This post was originally shared on Married and Owned
Needing a reset
Resets are not just scheduled meetings, they are necessary moments when one or both of us feels out of control, stressed out, or distant.
When babygirl needs a reset
my need for a reset is often triggered when the noise in my head gets so loud that i lose my centered submissive mindset. i can’t focus on anything, including D/s, and most of the noise is about my life outside of D/s. i tend to feel cranky and dissatisfied, teary, emotional, less focused, unable to concentrate, and i don’t feel like myself. At times i even catch myself fighting my submissive side, entering into alpha mode.
When Daddy needs a reset
My need for a reset is usually a response to baby’s need for a reset. But sometimes I find that I feel stressed out or dissatisfied with my level of control in our relationship.
Some of the triggers that cause us to need a reset:
-Small things building up over time
When life gets in the way, it just isn’t convenient. It sucks. And it can be crazy making, because that peaceful D/s balance gets thrown way off track, which in turn throws us both for a loop. And sometimes, when things get really crazy, we don’t always notice the other’s need for communication, or a reset. When that happens, we kind of have to force ourselves out there, and ask for what we need. Some phrases we have found to be effective when bringing the need for a re-connection up in conversation are listed below:
Making I statements can help prevent miscommunication and defensiveness
-So stressed out
From there, we talk about why we feel that way, and what we can do to fix it. Sometimes it doesn’t lead to a reset, but instead we stay up late just talking. Other times, Daddy decides that a reset is in order, and we go from there.
Communication is imperative in a reset
When Daddy decides that we need a reset, it usually involves the following:
-a good hard spanking, impact play
-orgasms, including forced orgasms
-intense pain and pleasure, to the point baby isn’t sure she can handle it
-Daddy pushing the boundaries of baby, getting out of comfort zone
Daddy and i have come up with some preventive measures, to try to reduce the frequency of need for resets. Those measures include:
-Changing things up, modifying rules, limits and expectations
-Utilizing code words that express a need, without having to spell things out; ex: I’m dropping
-Being aware of each others body language and behaviors
In general these things really help. But i want to bring up two things that i have tried to unsuccessfully research-
What do i do when we have had a reset, but i continue fighting my submissive side? Why can’t i achieve the headspace i am looking for?
This is something, especially in the beginning, that i really struggled with. Being a little means that i’m not always a perfect, meek submissive. i have personality traits that make me more difficult than some subs might normally be. i love serving Daddy, caring for him, and i never want to displease him. The issue is internal, like i just won’t let go, and i fight with myself. When this happens i have taken to trying the following:
-Sticking to rules and rituals
-Re-reading our rules
-Being grateful for Daddy’s leadership, and hard work in providing for our family
-Deliberately doing acts of kindness for Daddy
-Actively submitting- turning my willful thoughts around as i have them, ex: no becomes yes, even if i really don’t want to do it
-Creating a mantra to help me re-balance
Another issue that i don’t think gets talked about enough, is when Doms get in a funk, and need reset. It is super important to note that just like subs need aftercare, Doms do too. Doms are still people in need of love, reassurance, and nurturing. Yes they are strong, yes they are in control. But they have feelings too, you know! With that being said, what do subs do when their Doms need reset? Here is what i suggest! Remind Him of the power He has. Defer to Him to help you make decisions. Thank Him for everything He does for (and to) you. Try to boost His confidence. Make sure He knows exactly how you feel about Him. Crawl across His lap and lay over His knee- give Him something to release His frustrations on. Ask Him what is on His mind, and make sure He knows that you are there to support Him, just as much as He is there to support you.
Resets benefit both parties, and are a really necessary aspect of D/s. They bring us back to the balance we need, with the right levels of power exchange, reassurance, and love.
We hope you liked our post on resets! Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!