Three months ago I was lost, confused, hurt and probably a little angry. I wasn’t sure who I was, something I had never experienced before, or what I wanted. Now, three months later, I have discovered a part of myself I never had a name for before and I am happier than I have been in many years. Here’s what I have learned about myself by being a slave.
How I Got Here
If you have read my previous blog, How’d a girl like you…, then you already know my story. For those that haven’t (and why haven’t you?), I had come to The Safewords Club to learn about the D/s lifestyle. Shortly after joining TSC, the Dom who had introduced me to D/s released me. With no Dom, I saw no need to stay a member of the site and was planning to leave. Fortunately, a few very smart members suggested I stay for a while and explore my feelings about submission and being a submissive. While I was deciding whether I wanted to stay or not, I found myself the contracted slave of CruelPuppetMaster. So I decided to stay.
Am I submissive
This was the biggest question and the one I needed an answer to. I have never been in a submissive role in my relationships before. I have always run the household, worked outside of the home, managed the finances, etc. I had no previous experience with D/s, had never really heard of it, so my reaction to my first Dom was very surprising. I was excited by his dominance of me, and I wanted more of it. But was it just him I was drawn to? The answer is no. It turns out I do have a submissive bone in my body after all.
I have often been called a “giver” by others. I enjoy making the people I care about happy. If I call you a friend, then there is nothing I will not do for you. If I call you a lover, the same is true physically. I will spend hours exploring and kissing every part of my lovers body, tasting and touching every inch of him. I will give every part of myself to him in return, responding to any request, begging to please him in any way, begging him to simply ask.
Serving an online Master has limitations, and my Master and I have done our best to create a workable dynamic around our circumstances. I am not able to serve my Master in physical ways, such as making His meals, greeting Him after work or preparing His bed (although I did get to serve Him in physical ways when He visited for four days.) The ways I can serve Him are more subtle but no less submissive. I follow His daily routines, like my affirmation and begging for panties. I seek His permission in many areas of my life including clothing purchases and who I see. He is given my schedule every week and I update Him if it changes. And I serve Him sexually. Sometimes it is mutual, sometimes it is just for me and sometimes it is just for Him. But it is always at His direction. After three months serving CruelPuppetMaster I have learned that I am most definitely a submissive.
I May Be An Exhibitionist
Okay, I’m probably not, but I have found that hiding behind anonymity gives me the freedom to share parts of myself that I would not have done before. I have shared photos of myself with others simply because they don’t know me. I have been open about likes and dislikes, things I have done or want to do, dreams, desires and fantasies because I feel free of judgment. I have even considered playing with someone besides my Master watching. So maybe I am.
I Like Not Being In Control
In some ways this was surprising and in others, not so much. I have always known that I am a reluctant leader. I’d be happy for someone else to manage the finances, run the household and stay on top of the day to day responsibilities. So discovering that I like giving up some control was not all that surprising. Discovering just how much I like it, however, was quite shocking. I may be a reluctant leader, but I am also a control freak. Giving my Master control over parts of my life was scary, especially since I barely knew Him. Being long distance made that a little easier. If I didn’t like what He said, I’d just stop answering His calls and texts. But I did like it. In fact, I liked it so much that I have offered Him control over things that He hasn’t asked for. I love completing my daily tasks, following the protocols He has set for me and obeying the rules I have been given. I glow with pleasure when He tells me that I am a good girl and that I have made Him proud.
Submission Can Hurt
I have learned that submission is hard and it can hurt. Communication is hard in the beginning. You don’t know each other well; the submissive wants to please, the Dominant wants to, well, be dominant I guess. You do things you don’t like often for reasons you don’t understand. Misunderstandings happen and feelings get hurt. If you are lucky, you can talk through these and you end up stronger. Other times, you keep things inside, thinking you are doing the right thing, only to find later it has made things worse. For me, I have cried a lot, sometimes not even knowing why. I have second guessed and doubted myself. I’ve compared myself to other subs who can do things I can’t. I have wondered if I will ever be good enough. What I have learned is…
Submission is Beautiful
I wouldn’t change a minute of the last three months that I have had with my Master. We have had struggles, but we have had more laughter and fun. We have enjoyed each other’s company and each other’s bodies. We have grown together, learning from each other, learning from our missteps. We have built a strong bond in a short time. I am committed to my Master in every way and I believe that my Master is committed to me as my Dominant. What have I learned about myself? I have learned that I am a submissive and that my submission is beautiful.
This is the eight in a series of posts which follows the training of Cruel’s Sex Puppet. If you enjoy this post, please give it a like and drop a comment below.