Sub Mace and Vixen Lee return to consider, together, how a D/s Dynamic outside of a primary relationship can work.
Relationships with the people we love develop as a consequence of attractions and shared interests, personality compatibilities and proximity. We may meet someone who we become attracted to or who we find interesting and then the relationship becomes one that binds us together and encourages us to cohabit or have a long term connection that is mutually sustaining.
As someone with a need or a want to have a D/s dynamic, that need or want is unlikely to wane for long, if at all. Sometimes in the throes of new attraction, we might loose sight of that yearning for a while but it may return as that initial wave of euphoria calms down.
Having formed a binding relationship with someone, we may then feel comfort and reassurance, emotional empathy and security from that person but feel less sure that that person has the power to temporarily exchange that reality for another and become our ‘submissive’ or ‘dominant’. For that person, too, the transposing of a familiar relationship into something else may prove challenging. Perhaps they might find it easier to become that person with someone they know less well? Perhaps that relationship we have developed with them constrains their potential to be something or someone else?
Vixen Lee is married and Sub Mace, lives with his partner. They have both experienced submissive need or want in their lives and they have both considered their own familiar relationships and looked at whether their D/s needs can be met within them.
So what happens when your life partner or spouse is not the one you are in a D/s relationship with?
Vixen Lee talks about her circumstances and how a D/s relationship began for her..
I am a married woman and I have been with my husband for 21 years. Now, I am involved in an online D/s relationship with a dominant from Ireland.
I knew there was something missing in my life and that is what brought me to the the idea that we might transform a vanilla relationship to one with a D/s dynamic. One day I read a book, that seemed to describe many of the thoughts and feelings I had buried deep within my mind. Reading this tempted me to look into BDSM and D/s lifestyles.
My next step was to discuss all this with my husband. However, he was not as thrilled or receptive as I had hoped. I suggested we find a group where we could chat and ask questions comfortably and he agreed to that. I found the online community at The Safeword/s Club where I felt welcome and normal.
My Husband, I think, held out hope that I would let all this go but the more I got involved, the more certain I felt that this lifestyle was for me. As time went on, it became apparent that my husband would never be on board with this lifestyle. It simply was not for him.
I came to the conclusion that I could not force him to get involved, any more than he could force me to leave this behind. We talked, again, and I asked what he thought about me finding a temporary dominant, someone I could meet every now and again, to get ‘my fix’ and yet continue with our life as a married couple. As it turned out, he had been considering this as an option but had not brought it to me. Our conversation gave me the confidence to chat, online, with a bit more of an open mind with the thought that perhaps I would perhaps one day meet an available dominant on the site or simply learn how I might meet one.
I was surprised, when I told a friend of mine from the site about my idea to search for a Dom; that it did not sit well with him. I was surprised that I was being challenged about finding a Dom outside of my marriage and I felt judged by another couple who were married and who had introduced D/s or BDSM into their relationship. But my new online friend wanted me, he wanted to protect and train me and he promised to not interfere in my marriage or life with my kids. I knew, intuitively that he was the Dom for me. So, I entered into a contract with Master James and I have never felt so alive, loved, desired, and fulfilled.
I have a life where I am still a Wife and Mother, going about daily activities and another where I am Vixen Lee, submissive of Master James. These two identities allow me to feel complete, happier and free. I no longer have to choose which way to live while suppressing the other. I think it is easy for others to judge those of us who can’t share this powerful mindset and relationship with the person we live with but this need I have, without a Dominant, would leave one half of who I am uncared for and un-supported.
So how about Sub Mace?
I have attempted to balance a full time relationship and explore my submissive needs.
I am 53, young at heart and I have lived with my two characters side by side since puberty. From the moment I was sexually aware, I felt curious about being controlled as a submissive, tied up, enslaved and being spanked. I was attracted to women and not men but was at home with the idea I might be dominated by anyone who could reach my mind and tap into my triggers. Often, too, I would find ways of putting on female clothes.
My confidence about who I was as a man was low. My self esteem was harmed by guilt at a time when online forums didn’t exist. There was no-one I could talk to about what I liked; other than the people I sought out, in desperation in unpleasant and dangerous spaces. My first explorations were with gay or bi men who I met through seeing messages on toilet doors.
I lived shamefully with my wants as life continued. I would look to porn and quick fix play, until I was married, to meet these strong needs. Then, love and a relationship that lasted 15 year and gave us children pushed this to the back of my mind and into a manageable fantasy, until my life was changed by the loss of a baby and the tearing apart of the relationship with my partner that followed. I left, feeling I had never really been loved. I was convenient and only wanted for the material and practical aspects of being a Father and Husband.
My life, having left behind my two children with their Mother was lonely. I craved love more than anything and for a while I thought I had found it. I showered my new partner with intensity, pouring out feelings that were a mix of want to love and be loved and grief within a new relationship. I overwhelmed what might have been a relationship based upon fun and friendship and was devastated when it; inevitably, ended. Grief overwhelmed my life and I fell apart.
Within the dysfunctional life that followed, the need to bring the hurt young person back from hiding and to begin to, constructively, address those things I had such guilt about became apparent.
Now I had a mobile phone, the internet and so many websites available where I could look to make connections and explore my fetish and kink interests.
Being online has made that exploration safer and I have been able to check with other, like minded people what my ‘normal’ means when compared to theirs. I am not so different after all.
Today, I am in a relationship where my partner doesn’t have a D/s mindset. For my sake, she does try to be my dominant and we can look at information together and talk to people who can help. It is great that she is happy to try.
Sometimes though her energy isn’t there for this. Unlike me, the activity in which we engage doesn’t, for her, create the cycle of need and fulfilment that leads to a growth in activity and a quest for more experiences. In some respects, I envy her the lack of want and the lack of frustration that this causes. On the other hand, I know that this experience adds a depth to my existence.
At times, I find that being online and knowing that there are other people out there with the desire to dominate, leaves me wanting more and then I start to think about getting in touch with other people. I am sure that there is an element of addictive thrill from all of this and that a lack of self control can create a temptation to look to having the ‘itch scratched’. I am determined to find some understanding with my partner and to negotiate something that works for us both. I know that having a dominant outside of our relationship is possible but that my partner would prefer I didn’t. However, I have to find a balance with which we can both live.
So, perhaps these needs that Vixen Lee and Sub mace both have are not necessarily something that a loving partner can truly completely understand and support?
Some couples will enjoy aspects of BDSM or fetish play in their own marriage and this may work where the activities are supporting their sex lives or are fun. But for those of us with a need for a psychological or empathic connection, where a genuine power exchange is needed to satisfy the dynamic that creates this connection, we may need to identity someone who can help? Perhaps that person existing, outside of our daily schedule and outside of our regular lives, can be more objective and focused?
What works for you is cool. What doesn’t work for you has to be addressed and perhaps it’s worth keeping an open mind about the involvement of a third person to meet a D/s need.
About the Authors
Vixen Lee is 41 years old, married and lives in the USA. She has an online relationship with Master James who lives in Ireland.
Sub Mace is 52 and lives with his partner in the UK. Sub Mace isn’t owned but is exploring his submissive instinct with his partner.
Sub Mace writes online at submission2word so why not check it out. You can find Vixen and Sub Mace via their member profiles should you want to follow up with them on anything covered here. Alternatively you can add your thoughts in the comments below.
The SafeworD/s Club is a safe space for anyone looking to find out more about Dominance and submission and to connect with others who share an interest in the lifestyle. We embrace diversity and feel that our community is made richer by the different dynamics and lifestyles which are represented by the members here. We all learn from each other and as such, do not believe in one true way or endorse the judgement or shaming of others or their kinks.
Read more from Vixen and SubMace …
5 thoughts on “Then there were three ~ D/s outside a primary relationship”
This is a great post and I think it will be helpful to many who wonder what the options are and if they can make something work for them. Thank you for writing this post. Missy x
This was a really insightful piece and gives great perspective of those seeking something more. I hope this helps others that feel in similar positions.
Thank you for this excellent post! I was hanging on every word and feel your struggles to find the place where our needs can be not only met but nurtured. I have been submissive since puberty also and was led into a D/s bdsm relationship in my early 20’s. Sexually and emotionally I was fulfilled beyond my dreams but in real life it wasn’t working so we parted. I married a vanilla man (we are hetero) and repressed my needs as long as I could but we all know this never produces a good result. It is so great to hear stories of folks in our community who can creatively work it out. My Dominant’s ‘inner sadist’ came out when I confessed my needs to him and we’ve been living the dream for 20 years so I am very lucky. It wasn’t the easiest path to take (imagine being submissive and having to ‘train’ a Dominant-a real paradoxical situation) but we did get to a place where both of us are extremely fulfilled in our roles. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, strength and hope in your quest. xo
Thank you for sharing this insightful piece. So good to see you are happy and content, Vixen Lee, and Sub Mace, I really hope you find the balance you are seeking.
Thank you for sharing this post, I can identify with many of the sentiments you both expressed. It was reassuring to read about some of the very things I have experienced myself. Well done.