Biting - Primal PlayOdaxelagnia is identified as a sexual paraphilia or kink whereby one experiences sexual pleasure and arousal from biting and/or being bitten. Odaxelagnia is sometimes associated with sexual vampirism but, generally, most forms of sexual biting do not tend to draw blood for obvious infection risk reasons. Apparently, human saliva contains at least 50 species of bacteria, and medical research shows that human bites have higher rates of infection than any other injuries. Sexual biting tends to be one of the most accepted forms of sexual sadism and masochism as a more aggressive form of kissing, as it serves to shock the body’s pain responses at this primal level.

It may also be worthy to note, if anyone is interesting in further research, that sexual biting has it’s own separate section in the Kama Sutra (written by the Indian philosopher Mallanaga Vatsyayana in the 4th century). Eight kinds of bites are described in the chapter ‘On Biting, and the Means to be Employed with Regard to Women of Different Countries.’ These are;

  • the hidden bite
  • the swollen bite
  • the point
  • the line of points
  • the coral and the jewel
  • the line of jewels
  • the broken cloud
  • the biting of the boar

Cuiplash has always found great pleasure in biting me and I tend to react strongly and positively to being bitten. There is something incredibly animalistic about teeth indenting flesh, hard edges against soft curves, sharp points marking smooth skin. I find the excitement is in the risk of drawing blood, bruising and the fantasy of devouring and being devoured. I have always harboured my own vampire fetish so being bitten, particularly around and on my neck, taps directly into that particular ultimate submission. If you experience arousal from sexual pain the deep tissue bruising and sharp ache that occurs from a bite can be particularly pleasurable. Being bitten is also known to enhance existing arousal particularly if focused on and around the erogenous zones.

You can experiment with tolerance in sexual biting by using different pressures including tiny sharp nips, sensual nibbles and full jaw holds. Fleshy areas such as breasts, thighs, buttocks and hips can take a delicious deep bite pressure and allow for impressive indentations, whereas nips and nibbles on highly sensitive areas such as lips, neck, ears, nipples, clit and labia can be rapid routes to reducing your sub to a squirming squealing puddle of shudder.

Being bitten, particularly if held in a bite hold either during play or sex brings on a strong submissive mindset in me, akin to a kitten being scruffed, and particularly if applied to the nape of the neck. Biting in this sense can both calm and subdue.

Sexual biting as part of primal play has a lot of potential and is a powerful yet immediate and easy to apply sensation trigger that can be used to both settle and arouse, depending on the intention.

 

For more by writing by me, please check out my own blog at https://mycontrolledascent.com/

Thinking of Playing in Public - image by kisungura of Cuiplash dressed for playThe prospect of taking play outwith the privacy of one’s home and playing in public at an event can often polarise opinions. Sometimes the answer is a resounding no, others may feel curious and wonder how the experience would feel and sometimes the response is an enthusiastic yes, let’s try it! 

I think there are a number of important things to be mindful of regarding playing in public. One – you will know yourselves whether it is appropriate and desirable for your own dynamic, two – you should not feel pressured to ‘have’ to move to public play, and three – whether you choose to play in public or not, no matter how occasionally or frequently, it doesn’t diminish or enhance your D/s ‘standing’ any more or any less as a couple. It must be what works for you both and both must be in agreement if you do choose to take your play public. It is absolutely okay to write it off completely as an option if it is not right for you, or shelf it for later if it’s currently a consideration but the right opportunity hasn’t yet presented itself or if you are still building confidence.

Sometimes couples can be quite curious, harbouring fantasies of exposing or being exposed to others in a kinky setting but worried about what to do, expect, see or experience and I can imagine this is very common. I know that for Cuiplash and I the thought of public play was initially a no until we attended a local kink event and saw for ourselves how play spaces work and surprisingly found we were both exhilarated by the prospect of trying it. I think also that some concern can naturally arise from performance anxiety and the fear of potentially doing it ‘wrong’ in front of an audience, no matter what side of the slash you occupy. Whilst these fears are very valid I am glad to say that, for us, they were completely unfounded. 

I would suggest that if you are curious it’s an incredibly valuable experience to go along to an event together and get the feel for the place. The first time Cuiplash and I attended a kink event we did not play but the seed had definitely been planted and we were keen and prepared for the second time we went a number of months later. You can learn a great deal about how well play spaces are managed logistically just by watching the Dungeon Monitors and attendees. Get acquainted with the rules of the club/event as these are often posted around the location, as well as on their online event pages. They will tend to always cover time limits, types of play allowed and disallowed, the generic club safe word that will result in a Dungeon Monitor intervening, safety and cleaning of equipment at the very least.

We’ve found that during busy times DMs will allow 30 minutes on equipment to ensure enough time for a decent scene plus sufficient turn around for all those waiting to use the equipment in the play spaces. One trick we have utilised is simply to get into a space early, therefore allowing for a longer scene. This also helped us in the early days when it wasn’t so busy by building our confidence in scening in front of a smaller audience. It’s important to know how long you have and at least have an idea of what type of scene you’d like to do, what toys you will need and the space you require. I would also suggest, if you are new to playing in public, to stick with a well known firm favourite routine rather than choosing that time to try or introduce something new that may not go to plan. 

I would imagine most play areas are set up with sufficient space around them to prevent being caught by a swinging cane by accident however spacial awareness is a must. There are fundamental rules about not crossing into or through another scene space but unfortunately people are not always as aware as they should be and it would not be the first time that Cuiplash has narrowly missed accidentally striking someone with a flogger or dragon tail as they cut through our space.

Basic manners and public play etiquette are a given in terms of such things. As is not immediately dumping down your toy bag before another scene has fully finished, and the previous players have yet to tidy up, clean the equipment and provide any required aftercare. We’ve found DMs tend to be very good at keeping an eye on who is waiting and lined up to play on equipment next but it does no harm to alert them that you’d like to try something and they’ll let you know when you can proceed and will provide a gentle non intrusive reminder when your time is almost up. They are also very helpful in assisting with anything you are new to in terms of how to use equipment. 

Cuiplash and I do not get to play in public very often at all, but when we do we always try and make the most of it and we always get a lot out of it. The first time we played in public we were both very nervous, having never scened with an audience before, and also because this pushed our boundaries around exhibitionism and openly showing our D/s dynamic and our S&M to others. Stepping barefoot onto the St. Andrew’s Cross as Cuiplash secured my wrists with the heavy leather cuffs chained to the wood, my bare bottom exposed to the gathered crowd, was a delicious cocktail of humiliation laced with glee. I still remember shivering with anticipation of showing to a gathered crowd, for the first time, that I am his. That my submission belongs to him and that I honour him as my Dominant. It was a heady combination of adrenaline and pride.

I think taking things at your own pace is also very important and taking time out to reflect and decide how and when to move on is a must, both during and after the event. Whether you play once and are done, or a number of times at one event, be mindful of altered mind states including Dom/sub high, play frenzy, drop and physical effects, I’ve often felt very shivery after an intense impact scene and a sugary drink or something sweet to eat can help you enjoy the rest of the night better. We attended one event where they came around with home made tablet for players which was a wonderful touch!

We played a number of times our first night, gaining confidence and enthusiasm as we used the different spanking benches and returned to the cross, exploring the potential of the wonderful BDSM furniture that allowed us more freedom in positioning and space than we are afforded at home. We learned a lot by observing others, the toys and techniques used and it was interesting to watch how dynamics, scenes and aftercare were conducted by others. Some play spaces have a dedicated aftercare zone, or you can provide aftercare within the play spaces if required or move out to a more informal space to relax afterwards, depending on your needs. A lightweight warm blanket is another good thing to pack into your toy bag for some snuggly post scene aftercare.

I would say that despite having concerns about ‘performing’ to an audience and knowing we are being watched I find the space always narrows to a focal point of just us. Everything and everyone else expands outwards to the periphery of our awareness as we focus on the responses of each other. He has been tender and cruel, playful and serious, tolerant and uncompromising. I have had to ask out loud which implements of pain I want, admit I want more, and count for him. This definitely pushes pleasurable objectification and humiliation buttons for me, and he knows this. I’ve shown what my body can take, what gets us off and exactly how we do it.

Another thing to be mindful of is how your responses may differ playing in public than in private. We have found that I react quite differently to public play than private play. I am usually able to take more, I think this is because the exhibitionist in me wants to push myself harder, as does he. I want to please him, and to show that I am a good submissive and masochist to him to make him proud of me in that situation. There’s also something delicious about being fully dressed up to play, and knowing others are looking at us as we do. I slip easily into a giggly high subspace as we are playing, which amuses Cuiplash no end and makes for some fun scenes surrounded by the hypnotic beat of the music, friends, observers and the exciting and stimulating sights and sounds of fellow players. It is utterly immersive and incredibly freeing experience. 

 

To read more by Kisungura, please find her at My Controlled Ascent

Needle play is something that often falls under the category of Edge Play, meaning that it comes at the edges of what many would view as safe and in indeed sane. This, of course, is subjective but it is a kink that can carry risks and therefore requires some good research before attempting to try it. What we share here is based on our own experience and should be read with that caveat.

 

There are loads of sites out there with information about needle play but we think this one looks pretty thorough and could make a good start to finding out the basics. Talking to others who do have experience is always valuable and you can learn from them as well as benefit from hearing about their mistakes, so never undervalue that opportunity if it presents itself. We were lucky in that respect and it really gave us the confidence that we needed to give it a try. 

 

Having done your research, you need to make sure that you have the right equipment before you start. You will need some medical grade needles, alcohol wipes, surgical gloves and a dressing should you need to apply pressure to a wound area. You also need a Sharps Bin to dispose of used needles in a safe way. We purchased a taster kit from Med Fet supplies which had a selection of needles and all of the other things that you need.

 

The starter kit worked well for us as it wasn’t something which we knew if we were going to love it not. It cost £7.50 which wasn’t too big of an outlay to begin with but gave us what we needed to try it out and keep safe. We were playing at home where the lighting was good and we were able to dispose of any waste properly and keep the area clean, but clearly that would be a consideration for some.

 

We are also in a married relationship where we are fluid bonded and monogamous so the issue of unknown blood borne viruses was not there in the same way it might be for some. There is obviously a risk of infection in any area where you are piecing the skin but, again, we were aware of that and it was a consideration in preparing for needle play as well as in terms of the aftercare provided. Essentially we used the gloves and wipes provided.

 

We had researched the areas of the body which are recommended for needle play and the article linked above shows those best for beginners. We chose the back and tried it first as a test rather than a full blown scene.  This is something we would recommend for new types of play and the method has served us well for a variety of forms of play, allowing us to communicate well about how we are both feeling.  I think where any form of edge play is concerned it is essential that you communicate fully and have a really good understanding of where each partner is coming from.

 

The advantages of needle play are as with many forms of play in that you can use the natural endorphins produced as part of the body’s pain response process to reach a state where you achieve a natural high.  We also found it was a huge emotional connector due to the risk and the high levels of trust required from both sides. In essence, we both experienced a high from what was happening.

 

I think that this sort of play would lend itself to any medical type scene. It could also form a positive part of sensory play, as well as being a thrilling experience for those looking to push or challenge their limits with something which many would consider a ‘no’ due to the risks involved. For us it was a ‘yes’ and is something that we do plan to keep exploring.  To read more of a personal account about our first attempt with needle play please see this post on submissy.

 

 

 

 

I think that this play is very personal to us both, how we do things may not be the way anyone else would, but I hope that it will give you an insight.

 

                                                                                   ***
She could feel the carpet against her knees as she waited for him to initiate the transformation, from herself into puppy. Although she was mostly naked, it didn’t feel that way. The tail plug nestled between her cheeks, the white leather gloves and ballet pumps all became part of puppy. But they were not necessary.

 

“Do you remember how to end the play?”

 

“Yes master, kneel in front of you in the waiting position, or safe word.”

 

He liked this to be the last thing that happened before he put on puppy’s collar, there had been incidents where the rush was too much and puppy forgot how to end the play.

 

He couldn’t believe that just a few months ago, at the start of their D/s journey, pet play was placed firmly in the hard limit zone for Littlegem. So much had changed.

 

She felt his hands brush against her neck as her day collar was removed and replaced with the dog collar. ‘Puppy’ gleamed on one side of the dangling rose gold tag, ‘Owned by master’ on the other. It’s not the collar that initiated the feeling. Or the way she wore her hair up in high bunches. These things helped, but they didn’t define the role, only decorated it. It was the control PurpleSole took whilst being puppy’s owner. His voice commanding her. This all sent her into the headspace. Let her be free.

 

The change he observed from LG to puppy was enormous. As soon as the dog collar was on he could see her eyes roll back, hear her sigh of satisfaction; he knew instantly that she was ready for play.

 

He pondered how the play would take shape this time. Sometimes it was more active, a leash would be used to get puppy to follow. Others it was more passive, a relax on the sofa whilst puppy played with her toys. Whatever happened he knew it was important to read puppy’s body language, puppy can’t talk after all, so cues help in the way of whimpers or pants.

                                                                                   ***

 

One of the most satisfying parts of pet play for me is the closeness it brings to our relationship. Deep trust is required from LG and a strong connection is felt between us during this play.

 

Pet play makes me feel very vulnerable, I think the taboo it has adds to this. I am very glad it is something that PS pushed me to explore. It has gone from something I was just going to try once, to being a weekly play for us.

 

For more writing by Littlegem and PurpleSole please check out their blog Purple’sGem

 

I have always had a good pain threshold. Pain was always something that I could manage and make work for me so I probably would have said back in the vanilla world that I was a masochist, or at the very least, masochistic.  When we started D/s I was able to explore my relationship with pain as well as my relationship with pleasure. I began to move away from the idea of being a masochist at this point really. I suppose I had the opportunity to discuss the use of pain as part of play much more openly with people who did it a lot and I realised that there was a difference in terms of where it took them, which I explored in The painful truth.

What I have learnt, however, is that I am an emotional masochist. This was pointed out to me by my friend furcissy who is a great source of information on all things BDSM. He defines an emotional masochist as “someone who gets arousal or sexual gratification from experiencing emotional suffering.  This suffering can happen in a number of ways.  Humiliation, anxiety, degradation, embarrassment, hurt feelings, and heartbreak are some examples of the types of suffering that an emotional masochist may to.  Basically, things that do not feel good.”

Experiencing emotional discomfort in the form of humiliation and shame is something that takes me to a completely different place than the physical pain and discomfort caused by heavy impact play. Although I enjoy it, physical pain will push me deeper into myself and therefore further from HisLordship whereas emotional pain will draw me out of myself and closer to him. I know that this sort of masochism is not the type which is widely spoken about, and there are often misunderstandings surrounding it. Just to clarify, I am not saying for one minute that I get off on being emotionally abused or mistreated.

What I have found is that these sort of acts, under the right set of circumstances, can be a huge trigger to me finding my submissive space and also to keeping me there. As I wriggle and squirm and am confronted with what I really am, the cognitive dissonance created pushes me deeper and deeper into my own submission, and into subspace. The discomfort can lead to me being so highly aroused that nothing else seems to register. My heart races, my senses are heightened, I am out of control of my reactions and responses and nothing else matters other than the connection that I have to him.

Although I can admit that I am an emotional masochist, I struggle to admit the ‘what’ and the ‘how’ in specific terms. I find it embarrassing: both the fact that I like it and the specifics of what I would like him to do. I don’t want to admit that this is something that turns me on, and I can’t take ownership of the detail of what exactly will press my buttons. It goes against the very idea of what I am, although ironically it is only through the ‘forced’ acceptance and acknowledgement of what I am, that I am able to reach this state and find the freedom that I crave. I cannot ask for what I want because I don’t want to want it, if that makes sense.

Another issue is that because this is something that turns me on, it has become a large part of my inner voice during play. I think there is a hesitation in handing that power over to someone else. I cannot ask him to do this to me; he has to take the control from me and do it because he knows it is what I need and want. And I need him to let me know that is what he is going to do, is doing, and has done. In life I have sought to surround myself with those who will seek to negate the words and thoughts of my inner voice, not work with them, so to take that down a different road with someone I trust and love is a thought which is both exciting and scary at the same time. So I hesitate. And I hide.

It is tricky because I do not enjoy feeling humiliated and ashamed per se, but within the right context and the right environment, with the safety of the person I love, the feelings which come from it will arouse me. The cognitive dissonance created will mean that I am freed of what I was before. I will be reduced to the point that none of that matters. In being exposed for what I am, I can leave that part of me behind. I have nothing to lose because that tough layer of self-protection has been broken apart. It has gone and he has seen what is at the centre. Not only has he brought about my reduction to this, having seen what is left, he still loves me and wants me.

I tried to explain how it worked when writing about the wearing of a tail. Usually the feelings come from doing things which I see as forbidden, or dirty or wrong. Having to admit that I get off on the things I shouldn’t want to do and acknowledge the parts of me that I have always pushed away, causes a level of discomfort that is a trigger to  feeling submissive and aroused. I simultaneously want, and don’t want, to do these things so the two lines of thought from the two parts of me collide. The fact that I have not only permitted it but also got off on it, means that I have to throw aside the sort of girl I feel I should be and embrace the sort of girl I am. That brings a huge sense of freedom. I can just be. I can just exist for him and as what he has made me.

 

Post originally published on submissy

So here we are.  Been a while hasn’t it, but I did warn you.

So settle in.  A little over a year has passed since sweetgirl asked me to consider being her dominant.  If you’re  new here are wondering what you have missed click this link to my first post.  and sweetgirls journal here much more content from SwG.  So I thought we would check in.

So what is there to discuss? Well that is simple, whatever we want.   Feel free to ask questions and I will try to answer them.
However, let me tell you about my year.  I have found a number of things to be true over the last year or so.   Firstly if your communication slips everything slips.   It is hard as we try to be D/s all the time (notice i didn’t say 24/7, that’s  because I hate that phrase) but life gets in the way.  Over the last year Sweetgirl has changed jobs twice and this puts obstacles in the way such as her bringing work home.  I know what you’re  thinking “You’re the Dom tell her she can’t” well that may seem to be an easy solution but has consequences as her mental state will change with worry.  You see she is the type of lady that gives her all to everything she does.  (Remember I said we would have had a fully fitted playroom and rack full of toys in the first week if she wasn’t controlled).  So when starting a new job I find it best to give some slack so she can focus on what she has to do outside of the home and the dynamic.
We, like most people have rituals and this helps but there is a diffrent connection made when playing compared to when we do her day/night collars.  Sweetgirl goes deeper into subspace when we play,  even the limited play we can do at home can send her down.  But playing at home comes with it’s own challenges as I am sure it does for anyone with kids and pets.  Our two children are all grown up and we had a routine with the youngest as he is a bit of a gamer so spends most of his time in his room with headphones on wageing war on some distant land.  So the sound of the flogger doesn’t register.  However our eldest has come home before hopefully moving to London in a month or two but this has changed the dynamic of the house as he spends more time watching tv or reading in his room, so noise registers and he has been known in the past to let us know when we are disturbing him.
Another thing I have noticed over the last year is the amount of planning and structure I like, not only my everyday life but in play and scenes.  Before one particular incident I would have said I do little planning or prep for play/scenes.  But this false hood was highlighted to me recently.
When sweetgirl and I started on this journey we agreed that play at home would be problematic due to kids and pets.  Yes there are ways round everything given time and money, but with that comes a sudden change of day to day routine.  For instance if we were to suddenly start fully closing doors to keep pets out the room then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out what we are doing.  So we agreed that we would invest in ourselves and book a hotel night or two away every month.  Now this went well and we have a favourite hotel which we go to every couple of months and we use a chain hotel to keep the cost down for other monthly getaways.  Normally we have them written down so we know when we are going etc.   I tend to send email instructions to sweetgirl telling her what to pack and giving a brief outline of what will happen during our time away.
Well this one particular week we appear not to have wrote it down thankfully a email reminder from the site that we use to book was received but instead of having our usual week to prepare we only had a few days.   Unfortunately we couldn’t cancel without still having to pay and on top of this it was new hotel.  So we packed on the day and decided to go to a pub/restaurant that we pass on the way to our local munch for something to eat before heading to the hotel.  It was disappointing to say the least but once at the hotel things just felt odd for us both and the evening didn’t flow.  We are due back at that hotel soon to see if we can break that feeling.
Now when we started out full time D/s we decided that we would have a collar for play and one for everyday.   But the one for everyday needed to be something that Sweetgirl could wear everyday and not raise suspicion.  After all it only needed to mean something to us.   So in 23 years of being together I think I picked my first peice of jewellery that Sweetgirl would wear.  It was a long silver chain with a eye and a silver bar that passes through it.  I also made her a night/play collar from paracord that we swap in a ritual before bed.  Recently however we have changed the day collar that we bought for a collar I hand made out of silver.  I like to be busy even when sat down so I started looking at chainmaille as it is something I can do sat on the sofa.  I made her a byzantine collar and I believe she likes it as it is tighter around her neck and reminds her of her submission.   I am hoping to get into leather work but feel I need a dedicated space for this so need the kids to leave but that is another story.
So social media is and has been about for sometime and for a variety of reason I decided I would join twitter and instagram this was for a number of reason but mainly because I do not know everything and although my imagination is good it has it’s limit.  It is going well, although I am amazed at how many men seem to think it is acceptable to send unsolicited pictures of their penis to women they have never met or even introduced themselves too.   I am learning lots and filing stuff away for the future.
We were lucky enough to be invited to our first event by a friend that has amazing knowledge and has been on the scene for some time.   This was a big step for me personally and for Sweetgirl.   Sweetgirl’s out fit was risqué but not the risquést one at the event by any stretch I know she was out of her comfort zone with it as it was quite revealing, again not the most revealing.   We got there quite early and introduced ourselves to the organiser.  We also got to meet our friend’s slave for the first time.  Seeing some of the protocols in place was interesting.  For me personally I am not nor have I ever been a fan of large crowds.  I remember when I first met Sweetgirl she asked if I would attend a meatloaf concert with her, but due to my dislike of large crowds a concert is just a no go for me.   I cant explain it really I am just not comfortable, not anxious or anything it is just a feeling.  Think i have been to 3 rugby games in my life despite being a fan of my hometown rugby club all my life.
I do find rope work and flogging very enjoyable and do plan on attending the local rope workshop soon (if it doesn’t co-inside with my week on call).   We recently had the opportunity to attend a Flogging workshop held by Aemellia Hawk and was excited and booked early.   This workshop was a talk and demonstration by Aemeilla and the opportunity to practice in the club and receive coaching from this wonderfully funny and talented practitioner.   However as some of you may know Sweetgirl has had issues with her back for more than a decade.  Earlier in the year she had a procedure done that made her pain free for 2 days as a test.   When we booked it we knew there was a chance that the proper procedure would be done around the time of the workshop.   Yip you guest it the procedure was scheduled for the Friday as the workshop was on the Sunday.   A long story short we attended but due to Sweetgirl being 48 post surgical procedure we didn’t play despite Sweetgirl’s remonstrations (remember my love part of my role is to protect you even from yourself)  but learned lots and have ordered some new floggers from amealia
What does the future hold?  Well that is difficult to answer as it depends on what the future gives me to work with.  There are lots I would like to do and try that will not only push Sweetgirl but push me too.   As I have said I want to attend the rope workshops and there is always the option to play at the munches we attend.  I would like to make more friends in the kink community as there is so much to learn.

 

Story-lines and narratives can be a useful part of play, whether this is sexual or non-sexual. In it’s simplest form this may include playing games together where you use your imagination. For example when HL and I are out and about sometimes we make up details and stories about the people we meet, their lives and what they might think and feel. In some ways this can help us to explore things that we might not otherwise be able to and use our empathy to experience a different range of emotions than we usually would, even though this is only on an imaginary level. We can use this to test things out with each other and get ideas of what might, or might not, be a good fit.

 

The interesting thing with using narratives and story-lines is that although the situation or scenario you construct may be imaginary, the feelings that you experience as a result are real. I have a bad habit of imagining myself into a doom and gloom scenario sometimes. HL may be later back from somewhere than I expect and I can go catastrophising though the whole response where I finally get a knock at the door to say that something has happened. I can live it all to the point where I experience the feeling of shock, and the fear, and the nerves. The tears that fall will be real tears even though they are brought on by a journey down the road of an imagined situation.

 

Clearly this is not something enjoyable or pleasant but it does illustrate the power of the mind to allow us to experience something beyond our own reality. I am not one to get particularly involved with characters from TV and films, but books will get a reaction. A well constructed character in a plot I can relate to will leave me feeling what they feel, despite the fact that I know that they are simply words on a page and it has all been born from the author’s imagination. Thoughts are not truths, but the feelings which arise from those thoughts are real responses, even to imagined pain, pleasure, excitement, loss etc.

 

One way that this can be explored through sexual play is through the use of a role. Having a role will lend itself to becoming someone outside of your own experience, even if only for a short time. Within the safety of a secure relationship, it can leave you free to explore the feelings associated with things that you may not be able to do, or want to do, in real life. Usually this can work well if you tap into something that is already there as a part of you, which you can do by using a role which you can relate to. You are not that person and have the safety of knowing that, but as them you can think and feel and respond in a way which may not fit your usual personality.

 

Once you have adopted a character then you have the freedom to follow a narrative which would apply more to them than to you. This can be discussed beforehand or the details can be fed in as things progress. Some people may be able to improvise comfortably, where others may find it easier to have a story-line to stick to so that they can interact within that. To do this as part of play means that you can imagine details which may not actually be accurate. There can be an audience, or a confidante, or an accomplice. A scene in your own bedroom involving just the two of you can be transported to a different time, a different place and involve people who would not usually be there.

 

Many people use fantasy as a way of initiating and/or sustaining arousal which is not a surprise given that the brain is the most important sexual organ. Most fantasy will involve the use of a narrative or a story-line. While this will often be a private thing which is not spoken aloud, to share it between you and allow that to take you to new places together is just moving this on a step. A lot of BDSM play is about experiencing things in a different way. Focussing on the senses means that reality is often suspended for a time, and this leaves you free to choose what your reality will be. Using mindfucks might also be part of this.

 

Another way to incorporate this into play might be to use actual stories to take you somewhere new. Beth explains that “when we first started out if someone had suggested using a narrative to me I would have thought “role play.” I’d read about scenes like naughty student and strict teacher, Master and slave, spy and interrogator, etc. Those stories sounded fun but I’m no actress and role playing doesn’t appeal to me. But Mister Man can spin a good story and erotic stories help me get in the mood and away from my mundane thoughts. I lay in his arms and he whispers in my ear. He’s perverted a few fairytales into kinky stories. With a few tweaks Goldilocks And The Three bears can be used for a gangbang story, Little Red Riding Hood becomes force or coerced sex, Cinderella and the Prince sneak away for a garden tryst. We can explore things that we wouldn’t be comfortable doing in real life or with other people.”

 

You may choose to build the use of narrative and story-line into your play through the use of stories, through roleplay, through fantasy or use parts or all of them. What it will allow you to do is to explore experiences and feelings, reactions and responses which might not have been possible without it. There is no limit to where you can go and what you can do, other than the limits that your own imagination allows you to have. To quote George Bernard Shaw, “Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine, and at last, you create what you will.”  And so they all lived happily ever after. The End.

Whether you are sub or Dom, we want to know how you plan for play. Are there things that you always do in order to be ready? How do you know what is expected or how do you communicate to your partner what your expectations are? This week the topic is planning for play so please come and share the secrets of your success.

I’ve for some time looked through different videos that more or less show details
on fucking machines, and have picked up bits and pieces here and there.
The result is my own working DIY fucking machine. Though, it must be said
that it’s a prototype, noisy and no beauty.
You might find your own way to assemble it.
Have fun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Below I’ll describe the different parts and possibilities.

Motor.
I’ve looked for geared electro motors with around 250-300 rpm, but most of the available are too small and not strong enough.

My choice was a 12V wiper motor.
It’s not expensive and is powerful enough to do the job. It’s a little noisy, but not too bad.
Wish: 268 Nok

Speed controller.
You need a way to adjust the speed.
This one I chose because it comes
with a box for the electronics and is
cheap. This controller supports any
DC-voltage between 9 and 60 volt,
and should handle any motor in this
range. If you plan to make a
remote-control, please note that the
switch carries the power to the
motor and a remote cable can’t be a
signal cable; the cross section is to
small.
Wish: 113Nok

Power supply.
As the motor is 12V you need a 12V
PSU. There is no info enclosed with
the motor, but my PSU
delives 3A, and that’s not
enough.
I  recommend a 5 or 6A version.
Wish: 96Nok

 

 

Assembly.

Depending on the way you assemble this, you might need an extension for the motor shaft. I used a 8mm joint nut 25mm long. That enabled me to easyily mount the rotating arm with an 8mm screw.
The length of the arm gives the stroke length, and you have to be able to easily adjust that.
On the end of the arm you need a ball joint. My choice was made for a 8mm threaded rod.
Then you need a shaft joint for connection to the stroking shaft.
Also with 8mm holes and set screws.
The bearings for the shaft need to
be mounted so the joint doesn’t crash
into them whatever stroke length
you might choose.
Wish: 186 Nok

This really is the noisy part of this
machine. I’ve seen this done with
rails for drawers, which might be
better.
Let me now if you find a better way!

As the shafts are 30cm you need to extend them.
My solution was an length extension for drills (100Nok). To fit the shaft I just mounted it on a drill and sanded the end down until it fitted.
Then the real fun part.
The “normal” way to connect the tools are with air tube connectors.
Wish etc are selling sets with these things, and is easy to fit the female end to the shaft with tape etc.

 

 

The male part for the air tube connector can be mounted
on a vac-u-lock adapter or
simply a flat plate for
suction.

 

 

We thought it might be useful to have a post about scenes and play which covered both our perspectives. Clearly the roles for Dom and sub are quite different with regards to the input you have at each stage of the process, but we have both found that there are things that we can do which will help it to be the sort of experience we want it to be. 

Setting the Scene

HisLordship

When you are first starting out planning is key. It may seem a bit forced, and not as sexy as the Dom found in fiction, however, you have to assume that they have planned their scene as carefully as you will be preparing yours!  Looking at it in simple terms, imagine a road trip that needs planning. Decide where you both want to go first, that involves a discussion, and probably one of many if this is new to you both. If you don’t know the exact place on the map, agree at least on the general region. Will this scene involve an orgasm for you, or me or both of us? Many scenes (or just play over a shorter period) do not have to end in an orgasm. Just be clear what each of your needs are and you will be fine. Now that we know how it will end, as orgasms tend to slow things down, let’s look at the prep work for the Dom. 
Location, location, location is important. Comfort for both of you, address any sound issues that may be made which could scar your kids or neighbours. Most people at home use the bedroom, and why not? The bed makes a nice play space and all your tools are close by.  If you are going to use those tools be specific on their use and avoid getting them all out just because you haven’t played in weeks. Pick the ones you want to focus on and have them near by. Get your lube warmed up as well as any other metal or glass tools that maybe used. Consider music as it is great for providing atmosphere and to drown out heavy breathing. 
Now you have your outcome and tools, you can think about how long you will play for and how you can bring it together.  Don’t try to pack a lot into an hour, do what is achievable with time to spare. The same applies with even two or three hours, give yourself some wiggle room to enjoy the experience. Finally, walk through the scene in your head. How will you relax her and draw her into the world you have created? Better to hit an obstacle in your head rather than when she is tied to the bed waiting for your next move!  If you get a bit stuck, discuss it with your sub. She is the one who allowing you to dominate her and therefore plays a valid part. Please do not get hung up on the fairy-tale Dom who can’t make a mistake and has women fainting under his control. This person usually has a dragon and lives in Toy Town; in other words they are fiction and you should not measure yourself against them.

Missy

Being a submissive, prior to the scene I don’t usually have anything to prepare or plan as such. I get the easy job – turn up and enjoy. There are certain things that HL will expect me to have done, however. He has requirements of personal grooming so I will make sure that I am clean and fresh and neat and tidy. My nails will be done and I will try to make sure that my skin feels soft and my body is ready for him. Sometimes there will be specific requirements for me to wear something particular or to do something differently for him. The biggest thing I have to do really is to make sure that my head is in the right place. Of course this won’t always work as planned and so if there is something that I think will affect my ability to give him my full attention, I will communicate this beforehand. I used to have loads of questions – oh the questions! – but that has eased a bit and usually now I can run with whatever direction he wants to take us in.

 

Lights up

HisLordship

They say a journey starts with the first step, so in this case make it a strong one. Exerting my authority in a calm and caring manner by verbalising my needs to reinforce what you agreed on will take control away from missy, and this is very important. She will submit to me, and wants to, as this is our agreement.  Telling her to wait for me to arrive is always a good start. She must be in an exposed position to take her mind away from day to day events. She needs to be focussed on me. This can be quite hard sometimes as both of us were probably being active parents not 20 minutes earlier. Either way, I have a sub who wants to be dominated and I need to turn on the Dom in me and let her feel safe and excited.  Do not rush, be calm and if you find it hard, try to pretend she doesn’t know you, or the other way around as it can sometimes help move away from your traditional family roles. Show her your tools, tell her what each one will do or tell her what you hope to acheive with them. Don’t give any opportunity for doubt in her mind. 

Missy

Once the scene has begun there is really very little for me to do. Once my preparation is done, I will usually be told to wait in a certain position or in a certain place. Although we have not begun to play at this point, I would consider it to be part of the scene. This is the time for me to clear my mind and get my head where he wants it to be. This can be tricky at times and it is often a case of swiping left and right in my own mind in order to try to overcome the thoughts that ask to be considered. The position and situation I am waiting in can ease this process greatly. Some of his requests will make me feel so submissive that my mind is already being led by my body into wherever it is he is going to take me. For example, if I am asked to wait naked on my hands and knees, arse in the air with my legs spread, I will feel the air on my skin and burn with the humiliation. The same will happen if we start with an inspection or something of that nature. Basically something that makes me feel vulnerable will make for the ideal start.  

 

Centre Stage

HisLordship

You could start with spanking, caning, flogging or even just touching. Whichever you chose, think of it as adding a thin layer of sexual weight that will pull her deeper down each time you add to it. Add too much too quick and she will slip though your fingers and out of your grasp. One area which can be a challenge is verbal communication during play. Some say they feel awkward, as though it is not their usual voice or choice of words. My response to that would be that no one is telling you what to say or how to say it. Have your own voice by expressing what you see or how you feel. Your sub is likely to be in a position where she cannot see the thing you do!

Missy

When things are in full swing, I am not really thinking about anything. By then I am feeling the impact of whatever he is doing and I am becoming his, slipping further and further down the rabbit hole with him. That is a delicious feeling and one which is quite addictive. I do need to be aware of my own triggers and limits and communicate those with him if necessary, but he is very good at reading me, so this is not something that I would have to do a lot. I do find that to verbalize my thoughts at this time is quite distracting and can pull me out of my submissive space which is counter-productive, but hearing his voice talking to me and asserting his control over me keeps me firmly there. I know that once I let go, I tend to make more noise but this is not a conscious thing and is something that I would rather not acknowledge, although for him to do so will add to the humiliation and actually push things forward for me.   

 

Curtain Fall

HisLordship

Some scenes or play can be quite short and therefore require little recovery. Equally we have been known to play for hours and this takes a toll physically and emotionally. Most, if not all our scenes are sexual and if my sexual needs have not been met during the centre part of the scene, they will be at the end. This produces two positives based on heightened arousal and need. I am aroused having watched and played with missy’s body over a prolonged period of time, and she is very needy to be fucked. It can’t be put simpler than that. The two combined meet a greater need and that is to be joined together with the intensity you lay exhausted from. Aftercare is important for both of us to recover and to spend time just reassuring each other that the red welts across her bum are okay to be there!  At some point later on we will discuss how things went from start to finish. There is always room for improvement, and that’s what makes next time something to look forward to!
Try to take and give feedback constructively. This may be difficult as there are a lot of emotions involved and a simple observation could hit nerve. If something hasn’t gone as well as expected, talk about it and create a new way of doing it. D/s is, after all, a journey! 

Missy

Once the scene is over, I tend to crash a bit. This is when HL will provide aftercare. I have a huge need to be as physically close to him as I can, often pressing myself into him as much as possible. If I could literally climb inside him I would. Although this is a quiet time, it is a huge part of the process as we are sharing the same emotional space. Following this, at some point, we will talk about what happened and how it went etc. We have sometimes called this roses and thorns as we try to look at what worked as well as what didn’t work quite so well. This is not meant in a critical sense but rather as part of the learning process. This is important for me too as I learn a lot about myself from my own reactions and responses to things and this will help to inform what we choose to do next. It is also time to listen to HL and to look for the responses he likes, the things that he enjoys and the way that various things have made him feel.