give and take - gift wrapped presentOur theme this week is ‘festive fun’ so it seemed to make sense to think about giving. There is a huge focus on giving during the festive period and it is also a key part of any D/s relationship – giving is for life not just for Christmas as they say and that certainly works for us! As with anything, I think how this works for a couple will vary and there is often a lot of discussion during our chats about what would and wouldn’t be acceptable in terms of what we give to each other. I know that some subs feel that what they give is their submission and that is really where it ends. They would not feel that they could give spontaneously as it would be up to the Dom what he or she wanted from them. Then there is the opposite camp, where we fall, where submission is an active thing.

 

Our experience is of a relationship where we use the power exchange to build a circle of neatly balanced give and take. By submitting to HL, I feed his Dominance and vice versa. This means that sometimes you are giving and sometimes you are receiving but that is the way that we have found works best for us to keep this working as a long-term livable lifestyle. I dare say that there are some submissives out there who are with Dominants who crave so much control that they are able to issue instruction after instruction and for that to be gratefully received. We are not like that and really, even once the family has grown and we have more time alone, I don’t think we would want to sustain that for more than a set amount of time. We have played with a high protocol ‘Collar Time’ when things work well like this, but sustaining the dynamic within our lifestyle means that this is not possible, or really desirable, as something to do all of the time.

 

I am not sure how much of this is down to the fact that we were already in a long term relationship when we make the decision to weave Dominance and submission throughout it, but certainly we felt that we loved each other and we worked well as a couple so it was more a case of tweaking things than re-writing and starting again. We were reluctant to lose ourselves to these new roles that we were embracing, so kept what was good and added what was ever better. I say all this because whenever the topic of giving is discussed there are those who will suggest that being active is ‘topping from the bottom’. This pisses me off really and, while I fully accept that others do things differently, as I am writing this post I get to write about what works for me. My kink may not be your kink as they say.

 

So for us, and for many couples who will read this, a big part of the dynamic is about giving. A Dom gives safety, structure and nurture. A sub gives service, obedience and respect. But really in any healthy relationship, both parties will be giving these same things, all-be-it they may be carried out and perceived in a different way. If the relationships is based on communication, trust, respect and honesty then both have to be continually giving these things. Sometimes this may be as a response to the other partner, but sometimes it might have to be in a more active way. In relationships where this doesn’t happen I have seen it lead to quite big issues when something gets in the way of the Dominant.

 

This will often be through no fault of his own, perhaps external factors have challenged his control in some way or another. What can happen is that he no longer feels as Dominant and therefore no longer behaves in such a Dominant way; he is less ‘active’ with it perhaps. In my mind, the sub can support him to feel more Dominant again by activating his Dominance through her own behaviour. How each couple chooses to do this will depend on their relationship and personalities, but I do think that waiting until he ‘comes back’ can end up being a long and lonely wait where you both end up falling out of your mindsets, and subsequently out of the dynamic a bit. These posts,  Active Submission and Actively Submissive, explain a bit more about how it works for us but essentially, giving is good for you.

 

Each year, as part of the build up to Christmas, we have tried to acknowledge the value of giving by celebrating what we feel about each other. Although this is something that we are doing all year round, we are only human and we do allow other things to pull the focus away from each other and onto the stuff of our lives at times. The first year I was blogging I began a submissive advent calendar, where I posted a gift for HL each day on my blog and it worked really well. Last year we took it day about with a D/s advent calendar. This was fun but if was difficult as sometimes the ‘gifts’ didn’t work well for that person that day so it had more limited success. We learnt from that and this year are trying the D/s Advent Calendar again, but we pre-agreed the activities so that they could fit in with our other commitments and we also had time to plan where necessary. So far it is going well; I have posted posts about some of the things we have done and will post the complete list at the end.

 

Other related posts by HisLordship: Merry Christmas

 

*Each little is different and there is no one right way to be little. I am describing my little self and the things I do and like when I’m little.*

 

My little self is very fluid. I can go between being little and being big pretty quickly. I was a responsible child who never grew all the way up. My little age range is preschool to preteen. If we are doing fun things I’m more likely to be little. Serious discussions and tasks make me big. Some littles age regress and have to ease into and out of little space; for me it’s more like flipping a light switch off and on. When I’m little I can be happy or sad but if I get overwhelmed by stressful emotions I’m big. Happiness and excitement bring out the little in me even if she has to remain in stealth mode.

 

My little self dresses the same as my big self, jeans, t-shirts/knit shirts and tennis shoes, the same as when I was a kid. I try to stay away from neutral colored shirts (unless I’m depressed). I prefer purple, pink, blue, green, and yellow, fun flower colors. I have lots of socks in pretty colors. I like when I can match my socks to my shirts. Sometimes I coordinate what I’m wearing with my hair. I love dying my hair fun colors like blue or pink or green or purple. And Daddy often helps me pick which hair color(s).

 

I love going to the zoo and the aquarium. It’s awesome to see all the animals and learn about their habitats. I like visiting natural history museums, learning about dinosaurs and ancient cultures. Science museums are great because they are often hands on with lots of activities and Daddy loves science. 

 

I’m addicted to my iPad. I like coloring apps, no pen and paper for me. I like the flexibility of trying out different colors before I commit. I like that I already have my pictures in an electronic form so I can post them to friends, flickr, and my blog. I can show Daddy my iPad or send him a picture. I love playing games – hidden object, match 3, jigsaw, and other puzzle games. I can write my posts on my iPad, chat with friends, watch movies and tv shows (keep grocery and to do lists but that big stuff).

 

I’m a hoarder. I like stuffies and have a bunch, my favorites are Ty Beanie Boos because they have big glittery eyes. I have to keep them in a lidded storage tub and the rest in a chest of drawers because my dog thinks I should share with her. I collect fleece blankets. I love the inexpensive lightweight ones because they can be layered and I can get a bunch, so many colors and patterns. They are stashed all over the house. I have two and a half screens of coloring apps for adults and kids. I use a couple the majority of the time but want the others just in case there is a neat picture to color. I collect dragons – figurines, stuffies, posters, books, electronic art, coloring pictures. I started when I was a teen and I love them. 

 

I adore fairy tales and fantasy books. When I’m feeling very small I like reading picture and easy reader books like Dr Seuss and P.D. Eastman. It’s awesome when I can get Mr Man to read to me because he does voices for the characters, but that doesn’t happen very often. I also enjoy reading middle grade and teen books. I loved the Tiffany Aching series set in Disc World by Terry Pratchett (Mr Man’s favorite author). I’ve found a few YouTube channels that read and show kids books and recount folktales to their watchers.

 

I’m a sexual little. This is not about paedophilia in any way. I’m a fully grown consenting woman. My Daddy is not interested in having sex with children or anyone legally underage. I’m a little girl with big girl holes. I feel sweet and innocent and naughty all at the same time. I love Daddy’s perverted fairy tales, warping traditional tales into erotic stories. I love the fantasy of being little (think a drop of Alice’s shrinking drink) and Daddy being so big that he fills and stretches me all the way up. I love sucking on Daddy during sex. Whether it’s his cock or his fingers, I get a bit orally fixated. 

 

We have played with diapers, onesies, and pacis. They are fun from time to time as a novelty but not something we regularly use. Daddy has found that occasionally controlling my potty privileges is hot. He denies me until I’m desperate (he’s put me in a diaper just in case) and then he sits me on the toilet and orders me to go. Enema play sometimes goes along with this. We both get a thrill from his control of me.

 

When I’m little my favorite words are yay! aww (for cute/nice or sad), lol, pease? thanks! yummy, DADDY!!!

 

To read more from Beth please check out her own blog, Still Beth

Thinking of Playing in Public - image by kisungura of Cuiplash dressed for playThe prospect of taking play outwith the privacy of one’s home and playing in public at an event can often polarise opinions. Sometimes the answer is a resounding no, others may feel curious and wonder how the experience would feel and sometimes the response is an enthusiastic yes, let’s try it! 

I think there are a number of important things to be mindful of regarding playing in public. One – you will know yourselves whether it is appropriate and desirable for your own dynamic, two – you should not feel pressured to ‘have’ to move to public play, and three – whether you choose to play in public or not, no matter how occasionally or frequently, it doesn’t diminish or enhance your D/s ‘standing’ any more or any less as a couple. It must be what works for you both and both must be in agreement if you do choose to take your play public. It is absolutely okay to write it off completely as an option if it is not right for you, or shelf it for later if it’s currently a consideration but the right opportunity hasn’t yet presented itself or if you are still building confidence.

Sometimes couples can be quite curious, harbouring fantasies of exposing or being exposed to others in a kinky setting but worried about what to do, expect, see or experience and I can imagine this is very common. I know that for Cuiplash and I the thought of public play was initially a no until we attended a local kink event and saw for ourselves how play spaces work and surprisingly found we were both exhilarated by the prospect of trying it. I think also that some concern can naturally arise from performance anxiety and the fear of potentially doing it ‘wrong’ in front of an audience, no matter what side of the slash you occupy. Whilst these fears are very valid I am glad to say that, for us, they were completely unfounded. 

I would suggest that if you are curious it’s an incredibly valuable experience to go along to an event together and get the feel for the place. The first time Cuiplash and I attended a kink event we did not play but the seed had definitely been planted and we were keen and prepared for the second time we went a number of months later. You can learn a great deal about how well play spaces are managed logistically just by watching the Dungeon Monitors and attendees. Get acquainted with the rules of the club/event as these are often posted around the location, as well as on their online event pages. They will tend to always cover time limits, types of play allowed and disallowed, the generic club safe word that will result in a Dungeon Monitor intervening, safety and cleaning of equipment at the very least.

We’ve found that during busy times DMs will allow 30 minutes on equipment to ensure enough time for a decent scene plus sufficient turn around for all those waiting to use the equipment in the play spaces. One trick we have utilised is simply to get into a space early, therefore allowing for a longer scene. This also helped us in the early days when it wasn’t so busy by building our confidence in scening in front of a smaller audience. It’s important to know how long you have and at least have an idea of what type of scene you’d like to do, what toys you will need and the space you require. I would also suggest, if you are new to playing in public, to stick with a well known firm favourite routine rather than choosing that time to try or introduce something new that may not go to plan. 

I would imagine most play areas are set up with sufficient space around them to prevent being caught by a swinging cane by accident however spacial awareness is a must. There are fundamental rules about not crossing into or through another scene space but unfortunately people are not always as aware as they should be and it would not be the first time that Cuiplash has narrowly missed accidentally striking someone with a flogger or dragon tail as they cut through our space.

Basic manners and public play etiquette are a given in terms of such things. As is not immediately dumping down your toy bag before another scene has fully finished, and the previous players have yet to tidy up, clean the equipment and provide any required aftercare. We’ve found DMs tend to be very good at keeping an eye on who is waiting and lined up to play on equipment next but it does no harm to alert them that you’d like to try something and they’ll let you know when you can proceed and will provide a gentle non intrusive reminder when your time is almost up. They are also very helpful in assisting with anything you are new to in terms of how to use equipment. 

Cuiplash and I do not get to play in public very often at all, but when we do we always try and make the most of it and we always get a lot out of it. The first time we played in public we were both very nervous, having never scened with an audience before, and also because this pushed our boundaries around exhibitionism and openly showing our D/s dynamic and our S&M to others. Stepping barefoot onto the St. Andrew’s Cross as Cuiplash secured my wrists with the heavy leather cuffs chained to the wood, my bare bottom exposed to the gathered crowd, was a delicious cocktail of humiliation laced with glee. I still remember shivering with anticipation of showing to a gathered crowd, for the first time, that I am his. That my submission belongs to him and that I honour him as my Dominant. It was a heady combination of adrenaline and pride.

I think taking things at your own pace is also very important and taking time out to reflect and decide how and when to move on is a must, both during and after the event. Whether you play once and are done, or a number of times at one event, be mindful of altered mind states including Dom/sub high, play frenzy, drop and physical effects, I’ve often felt very shivery after an intense impact scene and a sugary drink or something sweet to eat can help you enjoy the rest of the night better. We attended one event where they came around with home made tablet for players which was a wonderful touch!

We played a number of times our first night, gaining confidence and enthusiasm as we used the different spanking benches and returned to the cross, exploring the potential of the wonderful BDSM furniture that allowed us more freedom in positioning and space than we are afforded at home. We learned a lot by observing others, the toys and techniques used and it was interesting to watch how dynamics, scenes and aftercare were conducted by others. Some play spaces have a dedicated aftercare zone, or you can provide aftercare within the play spaces if required or move out to a more informal space to relax afterwards, depending on your needs. A lightweight warm blanket is another good thing to pack into your toy bag for some snuggly post scene aftercare.

I would say that despite having concerns about ‘performing’ to an audience and knowing we are being watched I find the space always narrows to a focal point of just us. Everything and everyone else expands outwards to the periphery of our awareness as we focus on the responses of each other. He has been tender and cruel, playful and serious, tolerant and uncompromising. I have had to ask out loud which implements of pain I want, admit I want more, and count for him. This definitely pushes pleasurable objectification and humiliation buttons for me, and he knows this. I’ve shown what my body can take, what gets us off and exactly how we do it.

Another thing to be mindful of is how your responses may differ playing in public than in private. We have found that I react quite differently to public play than private play. I am usually able to take more, I think this is because the exhibitionist in me wants to push myself harder, as does he. I want to please him, and to show that I am a good submissive and masochist to him to make him proud of me in that situation. There’s also something delicious about being fully dressed up to play, and knowing others are looking at us as we do. I slip easily into a giggly high subspace as we are playing, which amuses Cuiplash no end and makes for some fun scenes surrounded by the hypnotic beat of the music, friends, observers and the exciting and stimulating sights and sounds of fellow players. It is utterly immersive and incredibly freeing experience. 

 

To read more by Kisungura, please find her at My Controlled Ascent

As the focus for this week is spanking, we thought it would be good to get a bit of an insight into what some of us like about spanking, how we use it, and how it adds to our dynamic. Personally I have written a lot on my own blog about the topic and this is because we see it as being quite central to our relationship. In addition, I am a self-confessed spanko so really the more the better, however, the sound of your mum’s bum being struck repeatedly by your dad tends to raise suspicion so we have not been able to embrace as fully as we would have liked, the real pleasures of this past-time.

What we thought would be good would be to have a bit of a collaborative approach to this post, as what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another. As a result it has been co-authored by HisLordship, Purple Sole, littlegem, Mister Man and Beth. There are also links at the bottom of the page (pardon the pun) to other posts that we have written that will expand on what we are able to say here.

 

missy

I love being spanked. I enjoy humiliation play so part of it is the feeling of embarrassment and exposure as my bottom is presented and uncovered for HisLordship. We mostly engage in erotic spanking and being over his knee is my favourite position as I love the physical contact with him. It will send me into a submissive head-space pretty fast and I will drift off, becoming lost in the exquisite combination of pleasure and pain. That position also means that he has a hand free to play with me and he will mix it up, combining heavy strikes, pinches and even bites with a bit of attention to my clit and arsehole. Often by the end I am thoroughly relaxed and ‘able to take anything’, as he so tenderly says.

Spanking is also a really good reset for us. We have often used it if things have got off track a bit as it puts each of us firmly in our respective head-spaces. This sort of spanking is not erotic like the other type, but neither is it a punishment. It is a connector and usually goes along with a dialogue where he is resetting the terms and commitment to each other that we have both agreed to abide by  on a D/s level. It pulls us back in a physical sense, combining the emotional connection that we thrive on with something very physical and allowing us to put whatever has happened behind us (pun not intended this time) so that we can move forward together again, feeling good in our Dominance and submission.

 

HISLORDSHIP

Spanking for us is usually an activity done in the prone position, as opposed to standing up. With missy being shorter than me, spanking homoerectus can put a bit of a strain on the lower back. The other reason is that we both like to be real close. I get a lot from this on a personal level (see post below!).

Following best practice I do tend to start very lightly with the odd pinch and rub. The blood flow is important and it also gives us time to relax into it.  Pinching, rubbing and tapping all slowly builds the next phase of getting some sound from the skin.  I should say clitoral stimulation is also important for us so I will occasionally touch in that area before eventually bringing a wand into play.

By the time we have warmed up and I have a good rhythm going I will check in with missy to ensure she is okay to go further; she has never said no and that is my cue to turn up the vibrations and the impact.  The great thing about spanking is you can play around for as long as you wish, going back and forth until finally when I want an orgasm it’s never far away!

 

little gem

Spanking for us is usually used as a warm up to further impact play. It’s something we used to do daily like a maintenance, but decided to instead do a longer session once a week. It became quite intense to do more frequently as I enter into sub-space quite deeply.

I enjoy the mix of pain and pleasure that a spanking gives me, especially when it gets harder, the tingles it sends through my body. The feeling of PurpleSole’s hand against my warming bottom makes me feel connected to him and appreciate his Dominance.

 

PURPLE SOLE
I usually get Gem to stand against a door, maybe shackle her hands. I rub, nip and squeeze her skin before beginning the spanking, so it gets nice and rosy. I feel its important to keep a close physical connection so she can feel my body next to hers. I prefer the spanking to be more like a slap rather than a thud so use an upward motion, maybe I just like the way her bottom moves.

 

Beth

When I first started researching D/s I came across spanking. Erotic spankings didn’t interest me. Being corporally punished for breaking protocol, being in the wrong position, forgetting his title, etc., seemed to harsh; repetition and reminders would work better for me. But I did have a need for motivation with my household chores. I came across Domestic Discipline in my reading and thought that punishment spankings would a practical way to motivate me. Mr Man was very hesitant at first but we talked about it a lot and he reluctantly agreed. The first few times did not produce the remorse and strong desire in me to change, but we kept at it. We discovered that while he shouldn’t punish in anger, I did need to hear his displeasure and annoyance to get to the right head space of remorse and contrition. I’m not spanked often but when I am they are very effective. I really appreciate Mr Man’s willingness to help motivate me in this way.

 

Mister Man

We spank exclusively for correction, as neither of us enjoy them. (We’re actually a bit jealous of couples who are able to spank for fun.) They’ve never been more than a necessary evil, but they’ve never been less than necessary, so we’ve had to explore and embrace the various techniques and mindsets to find what would work for us.

Spanking is always done OTK with Beth completely naked. The vulnerable position and state of undress, outside of an erotic context, helps set the stage for the right mindset of making Beth feel meek and receptive to correction. Once in position, we always start at the other end, meaning we stop and have a lecture so I can get into her head and further cement the distinction between her actions and my expectations. Honestly we never get to this point without the lecture pretty well having already been sorted, so I always start with “Why are we here?” and Beth explains back to me her understanding of what went wrong and what needed correction.

Once in place, the swats begin. I use a silicone paddle that delivers an astonishing sting all at once with no warmup time. (Caveat: most couples are strongly encouraged to warm up before a punishment spanking, both to increase sensitivity and decrease the risk of bruising. We have found that warmups have the exact opposite effect on Beth; they decrease sensitivity and increase bruising! So out they went. This is very much a thing we had to discover for ourselves and I do not recommend embracing this without your own experimentation.) The actual spanking probably lasts no more than twenty to thirty seconds, but those swats inflict a level of pain that goes very deep into “consensual nonconsent” territory.

Afterwards, I move us both up onto the bed and I hold her while she cries. I praise her for submitting to correction and for taking her spanking well. She’s never happy to receive a spanking, but she never fails to thank me for being willing to provide her this level of intense negative reinforcement. We don’t enjoy spanking, but we enjoy the results, so they remain a part of our D/s.

 

Thank you so much to Mister Man and Beth, and Purple Sole and littlegem for contributing to this post.

 

submissy – spanking uncovered
submissy – spanking orgasms
submissy – hand spanking
submissy – a public spanking

HisLordship – spanking
HisLordship – Bumber Command

Mister Man – The other kind of quickie
Mister Man – Empathy and Pain Tolerance

I have always said that I am not a ‘service sub’. My evidence for this has been the fact that I don’t particularly like doing chores (it certainly doesn’t turn me on) and that I complete household tasks as and when required and because they need to be done, so it has never really been linked to my D/s relationship. However, LittleLove recommended a book called ‘Real Service’, see Little Pearls Site, where she wrote an excellent review of the book. This book has got me really thinking and I realise now that I was totally mistaken in my understanding (or rather my misunderstanding) of what a service submissive was. 

 

To be honest, the book does focus on an M/s type dynamic as that is what the authors have, but I think that it is relevant for anyone who is in a relationship where the power exchange covers more than just the sexual aspects, as it is likely that a lot of the rest is based around service. Although service in a D/s dynamic is often seen as being sexual, this book is about ‘real service’ so focusses on the every day things that you do for each other in the real world and examines how that adds to your dynamic. It has made me think that actually most relationships which are 24/7 or lifestyle relationships would have those other elements of service as part of them, and that service is a part of my relationship with HisLordship – although having read the book I would not say that I am not really doing it very well.

 

Quite near the start of the book the authors look at the motivations for service and my actions come from a mixture of all three, depending on what it is I am doing. Sometimes I do it because I might benefit from it, sometimes it is out of love and sometimes it is because I like making other people happy and doing what they want. It has made me realise that to be a bit more aware of why I am doing something may help me to do it more effectively, or at least to value the act itself. I think that it will help my mindset to see some of these actions as serving, as that is what they are, I just had not thought of them in this way before.

 

It also tied in with what I wrote recently about active and passive submission. What the authors talk of with regard to service is reactive and proactive. I am definitely more proactive in what I do but realise that I have fallen into many of the traps that the book describes as being negative. One of these is doing things my own way, rather than thinking about how HL would like them to be done. I am certainly guilty of thinking that my way is better at times and also in doing things because I would like them and therefore think that he should too, which is obviously not service at all. It is pointed out quite clearly that unless service is wanted by the Dominant, it is not real service.

 

I realised that I need to spend much more time watching HL and thinking about what he actually likes and how he actually does things. Since he has been at home more of the time, I realise that I may not have allowed him the space to do things as he would like, but have expected him to do it in the way that I would usually complete the task. I thought I was being submissive as I tried to explain in a respectful way how it ‘worked best’ but I now realise how much this was probable a challenge to his Dominance. I think this has come about as he has taken over the lead in some of the jobs that were previously mine. I still help with those and have expected to do it in the same way, rather than fitting in with his new way – the one that suits him.

 

The authors describe styles of Dominance as being on a continuum which fits in with the styles of service. While Sir enjoys taking care of me and expects me to follow orders, he also enjoys being looked after and his needs being met so he is someone who likes anticipatory service. He is not one for issuing a lot of tasks for me to complete throughout the day as he finds that quite onerous and prefers me to be proactive, although in some areas he will do it. I think that we could improve things quite easily by being more defined in what we do. I do some of the ‘chores’ because I have always seen them as mine and have not really seen the link to D/s before even though we have talked about it.

 

One example is the planning and buying of food. Once a week I plan out all the meals and then will do a grocery shop (usually online).  This is something that I have always done and I manage to do it well, while sticking to the monthly budget we have agreed on. I have never before seen this as an act of service, even though it is something that HL has asked that I do. To be honest I find it tiresome and sometimes I would like help with it. Seeing it as an act of service, however, gives it a different slant. It now feels much more important to me that I am able to do it competently and in a way which will impress him. Like the people who start with DD and find themselves drifting into D/s, I feel that suddenly I am seeing the appeal to some of the more mundane household tasks as being part of the service I give. A bit of a light-bulb three years in, but better late than never.

 

Sometimes I have been frustrated that HL doesn’t seem to notice when I don’t complete some of the tasks that I have been set. This is also discussed in the book and it ties back to the idea that to be of value, the service has to be wanted by the D type and not something that the s type wants to do. Some of the things that we do have been because I initiated or asked for them. It is all very well for me to do these as part of my anticipatory service but I cannot expect Sir to follow up on them. This is something else that I have done in the past I think, and I have become frustrated at times when it seemed that he didn’t value them.

 

I see now that we need to go back and find things which matter to him. A lot of our rules and rituals were put in place to help me to feel submissive and I think we need to look at things which actually help him and make his life easier, more pleasant or help his mindset. He will notice, for example if I try to open the car door myself or if my nails are not done, but he may not notice if I drink the required amount of water or not. Both are rules but not doing one obviously irritates him and the other doesn’t. Both are of value and I think it is good for me to keep drinking the right amount of water, but I can only expect him to correct the behaviours that he really values. I think that I have to accept that just because I think things are good ideas, doesn’t mean that he will want to do them and that by doing things that make him happy, they will become important to me. I hope that HL will agree to review things and be more open with me about which ones he values and wants to keep and which ones he doesn’t.

 

So overall I feel that I have learnt a lot of really helpful things – thank you LittleLove. One – to try to look at our rules and protocols and work out which ones are important to Sir and put less emphasis on the others. Two – to discuss the tasks which he wants me to do and have a more service minded approach to completing them. And three – to watch him more closely and try to do things which I think that he will want me to do for him, rather than things that I want to do for him. Quite a lot to work on there and it won’t happen overnight, but I am feeling positive about another new twist on the way we build the power exchange into our relationship.

 

I wrote this post over a year ago and it was published on submissy. Since then I think that things have improved and the revelations I had have helped me to become better at service in general. I have also become aware that there are a lot more submissives active on the site whose dynamic has more of a DD slant and who serve on a much more domestic level to me. It would be really good to know how it works for you, either in a longer post, or via the comments, or through the forums. If you start a forum thread then please let me know so that I can link it here.

 

For information the book that I read was Real Service and I can thoroughly recommend it.

 

I think that this play is very personal to us both, how we do things may not be the way anyone else would, but I hope that it will give you an insight.

 

                                                                                   ***
She could feel the carpet against her knees as she waited for him to initiate the transformation, from herself into puppy. Although she was mostly naked, it didn’t feel that way. The tail plug nestled between her cheeks, the white leather gloves and ballet pumps all became part of puppy. But they were not necessary.

 

“Do you remember how to end the play?”

 

“Yes master, kneel in front of you in the waiting position, or safe word.”

 

He liked this to be the last thing that happened before he put on puppy’s collar, there had been incidents where the rush was too much and puppy forgot how to end the play.

 

He couldn’t believe that just a few months ago, at the start of their D/s journey, pet play was placed firmly in the hard limit zone for Littlegem. So much had changed.

 

She felt his hands brush against her neck as her day collar was removed and replaced with the dog collar. ‘Puppy’ gleamed on one side of the dangling rose gold tag, ‘Owned by master’ on the other. It’s not the collar that initiated the feeling. Or the way she wore her hair up in high bunches. These things helped, but they didn’t define the role, only decorated it. It was the control PurpleSole took whilst being puppy’s owner. His voice commanding her. This all sent her into the headspace. Let her be free.

 

The change he observed from LG to puppy was enormous. As soon as the dog collar was on he could see her eyes roll back, hear her sigh of satisfaction; he knew instantly that she was ready for play.

 

He pondered how the play would take shape this time. Sometimes it was more active, a leash would be used to get puppy to follow. Others it was more passive, a relax on the sofa whilst puppy played with her toys. Whatever happened he knew it was important to read puppy’s body language, puppy can’t talk after all, so cues help in the way of whimpers or pants.

                                                                                   ***

 

One of the most satisfying parts of pet play for me is the closeness it brings to our relationship. Deep trust is required from LG and a strong connection is felt between us during this play.

 

Pet play makes me feel very vulnerable, I think the taboo it has adds to this. I am very glad it is something that PS pushed me to explore. It has gone from something I was just going to try once, to being a weekly play for us.

 

For more writing by Littlegem and PurpleSole please check out their blog Purple’sGem

 

I have always had a good pain threshold. Pain was always something that I could manage and make work for me so I probably would have said back in the vanilla world that I was a masochist, or at the very least, masochistic.  When we started D/s I was able to explore my relationship with pain as well as my relationship with pleasure. I began to move away from the idea of being a masochist at this point really. I suppose I had the opportunity to discuss the use of pain as part of play much more openly with people who did it a lot and I realised that there was a difference in terms of where it took them, which I explored in The painful truth.

What I have learnt, however, is that I am an emotional masochist. This was pointed out to me by my friend furcissy who is a great source of information on all things BDSM. He defines an emotional masochist as “someone who gets arousal or sexual gratification from experiencing emotional suffering.  This suffering can happen in a number of ways.  Humiliation, anxiety, degradation, embarrassment, hurt feelings, and heartbreak are some examples of the types of suffering that an emotional masochist may to.  Basically, things that do not feel good.”

Experiencing emotional discomfort in the form of humiliation and shame is something that takes me to a completely different place than the physical pain and discomfort caused by heavy impact play. Although I enjoy it, physical pain will push me deeper into myself and therefore further from HisLordship whereas emotional pain will draw me out of myself and closer to him. I know that this sort of masochism is not the type which is widely spoken about, and there are often misunderstandings surrounding it. Just to clarify, I am not saying for one minute that I get off on being emotionally abused or mistreated.

What I have found is that these sort of acts, under the right set of circumstances, can be a huge trigger to me finding my submissive space and also to keeping me there. As I wriggle and squirm and am confronted with what I really am, the cognitive dissonance created pushes me deeper and deeper into my own submission, and into subspace. The discomfort can lead to me being so highly aroused that nothing else seems to register. My heart races, my senses are heightened, I am out of control of my reactions and responses and nothing else matters other than the connection that I have to him.

Although I can admit that I am an emotional masochist, I struggle to admit the ‘what’ and the ‘how’ in specific terms. I find it embarrassing: both the fact that I like it and the specifics of what I would like him to do. I don’t want to admit that this is something that turns me on, and I can’t take ownership of the detail of what exactly will press my buttons. It goes against the very idea of what I am, although ironically it is only through the ‘forced’ acceptance and acknowledgement of what I am, that I am able to reach this state and find the freedom that I crave. I cannot ask for what I want because I don’t want to want it, if that makes sense.

Another issue is that because this is something that turns me on, it has become a large part of my inner voice during play. I think there is a hesitation in handing that power over to someone else. I cannot ask him to do this to me; he has to take the control from me and do it because he knows it is what I need and want. And I need him to let me know that is what he is going to do, is doing, and has done. In life I have sought to surround myself with those who will seek to negate the words and thoughts of my inner voice, not work with them, so to take that down a different road with someone I trust and love is a thought which is both exciting and scary at the same time. So I hesitate. And I hide.

It is tricky because I do not enjoy feeling humiliated and ashamed per se, but within the right context and the right environment, with the safety of the person I love, the feelings which come from it will arouse me. The cognitive dissonance created will mean that I am freed of what I was before. I will be reduced to the point that none of that matters. In being exposed for what I am, I can leave that part of me behind. I have nothing to lose because that tough layer of self-protection has been broken apart. It has gone and he has seen what is at the centre. Not only has he brought about my reduction to this, having seen what is left, he still loves me and wants me.

I tried to explain how it worked when writing about the wearing of a tail. Usually the feelings come from doing things which I see as forbidden, or dirty or wrong. Having to admit that I get off on the things I shouldn’t want to do and acknowledge the parts of me that I have always pushed away, causes a level of discomfort that is a trigger to  feeling submissive and aroused. I simultaneously want, and don’t want, to do these things so the two lines of thought from the two parts of me collide. The fact that I have not only permitted it but also got off on it, means that I have to throw aside the sort of girl I feel I should be and embrace the sort of girl I am. That brings a huge sense of freedom. I can just be. I can just exist for him and as what he has made me.

 

Post originally published on submissy

When we first started exploring bondage, which was pretty early on for us, like before we moved in together, Daddy purchased some poly rope from our local hardware store. When i say some, what i should really say is that He bought oodles- 150 feet to be exact. He cut it into lengths and used mustache duct tape on the ends to keep it from fraying. Back then we didn’t have a headboard that we could connect things to, so He used to loop it under the bed. It was complicated, time consuming, and frankly irritating. So when we moved and bought new furniture, we picked a headboard that we could loop the rope through. It made things easier, until Daddy purchased cuffs. The deeper we got into bondage play, the more we wanted to simplify. We tried one of the store bought under the bed restraint systems, but our mattress is 16 inches thick, and it just didn’t work properly. So Daddy decided He needed to get His tool belt out and make some modifications!

For some back info- our bed is a king size called Hemnes from Ikea. We are Ikea freaks, if you haven’t noticed! It is made out of pine, and honestly isn’t very sturdy. We have broken the frame a few times lol. Our bed has a 16 inch memory foam mattress. It is massive and heavy. There is a foot board at the bottom that we are not able to loop through.

Moving on… We purchased 8 mountable D rings from the hardware store, and 3/4 inch screws with a flat top so they wouldn’t rub anything. Daddy screwed them to the bed- 2 went in the center of the headboard, then 4 went on each corner of the bed, we had 2 left over.

Daddy is now able to attach me in all sorts of ways to our bed! He uses carabiners, hog ties, straps, velcro, rope, etc! The sky is the limit. No more half hour setups, just a quick click and we are ready to go! We have included some photos below (please excuses Lala for sitting on my face!)

We hope you’ve enjoyed this post, and that maybe it has inspired you to go DIY your bed restraint system! Remember- Safety First! Have fun!

 

For more from Lars and winnie visit Married and Owned!

So here we are.  Been a while hasn’t it, but I did warn you.

So settle in.  A little over a year has passed since sweetgirl asked me to consider being her dominant.  If you’re  new here are wondering what you have missed click this link to my first post.  and sweetgirls journal here much more content from SwG.  So I thought we would check in.

So what is there to discuss? Well that is simple, whatever we want.   Feel free to ask questions and I will try to answer them.
However, let me tell you about my year.  I have found a number of things to be true over the last year or so.   Firstly if your communication slips everything slips.   It is hard as we try to be D/s all the time (notice i didn’t say 24/7, that’s  because I hate that phrase) but life gets in the way.  Over the last year Sweetgirl has changed jobs twice and this puts obstacles in the way such as her bringing work home.  I know what you’re  thinking “You’re the Dom tell her she can’t” well that may seem to be an easy solution but has consequences as her mental state will change with worry.  You see she is the type of lady that gives her all to everything she does.  (Remember I said we would have had a fully fitted playroom and rack full of toys in the first week if she wasn’t controlled).  So when starting a new job I find it best to give some slack so she can focus on what she has to do outside of the home and the dynamic.
We, like most people have rituals and this helps but there is a diffrent connection made when playing compared to when we do her day/night collars.  Sweetgirl goes deeper into subspace when we play,  even the limited play we can do at home can send her down.  But playing at home comes with it’s own challenges as I am sure it does for anyone with kids and pets.  Our two children are all grown up and we had a routine with the youngest as he is a bit of a gamer so spends most of his time in his room with headphones on wageing war on some distant land.  So the sound of the flogger doesn’t register.  However our eldest has come home before hopefully moving to London in a month or two but this has changed the dynamic of the house as he spends more time watching tv or reading in his room, so noise registers and he has been known in the past to let us know when we are disturbing him.
Another thing I have noticed over the last year is the amount of planning and structure I like, not only my everyday life but in play and scenes.  Before one particular incident I would have said I do little planning or prep for play/scenes.  But this false hood was highlighted to me recently.
When sweetgirl and I started on this journey we agreed that play at home would be problematic due to kids and pets.  Yes there are ways round everything given time and money, but with that comes a sudden change of day to day routine.  For instance if we were to suddenly start fully closing doors to keep pets out the room then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out what we are doing.  So we agreed that we would invest in ourselves and book a hotel night or two away every month.  Now this went well and we have a favourite hotel which we go to every couple of months and we use a chain hotel to keep the cost down for other monthly getaways.  Normally we have them written down so we know when we are going etc.   I tend to send email instructions to sweetgirl telling her what to pack and giving a brief outline of what will happen during our time away.
Well this one particular week we appear not to have wrote it down thankfully a email reminder from the site that we use to book was received but instead of having our usual week to prepare we only had a few days.   Unfortunately we couldn’t cancel without still having to pay and on top of this it was new hotel.  So we packed on the day and decided to go to a pub/restaurant that we pass on the way to our local munch for something to eat before heading to the hotel.  It was disappointing to say the least but once at the hotel things just felt odd for us both and the evening didn’t flow.  We are due back at that hotel soon to see if we can break that feeling.
Now when we started out full time D/s we decided that we would have a collar for play and one for everyday.   But the one for everyday needed to be something that Sweetgirl could wear everyday and not raise suspicion.  After all it only needed to mean something to us.   So in 23 years of being together I think I picked my first peice of jewellery that Sweetgirl would wear.  It was a long silver chain with a eye and a silver bar that passes through it.  I also made her a night/play collar from paracord that we swap in a ritual before bed.  Recently however we have changed the day collar that we bought for a collar I hand made out of silver.  I like to be busy even when sat down so I started looking at chainmaille as it is something I can do sat on the sofa.  I made her a byzantine collar and I believe she likes it as it is tighter around her neck and reminds her of her submission.   I am hoping to get into leather work but feel I need a dedicated space for this so need the kids to leave but that is another story.
So social media is and has been about for sometime and for a variety of reason I decided I would join twitter and instagram this was for a number of reason but mainly because I do not know everything and although my imagination is good it has it’s limit.  It is going well, although I am amazed at how many men seem to think it is acceptable to send unsolicited pictures of their penis to women they have never met or even introduced themselves too.   I am learning lots and filing stuff away for the future.
We were lucky enough to be invited to our first event by a friend that has amazing knowledge and has been on the scene for some time.   This was a big step for me personally and for Sweetgirl.   Sweetgirl’s out fit was risqué but not the risquést one at the event by any stretch I know she was out of her comfort zone with it as it was quite revealing, again not the most revealing.   We got there quite early and introduced ourselves to the organiser.  We also got to meet our friend’s slave for the first time.  Seeing some of the protocols in place was interesting.  For me personally I am not nor have I ever been a fan of large crowds.  I remember when I first met Sweetgirl she asked if I would attend a meatloaf concert with her, but due to my dislike of large crowds a concert is just a no go for me.   I cant explain it really I am just not comfortable, not anxious or anything it is just a feeling.  Think i have been to 3 rugby games in my life despite being a fan of my hometown rugby club all my life.
I do find rope work and flogging very enjoyable and do plan on attending the local rope workshop soon (if it doesn’t co-inside with my week on call).   We recently had the opportunity to attend a Flogging workshop held by Aemellia Hawk and was excited and booked early.   This workshop was a talk and demonstration by Aemeilla and the opportunity to practice in the club and receive coaching from this wonderfully funny and talented practitioner.   However as some of you may know Sweetgirl has had issues with her back for more than a decade.  Earlier in the year she had a procedure done that made her pain free for 2 days as a test.   When we booked it we knew there was a chance that the proper procedure would be done around the time of the workshop.   Yip you guest it the procedure was scheduled for the Friday as the workshop was on the Sunday.   A long story short we attended but due to Sweetgirl being 48 post surgical procedure we didn’t play despite Sweetgirl’s remonstrations (remember my love part of my role is to protect you even from yourself)  but learned lots and have ordered some new floggers from amealia
What does the future hold?  Well that is difficult to answer as it depends on what the future gives me to work with.  There are lots I would like to do and try that will not only push Sweetgirl but push me too.   As I have said I want to attend the rope workshops and there is always the option to play at the munches we attend.  I would like to make more friends in the kink community as there is so much to learn.

When we first joined online communities for BDSM lifestyles, we were excited. Excited to the point that we both had a bit of frenzy. So many people talked about so many things, and we wanted to try it all. We have made many friends over the years who have felt the same way. And frenzy is no joke- it can really get people emotionally and physically hurt. When you are new to the lifestyle, and testing the waters, it can be easy to confide in people who portray an “expert” role. But we have learned that the people who appear to have conquered BDSM and become experts are really the people you need to watch out for. You may come across highly confident individuals who claim to have tried everything. They may state their experience in decades, and manipulate their way into your lives. They will “mentor” you, claiming that there is only one way- their way- and state that anyone else living any other way is fake. These are dangerous waters.

It is SO important to keep in mind that when you go online, you can be anyone. Just because someone says they have been in the lifestyle for 20 years, it does not mean it is true. And we would say to take everything with a grain of salt, but we have seen too many people get injured, and have their relationships destroyed, because of the influence of an expert. You can’t trust anyone, not right off the bat. If you have been given advice by anyone, including those claiming to be experts, get a second, third, even fourth opinion.

Here are some examples of the “expert advice” we have observed over the years:

It is encouraged to add oils to melted wax during wax play.

This is a terrible idea. One, any person in the medical industry knows that oil and burns make burns worse. The context of this advice was explaining wax play to a newbie. The person sharing this advice claimed to have been given it by a wax expert. The general consensus on wax play is to use pure soy or paraffin wax. For a novice just testing things out, it is especially important to triple check your research and advice received! Advanced players might play with oils, but generally they use them on the body, not in the wax, as a means of easier removal of cooled, hardened wax.


You don’t need a safeword, and can rely on your partner to just know when you’re at your limit.

This is NOT okay. We have decided as a couple that our safewords are reserved only for the most extreme situations, but that is because we communicate with each other during scenes! Some subs say they can’t speak when they are in subspace. But they still have safewords, or at the very least hand signals. It is not the norm for kinksters to not have safewords, and is dangerous for new people to expect their partners to read their minds. The more experienced players might not use safewords, but that is an extreme dynamic, and is not typical, especially with new people.

There is no such thing as an expert. It is one thing to go to a class, or workshop, to learn how to flog, or crack a whip. It is another thing to be told by a total stranger on the internet how to do things. There is no one right way to practice BDSM, but there are very important safety issues to keep in mind. Always triple check the information people give you. Always keep your eyes open and remember that not everyone is what they claim to be. Always use your best judgement on safety and protect your partners.

We hope you enjoyed our post about experts. Don’t forget- experts are like unicorns! They don’t exist.

For more from winnie and Lars visit Married and Owned.