Setting goals for D/s

So welcome to the New Year and with that comes the thought of what we want to get from it in a variety of ways. For HL and I this involves thinking about personal goals and achievements but also ones for the site and for our D/s. This post falls into the latter category and is really a sort of list of questions for us to think about where we are, where we want to be, and how we are going to get there. Hopefully this will help to set some Dom sub goals.

I have written this for couples because we are going to use it ourselves but the reflection will be done on an individual level so if you are not currently in a relationship then hopefully it will still make sense for you. Although we are doing it at the start of the new year, this is something which might be helpful at any point, either when starting out in a new relationship, or when planning for growth and connection in terms of your own Dominance or submission.

What sort of Dominant or submissive are you?

The first thing to ask yourself is what sort of Dominant or submissive you are. I think this is something that can get lost. We identify for whatever reason with being Dom or sub, but that is really only the start of our journey. Who and what we are changes and alters all of the time. We are not all the same, so it isn’t a case of finding a label and sticking it on. It is much easier if we have some clarity about exactly what being Dominant or submissive means to us.

1. What are your Dominant or submissive traits and qualities?

By this I mean what makes you a good Dominant or submissive. Which are the parts that naturally lend themselves to this role? How does that feel and/or look for you. Try to think about this in some level of detail and use evidence to explain and support what you are saying. The point is to gain some clarity and focus so don’t rush. Just take your time and add to your list as things come to you.

2. What are the traits and qualities you have which can be a barrier to being Dominant or submissive?

Again, take your time to reflect on this. Although it is often easier to think about the negatives of our own personalities, we want to be able to work on these and find ways to support them or grow with them. Think about the things which can get in the way for you. Are there certain behaviours or beliefs which clash with how you want to be or how you see yourself? Are there things which you do, even though you know that they aren’t going to be positive?

Once you have done this you should have a fair idea of what you see as being your strengths and weaknesses in terms of your role as a D or an s. Whether you are going to share your thoughts with someone else or not, hopefully having done this will allow you to feel more connected to yourself and make it easier to access the right mindset. Hopefully, it will give you a sense of what you are working towards, so making best use of your natural positives, and finding ways to support the areas where you can feel you come unstuck.

What do you want from Dominance or submission?

The next part of the task is to think about what you want from your Dominance or submission. We are all very different and how D/s looks to one will not be the same for another. In my experience it has been very difficult to find material which is realistic and doesn’t view D/s thought rose tinted spectacles. That said, what you want to get from this sort of relationship will be central for you, so it is worth thinking about what you are aiming for.

3. What are the things that you would like from your Dominance or submission?

Being in a Dominant or submissive headspace doesn’t just happen. It is about how we think, how we feel and how we behave.

Make a list for each of the three areas: thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

Perhaps this has been influenced by fiction and things which may not be realistic but it is still important to acknowledge how you would like things to be. Hopefully this will help you to set some goals (realistic not fictional) which you can work towards either as a couple or as an individual. That part is really where the reality comes in as it will allow you to see whether or not you are setting yourself unrealistic goals and setting unachievable outcomes.

4. What do you want from a Dominant or submissive partner?

A useful part of this might also be to ask yourself what sort of things you want from a partner. If you are not currently in a relationship then thinking about the Dominant or submissive qualities and traits you would be looking for is a good starting point.

For those who are already in dynamic try to articulate what you want from your partner in terms of their Dominance or submission. You already know what their positive traits are and areas they struggle with are, so try to think about the things which work well, and others where you might be able to support a change. Are there things they could do which would help you with the areas where you want to grow or to focus on?

5. How do you see your D/s as working?

Part of this might also be to explain how you see your D/s working. What does it look like for you, or at least, how would you like it to look?

Evaluation and goal setting

6. Which are the areas you want to work on?

The last thing to do is to have a think about where are you now. This task should have given you an idea of who you are as a Dom or a sub and how you want things to be in terms of your D/s. But how far along that journey are you? Use this to help to set some Dom sub goals, either individually or by comparing notes and coming up with a plan as a couple. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If this year has taught us anything it is that life can be unpredictable so try to start with small things you do.

Often little things can effect large changes, especially where mindset and connection is concerned. Try to choose two or three goals that you would like to reach. Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 as to how close you are to reaching that goal currently. Remember that you will likely not be starting from 1 and 10 should be achievable, so don’t set something up which is not going to be possible. Setting yourself up for failure will not be positive for anyone. You might want to note down what 10 would look like and then how you characterise the point you are at now.

It is important to have a plan of how you are going to get there. So if moving say from 5 to 6, what are you going to do? What action are you going to take to make this possible. Of course some steps may happen more quickly than others and at points you may seem to jump or to stand still. For this reason it is important to come back and check your progress, evaluating how things are progressing and why. Doing this should also help you as it will make you accountable rather than simply making resolutions that aren’t achieved.

My own experience is that to write about something and explain it in a way which can be understood by others takes more focus than just to think about it. For this reason I would suggest writing down the answers to these questions, whether that is on a blog or in a journal, or just somewhere that you are going to keep for you. HL and I have both agreed to try to work on this in order to set some goals so when we have done this, I will add some links as an example.

Although HL and I have been in a D/s lifestyle dynamic for a number of years now, we are still always working on improving things and growing as individuals and as a couple. For this reason we have decided to do a bit of a back to basics this year. I thought that I would write up the tasks we are going to use for our reflection and make them into a sort of workbook so if you are new to D/s, or are looking to refocus, reconnect, or deepen your power exchange then feel free to follow along.

When I started to do this task I realised that I was writing a lot so I have broken down the questions above into three parts according to the headings for publishing. These are my responses so far if you are interested:
Submissive Traits and Qualities
What I want from being submissive
Submissive Goals: Looking in the Mirror

And this one is HL’s response from a Dominant viewpoint:
Goals

To read more about Building a D/s Dynamic please check out the posts in this category.

© The SafeworD/s Club