self reflection

Self Reflection. Me?

One would assume that having been in a D/s relationship for a fair few years now I would have a good grasp on where I am with myself.  Well the faux surprise is that I didn’t, until today.  Missy and I have been discussing her needs and specific kinks that press her buttons, or more accurately she was trying to explain to me in terms that I would understand.  You see kinks are not clear-cut inanimate objects are they? They are more fluid and darker, like a deep pond  It was during this swim through the kinky waters that missy announced that she really didn’t know what my kinks were. She knows what we do, but where does the kinky and pervy line get drawn with me?

I had to admit that I had not really thought about it and most of my time is spent enjoying myself doing things to get her off. Now before that frown on your forehead becomes permanent, I know, I’m not emotionally intelligent.  I never have been, in fact I have never taken the time to carry out any mental self-examination.  I did once write about issues I face and part of that is not knowing who I really am, and who I want to be.

So, what did I learn today in school, when walking the dog with missy?

  1. I like inflicting pain and want to make missy take more for my pleasure
  2. I am a closet pervert and some of my thoughts are really fucked up!
  3. Restraining missy makes me want to do bad things to her
  4. I like putting needles through her skin
  5. I would like to cut her
  6. I’ll end it there before an arrest warrant is produced…..but there is more.

You see, I’ve never expressed those thoughts. Again, I know, don’t throw things at me, I’m an only child who is a bit insula!  However, I’m out of the closet, of sorts.  I see myself slightly different today and missy certainly does.  Being spanked is one thing, knowing the spanker has a hard on because of it changes the whole show! The year 2020 might be the year of the Rat for the Chinese, but for me it’s the year of the enlightened!

 

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Posted in Living a D/s Lifestyle and tagged , , .

10 Comments

  1. Happy New Year HL! I have never known what my Norseman’s kinks are either. In the past he would say, as you, that he likes seeing me get off but as far as his deepest darkest kinky thoughts I have no idea if he has them and less of an idea as to what they are. I communicate mine to him in writing and he acts on them but I’m hoping 2020 will be a year for him to come out more also.

  2. I know MrH struggles with this too… when I ask him to tell me what he likes he just shrugs, which unfortunately isn’t helpful… but I am hopeful that in time he my find a way to verbalize them for me 😊

  3. I think it is really quite common in a couple for one half to follow the other half and use their kinks as a lead. When one is turned in, we both are, after all. 😁😁😁😁
    It sounds like your kinks are of the dark variety, not all that uncommon, and certainly not without good company. There are even littles with dark, edgy kinks; dark age play, they call it. I’ve been listening to “Off the Cuffs,” a kinky podcast. I’ve heard quite a few episodes where people share their dark kinks. There’s one called Taste the rainbow with a little whose into dark age play. Also others, not little…
    Enjoy your discovery!

  4. I agree, it’s common for many D-types to fall into “pleasuring” their s-type without thought to their own needs. But it is also true that while spanking is nice….being spanked for HIS pleasure/desire is so much better 🤣🤣

  5. This seems to be the time to say, “Welcome to the dark side, we have cookies!” Sorry I’m a bit of a nerd and I love a good joke/pun. All joking aside- it is almost like a slap to the face when we realize how dark we really are. I know mine simmers just below the surface and pet is aware of it. We have to take things slower though because there are many “arrestable” (if that’s a word) things I would love try but he isn’t ready yet. It’s not easy admitting what we want as Dominants as we focus on our submissive’s needs more, but the road does go both ways and not acknowledging something in ourselves can be detrimental to the dynamic/relationship. Best of luck in your journey!

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