One would assume that having been in a D/s relationship for a fair few years now I would have a good grasp on where I am with myself. Well the faux surprise is that I didn’t, until today. Missy and I have been discussing her needs and specific kinks that press her buttons, or more accurately she was trying to explain to me in terms that I would understand. You see kinks are not clear-cut inanimate objects are they? They are more fluid and darker, like a deep pond It was during this swim through the kinky waters that missy announced that she really didn’t know what my kinks were. She knows what we do, but where does the kinky and pervy line get drawn with me?
I had to admit that I had not really thought about it and most of my time is spent enjoying myself doing things to get her off. Now before that frown on your forehead becomes permanent, I know, I’m not emotionally intelligent. I never have been, in fact I have never taken the time to carry out any mental self-examination. I did once write about issues I face and part of that is not knowing who I really am, and who I want to be.
So, what did I learn today in school, when walking the dog with missy?
- I like inflicting pain and want to make missy take more for my pleasure
- I am a closet pervert and some of my thoughts are really fucked up!
- Restraining missy makes me want to do bad things to her
- I like putting needles through her skin
- I would like to cut her
- I’ll end it there before an arrest warrant is produced…..but there is more.
You see, I’ve never expressed those thoughts. Again, I know, don’t throw things at me, I’m an only child who is a bit insula! However, I’m out of the closet, of sorts. I see myself slightly different today and missy certainly does. Being spanked is one thing, knowing the spanker has a hard on because of it changes the whole show! The year 2020 might be the year of the Rat for the Chinese, but for me it’s the year of the enlightened!