Hello! The following post contains discussion points from the chat hosted at The Safeword/s Club. Join us for our next chat, on Monday, July 16, at 9:30 pm EDT to discuss pervertables!
These notes are the opinions of Lars and slars of Married and Owned, and the participants of the chat, and do not reflect the opinions and views of the entire BDSM community.
“Tonights topic is all about meeting emotional needs. Some of this might be elementary, but it’s good to review, because a healthy relationship with ourselves and our partners is the foundation for a solid dynamic!”
How do you fill your partner’s emotional tank?
-Knowing your partner’s love languages- Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch
Reference: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
-Paying attention to your partner’s body language and words
-Making yourself available forgiving physical affection
-Responding quickly to messages and calls
-Having uninterrupted time together, showering together, finding time to talk and laugh
-Using words of affirmation to feed your partner, knowing that being repetitive is not a bad thing
-Handwritten notes, surprises, gifts
-NO glitter bombs 🙁
What self care do you implement to meet your own emotional needs?
-Quiet time, vegging out
-Baths, personal care
-Reading, video games
What do you and your partner do to satisfy your emotional needs during times of crisis and instability?
-Leaning into leadership and protective nature of Dom/me
-Finding comfort in impact play, using Sadism and masochism to clear the mind
-Communicating and holding each other
-Just being there, sexual or non sexual
-Focusing on aftercare
Are you comfortable asking for or taking what you need?
Challenges in asking for what you need:
-It is hard due to fears of being too needy or getting rejected
-Don’t want to be a burden
-Asking is embarrassing
-Fear that needs of partners would be opposite
-Fear that needs are too extreme
Things to avoid:
-Relying on partner to just know- mind reading
-Being manipulative, selfish, or explosive
-Going without, sacrificing actual needs because you don’t want to put your partner out
-Knowing that your partner wants and needs you to express and explain your needs
-When your partner is not available to meet your needs, implementing self care is helpful
-Recognizing that both parties have emotions and needs
-It is the responsibility of both parties to see to the other partner’s needs inside and outside the dynamic
When your partner has upset you, how do you approach them to discuss it?
-Using I statements
-Knowing each other better than anyone, understanding your partner’s fears and strengths
-Conveying that your partner hasn’t failed, isn’t stupid, relaying confidence in your partner’s abilities to care for you, even when they missed the mark
-Journaling about the small stuff, but also talking about it, not letting it build up
-Knowing your partner can’t read your mind, not playing games
-Being honest and open
-Setting aside times to meet and discuss issues, questions, concerns
-Avoiding being harsh, manipulative, disrespectful
How do you sustain a D/s dynamic during times of distress?
-Having times of low protocol, taking breaks from formal dynamics
-Keeping with routines, intense levels of discipline, lots of aftercare
Special thanks to Emma for the quote of the night:
“Don’t write checks your ass can’t cash.”