Any new relationship will have its challenges, and I will go so far as to say a BDSM relationship probably has more than a “vanilla” relationship does. There is so much that goes into learning your new role as a submissive that it can be overwhelming. Today I want to talk about the pain of submission.
During the first few weeks of our M/s relationship we encountered a few bumps. The first was due to my inexperience in the BDSM world. The second was a difference of male/female perspective. And the third was a second “all or nothing” point for our relationship.
I won’t go into a lot of detail about the first two “bumps” as they were relatively minor. The first had to do with a video that I completely overreacted to. The second involved an incident during a chat that caused me embarrassment, humiliation and quite a few tears. With both issues, I was lucky to have the support of some wonderful ladies at The Safewords Club. I turned to them for advice, and I was able to talk and sort out my feelings, getting my emotions under control, so that I could talk with my Master in a respectful, constructive manner rather than as a spewing volcano of emotions. From the beginning my Master has stressed the importance of my being honest with Him and coming to Him if something is bothering me. I am allowed to have opinions and thoughts, and a voice to share them. This wasn’t easy so early in the relationship, but I did, and we were able to resolve both issues. And even though PuppetMaster may not have agreed with me on the incident during chat, He acknowledged that it caused me pain, and because my feelings were important to Him, He made adjustments so that it would not happen again. The third brought me to another crossroad, where I would be forced to decide whether to stay in the relationship or ask my Master to release me from my contract. The third taught me about the pain of submission.
My Master is a sadist. I knew this going in. He didn’t hide it, in fact He was very upfront about His desires and needs. Our contract is very specific about my duties in fulfilling those needs. So it should have been no surprise to me when He asked me to purchase a specific item to use for torment. I thought nothing of it honestly until He asked me if I was nervous about it. I answered that I was not nervous because the item was to be used for punishment and I had been a good girl. My Master informed me that yes, it may be used for punishment, but it would also be used for His enjoyment. I asked Him why and He said because He gets off on it. This hit me hard. The realization that my Master wanted to cause me pain for no reason other than it aroused Him was something I just could not wrap my head around.
I don’t like pain. I know some submissives enjoy it, that it gets them to subspace. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. I fear pain. It does not turn me on, I do not get aroused by it. I don’t want to be hurt. So how in the Hell was I going to serve my sadistic Master? I didn’t know if I could.
Just to be clear, I’m not talking about pain that the submissive enjoys during play, whether impact play, nipple clamps, candle wax, etc. I’m talking about unwanted pain that the Dominant inflicts to quench a need that He alone has. The type of pain that puts fear in the eyes of His submissive, and eventually brings tears to those eyes.
I again turned to the members of The Safewords Club for advice. Many of the subs I talked with enjoy the pain of impact play (paddles, floggers, whips) as well as other forms of erotic pain during play. Their advice was to give it a chance, start slow, remember my safewords and trust my Master. But none of them were dealing with the type of situation I was, a sadist who needed to inflect pain periodically to be satisfied.
I spent a lot of time thinking about this and it caused me a lot of heartache and tears. My Master and I discussed it many times (He wrote a wonderful post about it in the SWC forum, called Why Does My Master Want To Hurt Me), and while He has faith that I can endure what He wants, I am not so sure. I enjoy serving my Master and pleasing Him brings me great joy. My Master has always treated me with kindness and respect, He is patient with me and has cared for me in every way a Dom should. I wanted to be His. It came down to one question: was I willing to endure the pain of submission my Master required, even when it brought me no pleasure, in order to please Him? The answer was yes.
I still struggle with this issue. I have doubts about whether I can provide what my Master needs. We have experimented with a flogger, and it was extremely painful. When I see other subs talking about how much they enjoy different pain play, I feel completely inadequate. I have served my Masters needs twice; they were both hard, but I survived. We will soon meet in person for the first time, and I am terrified. I am terrified of the pain. I am terrified of safewording and disappointing Him. I am terrified of the pain of my submission. Mostly, I am terrified that He will leave knowing that I will never be enough for Him.
This is the fifth in a series of posts which follows the training of Cruel’s Sex Puppet. If you enjoy this post, please give it a like and drop a comment below.
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Pain is very much not for everyone and I wouldn’t worry if other subs can take pain or not, ultimately it is your experience and every dynamic is unique. By all means try new experiences, but I would advise that using your safeword isn’t something to fear, it shows you have reached your limit and reaching that limit is an achievement
Thank you PS, I appreciate your input. I think this is one of those things that until it happens I will continue to stress over it. Once my Master is here, it will either be ok or it won’t, but at least at that point I will know and the anticipation and uncertainty will be gone.
Please try not to let the fear (or terror in your words) of needing to use your safeword be a thing. As, to play hard and push, he needs to be comfortable in the knowledge that you will use it if you need it.
Remember that this is all a journey and you’ll grow as you go through it.
Likewise, you mention the terror at disappointing him – again, he’ll be seeing this as a journey to take you along.
Do try hard to relax and enjoy.
Thank you Sir Paul for your advice. I know you are correct about safewords and my Master has been assured that I will use mine. I am no martyr. Lol I have been mostly ignoring that part of the upcoming visit and focusing on being with my Master. I will enjoy Him while He is here and do my best to please Him. That is all I can do.
I think that there is a misnomer that a sub needs to take a set amount of pain where really it is relative. I am sure there are ways for your master to combine pain and pleasure for you and allow the one to merge with the other. Part of submission is the giving in and letting go and that comes from the trust. As you say, when you are together it will work or not but I think it likely that it will not be the pain that you imagine at the moment and of you are able to accept and submit to him then the rest will probably fall into place. I also see strength in using a safeword so please don’t hesitate because that is about safety and your safety always come before his pleasure for him. Missy x
Thank you missy. I truly appreciate your advice. My Master has been assured that I will use my safewords, and I will, so He is comfortable in that. In my submission there are two types of pain: the pain of play and the pain for Him. In person, they will still be pain only for Him, but there will also be pain combined into play for the first time. I accept and submit to both. We will know soon enough how it goes.
csp xx
I’ll confess I’m absolutely new to this, so my opinion may be somewhat naive. I have always enjoyed receiving some pain but this is the key point here I’ve enjoyed it and so has my partner. I don’t believe anyone should be in fear of their partners actions.
Yes there should be anticipation but not fear.
If the pain has not felt right then I say. If it’s not enjoyable then it’s not right for you. We are all unique and we know what’s rights and it’s absolutely ok to say if it isn’t.
Hi Ms. Purple, thank you for taking the time to comment. All opinions are appreciated, whether from beginner or old pro, everyone has value. The pain issue is a very difficult one, both for me and my Master. He wants and needs it and while I do not like it, I want and need to give it to Him. I know I can say I can’t do it, and my Master has in fact made this decision for me, but that is not something I want to do. I knew my Master was a sadist when I agreed to give Him my submission. It is a part of who He is. I will not pick and choose which parts I will serve; rather I choose to serve all of my Master, if that makes sense. As I say above, the pleasure I get from pleasing Him outweighs the pain.
Thanks again for your comments. csp xxoo
Thank you for this post. As a newly discovered Painslut, by my now Sir. I realise, I have always been first and foremost a Painslut & submissive Woman second. Just never had the right Sir who knows how to manage me correctly.
Be reassured your Master knows what he is doing, he has chosen you because he knows what he wants & what he needs. You will never disappoint him because he is here to teach and guide you.
That’s what Master’s do. They are well aware of their role. They have a place just like we do.
Fear is a very strong emotion which gets in the way of many things in life simply because we don’t understand what’s going on, this makes us afraid. New things can make us afraid. Lots of things make us afraid.
As submissive Woman, we may at times find ourselves in very vulnerable situations especially; unfortunately with the wrong people. This ultimately plants the seed of “Fear”
Pain for me is exhilarating, exciting, pain takes me to a place where everything around me just falls away leaving only
Sir and his painslut in the moment.
It takes a special kind of person to understand the need, the desire, the craving, of pain weather it is on the receiving end or the one delivering it.
You are fine, learn to breathe in the moment, focus, and most of all enjoy the journey. Communication is everything
J
Thank you CSP for these wonderful series. It’s comforting know how much we have in common. I also go through periods where I’m worried if I’m enough. Sir and I are very open and I know about his past relationships. I think that’s my problem. I’m comparing myself to his subs he had for years. Then I just turn 45 and Sir is 39. Of course it’s me over thinking. Being new I’ve made many mistakes. Sir has let some pass, but it finally caught up to me and received my first punishment a few weeks ago. First thing Sir always tells me is if I remember my safeword. He has implanted safety first in my mind. He has suggested for me to try self tie, but before I do so Sir said to have a few scissors at hand. I’ve tried 3 self ties so far and Sir was very pleased with them.) I’ll admit when we are trying something new I’m nervous. I know my Sir will not allow anything bad to happen to me. Sir has my trust, as I have his. I am learning a lot about myself. Where I was shy to show Sir my body, to taking sexy and provocative pictures for his Christmas gift. Which he loved! You and VL have been so kind and helped me a lot. I so happy to have found this site. I look forward to more blogs from you. ☺️