Any new relationship will have its challenges, and I will go so far as to say a BDSM relationship probably has more than a “vanilla” relationship does. There is so much that goes into learning your new role as a submissive that it can be overwhelming. Today I want to talk about the pain of submission.
During the first few weeks of our M/s relationship we encountered a few bumps. The first was due to my inexperience in the BDSM world. The second was a difference of male/female perspective. And the third was a second “all or nothing” point for our relationship.
I won’t go into a lot of detail about the first two “bumps” as they were relatively minor. The first had to do with a video that I completely overreacted to. The second involved an incident during a chat that caused me embarrassment, humiliation and quite a few tears. With both issues, I was lucky to have the support of some wonderful ladies at The Safewords Club. I turned to them for advice, and I was able to talk and sort out my feelings, getting my emotions under control, so that I could talk with my Master in a respectful, constructive manner rather than as a spewing volcano of emotions. From the beginning my Master has stressed the importance of my being honest with Him and coming to Him if something is bothering me. I am allowed to have opinions and thoughts, and a voice to share them. This wasn’t easy so early in the relationship, but I did, and we were able to resolve both issues. And even though PuppetMaster may not have agreed with me on the incident during chat, He acknowledged that it caused me pain, and because my feelings were important to Him, He made adjustments so that it would not happen again. The third brought me to another crossroad, where I would be forced to decide whether to stay in the relationship or ask my Master to release me from my contract. The third taught me about the pain of submission.
My Master is a sadist. I knew this going in. He didn’t hide it, in fact He was very upfront about His desires and needs. Our contract is very specific about my duties in fulfilling those needs. So it should have been no surprise to me when He asked me to purchase a specific item to use for torment. I thought nothing of it honestly until He asked me if I was nervous about it. I answered that I was not nervous because the item was to be used for punishment and I had been a good girl. My Master informed me that yes, it may be used for punishment, but it would also be used for His enjoyment. I asked Him why and He said because He gets off on it. This hit me hard. The realization that my Master wanted to cause me pain for no reason other than it aroused Him was something I just could not wrap my head around.
I don’t like pain. I know some submissives enjoy it, that it gets them to subspace. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. I fear pain. It does not turn me on, I do not get aroused by it. I don’t want to be hurt. So how in the Hell was I going to serve my sadistic Master? I didn’t know if I could.
Just to be clear, I’m not talking about pain that the submissive enjoys during play, whether impact play, nipple clamps, candle wax, etc. I’m talking about unwanted pain that the Dominant inflicts to quench a need that He alone has. The type of pain that puts fear in the eyes of His submissive, and eventually brings tears to those eyes.
I again turned to the members of The Safewords Club for advice. Many of the subs I talked with enjoy the pain of impact play (paddles, floggers, whips) as well as other forms of erotic pain during play. Their advice was to give it a chance, start slow, remember my safewords and trust my Master. But none of them were dealing with the type of situation I was, a sadist who needed to inflect pain periodically to be satisfied.
I spent a lot of time thinking about this and it caused me a lot of heartache and tears. My Master and I discussed it many times (He wrote a wonderful post about it in the SWC forum, called Why Does My Master Want To Hurt Me), and while He has faith that I can endure what He wants, I am not so sure. I enjoy serving my Master and pleasing Him brings me great joy. My Master has always treated me with kindness and respect, He is patient with me and has cared for me in every way a Dom should. I wanted to be His. It came down to one question: was I willing to endure the pain of submission my Master required, even when it brought me no pleasure, in order to please Him? The answer was yes.
I still struggle with this issue. I have doubts about whether I can provide what my Master needs. We have experimented with a flogger, and it was extremely painful. When I see other subs talking about how much they enjoy different pain play, I feel completely inadequate. I have served my Masters needs twice; they were both hard, but I survived. We will soon meet in person for the first time, and I am terrified. I am terrified of the pain. I am terrified of safewording and disappointing Him. I am terrified of the pain of my submission. Mostly, I am terrified that He will leave knowing that I will never be enough for Him.
This is the fifth in a series of posts which follows the training of Cruel’s Sex Puppet. If you enjoy this post, please give it a like and drop a comment below. To read more, follow this link: Adventures of a new submissive.