orgasm control

How to Master Orgasm Control

I realised that we didn’t have a post about orgasm control so thought it would be an idea to write one. As always, there is no wrong or right so these are just suggestions about what you might want to try which are based on my own experience.

What is Orgasm Control?

Orgasm control is as it sounds: it is about one partner (usually the Dom or Top) taking control of the orgasms of the other partner (usually the sub or bottom). This could be as simple as someone having to ask permission to orgasm before they do. Although this may seem difficult or awkward to do first of all, it will soon become a habit that both your head and your body adhere to. Often people will build this sort of orgasm control into their rules in order to reinforce the D/s dynamic that they have.

There are other forms of orgasm control which are probably more complex and might require a bit more thought and practice. I will cover three here: forced orgasms, coming on command and orgasm denial. This is by no means an exhaustive list so if you use some other form of orgasm control that you would like to share with others, please leave a note in the comments or get in touch to write a post about it.

Forced Orgasms

Forced orgasms is often used as a type of play in itself. The idea is to stimulate the sub to the point of orgasm. There is often a period of denial as they are teased and then there comes a choice: you will be allowed to orgasm, but it will not stop. Your orgasms will be taken from you thereafter. The process can be used alongside other play and stimulation or can be used as the central focus for play. Bondage and sensory play also work well.

Having agreed that they want to come, the sub will be allowed to orgasm. The stimulation does not end there though. The Dom will continue to stimulate the sub in the way they have done. A wand can be effective for this. It may be that the stimulation is reduced slightly in order to allow some recovery but it will then be increased back up as the sub’s body begins to respond. In this way, the top will read the bottom through their reactions and responses and keep the pleasure coming.

Forced orgasms work in that the sub loses complete control of their body. It is responding to the physical pleasure and there is no longer the space for cognition that there would usually be. The orgasms will be taken one after another to the point where the Dom decides there the play will end. The process can take over an hour and can produce countless orgasms in the process. Often the sub will be pushed into subspace from this experience.

Coming on Command

This sort of orgasm control will likely require more training and build up to it that forced orgasms. Usually it works from muscle memory and the D type can use it to make the s type orgasm whenever they want. Coming on command is not the same as the Dom reading when the sub is about to come and giving them permission, although that would be a good starting point for training. With coming on command, the sub can be made to orgasm, any time, any place, anywhere, just from receiving the command.

The command will be something agreed upon by the couple. It can be a word or phrase or a particular action. In order to reach this point, the command has to be associated with orgasm for the submissive. It works on the principle that the body will remember how it reacts when it hears or receives that particular signal, so while the initial training may have been bedroom based, there is no reason why the orgasm can’t take place out in town, at the supermarket or while socialising.

Orgasm Denial

Again, there is a little more to orgasm denial than they name might suggest. It is not just telling someone that they can’t orgasm or denying them the right to orgasm, but isusually accompanied by a significant amount of teasing. Sometimes the sub will be brought to orgasms and edged for a long time, never actually being allowed release. There will likely be refernces to their state of arousal during the day, and they will be allowed to touch their partner and bring them to orgasm, while being denied the same themself.

Orgasm denial works well when it is continued over an extended period of time. What arises is a deep feeling of submission, a very submissive headspace and a real neediness in the submissive. This can be a real positive for both parties. While there can be an initial period of frustration, this tends to pass if the state of denial is continued and the submissive becomes more compliant as they are focussed on thinking about their own state of arousal.

I would add that there are good number of male submissives who practice orgasm control for extended periods and that this moves into consensual chastity which forms a large part of their dynamic. Clearly I have no experience of this but have added some links to the bottom of the post so that you can read more about this.

Side Note

The types of orgasm control I have written about above are about adding another (pleasurable) aspect of play to your dynamic. Some may choose to control orgasms as part of punishment but that is a different topic. I have written about how these types of play can work but it is important to recognise that we are all deferent physically and psychologically and our responses will be different.

Exploring orgasm control as a form of sexual play is like exploring other forms of play – pain play, erotic humiliation, bondage etc. It will work for some and for others it won’t be their thing. Please check the comments to see that HeartsHope had a very different experience. As with any play, if it is not working well and is causing distress you should communicate that with your partner. This is why we have safewords as while we want to explore together, no party should be put in a situation which is damaging for them.

It is also worth adding that not all people orgasm and this is normal. Exploring D/s and BDSM is about finding things which work for you. It isn’t a magic fix all and if there are areas where you struggle then experimenting with those in your play should be done with caution. It is about finding what feels good for both of you and that is why it is so important to keep communicating, openly and honestly, and making sure that opportunities to do this are part of your relationship whether it is bedroom based or a lifestyle thing.


To read more about orgasm control, you might want to check out these posts:

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5 Comments

  1. Interesting points, but I have to disagree with the orgasm denial. It does not evoke deep feelings of submission in everyone who experiences it for a period of time. Some women, myself included, have very negative experiences. I do not feel more submissive, I feel melancholy and weepy. If it continues, my body shuts down and refuses to orgasm at all, and I have to essentially retrain myself to orgasm again. There is no compliance with me, no submissive headspace. It may work for many, primarily cis men, it does not work for everyone that way.

    • Hi HeartsHope. Thank you for that. I meant orgasm denial as a form of play. As with anything it won’t work as play for everyone. Impact play is amazing for some and hurts for others. I will clarify in the post though as I can see that it could be misleading and I didn’t meant to suggest that it would work for everyone that way. Thank you for pointing this out. Missy x

    • Hi HeartsHope. I have added to the post now so if you get the chance to read to see if that makes things clearer I would appreciate it. The posts on SWC, although based on personal experience, should be informative too. If you have a post about your experience that you think would be helpful to other readers which you want me to link then I will happily add that at the end. It is important to me that readers, especially those new to D/s, have a realistic view of what to expect. Thanks, missy x

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