HisLordship

My husband has encouraged me to get the perspective of a dominant as he is new to the lifestyle. I have been a submissive and thrive very happily within the dynamic. After marrying my husband and feeling the void of control and dominance in my life, I brought the lifestyle to his attention. After discussing it in length, he dropped the whole idea all together. Fast forward to approximately 5 years later, he has come to me and said he is interested once again in the lifestyle.

We have been discussing the aspects of the relationship from both perspectives. For me, I have to have consistency and be able to trust him. It has been very difficult and has reached a point multiple times for a duration of 3-5 days where he completely disengages with me, does not give me any tasks or commands, completely ignores my texts and will only answer my calls to tell me he doesn’t have time to talk or he doesn’t have time for “this”.

For me, I feel lost, hurt and abandoned. When I express these feelings to him, he actually stated “I don’t care how you feel or what you think”. When I tell him how ignoring my texts and feelings make me feel abandoned, anxious and panicky not only does he continue to do it, but he does it obviously and blatantly and tells me it’s my fault because all I am doing is telling him what he does wrong or what he is not doing right and he says I am “beating him up”, so I have no choice but to be ignored, anxious and panicked, which makes me feel like I am a sail flapping in the wind with no real direction.

I always end of feeling like I am worthless and a failure. I will then try to pay attention very closely and attempt to figure out what he wants since he is not actually telling me. So, I make sure the household bills are paid, I clean and keep the house tidy, do the laundry and always try to make sure dinner is ready or have a plan for dinner. I ask what he wants to eat and he usually says he doesn’t care and he’s not good at figuring that out. He sometimes will let me know when he will be home but then other times doesn’t communicate this with me. Sometimes I will call or text to get clarification but then I am told that I am trying to control, top from the bottom or I am a pseudo sub.

I will be honest, I need a lot of attention and support and he says things like “do you want me to tell you what to do. I’m not your daddy. You are not a child”. This makes me feel like I have something wrong with me because the answer…well…it’s YES I do want to be told what to do because doing it makes me happy when I know I am doing it because it makes him happy. However, I am always guessing what to do and can’t figure out what actually is taking care of him in a way where he will love me, be attentive to me and proud of me.

I am so confused and feeling lost! When I tell him how I feel I am told that I don’t belong to him, nothing makes me feel loved, and that I am not a submissive and he no longer desires to be my dominant.

This week started out really good. I stayed on task ( the ones I think he wants) worked my full time job, kept the house clean, answered all his text and calls, made sure dinner was ready, cuddled with him on the couch while he watched his shows and performed the bedtime routine. I did this as perfect as I could from Friday through Wednesday. On Wednesday, I approached him and told him that I needed to know what he wanted from me because everything I was doing was not being noticed. He asked me to tell him what would make me feel noticed. I said I need structure. I need to know what he expects of me so I can meet those expectations and I needed to know he loves me. He asked what does that and I explained I need him to check in me through the day to keep me on track and I needed him to make and enforce household rules. I told him that makes me feel secure and safe. The next day he didn’t call or text me.

I explained that I feel loved when I am given gifts and it could be something as simple as pine needles that we picked up off the ground as long as he was thinking of me, a cup of coffee or pretty much anything. He said I wouldn’t want anything that wasn’t expensive and told me he didn’t have the money. When I asked about just bringing me my favorite flavor of latte to my office because I had pleased him and he was proud of me, he responded with I work across town and don’t ever know when you will actually be at your office (he has a very flexible schedule because he works for himself).

Of coarse I am feeling very hurt. He is telling me that I am trying to top from the bottom and I am a pseudo sub. I am so confused. What am I doing wrong?

I will admit after hearing all of these things I do throw temper tantrums and can be quite annoying and disrespectful. This usually just leads to him giving me the silent treatment, more ignoring and telling me to shut up. I’m at a lose and feeling so hopeless.

Any advise for how I can be better would be greatly appreciated.