Maintaining Motivation

One of the most common themes discussed by subs regarding the challenges of a D/s relationship is consistency, or the lack of it in their Doms.  Now, from the point of having a balanced post, I should offer up the concept of a sub being inconsistent in their behaviour, and I am sure this is the case in some relationships. However, the direction of this post is from a Dom’s perspective and that is where we will stay, for consistency!

To have a consistent approach to any task, one would imagine that you firstly want to be engaged in that activity and that you really get something from it.  Now, like most things in life, the beginning is always the most exciting bit. It triggers chemicals in the brain that make it fire up, a honeymoon period of you like.  Of course that doesn’t mean you lose interest completely, you just look at it differently and then the world throws its problems at you and they try to stick and drag you down. 

The Japanese culture is a great example of maintaining consistency when managing a task.  If you are going to take on a task like basket weaving, martial arts, painting or even management, you do the very best you can when you are doing it. It’s a simple but consistent application to a task.  Now that is quite hard to maintain if you are not stacked that way, believe me, I know!  I have a short attention span and if I am engaged in something and get distracted, I can either lose interest in the task, or find the new thing more exciting.  My wife thinks there’s some ADD floating around in there somewhere.  

 Of course we are not all Japanese, and if we were, we may not be into weaving baskets or slapping the mat!  I would argue that consistency is precluded by motivation and on many levels that boils down to the age old question, ‘what’s in it for me?’  That is not being selfish or self-centred, this is about finding your motivation. Why do something that doesn’t make you happy?   If you are not happy being a Dom all the time, that does not mean you are not a Dom, or in fact a bad one.  Are you happy in every element of your day, every day?  I would argue that you are not, and outside of continual medication, nor are most people.  We continually make dynamic decisions at every turn of the clock to meet the needs of those around us and to keep us safe.  Life is challenging and to be man for all seasons 24/7 is not going to happen.  Have I said something wrong there?   Most Doms I have are ordinary people, living ordinary lives.  They put others first and themselves second, nearly always. And there’s rub. If you are second in your priorities, how can you stay self motivated, feel sexy and cast the day’s issues aside to manage your sub the way she needs it?

If you’re looking for an answer here in plain sight, look no further, because is ain’t here!  What you may find is the need to examine which part of your D/s relationship drives you.  A percentage of Doms really get off on non-sexual control, a much larger percentage get off on sexual control.  If sex was withdrawn from our D/s relationship would I be interested, probably not, and in all likelihood neither would missy. Now that is not to say it’s all about physical sex.  For missy, she needs to have her mind stimulated before her body will embrace the physical.  I’m confident that I could get an orgasm from her if I tried, however, this is more about her really buying into the event. 

I suppose having written this far down the page I have realised that motivation is a very personal, yet  a changeable concept.  Motivation and Consistency are good bed fellows when blended into the right mix for everyone in this type of dynamic, and yet sometimes that can be hard to find.  Having focus on opportunities can often be a good place to establish your Dominance. If you have rules set between you, then watching your sub to see if she needs support or on the flip side watching to see if she is not following the rules on purpose. Either way, you have a window of opportunity to engage.

Your sub is a complex person by default, all tied in a neat package that needs a lot care and attention to meet the demands of being submissive. The best thing is, unwrapping such a bundle of joy can be very motivating!



2 thoughts on “Maintaining Motivation

  1. My husband has encouraged me to get the perspective of a dominant as he is new to the lifestyle. I have been a submissive and thrive very happily within the dynamic. After marrying my husband and feeling the void of control and dominance in my life, I brought the lifestyle to his attention. After discussing it in length, he dropped the whole idea all together. Fast forward to approximately 5 years later, he has come to me and said he is interested once again in the lifestyle.

    We have been discussing the aspects of the relationship from both perspectives. For me, I have to have consistency and be able to trust him. It has been very difficult and has reached a point multiple times for a duration of 3-5 days where he completely disengages with me, does not give me any tasks or commands, completely ignores my texts and will only answer my calls to tell me he doesn’t have time to talk or he doesn’t have time for “this”.

    For me, I feel lost, hurt and abandoned. When I express these feelings to him, he actually stated “I don’t care how you feel or what you think”. When I tell him how ignoring my texts and feelings make me feel abandoned, anxious and panicky not only does he continue to do it, but he does it obviously and blatantly and tells me it’s my fault because all I am doing is telling him what he does wrong or what he is not doing right and he says I am “beating him up”, so I have no choice but to be ignored, anxious and panicked, which makes me feel like I am a sail flapping in the wind with no real direction.

    I always end of feeling like I am worthless and a failure. I will then try to pay attention very closely and attempt to figure out what he wants since he is not actually telling me. So, I make sure the household bills are paid, I clean and keep the house tidy, do the laundry and always try to make sure dinner is ready or have a plan for dinner. I ask what he wants to eat and he usually says he doesn’t care and he’s not good at figuring that out. He sometimes will let me know when he will be home but then other times doesn’t communicate this with me. Sometimes I will call or text to get clarification but then I am told that I am trying to control, top from the bottom or I am a pseudo sub.

    I will be honest, I need a lot of attention and support and he says things like “do you want me to tell you what to do. I’m not your daddy. You are not a child”. This makes me feel like I have something wrong with me because the answer…well…it’s YES I do want to be told what to do because doing it makes me happy when I know I am doing it because it makes him happy. However, I am always guessing what to do and can’t figure out what actually is taking care of him in a way where he will love me, be attentive to me and proud of me.

    I am so confused and feeling lost! When I tell him how I feel I am told that I don’t belong to him, nothing makes me feel loved, and that I am not a submissive and he no longer desires to be my dominant.

    This week started out really good. I stayed on task ( the ones I think he wants) worked my full time job, kept the house clean, answered all his text and calls, made sure dinner was ready, cuddled with him on the couch while he watched his shows and performed the bedtime routine. I did this as perfect as I could from Friday through Wednesday. On Wednesday, I approached him and told him that I needed to know what he wanted from me because everything I was doing was not being noticed. He asked me to tell him what would make me feel noticed. I said I need structure. I need to know what he expects of me so I can meet those expectations and I needed to know he loves me. He asked what does that and I explained I need him to check in me through the day to keep me on track and I needed him to make and enforce household rules. I told him that makes me feel secure and safe. The next day he didn’t call or text me.

    I explained that I feel loved when I am given gifts and it could be something as simple as pine needles that we picked up off the ground as long as he was thinking of me, a cup of coffee or pretty much anything. He said I wouldn’t want anything that wasn’t expensive and told me he didn’t have the money. When I asked about just bringing me my favorite flavor of latte to my office because I had pleased him and he was proud of me, he responded with I work across town and don’t ever know when you will actually be at your office (he has a very flexible schedule because he works for himself).

    Of coarse I am feeling very hurt. He is telling me that I am trying to top from the bottom and I am a pseudo sub. I am so confused. What am I doing wrong?

    I will admit after hearing all of these things I do throw temper tantrums and can be quite annoying and disrespectful. This usually just leads to him giving me the silent treatment, more ignoring and telling me to shut up. I’m at a lose and feeling so hopeless.

    Any advise for how I can be better would be greatly appreciated.

    1. It is always difficult to answer a question without setting ones self up as an ‘expert’ in this dynamic. I therefore take out insurance by discussing it with my sub for her initial reaction, which is usually accurate. What I say to you will be direct as I do not believe skirting around issues is helpful in the long run.
      Firstly, it would help both of you if you document your agreed behaviours; Rules of engagement if you will. You obviously have expectations of him, and one would assume he has them of you, or you would hope. If it’s written down you can refer to it later to measure how you’re doing.
      A massive part of a D/s relationship is about always putting the other person first, or trying to. You will have to work out what that means to both. One option is for the two of you to spend time planning your relationship going forward. What does it look and feel like?
      There are two things to consider here, one being that your husband is just trying to please you, isn’t really into being a dominant and finds the whole thing just irritating to manage. Or, you have misaligned expectations. Either way, an open and honest conversation is required. Just accept now that you may not always like what you hear.
      I hope that is of some help.

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