Limits – when a NO becomes a YES

Limits – when a NO becomes a YES

limits - speed limit signs from 60 to 50Limits!  I tend to think there is always a little bit of pressure placed on D/s couples to do what other people do.  I’m not suggesting that other couples apply the pressure, I think it is very much home-grown. ‘We don’t do what they do so are we really D/s?’ or ‘We have to be seen to be to doing this stuff, or at least tell people we do!’  Now that might sound a little bit familiar, it certainly resonates with me from our early days.

If you don’t know it yet, one size does not fit all in D/s.  It is personal and trying to fit a square peg in a round hole will end in a lot of pain!  So to that end this post is about our short journey from what was a NO in terms of play at the beginning to a YES, or a maybe later!

If I could produce our ‘kink list of compatibility’ that we completed years ago it probably would not look that much different to today.  For a start, we were a into kinky sex anyway and had been seeing each other for few years. There really wasn’t going to be that many surprises considering we knew what we each liked and didn’t like so much.  One thing that remains to this day on the list of no-way-Jose is SCAT. There is only one place for that and it has a flush attached!

To be clear, we enjoy most kinky play. If it’s different, we enjoy it, or at least have tried it.  There were a number of things, however, that were a NO at the start which have softened somewhat.

Blood Play (Needles and Knives)

This was a no for me, but no so much missy. I couldn’t imagine doing something that would draw a drop of blood and have any pleasure. I’m not shy of needles or blood as I have shed some of my own over the years and patched up various people. I just didn’t get it as a Kink. That, however, has changed quite recently and I am more surprised than anyone.  We were fortunate enough to be invited to watch another couple during their needle play scene at a recent event. It was truly fascinating and held my interest to such an extent that I ordered a starter kit from MedFet. After watching a number of instructional videos on-line we gave it a shot, literally!  It gave us both a buzz to do it, albeit just 4 needles to start with, but hey, small steps!  From a NO to a YES!

Playing In Public

To be fair this was more of a ‘don’t know’ instead of an outright NO!  We were not experienced enough at the time and had not ventured out of the bedroom let alone to a club!  I would say that missy and I are pretty much aligned as to what kind of atmosphere and type of venue we would prefer to play publicly.  To date we have had two opportunities to play with other people around and in both venues we were not blown away.  The first event was at Torture Garden in Edinburgh as I think we agreed that I would spank missy because we had the chance too. There was no burning desire to do so and I know neither of us got much from it.  Our second experience was not much better as the club we attended had all the equipment and other people involved, however, it was very open with people sitting around drinking and watching.  It didn’t feel right, and despite arriving ‘all tooled up’ it didn’t happen. Now that has not put us off, in fact it has made us much more focussed on what would work for us. Smaller group, preferably friends and where our type of play, which is very sexual,  can be conducted in comfortable surroundings. From a NO to YES (with conditions)

Playing With Others

I touched on preferring friends to strangers when playing publicly in the last paragraph, however, playing with others is slightly different.  We are a monogamous couple and probably don’t have room for a third person in our busy life anyway!  We have kids leaving home on a regular basis so taking in a another mouth to feed is counter productive…
I do have a fantasy of missy playing with other people, be that a man or woman. That is not to say that missy has the same one, or for matter understands mine!  Let me be clear that this is not some schoolboy sexual kick of lesbian interaction. Okay, maybe a little, but hear me out.  I get a kick out of missy enjoying sexual play with me. There are times when I wished I had more hands, or Chimpanzee feet, either way I would at times like to watch missy at play.  This was a definite NO when we started out from missy, however, as time has progressed and we have met more open-minded people missy has relaxed to the idea, in certain, yet to be fully discussed, right circumstances type of scenario.
The main point here is not a mad drive to tick a box. It is open discussion where, for example we look at a situation of her having sex with another man, is taken to another level and pulled apart.  It may be that being naked in front of others, which is another area we both want to explore through CM/nf, is sufficient to meet my desires. From a NO to a Maybe

Posting Pictures On-line – Outdoor Photography & More!

The very thought of posting anything on-line would have sent a cold shiver down missy’s back for many reasons, however, her attitude to this has changed over the years.  The use of the camera has become an integral part of our D/s and continues to do so.  This has been a complete sideline of growth for us both in terms of adjusting missy’s body image issues to looking beyond the obvious when it comes down to what feeling sexy is all about. Being naked has never been an issue for as long as I have known her in a privately controlled environment, and yet adding semi-public to a controlled situation does bring something out in both of us.  There are risks, without doubt, to displaying images of one’s self in compromising positions has not been taken lightly and on occasion we have had to re-edit some older material having become overly confident!  From a No to a Yes  

Finally, we have general play and scenes. I suppose many of these were never a No outright, maybe more of a, ‘say that again real slow for me!’  Becoming more adventurous regarding heavier impact toys, anal toys, canes and whips seems to have been natural progression.  In this area I would say, From a Yes to a Yes, Yes, Yes….

It is only when you create a relationship where one person can float a wild idea that you have the opportunity to tease it apart and find something that you both get off on. We all carry baggage of some sorts and being mindful of that is key, however, it should not smother your changing desires.  Whatever path you chose to go down has got to work for both of you and accept that your kink of today is not necessarily that of your partner’s tomorrow!


If you want to read more about our journey with posting pictures, you may want to check out Shifting Limits – a picture of submission by missy.

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