One of the key success factors of any relationship is effective
communication. I know for sure over the years that my sub (Missy) has
internally asked herself, how do I get my Dom to listen? And I am sure she is
not alone as a lot of relationships have moved from a traditional one with poor
communication, to a D/s version that offers something better!
Setting aside for a moment any anecdotes referencing the reason for having
two ears and one mouth, which is not very helpful other than stating the
obvious for most people, I want to look the use of time and space. We all live
busy lives one way or another. We fill our day with routine and demands for the
majority, and occasionally we find or create space to enjoy things at a
different pace, unless of course your hobby is motor racing or sky diving in
which case your clock is wound differently to mere mortals. Either way, a space
has been created to focus on something specific and to be fair we do this every
day whether it’s showering, watching a movie or walking the dog; We create
space by allocating protected time to enjoy the event.
One thing I have noticed, and so has my sub, is that we are stacked
completely differently in the way our brains work. My head is pretty silent
most of the time and if I am working on something, then that is what I am
doing. I am focussed on that task, and that task alone. One side effect of my
highly possible ADD is that my attention span is short. The chemical that
ignites to perform a task burns off fast, depending on the task of course. The
more stimulating, the slower the burn, and vis versa. Missy on the other hand
has a brain like an old fashioned airport information ticker board. Always up
dating with new information and doing it in tandem with other lines of data and
other boards, and it rarely stops. So how can we find alignment to communicate
effectively? The answer has of course already been given; Time and Space.
Quite recently Missy was looking at clothing on-line sitting next to me.
“What do you think of that?” She said.
I was focussed on my ipad and looked over and gave my initial reaction.
“Oh, they look nice”
“What do you think of the green one? She then asked.
“Yes, that’s nice too.”
Missy went back to her shopping really none the wiser as to what robe she
was going to buy for me. The problem here is that I didn’t know she was
going to buy the item. You see the issue I am sure, however, this
is a minor example and there are many more where Missy has spoken to me or
asked a question hoping for a conversation and not just a quick fix answer. So,
how do we improve on this?
Having explained the lack of internal moving parts in my head, of which
Missy was fully aware I am sure, I suggested something that will work for me,
and if tweaked may work for you too. I have asked Missy to pitch her questions
in a different way that gives her the time she requires to communicate
effectively and for me to be an active listener. For example;
“Do you have time to look at this for me please, I need your
“Can we set some time aside to discuss xxxx please as I think it’s
For me that highlights that my sub needs me and my time to work on something
that will benefit the two of us. Of course, this method of positioning yourself
to get the desire response works for a Dom as well.
“Can you let me know when you have 20 minutes free today so we can talk
“I would like to talk to you after dinner tonight about xxxx, can you
be free for an hour?”
The approach is polite, to the point and allows the other person to manage
their time to meet the needs of their partner. I am sure you as much as I are
aware of the constant distractions around us and the general noise of the world
as electronic communication no longer demands just a ear for a phone call.
Today we are faced with media continually force feeding us material we do not
need to know to survive in life. Making room to communicate face to face is
more important now than ever, so if you want to know how to get your Dom to
listen either create a space or, failing that, bend over naked in front of the
TV and ask if there’s anything interesting on!
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