Book group book no. 1 – 'Created for Connection'

This topic contains 31 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Anonymous 12 months ago.

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  • #2777


    Created for Connection: The “Hold Me Tight” Guide for Christian Couples

    by Sue Johnson  (Author),‎ Kenneth Sanderfer (Author)

    (BTW, ‘Hold me tight’ by Sue Johnson is a book on EFT that isn’t written specifically for Christian couples: )

    The timeline (chats are held in the library once a fortnight but feel free to discuss here in the forum anytime you like):

    Welcome chat

    • Introductory chat re feedback/comments/questions re how the book club is set up

    Chat 1 – 17 Dec 2017

    • Introduction by Sue Johnson
    • Introduction by Kenny Sanderfer
    • Love – a revolutionary new view
    • Where did our love go? Losing connection
    • Emotional responsiveness – the key to a lifetime of love

    Chat 2

    • Conversation 1: recognising the demon dialogues
    • Conversation 2: finding the raw spots
    • Conversation 3: revisiting a rocky moment

    Chat 3

    • Conversation 4: Hold me tight – engaging and connecting
    • Conversation 5: forgiving injuries
    • Conversation 6: bonding through SEX (<- omg this!) and touch

    Chat 4

    • Conversation 7: Keeping the love alive
    • Our bond with God
    • Ultimate connection – love as the final frontier

    Questions that might be fun to think about & discuss (please feel free to suggest any other questions that would be interesting to discuss) 

    • What are your thoughts about the chapters?
    • What connections do you see to D/s in this book?
    • What steps/action are you hoping to take to improve your way of relating to your partner as a Dom/sub?
    • Have you tried the recommendations Dr Johnson offers in the past? How did they work out?
    • Favourite quotes or keywords to help motivate you/empower you etc?
    • How do you identify with the struggles described in the chapter
    • Do you anticipate such struggles in your future? Why do you feel like you are at risk of them?
    • This topic was modified 1 year ago by  Missy.
  • #2984


    The book in general

    • This reply was modified 48 years, 12 months ago by .
    • #2986


      I’ve been making written summaries of this book for Daddy (and for myself).

      • Because Daddy doesn’t read and he doesn’t tolerate me reading to him very well. It lasts like maybe a minute because things get too erm <fill in the blank> to continue reading.
        I can’t hold the ideas in my head long enough to remember them. So creating summaries help me get my head around each chapter and the ideas presented better.

      Here is the link if you/your Dom are interested in summaries:


      • This reply was modified 48 years, 12 months ago by .
  • #2989


    Introduction letters

    • This reply was modified 48 years, 12 months ago by .
    • #2990


      Q&A – introduction letters

      • This reply was modified 48 years, 12 months ago by .
      • #2991


        We usually see how the Dom provides emotional comfort to his sub.

        Qn for the Doms

        • how do you depend on your sub for emotional comfort/soothing, nurturing and protection?

        Qns for the subs

        • how do you provide emotional comfort/soothing, nurturing and protection to your Doms?
        • Do they turn to you for it?
    • #2992


      Thoughts/comments – introduction letters

      • This reply was modified 48 years, 12 months ago by .
      • #2995


        Unconditional submission & dominance

        • For me, D/s is all about a dymanic that has emotional attachment at its core. In the D/s dynamic, both Dom and sub practice being emotionally available to each other.
        • The sub will bring her concerns/hurts/thoughts to her Dom and be able to trust that her Dom will respond to them as best he can. She trusts that emotional comfort will be provided albeit at a time and in a way that she might not prefer. She trusts that her Dom will use the methods that he deems fit to help her grow as a person and in her sense of feeling safe in the world.
        • From my perspective, the willingness of the sub to endure the consequenecs of the Dom’s mistakes in being a Dom, and the offering of her unconditional submission to her Dom despite knowing full well that he will make mistakes and she (and he) will have to suffer because of them, creates a space/environment in which the Dom is more free to be emotionally available, responsive and engaged with his sub. He is more willing to take risks in trying to be there for her, to enter the darkness with her, to take action that (to the best of his knowledge) will benefit her.
        • The unconditional submission that the sub offers her Dom also allows him to dare to turn to her for emotional comfort and soothing. In the sub saying “I am willing to suffer for you, to suffer and endure the consequences of your mistakes, and to submit to you unconditionally despite it all.”, she expresses her acceptance of his faults and as the broken human being that he is. She is willing to go into the darkness with him, and to be the blind led by the blind, even to the point of suffering because of his weakness (or just for his pleasure).
        • Similarly, in the Dom not withdrawing his dominance when the sub makes mistakes or is hurting, he proves that he accepts her brokenness and is willing to go into her darkness with her. He is willing to suffer the stabs to his heart when he sees her suffer. He is willing to get close to her heart that is pierced with thorns and closer still to pull out a thorn, and in the process being pierced/cut himself. The unconditional dominance he offers shrinks her fear that no amount of emotional/mental distress or pain or torment will take her Dom from her. She can take the risk to be fully vulnerable with him, to bring her hurting and broken heart to him, not for him to repair, but for him to lovingly carass. To sit with her suffering and say, despite all this, I will be your Dom forever.


        • The DD/lg dynamic that Daddy and I share highlights in a more obvious way that i am “emotionally attached to & dependent on [Daddy] in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing & protection”. Enough said ?
  • #2996


    ‘Love; a revolutionary new view’

    • This reply was modified 48 years, 12 months ago by .
    • #2997


      Q&A – Love; a revolutionary new view

      • #3000


        Dr Sue Johnsons says in this chapter:

        There are only a few simple strategies that we use to connect and deal with perceived disconnection.

        1. When we feel safe enough, we can risk reaching for a loved one and asking for our needs to be met

        2. When we feel unsafe, we resort to demanding and controlling

        3. If we truly expect rejection and desertion, we try to turn away and shut down our needs for connection.


        • Do you relate to Dr Johnson’s proposed “simple strategies that we use to connect and deal with perceived disconnection”?
        • How has it played out in your dynamic?
        • #3001


          When we feel safe enough, we can risk reaching for a loved one and asking for our needs to be metThis is me now (most of the time)

          • It feels nice to be able to be fully vulnerable and to trust that Daddy will do his best to take care of me (even if I don’t prefer the ways he does it)

          When we feel unsafe, we resort to demanding and controlling

          • I think I lived in this phase for many years. Especially in the initial few years we lived D/s. I didn’t trust Daddy to take care of me as a Dom, I felt like our D/s was a one way street. So I demanded more in our D/s and for our D/s to be done a certain way. It wasn’t a very pleasant time and Daddy and I both got hurt.

          If we truly expect rejection and desertion, we try to turn away and shut down our needs for connection.

          • Unfortunately, I have experienced this phase too. When he says I can’t take the physical pain or I act out and Daddy responds by saying that I’m not trying enough to be submissive, I feel rejected and deserted because I really am doing the best I can with what I have in the moment. So I turn away from Daddy and shut down my needs to connect with him emotionally and try to sort shit out myself. I find it quite painful to go through this.
    • #3002


      Thoughts – Love; a revolutionary new view

      • #3003


        Quotes I love


        Celtic saying: “We live in the shelter of each other.”


        Mozart: “Love guards the heart from the abyss.”


        Sue Johnson: “Love is not the icing on the cake of life. It is a basic primary need, like oxygen.”


        Sue Johnson:

        “The Hebraic word for love in the Bible, ialeph,ayin, is silent.

        It is actually just a sound – the sound of inhaling and exhaling… This kind of love is one in which we are so close to our beloved that we breahe in the breath of the other.

        This closeness is described as panim el panim, which literally means face-to-face.”

  • #3004


    ‘Where did our love go? Losing connection’

    • This reply was modified 48 years, 12 months ago by .
    • #3005


      Q&A – Where did our love go? Losing connection

      • #3009


        Sue Johnson wrote

        Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other

        1. Can I count on you, depend on you?

        2. Are you there for me?

        3. Will you respond to me when I need, when I call?

        4. Do I matter to you?

        5. Am I valued and accepted by you?

        6. Do you need me, rely on me?


        • Underneath all the distress, which questions bugs you the most?
        • How is the question answered by your Dom/sub?
        • #3011


          The question I usually an insecure about and ask a lot is “Do you need me, rely on me?”

          • So often Daddy seems to be the one taking care of me. The caregiving seems to me to be a one-way street in our relationship. I am usually the one in distress/having a crisis. Daddy is usually the one soothing me in times of distress.
          • I have discussed this insecurity with Daddy in recent times. Apparently, prevention is better than cure? Daddy says that he credits me with changing my behaviour so that we have less fights/arguments, I am less hostile to him. And so, he doesn’t have much reason to be distressed nowadays (as compared to in the past).
          • Also, I am aware that Daddy’s frustration with traffic/other stressful things in life are sort of distressing to him. While my natural response to this is to try to comfort him by talking to him or physically touching him (non-sexually), this always makes him more on edge. Instead, he tells me that in times like this, he would like me to submit and just speak when spoken to, and not touch him without permission. I still struggle to do this because it’s so counterintuitive to me to be able to support someone in this way. But it is what helps the most so I want to keep trying to do it.
      • #3012


        Sue Johnson wrote

        Losing connection with out loved one jeopardizes our sense of security. The alarm goes off in the fear center of the brain (the amygdala) and triggers an automatic response; we don’t think; we feel, we act.

        For those of us with weaker or fraying bonds, the fear can be overwhelming.

        Once this primal panic kicks in, we generally do one of two things

        1. we become demanding and clingy in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner.“Notice me. Be with me. I need you.”
        2. we withdraw and detach in an attempt to sooth and protect outselves.“I won’t let you hurt me. I will chill out, try to stay in control.”

        These strategies for coping with fear sets up vicious spirals of insecurity that push couples further and further apart.


        • Do you ever go/have you ever gone into primal panic?
        • How does this play out in your dynamic?
        • This reply was modified 48 years, 12 months ago by .
    • #3014


      Thoughts – Where did our love go? Losing connection

  • #3015


    ‘Emotional responsiveness; the key to a lifetime of love’

    • This reply was modified 48 years, 12 months ago by .
    • #3016


      Q&A – Emotional responsiveness; the key to a lifetime of love

      • #3018


        3 main components of emotional responsiveness = A.R.E.

        • Accessibility: can I reach you?
        • Responsiveness: can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?
        • Engagement: do I know you will value me and stay close?


        • #3019


          Is there a correlation between the level of emotional responsiveness/attachment/connection in your relationship and the state of your D/s?

          • #3021


            In recent times, I am very happy that Daddy and I are able to live A.R.E. pretty consistently.

            However, in the past, for many years, we weren’t able to. I think it took a lot of failing and then getting up and trying again to get to where we are now.

            As we grew more emotionally responsive to each other, our D/s also grew in its intensity. I think that emotional attachment is a precursor for some of the D/s practices and increased control/more intense power exchange. Because I have developed a strong attachment to Daddy, and I know that he will respond to me emotionally, I am willing to endure all unpleasant things in our D/s for his pleasure. I will do anything and am willing to endure anything for someone who genuinely cares about me.

        • #3020


          How does your D/s affect the emotional responsiveness in your relationship?

      • #3023


        Sue Johnson wrote

        Emotion comes from the Latin word emovere, to move. We talk about being “moved by our emotions, and we are “moved” when those we love show their deeper feelings to us…

        I saw that when more withdrawn partners were able to confess their fears of loss and isolation, they could then talk about their longings for caring and connection. This revelation “moved” their blaming partners into responding more tenderly, and sharing their own needs and fears.

        It was as if both people suddenly stood face-to-face, naked but strong, and reached for each other.


        • What moves you and your Dom/sub closer to each other?
          • Is it the sharing of distressing emotions?
          • And/or something else?
        • #3024


          Once Daddy and I start sharing our feeling hurt/sad/scared, we can’t help by respond to the other with love and compassion. How can we turn away from our beloved who is hurting?

      • #3025


        Name 2 very concrete and specific things that  a safe, accessible responsive, and engaged lover in a relationship with you would do on a typical day and how those things would make you feel at that moment.

        • #3026


          Daddy would cuddle me, carass me and whisper affirmations that I am precious to him, I am so loved by him, and that he is proud of me.

          • My heart melts and swoons and swells and expands. I feel so safe and secure and protected. “Kill me now so I can die happy” is what I would think.

          When I am distressed (which happens nearly on a daily basis), Daddy would get stern and firmly command me to sit up straight and breathe. Then when I’m breathing as my clin psych instructed, he would praise me with words like “good girl” or “that’s better”. Then he would challenge my toxic tapes and remind me of true things eg. that he loves me. eg. that I am his possession and I have no right to pass judgement on myself.

          • I am more centered and grounded. In the midst of the distress I can just focus on Daddy’s command to breathe. I focus on the sensation of the breath entering and leaving my body (usually around my nostrils). And when he praises me, I feel proud for having achieved something, however small it seems. And my distress shrinks a little.
    • #3017


      Thoughts – Emotional responsiveness; the key to a lifetime of love

      • #3022


        The quote I love

        Pearl S. Buck: “[A person’s] heart withers if it does not answer another heart.”

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