Who in your vanilla life knows about your D/s and what was their reaction?

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    • #985

      Please leave your replies to the above question.

    • #991

      No one knows. Except maybe the kids.   We haven’t told them but they are all over the age of 16 and not stupid. I don’t hide that I am asking him before committing to things (more than i used to) and they have seen major changes in our relationship. I will kneel between his legs and sit on the floor next to his chair. They’ve also seen the toys, the flogger and have watched 50 shades so I think they may have an inkling as to what is happening.

    • #1012

      To date, I haven’t really told that many people from my vanilla life about our D/s relationship. In terms of friends, I have told three; their reaction was one of interest initially and they asked lots of questions about what and how etc. Since then, it has not really been mentioned.  The same is true of my sisters, who I told some time ago.  They were both surprised and again asked lots of questions, but once they had satisfied their curiosity, it just became something they accepted was what we did.

      It was a little more stressful when my daughter confronted me on the way to work one morning and told me, “I know what your necklace means!” – it is a silver day collar with a small shackled heart on it. She told me that she’d read ‘The Story of O’ and knew what the circle meant symbolically. She was 16 at the time and is 18 now. We have talked quite openly about it since and it has actually helped us to have very open discussions about other areas of sex and relationships. Our boys are much less perceptive, but I think that my younger daughter, now 16, may not be far behind at putting two and two together.

    • #1013

      On my side of the marriage, no one knows. Not my family or friends. My wife has only told her best friends who live out of the country. Again no family.  We are kind of new to everything (7 months) so we do not feel comfortable telling anyone else. Add to that such things would not go over well at my job so we are keeping it low key for the foreseeable future.

    • #1014

      When missy posted this topic, I was racking my brains trying to remember who knew back then. Up until 2006 when I started blogging under my real name, D/s wasn’t something my wife and I discussed with anybody. Then as more and more people started following my blog, spanking and submission became a regular topic online in between the poetry and fiction posts. In real life, I think… we had a discussion with my mother about D/s, and once went poly for two years, we met people in person who knew about us. We don’t have a D/s marriage any longer, but with my fiction being published, and me starting to blog a year ago again, I am sure the topic will come up again.

    • #1015

      As far as I am aware, D/s is unknown to anyone in my vanilla life.  There may be one, or two people know that Missy and I have alternative sex life, at least I think they might know.  My reason for not sharing this type of information is trust. I have a very limited number of close friends and of that number I do not think any of them would be interested in our life secrets.  In addition to this there will always be a trust issue when sharing such personal information.  I do not believe that my close friends would use our lifestyle as conversation over dinner to name and shame, however, there is always their partners, with whom I don’t have that same level relationship.  For now it will stay with us, Missy’s sisters and of course, our curious eldest daughter!

    • #1016

      When we started D/s the first 6 months no one knew about our private lifestyle. But I wear my cuffs 24/7 always, our son,dil and granddaughter moved in for 8 months with us. So during lunch with my son I told him and my sons reply was “Mom I don’t want to know” Lol. But my son is open minded and is very dominant as his father. Than I told my sister and she  flipped out and the thing was she  loved my Sir/husband until that moment. To her BDSM was taboo and I was brainwashed. I explained to her that I asked for this lifestyle and that she should not believe what society brainwashes her to believe. That if she wanted to know the truth just ask me. I also told her vanilla life isn’t so great look at herself with her husband and the rocky roads they have, struggling each other for power in everything that they do. We are 4 years in and everyone on each side of our family knows what we do, I don’t care who accepts it or who doesn’t, as long as Sir and I are happy that is all that matters. I am who I am and I don’t change my stripes for anyone else because I have to belong. I always say don’t judge a book by it’s cover, read it before you judge it, don’t judge me by how I look or what you see different on the outside, but judge me for my personality and  values that are on the inside of me and how  I respect and treat others. That is what counts!




    • #1042

      Very interesting and diverse responses so far. This is a question I’ve been mulling over for some time now. I know my mom would accept us for it, but she loves to run her mouth when the wine flows. I feel I wouldn’t trust her alone on Facebook haha.
      One of my closest friends I’ve known since sophomore year of high school is well aware. He is probably kinkier than both of us, but just lacks the adventurous side to seek our a partner to practice his ways. Still he has watched our interactions to try to learn from it for the future. I feel having a single friend outside knowing is enough to bounce ideas off of on a mild weekend day. Anything beyond is too many people knowing, especially in the very public realm Kit and I are intending to be a part of.

      • This reply was modified 50 years, 10 months ago by .
    • #1112
      Beth [MM]

      We told our doctor, who is a really nice guy; and my therapist. They are both cool with it, they see we are happy. If the authorities ever get involved and won’t take my word for it maybe they will listen to these two professionals.

    • #2808
      Sweet (MrH)

      I’ve told one of my close friends, she reacted in an interested and intelligent way, asking questions and I told her of some of the resources I had found.  I wouldn’t tell my family as they can’t hold their own water never mind something so private and they are an opinionated judgmental lot.  To be honest I don’t really have a close relationship with them anyway.  MrH is similar to HL, he has very few close friends and wouldn’t share something so personal with them anyway.



    • #4788

      I would say our adult children to some extent as they see messages on the white board we leave each other. In our 24/7 D/s+ relationship my sub is known as Squaw Cunt (SC) and I am Chief as the term husband is no longer allowed to be used. So the messages are always addressed to SC or Chief. They don’t say much at all but they always seem to stop at the white board to read the new messages. SC’s doctor knows and our therapist does as well.

    • #6014

      No one ‘officially’ knows, but I think that our eldest son and his wife have their suspicions. They are currently living with us as they are preparing to buy their first home. My daughter-in-love made a comment about a recent schedule that My Sir and I created for me. Every Wednesday night it is marked as D/s time. I made light of it by saying that I had just forgotten to capitalize my initial (My Sir’s first name begins with a D and my first name begins with an S…meant to be or what?). Another give away is our, ever increasing, use of our ‘D/s’ names. He is Sir and I am Miss. Our 16 y/o daughter also lives at home, so they all kind of look at us sideways when we say “Sir and Miss”. So far they haven’t freaked out at the subtle changes in our relationship dynamic. Someday, I would love to shout it from the rooftop that I am a submissive, but I’m not quite ready for that…yet.

    • #6096

      My wife and I told our closest friends who are another married couple. The wife was rather reserved and didn’t say much but the husband was just crazy excited and jealous because he wants that sort of relationship and his wife isn’t open to it.

    • #6227
      Queen’s Hubby

      So far no one on my side of life knows. My Queen told one of her friends as she sought out advice and her therapist also knows. We’d both love for all to know, but our job (which is interwoven with so many of our friendships) cause the need to keep this private. It’ll stay that way for the foreseeable future. So far only one child is old enough to maybe pick up on things, but at most he’d only suspect some kinkiness in the bedroom.

    • #6329

      As we in a very new relationship (The D/s aspect was rapidly introduced though at first only tentatively addressed by me) no-one else knows and unlikely to. I think many strictly vanilla people fall into the same category I was in before embarking into D/s over a decade ago. My ‘education’ was I suppose coloured by what I read in the tabloids and occasionally heard on the TV news. ‘Doms are pathological narcissists who love beating up vulnerable women and submissives are witless terrified women who have been abused all their lives and know no better’…or so the story went..

      Of course I learned differently and felt quiet ashamed I’d had the same views I had had. There used to be a forum called Informed Consent which disappeared and to this day I have no idea why, but that was always quiet lively with discussions about all aspects. And I have discussed D/s in the past with others in an abstract way, though I think I dropped enough hints to suggest I was more than curious! My girl has, she tells me never before met a man in any relationship/ intimate setting who actually asked how she felt or wanted..Much to my astonishment and shame of the male species. But in a way, it is of course my gain. The past is prologue…

      • This reply was modified 50 years, 10 months ago by .
    • #6680

      I told my two best girlfriends and their reaction was just as I expected. They were supportive and curious, although I don’t think they understood it. They were very interested in seeing the photos of our rope work. As long as I am happy and healthy, then they don’t really care what I do.

      I haven’t told my sisters yet, and that has been a little hard for me. I am really close to the youngest and usually tell her everything. She’s not in the most positive mindset right now, and I feel that telling her might make her sad about her own relationships, both past and current. It has almost placed a burden on our own relationship because I’m holding back from her. I have so much that I want to tell her, but I can’t just yet. Maybe I just need to get on with it and tell her?

    • #6681

      It has almost placed a burden on our own relationship because I’m holding back from her. I have so much that I want to tell her, but I can’t just yet. Maybe I just need to get on with it and tell her?

      Bold: Why? How will it affect your relationship if she doesn’t know? And can you be sure it will be received in a positive way if she does? Obviously you know your sister, but something is stopping you telling her because you’re unsure to her reaction, otherwise you’d have told her by now.

      I have two younger brothers and I wouldn’t dream of telling them about my alternative life with D/s, though I think one suspects it but has never said anything. Your choice is simple, tell her or don’t. But just as the maxim goes, ‘Don’t ask the question unless you’re prepared for the answer’ It goes don’t be surprised if she views you in a different way that might not be as you hope. Good luck with whatever you decide.

      • #6682

        The reason I haven’t told her is because she’s not in the best place right now. She struggles with depression and she’s had a hard time staying on the path that she wants to follow in life. I want to tell her, but I’m worried that it will make her sad to hear about all the great things happening in my life. I know that it makes her frustrated to see how well and happy I am when she is having such a hard time. I don’t want to “brag” to her about how great things are going for me.

        Not telling her has out a burden on our relationship because I am not being completely honest with her, and I can’t fully open up to her like I usually can. There are so many wonderful things going on in my life right now that I want to share with her but I can’t because they relate to D/s and BDSM. I can’t tell her about my blog, I can’t tell her how well I’ve been doing in the Smut Marathon, I can’t even tell her about our vacation in April because we are going to a Kink convention. There’s very little else for me to talk about because my life has really been focused on these types of things lately.

        I think she senses that I’m holding back as well. In the past, when we got together, we would talk about almost everything. We’ve always been very open with each other, even talking about our sex lives and other private matters. The flow of our conversations has been off lately, a little strangled.

        We have always had a really strong bond, and I don’t think she would judge me or push me away because of any of this. I just worry that she would see her own life as less when I really want to build her up right now.

        • #6698

          Depression is a toughie to handle  but although everyone is unique, you may find that you could just have a conversation with your sister and she won’t feel bad or left out of what the ‘cool kids’ are doing.  You may even find it’ll give her an opportunity to ask you more; I can only say from my own experience with it in the past, that it’s a lonely hole to inhabit and the mood swings can be quite profound and unexpected, but I found that finding out something new in a conversation could be a welcome break from the hole. You may find she’ll welcome the chat and it not make her feel she’s missing out, as long as it’s matter of fact.

    • #6934

      Everyone.  It is something we are, how we are wired.  It comes out everyday, whether we are working, at home or out and about.  He leads, I follow.

      I have had a few feminist outrage moments in reaction… until they realize I am perfectly content, happy even.  Parents struggle a bit now and then, but they just want me happy as well. Anyone that cares about me, me not their preconceived notions, accepts where I am and who I am.  Anyone that hasn’t, it has turned out that they either had ulterior motives or were so confused about who THEY were that it wasn’t about me or us, but about how they thought we should be.

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