Submissive head space – how do I maintain it?

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    • #48151

      My husband and I are new to D/s. We started a 24/7 dynamic about 7-8 weeks ago, soon after our 20th anniversary and Year’s of only occasionally playing with the idea in bed. And on so many levels, it’s exactly what we both needed to admit we needed years  ago.

      For him, it’s allowed this quiet, passive guy to connect to an inner power, given him more confidence, and has even spilled over into his business dealings (we are both business owners, separate businesses).

      For me, it’s hard to explain. His dominance is intoxicating. It’s allowed me to let go, find a more feminine side, but also get out of my head and destress in powerful ways. I’ve always LOATHED submissiveness, am used to being in charge as an employer, hate cooking and cleaning…But I found myself suddenly wearing dresses, carefully doing my hair and makeup every day, acting demure and excitedly (in more ways than one) kneeling or serving him (also in more ways than one and definitely more ways than I ever enjoyed in the past).

      But then about 5 weeks into it, life got a little messy. Our sweet pup got sick, my husband injured his knee, and I just…I don’t know. I lost touch with this newly submissive side. Now even with the stress having passed, I find myself rolling my eyes, snarky and…not totally disinterested, but not eager at all. I’ve tried reading books/watching movies but it’s only mildly interesting. I’m just not…turned on right now. Like a light switch. I know the electricity could be there, but the switch is firmly in the off position. Unconsciously it’s changed his behaviors too. He’s barely trying to get us back on track, which makes me sad…less about being off track and more because he’s going’s back to his old passive approach to life.

      How common is this on? And how do you manage the on/off switch life provides when you’re already an all or nothing gal? How do I keep myself in the right head space when I’m constantly being distracted by life, business, or being someone’s boss?


    • #48181

      Hello Trouble,

      Thank you for your forum post.  Firstly, please let me assure you this is quite common, and more than a lot of people will admit.

      D/s relationships within a long term relationship are different from those that are based mainly around play and sex.  We have to manage life on a rolling basis, like your husband’s knee and your dog, whilst more infrequent interactions are all freshly showered, fancy underwear and in the mood!  As you well know, marriages are not like that, even in films.

      The one thing that keeps D/s relationships going is the ability to feed off one another’s energy or enthusiasm.  It’s great when you are bouncing off each other as well as the bed, however, when one of you suffers an event that distracts you from that focus, it all becomes a bit difficult.  Where does one start to get things going? What will happen if I put myself out there by making myself look sexy and performing some act that is humiliating to get a reaction, only to discover it falls flat.  Your self esteem gets bashed and he is upset that he let you down, and so it becomes circular.

      The best thing we have found is to hit the brakes with both feet and talk. Reflect on where you were, what caused it to stop and discuss where you want to be. Chances are you will agree on something and that’s your starting point for getting back on track.  If you agree that tonight you will be spanked, which is great for resetting the mindset, then you are both on the same page. Expectations are clear and you have something to look forward to.

      One thing we do, because distractions are frequent, is to have a ‘reset’ system.  Some people, like us, have a spanking session. Some people have their sub on a leash and walk them around the bedroom and others just agree on a kinky act brings them together. The important thing is to recognise openly that the event is a reset and not general play.  During the event you can add some words that emphasises why you are doing it. Maybe you had a disagreement that pulled you out of the dynamic, maybe very bad news or even you have drifted apart due to work commitments.  Use the event to repair the gap and seal the bond you have.

      There is no golden answer to this, however, we have used this method to burn the emotions around an apology for a wrong doing and the joint effort to make it work tends to get us back on our feet.

      Best of luck


    • #48209

      I too have struggled with this. I’d advocate taking time to communicate, clear of distraction. Perhaps a shared journal where you write to one another will help with being open about your own thoughts. Sometimes it can be hard to ask or be open about what you want when you fear an immediate reaction that may not be what you had hoped for.
      I find that being alone helps me think and then I can put my words on paper and then pass them on later.

      I hope this helps a little!

      • This reply was modified 52 years, 6 months ago by .
    • #48456

      Hi trouble, I hear you loud and strong! We are a long time M/s and I have had many years to work through the ups and downs of real life affecting my submission.  We practice a 24/7 dynamic and in r/l we are a married couple with children, grandchildren, a business together of which I am/was (we are retiring) CFO and my own former career.  I could spend days telling you of the challenges from starting out as polar opposites (me a little kinky, He a little vanilla) to getting through illness, arguments, meltdowns and all the rest.  What I can say with certainty is our Dominant submissive dynamic has actually gotten us through it all.

      It may seen like all is lost but for us it never was.  I think the greatest changes happened during the greatest challenges.  Bottom line has always been ‘Do we want this?’ and answer always came back a resounding “YES”!!!! so I collected the tools necessary to keep our intense dynamic alive and growing.

      One thing I had to realize and truly take to heart is that I am a submissive.  I need to BE submissive. I may not get the feeding that makes living submission easy if my Dominant is ‘down’.  He can get sick, distracted by work or other matters, I can be sick or distracted by other matters – so many things can happen to upset the D/s cart.  When they do I learned from experience that we can get through it and set the cart right again.  And the more experiences we have the quicker we can set it right.  As it’s been said journaling is a terrific communication tool.  I began a few years ago and Norseman requires me to journal daily even if it’s just a line or too.  He has access to my innermost thoughts and desires and there is always a line of communication open no matter how non-communicative I am feeling.

      Rituals are so helpful for me to keep my headspace.  Reconnecting as often as possible is essential for us (we try to do it everyday).  As time goes on any D/s couple will have challenges and through those we can get the experience and perhaps the ‘tools’ to maintain the Dominant submissive headspace and create our own environment despite that which surrounds us.  The result for us has been an oasis where our dynamic can thrive.

      I remember the phrase ‘act as if’ and have applied it to my life as a 24/7 submissive.  What happens around me is going to happen but if I ‘act as if’ my submission is who I am despite how I feel at the time I am still in it.  It’s sustainable.  I wish the same for you.

      xoxo  elskling

    • #51909

      We are not too much into rituals and rules as his job is high pressure and when he gets home he does not want any sort of structure like that; he is still  very much a dom.  But 37 years together the whole rules thing just did not work.  I said that to say this, one ritual that organically evolved is that we put our foreheads and noses together and I will say to him, and this was me not him that started this, “I submit to you.”  I do that at least every day.  It means so much more to us than the ‘I love yous’ that can be thrown around.  This carries weight.

      I will tell you the hardest time to say those words are the times when I don’t feel very submissive, I need to apologize for something or have just  been a bit of a pill for whatever reason.  Or I respect his decision on an issue that is a hard one to make and not the choice I would prefer.  Those are the times that by having that ritual in the good times, I show him in the hard times that I am still right there with him, respect him, he is my dom, and no matter what I am not pulling away.  And it is not easy to do on those times but the moment I do we come back to center together and move on.


      As a submissive I need to realize that many times I set the tone and attitude of our day and by telling him I submit to him we start out on a really good footing.

    • #51912

      We are fairly new to the D/s dynamic as well, having last year asked My Sir/hubby to consider a 24/7 D/s relationship, including a focus on health and safety, after 38 years together. We have found though that many little habits we have had over the years lean to a D/s dynamic anyway.

      Last year was the hardest year, especially for My Sir. Your description of your husband and yourself sounds similar to us and made me emotional. Over 8 months last year we fell in and out of the D/s and My Sir found it particularly hard mentally and emotionally, especially his belief that women should not be abused and dominated. Several times I offered him the option of returning to a ‘vanilla’ style relationship, but he was determined to give it a go for me. We are still working through changes in our dynamic but committed to the new relationship now.

      The concepts of a D/s relationship need to be worked through mentally, physically and emotionally. They need to be well communicated and adapted to suit yourselves not what you’ve read.

      We are both teachers so this year we have started a new ritual to help us return to our D/s headspace each day after work. Once My Sir is home he asks me to sit at his feet while we talk about our day, and we both refocus. He can feel me physically relax into my submissive headspace and then as I have become a cuddler for the first time in my life, we cuddle before moving into the evening.

      My Sir, Mr C, wanted me to add, that what helped him to come back on track was the need to give me what I needed. The fact that we talked about it openly, and what was hindering his progress, and that I sat at his feet by my own choice and listened to what he had to say. He says to ask your Dom how those first few weeks made him feel different and be honest with himself about it. Everyone’s experience is different.

      • This reply was modified 52 years, 6 months ago by .
    • #51914
      Mister C

      Hi Trouble.  Your experience is very similar to ours.  D/s headspace in a married 24/7 relationship is challenging.  I struggled badly in the beginning.  Be patient.  Talk openly. He needs to process the emotions and conflicts in his attic.  I have always been protective and giving in a Dom sense.  I needed to give My Girl what she needed not what she wanted.  My Girl has posted already … we refocus together where I feel her relax into subbie mode while kneeling at my feet.  In return I focus on her.  I tune my senses to her and let the angst go.  We later cuddle on my lap to finish.  This simple routine may work for you when you talk about it.  Stick with it.

    • #52265

      Hello Trouble.
      my husband /daddy-dom have been together 27 years and are in our second year in what we call 23/7 D/s. It  means we are 24/7 except when we cant be….parenting , sick, emergency,  whatever.  Sometimes the vanilla world has to be let in briefly. We are learning how to ebb and flow with that.

      What we have decided is that our rules and rituals never change , the little things we do that have meaning ONLY to our dynamic that others don’t even know the meaning of.  Daddy turns my bed down for me at night, i sleep topless because he likes it,  the respectful language and not disagreeing with him, pouring his beers, him ordering for me at restaurants and  holding doors for me, me being sexually available to him 24/7, etc. those never change. how we INTERACT as a D/s does not change.

      I actually made a list of all our our rules and rituals  and was SHOCKED we have nearly 30!so many became organically part of the relationship we hadn’t recognized  the dominance and submission was now naturally occurring.

      the other thing that has been a revelation is domestic discipline. We discovered that 23/7 wasn’t possible if i wasn’t punished for not staying in that submission role.  We agreed that consequences had to be in place and USED. Yes, i get spanked ( and not for FUN, because daddy uses a paddle I absolutely hate and actively work to avoid being punished with it.  Its very different from our impact play.). We use physical punishment because humiliation and verbal reprimands make my babygirl self very very sad instead of submissive and contrite.  Your punishments may need to be different but I suggest you look at the option.  It has been a very important balance for our dynamic.

      Don’t give up yet! It can take time and we went through many iterations of D/s before we settled into what is working for us now.


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