Submissive head space – how do I maintain it?

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    • #48151

      My husband and I are new to D/s. We started a 24/7 dynamic about 7-8 weeks ago, soon after our 20th anniversary and Year’s of only occasionally playing with the idea in bed. And on so many levels, it’s exactly what we both needed to admit we needed years  ago.

      For him, it’s allowed this quiet, passive guy to connect to an inner power, given him more confidence, and has even spilled over into his business dealings (we are both business owners, separate businesses).

      For me, it’s hard to explain. His dominance is intoxicating. It’s allowed me to let go, find a more feminine side, but also get out of my head and destress in powerful ways. I’ve always LOATHED submissiveness, am used to being in charge as an employer, hate cooking and cleaning…But I found myself suddenly wearing dresses, carefully doing my hair and makeup every day, acting demure and excitedly (in more ways than one) kneeling or serving him (also in more ways than one and definitely more ways than I ever enjoyed in the past).

      But then about 5 weeks into it, life got a little messy. Our sweet pup got sick, my husband injured his knee, and I just…I don’t know. I lost touch with this newly submissive side. Now even with the stress having passed, I find myself rolling my eyes, snarky and…not totally disinterested, but not eager at all. I’ve tried reading books/watching movies but it’s only mildly interesting. I’m just not…turned on right now. Like a light switch. I know the electricity could be there, but the switch is firmly in the off position. Unconsciously it’s changed his behaviors too. He’s barely trying to get us back on track, which makes me sad…less about being off track and more because he’s going’s back to his old passive approach to life.

      How common is this on? And how do you manage the on/off switch life provides when you’re already an all or nothing gal? How do I keep myself in the right head space when I’m constantly being distracted by life, business, or being someone’s boss?


    • #48181

      Hello Trouble,

      Thank you for your forum post.  Firstly, please let me assure you this is quite common, and more than a lot of people will admit.

      D/s relationships within a long term relationship are different from those that are based mainly around play and sex.  We have to manage life on a rolling basis, like your husband’s knee and your dog, whilst more infrequent interactions are all freshly showered, fancy underwear and in the mood!  As you well know, marriages are not like that, even in films.

      The one thing that keeps D/s relationships going is the ability to feed off one another’s energy or enthusiasm.  It’s great when you are bouncing off each other as well as the bed, however, when one of you suffers an event that distracts you from that focus, it all becomes a bit difficult.  Where does one start to get things going? What will happen if I put myself out there by making myself look sexy and performing some act that is humiliating to get a reaction, only to discover it falls flat.  Your self esteem gets bashed and he is upset that he let you down, and so it becomes circular.

      The best thing we have found is to hit the brakes with both feet and talk. Reflect on where you were, what caused it to stop and discuss where you want to be. Chances are you will agree on something and that’s your starting point for getting back on track.  If you agree that tonight you will be spanked, which is great for resetting the mindset, then you are both on the same page. Expectations are clear and you have something to look forward to.

      One thing we do, because distractions are frequent, is to have a ‘reset’ system.  Some people, like us, have a spanking session. Some people have their sub on a leash and walk them around the bedroom and others just agree on a kinky act brings them together. The important thing is to recognise openly that the event is a reset and not general play.  During the event you can add some words that emphasises why you are doing it. Maybe you had a disagreement that pulled you out of the dynamic, maybe very bad news or even you have drifted apart due to work commitments.  Use the event to repair the gap and seal the bond you have.

      There is no golden answer to this, however, we have used this method to burn the emotions around an apology for a wrong doing and the joint effort to make it work tends to get us back on our feet.

      Best of luck


    • #48209
      Sub Mace

      I too have struggled with this. I’d advocate taking time to communicate, clear of distraction. Perhaps a shared journal where you write to one another will help with being open about your own thoughts. Sometimes it can be hard to ask or be open about what you want when you fear an immediate reaction that may not be what you had hoped for.
      I find that being alone helps me think and then I can put my words on paper and then pass them on later.

      I hope this helps a little!

      • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Sub Mace.
    • #48456

      Hi trouble, I hear you loud and strong! We are a long time M/s and I have had many years to work through the ups and downs of real life affecting my submission.  We practice a 24/7 dynamic and in r/l we are a married couple with children, grandchildren, a business together of which I am/was (we are retiring) CFO and my own former career.  I could spend days telling you of the challenges from starting out as polar opposites (me a little kinky, He a little vanilla) to getting through illness, arguments, meltdowns and all the rest.  What I can say with certainty is our Dominant submissive dynamic has actually gotten us through it all.

      It may seen like all is lost but for us it never was.  I think the greatest changes happened during the greatest challenges.  Bottom line has always been ‘Do we want this?’ and answer always came back a resounding “YES”!!!! so I collected the tools necessary to keep our intense dynamic alive and growing.

      One thing I had to realize and truly take to heart is that I am a submissive.  I need to BE submissive. I may not get the feeding that makes living submission easy if my Dominant is ‘down’.  He can get sick, distracted by work or other matters, I can be sick or distracted by other matters – so many things can happen to upset the D/s cart.  When they do I learned from experience that we can get through it and set the cart right again.  And the more experiences we have the quicker we can set it right.  As it’s been said journaling is a terrific communication tool.  I began a few years ago and Norseman requires me to journal daily even if it’s just a line or too.  He has access to my innermost thoughts and desires and there is always a line of communication open no matter how non-communicative I am feeling.

      Rituals are so helpful for me to keep my headspace.  Reconnecting as often as possible is essential for us (we try to do it everyday).  As time goes on any D/s couple will have challenges and through those we can get the experience and perhaps the ‘tools’ to maintain the Dominant submissive headspace and create our own environment despite that which surrounds us.  The result for us has been an oasis where our dynamic can thrive.

      I remember the phrase ‘act as if’ and have applied it to my life as a 24/7 submissive.  What happens around me is going to happen but if I ‘act as if’ my submission is who I am despite how I feel at the time I am still in it.  It’s sustainable.  I wish the same for you.

      xoxo  elskling

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