Struggling sub

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    • #7450

      So I’m a sub and I have been dating a wonderful guy, but he’s totally vanilla. I love him so much, but I can tell he’s uncomfortable with the whole D/s dynamic. I can feel my sex drive plumeting and I’ve found myself fantasizing about my ex Dom. It doesn’t help that he (my ex Dom) wants me back. My bf says he is willing to try, but I can see how uncomfortable it makes him when I call him “Sir” or “Alpha” and we usually stop there. Advice is appriciated.

      -Struggling sub

    • #7451

      Difficult one.

      1. I would try to be open and honest with him. Make your feelings known to him. Explain how important it is for you.
      2. Educate him. Explain what D/S relationship is. Give him material to read. Submissy has a wonderful blog.

      3. Small steps. You have already done one, you calling him Sir. But, it might be feel to him totally alien. Perhaps after you have read together about D/S you can agree together a step.

      4. Look out for growth. See if it grows on him.

      5. It does not grow on him after a few honest tries, you will have to make a decision.




    • #7457
      Beth [MM]

      I second what DW4Sir said. Communication is the key to every good relationship. My husband was uncomfortable at first because he was raised by a strong feminist and it seemed like D/s made me less than him. But we talked about it and he took the time to learn about it. I am just as valued as he is in our relationship, I choose to give him power over me.

      If your bf isn’t comfortable with Sir or Alpha maybe there is a different honorific that you could use like Boss or Chief or something else he’s okay with.

      And as it has been said it might not be his thing.

      Good luck!

    • #7873

      Totally agree with whats been said already.

      I do wonder just how important is the title part of the D/s lifestyle for you?  Maybe he’s not comfortable with being called Alpha or Sir, but maybe he’s totally into playing a little rough?  You could try to bring him along slowly, show him stuff that isnt specifically D/s, but easily fits within the ‘label’.

      Communication is indeed key, but sometimes we menfolk can be stubborn, and sometimes we miss whats right in front of us until someone gets our attention and says “Hey!  Look at this!” and then we find it is the ‘best-thing-ever’ for the next however long until they surprise us with something else we’d missed and not even know we wanted.

      That is not to say we men are stupid, but we get kinda set in our ways and don’t always look ‘outside the box’ because of the ‘if it aint broke, dont fix it’ mentality so many of us are taught to live in.   But if say, you and your fella live together..  do something like have dinner on the table, table set, and everything just perfect for like 2 weeks straight, dont miss unless you absolutely have to.  And make sure its all nice not just food.  Like nice plates, silver, maybe a candle if thats your thing.  Then.. miss a night or two.  See if he says anything.  When he does, cause well.. what guy doesnt like a little pampering, ask him what he’d like you to make for him.. and maybe toss a subtle ‘sir’ in there and see if he catches it.

      Start treating him like he’s a Dom.   Always ask his opinion, but dont be annoying or scatterbrained with it (unless you both enjoy the ‘bimbo’ role).  Then when you pause in your role, and he notices, he’ll have a better idea of what it might be like for him as your Dom, he may surprise you both and find he likes it.  If he does.. well, then there are all sorts of resources you can suggest so he can start coming up with his own ideas.  Bet if he likes it he’ll take over being a Dom for you without much need for you to suggest stuff anymore.

      I didnt know how much I enjoyed spanking as an adult.  Had no idea.  Since I first experienced years ago, it isn’t even something that I really feel as sexual, but it something I greatly enjoy, particularly when my partner is upset with me about something I did or didnt do and its a punishment.

      Not all guys are like that, but it might be worth trying!  Best of luck!!

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