New to D/s and new to Dom

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    • #60996

        About 4 months ago I didn’t even know I was vanilla because I didn’t know what vanilla meant. Now I find myself in a non-vanilla relationship and I’m looking for advice. My fiance is interested in Domestic discipline and I don’t even know if that’s the same as D/s.

        Any advice for a new dom or top or whatever the lead in a DD relationship is? I don’t want to hurt her, and in the era of #metoo I want to be extra cautious, but i get the sense that she is light years ahead of me in understanding this.

        We have been communicating,  and i think it’s going well, but when I’ve tried to “scold” her (I’m sure that I’m not doing that right), she tends to get tongue tied and usually expresses her emotions via text message the next day.

        Thank you!

      • #60997

          Hi Rick, welcome to The Safewords Club. I’m not familiar with the term Domestic Discipline, but I’m very new, so that doesn’t mean much. Lol There are many experienced Doms here and I’m sure you can get lots of information. Also, the forums have great topics and be sure to read the blogs of HisLordship and missy. They talk about their journey adding D/s into their marriage.

          We have several scheduled chats, so check out the events tab for times and subjects. A you can always just drop in the chat room and see if anyone is around. With different time zones, you are likely to find someone there at any time.


        • #61008
          MrC’s AussieGirl

            Hi Rick,

            I’ll get My Sir (Mr C) to pop on later and post a comment, you could also send Him a PM as he would be happy to talk if you friend Him.
            We practice DD as a part of our D/s relationship, and like your fiance I requested this to be a part of our relationship as it serves a specific purpose for us. My Sir also struggled with this as well as the D/s side to begin with. We only began our D/s relationship early last year, adding DD shortly after.

          • #61009
            Mister C

              Hello Rick.  Welcome to the Club.  My AG and I adopted a DD facet very early on in our blossoming D/s relationship.  As you have read, she was the one who requested the inclusion.  As a new Dom at the time, I agreed but was very unsure as to how and why someone would have this.  To quote :”The DD scenario normally includes one of many styles of  disciplinary actions or measures, but first centers around rules of behavior asked for by one partner and agreed to by the other.”  You need to discuss with your Sub about her needs.

              I feel your pain.  I was unsure of how to support AG’s request for DD.  Her needs and understanding of what she “needed” far outstripped a “NEW DOMs” expertise and perception.  We all carry baggage from our upbringing and environment so … you need to work through the issues of “hurt her”.  This will take time for both parties. The reason behind DD is to enforce and modify a habit/s or action/s that both feel are necessary.  The punishment is not supposed to be fun.  The punishment needs to be specific.

              In my humble opinion, DD assigns an agreed authority figure to oversee discipline in an agreed situation.  The Power exchange is not the main focus but the relationship and the betterment of that relationship is.  There is no right or wrong way to achieve this.  DD is for love and  correction where BDSM  has a kink connected and a sexual component.   Punishment, per se. in a BDSM scenario is a fluid action where the kink dictates the repercussion.

              Domestic Discipline relationships are traditionally “male dominated”.  The head of the household (HOH) is the ultimate decision maker.  My AG and I practice a modified version of DD where we focus on the Health and Safety aspects.  As a Dom my Subs welfare is my prime concern.  She has requested that she be held accountable for agreed behaviours relating to her health and safety.  For example, adhering to set work hours (with an agreed buffer zone), medically related exercises and medication intake.  We have agreed on a suitable consequence for not adhering to the contract.

              These are my opinions. Others will have different interpretations as each relationship chooses a path that suits them.  I hope this helps in a small way.  Feel free to contact me on this site if you wish to chat.

              Mister C



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