New sub; how to work through insecurities?

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    • #6679

      Quick intro… Hubby and I have been married almost 7 years. I have Ptsd from my first marriage (abusive). About 4 years ago, Hubby and I separated – our marriage had gone to shit (mostly my doing, despite his efforts), and he had a few different sexual partners. I’m still working through that, but we’re in a wonderful place since our reunion.

      I was very wild in terms of sexuality before Him. I used that as an escape, as many do. I was with lots of men and women, and lots at the same time. Hubby has recently (in the last few years) expressed his fantasies of experiencing a threesome, of having interactions with men….. He’s had a very sheltered life in that respect. I stick to a hard line of no one else being introduced into our sexual affairs – I just can’t, and I won’t. I hold the sanctity of marriage very high in every regard.  But even when we try role play, or just ramblings of fantasies during sex, I have a panic attack at the mention of another person. Although I’m the sub, I want to give him that safe place to express himself, especially since I’ve experienced all the things he’s curious about (from a woman’s end)…. Butvstill, I can’t seem to control the overwhelming to panic that ensues. Even if he just mentions me having contact with another man, I freak out. How on Earth do I move past this?? He says I’m the ONLY person who he’s been able to open up with, and it means so much to him that I don’t judge or treat him differently.

    • #6692
      Beth [MM]

      I have panick attacks and even though I logically know I’m prefectly safe the feelings are still there. I don’t give into or feed the feelings but I don’t ignore them either. My therapist has been a great help getting me to this place.

      You’re feelings are valid even if they seem irrational. Finding an open minded therapist might help. Some of this may stem from your PTSD. Let the therapist know this is a fantasy (not something you want to do in real life) that you’d both like to incorporate into your sex play. They can help you take slow steps to build up to the fantasy he/you both want. You may have to work through some of your PTSD triggers first to help make this possible.

      I feel that open, honest, respectful, kind communication between partners is very important. My suggestion (if you haven’t already done so) is to let your husband know how you are feeling, that you want to do this for him but you are also having difficulties, work through this together.

      Good luck.

    • #6719

      Thank you for the tips. I’m very open with him about it, and he’s very patient. It’s just, in those moments I feel quite dysfunctional, and I hate that.

      • #6720

        Thank you for the tips. I’m very open with him about it, and he’s very patient. It’s just, in those moments I feel quite dysfunctional, and I hate that.

        captive eyes, my girl is almost pathologically possessive of me, equally her revulsion at the thought  of another man touching her is palpable. It seems to be not uncommon, my own opinion is that D/s is so intimate on several levels that being outside the ‘bubble’ if you’re only used to each other in D/s can generate very real anxieties.

        • #6721

          When you put it like that, it does make sense. Thinking of myself having contact with another person gives me the same desire to vomit as when I think of Him in that scenario.

          • #6722

            I too would be very/extremely unhappy if another man touched my girl, so it isn’t just a sub thing. 🙂


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