new and slightly confused

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    • #6629


      I’m new here, I’ve never been on anything like this before, I have no idea what I’m doing and have no one to speak to… I want someone I can actually have an intellectual conversation with, I’m quite possibly in the wrong place but if you don’t ask you don’t get and all that..


    • #6669
      Captain’s Girl

      I’m new too. A little scared, and all kinds of confused.

      Am I a submissive? Yes.

      How do I know that? Because I feel it down to my core, I just didnt know what it was before.

      So, for everyone else here is my situation…

      I’m a married woman in my mid 30s. I believe my husband to be a natural Dom. Being the Alpha male that he is we seem to have slipped into a D/s relationship quite accidentally. He takes the lead and I’m and totally happy to let him. But after reading 50 shades of grey and thinking “this chick is off her rocker” I was introduced to to “Brie”… that clicked something in my brain. Keeping the sex out of it at this point… the Brie books gave me an example of what I want my relationship to look like. So I did what everyone does now a days and i hopped online and started reading. What I figured out is that all Doms are wealthy… like crazy rich… cuz normal people can’t afford their own personal “red room of pain”. Oh and they all have very discreet staff, who take care of their homes and families.  Or they are young singles/couples who have not come to a place in their life where they need to prioritize like us “grown folks”. And just about the time I was about to give up hope of finding some guidance, I found “submissy”.  And there it was… the best example of what I would like to have. so with all that said… My husband has never shown any interest in D/s as a lifestyle. And I’m not sure if he really knows what its about outside of the basic porn type of way. So, how do I even start with him?

      We have done some light bondage, both of us taking a turn. For myself personally topping him sexually in a bondage setting was unique. The trust he showed was mind blowing. And being able to please him sexually without him being able to physically control any of it was nice. But when we reversed the rolls… greatest feeling ever. I’ve NEVER felt closer to him than in those moments.

      Ok. So that is my long winded introduction. I will be thankful for any guidance and support this community can provide.

    • #6670

      Hi there.

      Firstly thank you for the kind words about my blog and secondly I can so relate to what you are saying about some of the information out there. It doesn’t have to be like that though and in my experience, chasing an idea from fiction will only lead to false comparisons and something which is too unreal to be sustainable. There are loads of good blogs from real people who are living the dynamic but I was slow to catch on to that. There is a list of member blogs on the side bar here, and our new ‘Tell Me About …’ writing prompt has links to some great posts on the topics covered so far.

      Starting out is not easy but one of the key foundations for a successful D/s relationship is open communication. You have to find a way of explaining to your husband what it is you think you want. It sounds like he is open to the idea and is already doing it in lot of far ways so it is maybe just about adding in the formality and the structure that will make it work for you. Every relationship is different so there is no right or wrong. It has to fit with the people you are and the lifestyle that you have. It is about taking the good bits and building on those, not throwing everything out and starting from scratch.

      I am happy to chat about it if that would help. I am around during the chat times on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday but feel free to DM or email and I we can arrange a time that suits.

      Glad to see you here, missy ?

    • #6678
      Captain’s Girl

      Thank you Missy. DM has been sent.  I’m hoping to be able to join in on the chat tomorrow.

    • #6697
      Captain’s Girl

      Ok first of, I jumped in here with both feet and then disappeared. So sorry about that. My husband an I are rescue volunteers when natural disasters happen and we were busy with Iowa and Nebraska flooding. Rescues are done, so its time for recovery efforts to start up. So we are done and someone else is stepping in.

      Update to our situation. When I made my first post I had not yet had a proper convo with my husband about my needs and desires.  I have now. I decided to ask for full power exchange only in a sexual context.  The reasoning behind that is to not overwhelm ourselves with the changes that the lifestyle will hopefully bring.

      After the discussion there was a celebratory play session complete with some hair pulling and demands that I took as proof he’s willing to give this a go. Afterwards we had another discussion. The result of that (besides a trip back to the adult to store) is the agreement that not every sexual encounter will be a “play” session. If he wants to play he will prepare me by giving me a note with preparations he wants me to take, and if I would like a play session I am to signal that by wearing a buttplug with a tail that is showing. Im not talking about walking through the kitchen naked with the plug, its to be done covertly, under clothes. From that he will take his cue. He may decide right then and there is the time and place or it maybe be delayed or done at a different location of his choosing.   The reasons for this is he absolutely loves when I am the one to instigate sex. It makes him fell loved and desired. This is a way for me to do that and still allow him to take control.

      We don’t have this all figured out, but we are working on it. Out relationship motto has always been T&T. Talk and Trust. Communication is a requirement for trust, and trust leads to greater communication.

      Questions: I’ve heard of topping from the bottom… but is bottoming from the top a thing? That’s kinda how I feel ay the moment. Also, could someone send me in the right direction for a male strap-on with the attached dildo above the penis?

    • #6699

      : I’ve heard of topping from the bottom… but is bottoming from the top a thing? That’s kinda how I feel ay the moment.

      As in the Dom wanting to be told what to do or be treated/controlled? Sure..Because the Dom is instructing the sub how they want the scene to be.


      Apologies if I misunderstood your question.

    • #6700
      Captain’s Girl

      Im the sub, but because this is all my idea he wants me to take the lead and show/explain what I want from him. I think at this point he’s worried he’s going to do something too hard or too much(for example: spanking) and he does not want to hurt me. We are baby stepping this, so I’m ok with it for now. We have not done any kind of impact play other than spanking… so he would shock my socks off if he just turned up with a riding crop or flogger without my propmting him at this point. When he feels empowered enough to do somehing like that, I will know that I am able to full submit, sit back and enjoy the ride.

    • #6703

      I had misunderstood! I see what you mean now. Sorry, I’ve had a long day and only a little sleep.

      What you’re highlighting is communication. I too was scared of hurting my sub the first time I spanked her, because although we all have similar so called pain thresholds, we have widely varying pain tolerances (women’s is usually higher), but obviously at that time I didn’t know her’s.

      The easy way is use a safe word (as we do) that means ‘STOP NOW’. One that you’d never usually use in play, which is why ‘no’, ‘please don’t’, “i’m begging’ etc are not very good as they often add to the erotic feelings. ‘Red’ is common, some use incongruous words that cannot be misunderstood for anything else.

      If you get spanked, flogged, whipped, caned etc then you’ll know when you want him to stop, even if it’s temporarily (you might be resting in an uncomfortable position and it not be the spanking that’s the issue, but he NEEDS to know). After a rest or even termination of the scene you can go from there.  Hope that helps.

    • #6704
      Captain’s Girl

      We have decided on the street light method. With yellow being equal to a time out so we can address what might not be working (position or maybe binding is too tight or one of us is not clear about whats happening or expected), and red being game over and we added orange incase we dont want to stop the whole thing but not enjoying whats happening right now. So for example we are testing out a new toy like maybe nipple clamps and one of us doesnt like it we say “orange on the nipple clamps”. They come off and we continue on without stopping to talk about it right then.

      As far as the bottoming from the top. A lot of our discussions right now are me saying to him… I want you to spank me, or pull my hair, or tie me down… and so on. He doesn’t yet feel comfortable enough to take liberties.

      • #6706

        I like the lights method and the reasoning. 🙂

        You telling him what you want (Or rather phrase it as your accepted limits) is fine, (Instead of saying ‘Please pull my hair’, Say for example “I like it when you tug my hair and pull my head back”) and eventually he’ll feel more comfortable with just ‘doing it’ knowing you’re not just looking forward to what he’s about to do, but relishing that he’s in that place where he takes you out of the decision process but knows what you’ll enjoy. The fun part is there is no rush, no timetable, no penalties for late homework (Unless of course that’s the scene!).

        But I think most Doms and Dommes (Unless they’re sociopaths who have little empathy for their subs) go through a self questioning process when trying out new things that you can never be fully sure of until you try it.  I know it’s often said and you probably already know: safe, sane and consensual. I’m sure your hubby will relax soon enough and you’ll be more relaxed because he is.

    • #6707
      Captain’s Girl

      I will work on my phrasing and hope that helps to assure him. Baby steps, no time limit. And maybe some day we will be able to expand to 24/7. Then again… maybe this is just a phase. Time will tell.

    • #6714
      Beth [MM]

      My husband needed and wanted guidance when we started out as he’s not a mind reader, lol. I agree with StHCE, turing it into a request or just letting him know “I like it when you do X,” will let him know what you enjoy without you “telling” him what to do. Then he can do what he wants with that information. We have found that feedback is crucial, especially when we are exploring new things.

      You can to an internet search for male strap-ons. Amazon, Adam & Eve, JimmyJane, etc will have a selection to choose from. You may have to vary your position depending on which hole you want what to go into. ?

    • #6715
      Captain’s Girl

      Thank you all for the advice. Hoping to get some private time next week for more discussion.  Among other things. ?

    • #7181

      I usually don’t like reviving old threads but Goldie’s post is exactly where I am at currently. A little about me: I am 31, Married for 10 years, and we have 2 young children. I have been in the military our entire relationship and I separated to go work as a civilian. I make good money, and my Wife has recently (just before I deployed a second time) told me she will follow me if I decide to go back to the military full time. This is something I have wanted to do ever since I left 6 years ago. I honestly hate my job and the personnel I work with. I thrive in the military and am in a position of power now as when we met I was not.

      I am 3 months into my deployment now and my Wife has informed me last week she wants us to have a D/s relationship in the bedroom. Some background: since being married we have had a super vanilla sex life. This mainly is due to the fact that she never instigates any sex play, and she often refuses my horny ass. Generally we have sex 1-2 a month. She has said so many times that she is just doesn’t need or crave it. We have talked and talked, and every once in a while she would mention wanting me to be rough, but that never went any where as she never really seemed to like it, and when I asked she didn’t know what she wanted. I am decently sized, and I ALWAYS aim to pleasure her. I think I get off more on her being pleased than actually pleasing her.

      I have read and read and read so much! I don’t feel overwhelmed, but my Wife doesn’t like to talk about the subject as I believe she feels ashamed. Mind you I have been expressing to her for some time now that I am down to try anything she wants to try. I have also assured her that I am ok with trying out a D/s relationship.

      Out of the 10 years of our marriage this last year and a half has been the best ever.

      I left home in May and I couldn’t get her to send me any nude / partial nude photos for 3 entire months. After talking, begging, and pleading for some time she finally caved. Fast forward 1 month, and she has send me multiple pictures, and a couple videos of her pleasing herself. Awesome! Then this… I can’t sleep, and I can’t think. All I can do is think of her and ways I can please her as her Dominant. We are so far away from each other. She barely wants to talk about it, and I have one hundred questions for her! What do I do? Wait it out? Just embrace that she told me and wait until I return home? We have yet to have any good dialogue about the subject.

      I am super honored and relieved to hear her news. After doing some research, I explained to her that a lot of things add up and her wanting to be my submissive makes sense. It all makes sense to me!

      Me being a Dom? Honestly I have plenty of ideas, but I’m in the same boat as Wannabesub’s husband. I don’t know if I could bring pain upon my partner if she wants anything more rough than shanking and the occasional switch possibly. Since we have yet to be able to act any of this out I am at somewhat of an impasse I believe. I don’t think I could flog or cane my Wife. A switch would be alright and maybe leather straps only being used lightly. However, I bring this up because I believe she may like to introduce some pain.

      I appreciate everyone’s time if you happened to make it this far. I am lost.

      • #7182

        I forgot to mention when I separated I swapped from Active Duty and joined the National Guard – This is why I’m deployed currently and also my gateway to go back full time.


        I apologize for the long and probably confusing post.

    • #7256

      Hi Chris,

      Well you certainly have plenty to think about!  I would not overly concern yourself as having lots of questions is a common theme when a partner brings this type of dynamic into a relationship.

      You raise a number of concerns surrounding communication and providing your partner with a level of pain during kinky play. Again, that is a quite normal.

      Whilst I am careful to give advice, I will share an opinion that getting to understand your individual areas of kinky play may be a good start. Many couples use a question sheet which can be found on-line. An example could be

      Such lists allow you to be honest regarding things sexual you like, would like to try, would be prepared to have go later, or a definate NO!  We used one in the earlier stages of our relationship as a bit of fun, however, it turned out to be quite enlightening!  My opinion with these sheets is that people should try to be as honest with themselves as possible and not complete the list with a ‘what would they like’ attitude.  Also having an agreement that it is a judgement free zone.  If you say you would like to try dressing as a baby, then your partner should try and use that as a topic of conversation rather than running for the hills!

      If you have any further questions please drop me a line on



    • #7380
      Captain’s Girl

      Wow, its been a while. I haven’t been online in ages, but catchin up I noticed your post Chris. If you are still deployed, try talking about in email. It gives you both time to think about what you want to say, but also doesn’t put either of you on the spot to answer the “right” way. You mentioned flogging. I have found out that I am most definitely NOT a pain slut. That said, I love flogging, spanking, and some crop play. None of those need to be done to a level that cause pain. Flogging in particular doesn’t need to hurt. A flogger could actually be your best friend, because if you want it to hurt… you are going to really have to lay into her. If you make contact with just the tips, it does sting a bit, but if you use the ‘body’ of the flogger more than just the tips, its more of a dull thud. It’s almost like a massage. The skin will pink up fairly quickly, and can become warm. Kinda like when you rub your hands together. I personally find it very relaxing, especially on my back side (from shoulders to calfs). Behind the knees and the bottom of the feet can touchy. The front side is more sensitive.  Breast, pubic area, and tops of the feet need a careful touch. In the event that you are flogging her and shes bent over, be careful with the tips. They can curl around the butt cheek and nip the lady bits. Which is fine if you meant to, or if she likes it. Cuffs are great. Mine are neoprene, I’ve got 2 sets. I use one for wrists and the other for ankles. Spreader bars a good too. The biggest thing I needed as a sub from my husband was a commanding presence.

      Planing is always good, but things don’t always go as planned. That’s ok. Adapt and overcome. And don’t be afraid to go all cave man on her… after all. She asked for it.

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