I messed up

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    • #5494

      So- I messed up. It has been 3 weeks since I approached my husband and had an honest heart to heart with him about my submission and my thoughts on us introducing a D/s dynamic into our marriage. We have been married for 16 years and have wonderful children. I am 38 and my husband is 36. We have “played” with D/s in the bedroom before but always a one time thing and then forgotten. I let him know I needed much more. He has been so open minded and really stepped into the role. We are taking things slowely to not scare either of us off. He has done research, set some rules, and been more dominant. Yesterday- I messed up. We are on vacation this week with our children, and also sharing a cabin with my parents. We still have privacy as we have an entire floor to ourselves at night. Yesterday, my stepdad said some things that upset my husband. My husband did not say anything to my stepdad but did share with me that he was anger. Side note- I suffer from anxiety. I have my whole life- most days I deal with it but some I suffer from it. Since we have started this dynamic my anxiety has been greatly reduced. I am actually sleeping at night, no panic attacks, and just noticeably calmer. I don’t live in my head as much. Anyways, in an attempt to diffuse the situation because I immediately felt my anxiety coming on, I rationalized the situation. I wanted everyone to get along and was scared there would be an argument. This is NOT what my husband needed. He took it as I was taking my stepdads side. I would never do this but I do understand how this came across to him. I knew he was upset and I never went to him. Neither of us spoke the rest of the day. We went to be without speaking. Every night since I spoke with my husband about my submission, I have given him a blow job. My way of not only showing my submission but also letting him know how important it is to me to please him. Last night, I did not so this. This morning when he woke he let me know that I “fucked up”. He told me why and how I made him feel. Not something he would normally do. I aplogized and explained the best I could. He then needed to leave to make a previously scheduled appointment. I feel horrible and I am so afraid that I have made a big mistake in throwing us off track. This is still so new to us and I feel like any little thing could mess it up. He has been great and I have finally started to feel “complete”. So sorry for the long post. I did not bring my journal with me on vacation and had to get these feelings down in “writing”. If anyone has any thoughts or ideas on how I can help make things right I would also greatly appreciate that. Thanks for listening!!!

    • #5512
      Beth [MM]

      Sorry I didn’t see this sooner. And don’t worry about the long post , it’s great you are getting your thought and feelings written down.

      I’m glad the D/s is helping with your anxiety. I’ve noticed mine has lessened with my husband taking a stronger lead.

      Yes, you made a mistake, but we all do, it’s a human thing to do. I do the same thing with my husband, I like to be the peacemaker. I’ve tried de-escalating the situation and he felt like I was taking the other person’s side, instead of hearing and validating his feelings. I’m much better than I used to be but it’s still a work in progress. Habits take time to change. This is definitely something to discuss with him and talk how you can prevent this in the future, and how he can help redirect your behavior.

      Good luck!

    • #5513

      Hi SubNicole! Sorry for not seeing this sooner [Edit: lol, Beth just posted the same thing as I’m writing this]. THANK YOU for sharing this. I know it’s difficult for me to open up and be vulnerable, especially when I feel like I’m the one who screwed up.

      First, I want to congratulate you on screwing up! You’re 3 weeks into this and you both have so many wonderful mistakes ahead and errors to learn from! Like the Pastor said at the wedding, “Congratulations, you are at the end of your troubles! I just didn’t say WHICH end…”

      Hopefully you and your husband are adhering to the 3 C’s of D/s—Communication, Communication, Communication… 😉 And I hope that 3 days on you’ve had a chance to discuss this if not at least process it.

      I do not presume to place blame or tell either you or your husband that you did anything wrong. If you will permit it, I will say a few things entirely from the perspective of *MY* relationship with Beth, and if any of it resonates with you, then great. But feel free to completely disregard any or all of this as the ramblings of a couple in a different relationship to yours.

      Beth is a peacemaker as well, and she will sometimes jump in the middle when I expect her to “present a united front” with me. We’ve never found a magic formula or a code word or anything that works “in the moment”. We aren’t “out” to our friends and family so I can’t turn to her in the middle of an argument and say “be silent, slave” or anything like that. (And if I did, both of us would probably burst out laughing. Hmm, maybe I *should* try it just for that…) I will say that like you, we’ve had discussions afterwards where I’ve told Beth I had… “unmet expectations” and like you this usually leaves her feeling devastated.

      I will say she’s gotten much better at it over time. We’ve been doing TTWD for over 4 years now and a lot of things have just gotten better on their own with practice.

      We recently had an event where my Dad and I had a pretty big blowout. I had the advantage that I knew Dad was upset before we met, and I told Beth beforehand to keep her head up and stay alert and stay out of the middle if Dad went ballistic. He went absolutely nuclear, and Beth stayed alert and I stayed calm… until we got into the car to drive home.

      THEN I absolutely exploded. Not at Beth—I was out of my head furious at my Dad. About the third sentence of my rant, Beth said “Well maybe he meant—“ and I waved a hand at her in a cutting-off motion and growled “I am VENTING right now and NOT looking for rational discussion and you don’t want to be ANYWHERE near the wrong side of this discussion.” She turned on a dime and said “Oh! Yeah, okay! He’s a jerk!”

      This actually made me laugh, for a moment, and then I got back into the venting. Beth listened and chimed in supportively. Later—MUCH later—we circled back around and calmly talked about how Dad might have felt or seen things. But at the time I needed her on my side, I was able to tell her and she jumped right in. The beauty of this exchange was that I was able to be quite sharp with her and she knew it wasn’t directed at her and we were able to get through the conversation unscathed.

      Circling back to your encounter, verbal punishments can be far more brutal and/or effective; I have scolded Beth once or twice harshly enough that she wished I would have tanned her butt instead. (NB: Beth is not a spanko, so spankings for us do not have ANY form of yay/happy/erotic component to them.) One thing Beth and I try to do is make sure punishments have a solid “closing” to them so she knows they’re “over” and that she’s paid for her indiscretion. She may still feel bad on her own, but I try to make sure she knows that *I* am done feeling upset about it.

      It’s on us Doms to stay in control, and that’s a tough ask sometimes. I never punish Beth while I’m still angry, and sometimes that means I need to take a few minutes and get myself collected. It’s also on us, maybe not entirely but certainly more, to confront things that need to be addressed, and I confess I’m not nearly as good at that as I should be. The downside is that if you need correction and reassurance, you can be left feeling anxious waiting for closure and not knowing when it’s coming.

      I hope this isn’t too late to be of help. If you have furher thoughts, please comment or reply or come to one of our chats and hang out, either singly or with your husband. Welcome!

    • #5530

      Thank you both so much for your responses. It helps so much to know we aren’t in this alone. That evening my Sir and I were able to communicate with each other and share our thoughts and feelings. We agreed on a punishment and it felt so good to end it there. We had a great night and are back on track. I was so worried that I may have hurt the dynamic, but as you said, we are new and this will take time. I am so happy that we were able to communicate and end it without resentment or hard feelings. Sadly, I am traveling this week for work and missing my Sir like crazy. Can’t wait to get back to him. Thank you again for your support.

    • #5531
      Beth [MM]

      I’m glad things are back on track for you two. Mister Man and I feel that respectful, honest communication is key to our happy marriage. I’m glad you and your Sir were able to talk about it and resolve things.

      The Safewords Club was created so D/s folks could chat, find other D/s friends, and get support when needed. Feel free to ask questions. We may not be quick but we are here to help.

      I hope you have safe travels.

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