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    • #61302

      Hello! I am curious about D/s and I look forward to continue connecting, sharing, and learning. Everyone I have met so far has been so kind (and perfectly humorous and sassy).

      Feel free to call me darling, doll, or dd (if abbreviations are your jam).

      The twists and turns of life have reminded me that there is nobody better to be than myself – that my mind, body, soul, and heart are my most valuable possessions, and that I have a strong desire deep within me to give them as the beautiful gift they are…that is what brings me here.

      I am currently separated from my husband, and we have put in a lot of work this year, together and separately, on remembering what makes us tick under the masks we have hidden behind in our relationship the past 10 years. Time, honesty, and communication will tell if our paths converge again or not.

      I’m always happy to chat, soak up your wisdom, or provide a listening ear. I am especially interested in connecting with anyone who has attempted to bring D/s into an existing relationship and had it go differently than you had hoped.


    • #61303
      Alister Fraser

      Hello dd,

      The following thoughts have been occurring to me:-

      Like a lot of people, I am more submissive than dominant in my libido, but more dominant than submissive in my day-to-day ego state.  So I can switch – and libido and ego balance one another.

      Sometimes my wife and I take turns at being in charge.  We get along better when we do.   But when we are at our closest we are co-submissive.  Co-submissive bonding is a term that justifies more thought.

      There’s also super-ego to be considered as the third area of mind state where bonds arise in inspirations, ideals and ethics.  It is headier than ego, but not so heady as libido.

      I suspect that ours is not the only marriage that needs a good discussion of the degree of opennesss that we think is appropriate.  On the one hand we have shared investments in our house and savings and we have a duty to have our kids inherit – so developing deep bonds with other partners is off the menu.  On the other hand we do not cater very adequately for all of each other’s needs for intimacy and fulfillment – perhaps it is asking too much to expect this of people in long marriages.

      Intimate talk and writing with others meets some of the need. But it may also be ethical and in the spirit of “do as you would be done by” to recognise secondary lovers who owe each other care, concern and regular contact even if clothes stay on and no big financial commitments arise.

      I’ld be interested in thoughts from others on these matters.



    • #61312

      Hi Alister,

      It is a pleasure to meet you! Thank you for your openness and thoughtful response.

      You have peaked my curiosity regarding co-submissive relationships and bonding. If you have come across any resources, I am certainly interested in learning more.

      I have had the same thought of “asking too much to expect this of people in long marriages” I believe many loving relationships require a healthy amount of compromise, foregoing wants/needs, so long as the relationship remains mutually beneficial. Add in children, shared finances, legal commitment, etc. and I would guess that threshold may increase. For me personally, it is easier to compromise in areas of physical intimacy, but my fulfillment suffers more when it comes to compromising in areas of emotional intimacy, as well as not living in my preferred role. You may have guessed that my husband is not interested in exploring the power exchange I crave. I should note that this was not a challenge that contributed to our separation, at least not explicitly. Since separating, I am lucky and grateful for his encouragement/support to explore more of this side of myself on my own.

      I would imagine D/s outside of an existing relationship has its challenges (starting the conversation and defining the level of openness the least of which), but so long as all involved are honest, understand expectations, communicate regularly, etc., I imagine many benefits as well. It is hard for me to picture that arrangement being fulfilling for me, but I know it works wonderfully for others. (I am slowly making my way through blog posts, but I think I may have seen one speaking to this topic).

      For now, I am here to learn. I hope to open my mind, dig deeper,  and gain clarity on if submission is a part of me that I am or am not willing to compromise.

      As far as freudian theory goes, I am afraid I am quite useless…have not tapped into that much since high school. 😂 Perhaps I should start!

    • #61320

      Hello, and welcome!

      Several couples here were together for years before developing an interest in D/s, I’m sure you’ll find the blogs and chats very informative.


    • #61322

      Hey dd, Welcome to the site!  We are very glad to have you, and you have come to the right place to explore and get your questions answered.

      You have already discovered the chats so make yourself at home and join the fun!

      If you need anything or have any questions or concerns, feel free to reach out.

      Take care,


    • #61324

      Thank you, MPL. Looking forward to what’s ahead!

    • #61354

      These posts are very interesting, and I can see I can learn here.

      dd, when my husband and I were dating, I was the one who brought up bondage in our relationship. I’m not sure why, but we really didn’t explore S/m or D/s until after we were married, and it was he who brought it up.  Though we started with him dominating me, we switched roles from time to time.

      Over the years, though, he has been less and less interested in D/s (which he brought up), though he still loves having us take turns tying each other.  And while I still love being tied, I’m finding I want to be dominated more. And I’m really not enjoying tying him.

      I don’t know if that really answers your question, but that’s been my experience, and this is where he and I are now.

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