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    • #61815
      Domesticatedwolff
      Participant

      D/s in a marriage or long term relationship is fantastic… so long as you do what it takes to make it work for both parties. As with any other bdsm relationship, the key is to talk about it!

      In a relationship that started off vanilla and is growing into a D/s dynamic this can feel like walking a tightrope, wanting to take that next step forward but fraught with danger of a misstep.

      For my wife and I we both enjoy when I take control and she submits, using straps and ropes to tie each other up, bringing in toys and playing in public when we can get away with it. Yet the words can get in the way and make her hesitant. Call it Catholic guilt,a fear of falling too far in to a submissive role and not being able to climb out, or whatever you like the reality is that while she can admit she likes the act, saying the names of these acts out loud can be so scary as to turn her off the whole idea.

      She loves being tied up and used, but being able to say aloud to me in private that she enjoys bondage took years. Admitting to enjoying anal took even longer despite her experiencing body rocking multiple orgasms and being all smiles after each instance, and even now she is much more comfortable with pseudonyms such as “using the back door”.

      She has happily swallowed every load I’ve ever pumped into her mouth, which is at a rough average three or four times a week for going on ten years together. Yet she cannot say out loud that she enjoys cum, and commanding her something like “ask permission to suck me off” has her go shy and nervous, barely able to whisper.

      For years we found ways around this mental block together by using words that she could say with a smile and didn’t bring up feelings of insecurity and guilt. “Back door” instead of anal; “bouncing” instead of sex or fucking; “play” to mean anything beyond vanilla.

      We’ve been moving out of this over the last year or two, deeper into the territory of dirty talk and blatant statements of what we want, how and when. Her comfort level has grown as we’ve gone through all the usual challenges of married couples together: cars , dogs, jobs, houses, family, a pandemic. Being able to turn to each other in any situation has made every situation so much less scary and this has been making its way into the bedroom. Where she would originally cover herself in modesty when we first started sleeping together and didn’t enjoy me looking at her body, she’s now comfortable with spreading herself for me to see everything on command. We’ve worked together to train her in little things that make me smile like anytime she has to bend over to pick something up, and especially when uncovered such as dressing or undressing, she turns to make sure she’s bending with her ass towards me to give me the best view.

      We’ve built a system together to know when we’re playing in our roles as Dom and sub and when we’re just a happily married couple: either of us can call the other by miss or Sir and if it’s responded in kind then we’re agreeing to play. If not then the other isn’t feeling up to it at the moment and it’s just a term of endearment.

      “Good morning miss”
      “Good morning Sir”
      “Come here.”

      “Good morning miss“
      “Mmm, good morning love. I need coffee…”
      “Cream and sugar Darlin?”

      For longer sessions such as a night out or a weekend away, we’ve generally both been getting excited for them for a while beforehand since with two kids they are so rare and require planning babysitting, etc. We will set up the feeling of constant play for the duration since that in itself is so much fun! We do this simply by having her wear a choker, a discrete and accepted outfit accessory, as stand in for a collar and we use our Sir/miss titles for one another as often as possible.

      Certain things cross the boundary between play and daily life, and others appear normal from the outside but have special meaning to us as we’ve talked about how they make us feel and how they shift the balance of power.

      Wherever I can I’ll hold any door for her simply as a nice and gentlemanly thing to do. When I open the car door for her it is understood as a small gesture of my role as Dom and is always greeted with a mischievous smile and often a quick flash of her legs as she gets in or a brushing of her hand against my crotch as she passes.

      When we go out to eat I’ll give her the seat with a wall at its back or in a corner as this makes her feel most comfortable. When we’re playing we’ll both choose our seats so that my lap is in the most concealed spot and she is sitting as close as possible. We get looks of admiration for being out on dinner dates as a married couple and choosing to sit next to each other on one side of a booth. None of those approving of our choice know that they’re smiling at her hidden hand wrapped around me.

      If I pull her close and wrap my arms around her to hold her from behind in our kitchen, at her family’s house, anywhere we find ourselves it’s simply love. When I hold her the same and wrap my hand around her neck, or if I’m tracing her arm and tighten my grip around her wrist, it’s about control and we both get a thrill from the small moment of play, a private unspoken acknowledgment that she is mine and I’ll remind her of that thoroughly when we’re alone later.

      What are your secret messages to each other? How do you let your partner know you’re ready to play?

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