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This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Missy 3 months ago.

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  • #4073

    Precious
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    I am a new sub, in fact havent started my training yet due to some unforeseen circumstances in my Captain’s and my life. My Captain is an experienced Dom but not “trained” in any formal way and describes himself as a “sensuous Daddy Dom”.  We have been learning and exploring together about what might work for both of us and he is really supportive of me. I am so grateful to have found him.

    Anyway, one of the things we have been talking about is contracts. We are exploring not only a sexual relationship but also a long term intimate relationship, which is so rich already having started out in a D/s dynamic that we were both seeking.

    My question to everyone here, since it seems that it is mostly couples on this site, is how important is a contract within a long term relationship? Do any of you have one and what does it look like? Would it be good for us to start out with one as we begin to explore our kink and a life together? Does anyone have any good examples they can share? I have looked around online and it seems the only thing I can find is a checklist sort of thing.

    Thanks for any help!

    Precious

  • #4077

    Beth [MM]
    Participant

    Hi Precious, and welcome.

    Some have contracts and some don’t. It’s really what appeals to you as a couple. If you like things listed in detail then you might like having a contract. It can also serve as a reminder for the things you agree to, limits, etc. The checklists can be nice because you can compare areas of interest and see  how your limits change over time. But a contract isn’t necessary. Starting simple and building slowly is the best way, IMO, with or without a contract. Most of the couples I know don’t have contracts, and my sir and I don’t. Sounds like a good conversation to have with your sir.

  • #4078

    Precious
    Participant

    Thanks Beth!

  • #5780

    KittensSir (kitten)
    Participant

    Four months ago when Kitten and I began this journey, I did a lot of reading. It seemed that contracts were being recommended more than not. Being a business person I found security in writing it all down.

    What resulted fit us at the time. And we added to it as the quarter went on. Protocol, ritual, positions, and a mishmash of rules cobbled together from several places. Checklist, hard limits, the whole gamut…which was good when we were just starting, as our work keeps us apart quite often. Our dynamic has worked that way for 27 years, and it worked well for me to do the first draft, let Kitten express her thoughts, then me accept or adjust as needed.

    When we did our quarterly getaway last month we realized that all together it made for a LOT of stuff! Took us most of an afternoon to review and discuss. I elected to simplify it substantially. I actually just finished the revision yesterday (my lack of getting it done in a timely manner being a symptom of the ebb we’ve been in since mid-August…story for another time).

    There are a lot fewer words, but the meaning of each word is deep and rich in context of our dynamic. Reviewing and consolidating gave me the kick in the seat I needed to Dom up and give my Kitten the consistency she needs and deserves. Having less to enforce means I can enforce better…and now I can spend more time petting the sweaty stuff than sweating the petty stuff!

    The advice to start small and work up? Pure gold for most, I suspect. We’re both people who want the box defined, though, so I don’t regret the way we did it.

    One other note: one reason we’ll always have something in writing is to (we hope) protect … primarily me, I guess … in the case of a mandated reporter seeing something they shouldn’t have. It unambiguously states we each consent to the described relationship and that we each enter into it without duress or coercion. There are busybodies in this world, of course….

  • #5805

    Missy
    Keymaster

    That is an interesting consideration. We began with a contract of sorts, although it was more a declaration of what each of us would do for the other. We then came to the conclusion that we didn’t need anything written down. I know that some couples find them really helpful and benefit from the same process you did in reviewing it and making changes.

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