1. Setting Goals for D/s

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    • #51182
      Missy
      Keymaster

      The first post covers three areas and contains the following reflective questions:

      What sort of Dominant or submissive are you?
      1. What are your Dominant or submissive traits and qualities?
      2. What are the traits and qualities you have which can be a barrier to being Dominant or submissive?

      What do you want from Dominance or submission?
      3. What are the things that you would like from your Dominance or submission?
      Make a list for each of the three areas: thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
      4. What do you want from a Dominant or submissive partner?
      5. How do you see your D/s as working?

      Evaluation and Goal Setting
      6. Which are the areas you want to work on?

      For more details please head to the post: Setting Goals for D/s

    • #51183
      Missy
      Keymaster

      When I started the task, I actually had much more detail than I expected. My plan was to post my thoughts on my blog as well as showing them to HL so I have split it into three parts, using the headings as breaks.

      Part 1: Submissive Traits and Qualities

      Part 2: What I want from being Submissive

      • This reply was modified 1 month, 4 weeks ago by Missy.
      • #51194
        Ellen The Poet
        Participant

        I enjoyed this quite a bit and plan to make it a part of my journaling. In my previous writings, I really wasn’t asking anything as much as I was defining myself. Question two will prove to be a most interesting in ways of discovery. I have only recently found a dominant who calls and claims my submissive side. While I know the all ways I act around others who are less dominant and aware, I have yet to discover where I will attempt to “wriggle,” with him. We have talked of it often, but we are still apart and I am well aware of the differences between virtual behavior and in person behavior. I imagine this will be an ongoing discovery.

        • #51199
          Missy
          Keymaster

          Hi Ellen. Thank you so much for joining in. I look forward to hearing how it goes. I think that this first task should be a good overview but I have come up with lots that I want to work on. I am happy to create tasks which respond to the things that others want to focus on too as I am pretty much creating this as I go. Thanks, missy x

    • #51213
      Ellen The Poet
      Participant

      Hi Missy, (sorry this is so long.)  One thing I know I want to work on is my tendency to evade, wriggle, or circumvent, uncomfortable situations rather than face them honestly, and straight on.  Anything you can come up with in regards to this issue.  I don’t do it as much with my partner, it is something he is sensitive to and will correct. But it is a less than stellar character flaw I am more than willing to see diminish in 2021

      I also need better self-management and organization skills.  This will be more important as I have to divide my time between daily tasks and expectations when I am with my partner.  I’ve never been very good at this type of thing.  And my particular brand of submission would be more than happy to have someone else just take it over and do it for me.  But that isn’t going to happen in this relationship – and also I am self-employed, so I need this. I can take care of myself. Somewhat. But I could be better at it in every area.  I’m not sure if this they type of thing you want to go into. But there are times of singleness, or separation, where these skills become even more important and I often feel like I am just treading water and not making the most of my time.

      I’d also love to track and explore emotional responses to intense interaction and play.   I am new at letting this side of me out to play, and it has been a bit of a roller coaster. Instead of letting this part of my nature free I have protected and ruthlessly hidden it – so some of the emotion and mental aspects of it come out of nowhere for me.

      The last is exploring limits and the reason for limits.  Like you, I must have defined boundaries.  If I don’t, I will bounce off walls until I have felt them all out. I have some of my own limits, but have discovered already that some of my own boundaries are born in preconceived notions and prejudices, or fear based, rather than what I actually don’t like and what I do like.  To be very honest some of my limits are on intimacies I don’t want to like.  Whatever the outcome of the lesson, gaining understanding in this area would be healthy for me. I know that I have the freedom to decide – that I have consent. But this is about me knowing myself, living life to the fullest.  I don’t want to miss out on something that might be wonderful and beautiful because the surface “photo” in my mind has uninformed connotations attached.

      I hope this is what you are asking for. I know you have much planned and I don’t want to step on toes.  These are areas I am working on, that I don’t want to slip away in the busy of life, and some accountability to take time on refection here would be very helpful.

      • #51221
        Missy
        Keymaster

        Hi Ellen, these sound like good things to work on. Did you want me to try to think of something to incorporate them or was it more that you would be focussing on these. I am happy to chat over this at any point. missy x

    • #51436
      Jaymantk421
      Participant

      I am new to all of this, but have always been curious. My sub, wife, has some experience but I am a complete neophyte. I do know I’m an open book and want to learn. So I’m not sure what goals I need or should have. Any advice would be great, thanks.

      • #51442
        Missy
        Keymaster

        I agree with LoveToBeCruel, this is your dynamic so it is about what you want to get from it. Read and research and take the bits you like the sound of and leave the rest – there is no wrong way to do this so find a way that works for you so forget those who preach the one true way. When thinking about goals and rules and rituals we found it better to think about why we wanted to do something. What makes it important for you? If there is a value and a purpose then it will be easier to focus on doing it well. There are lots of great blogs out there so find someone who seems to be in a similar dynamic to yours and see what they have to say. Hope that helps but happy to chat at some point if you wish. Missy x

    • #51437
      Love 2B Cruel
      Participant

      I’d say your first goal is to find out what each of you like and don’t like, what does and does not work for each of you. Listen to chats where people are talking about what they do, read forums and blogs about experiences and reflections on them. Some stuff  will make you perk up with interest, some stuff will make you wonder if people are crazy.

      The “right way” to do this is not what some guy on Net says it is, it’s what you two have talked about, tried, and found that you enjoy.

      Can you name something specific that you’re interested in trying and ask questions you may have?

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