This post is part of our Dom sub workbook and involves using focus questions to look more closely at the foundations of your D/s. If you are starting out in a D/s relationship, or just feel that things are due for a bit of a review then perhaps you would like to join us in reflecting on the foundations of your Dominance and/or submission. If so, please feel free to use the questions below and share your thoughts in the related forum. This is the third part to the workbook but there is no need to stick to the order as it will depend what you want to work on yourself. If you are blogging and intend to post your answers then please use the badge at the bottom of the page to link back to this post.
What are the foundations of your D/s?
The foundations of your relationship are the elements that it is is built upon. Even if you are not currently in a relationship, they should be the things that mark our your Dominance or your submission by being necessary for it to exist and grow. Reflecting on these foundations can be important as it allows you to identify the values that you have and means that you can build some sort of structure and routine around them.
Most healthy relationships are built on honesty, trust, respect and open communication. If you are in a long term relationship then there will also likely be love or an emotional attachment too. Equality is something that comes into many vanilla relationships but within a power exchange this is probably replaced by a feeling of balance or value. Often each of you will work to an agreed role, following an agreed set of behaviours and expectations, but there will need to be a balance of give and take.
1. What are the elements that you need to have as the foundations for your power exchange.
Try to think about the elements you need to have in order to make your power exchange work. In other words, what are the fundamental things which underpin your relationship and allow you to be Dominant or submissive with the other person? If you are not currently in a relationship then what are the aspects that need to be present in order to connect with your Dominant or submissive nature?
2. Are there any barriers or difficulties with your foundations?
For example, previous emotional baggage might be something that changes the way that you respond. It might leave you with particular issues in terms of trust and honesty, for example. We all have individual circumstances which can make things more complicated or challenging: a long distance relationship, one which is online only, a demanding work life, family leaving little privacy or couple time. Are there any personality traits which can get in the way of you behaving in the way that you want to or affect your relationships?
You will have a list of some of these personality traits and potential barriers if you completed the reflection from Part 1 (1. Setting Goals for D/s) and Part 2 (2. Focus questions for working on Dominant submissive mindset). There will likely also be practical things which get in the way: health, life events, work and family demands etc which you may already have identified in the earlier parts.
3. What can you do to work on these things or prevent them from becoming an issue?
While we will focus more specifically on areas such as communication, trust and respect later as they are elements which grow and deepen with time, think about the key things that you need to put in place to ensure that your foundations are met. If you have identified barriers then think about what would help to prevent a potential issue or to support or maintain things working well in this area.
You might find it helpful to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 as to how close you are to reaching your goal in each area currently. Think about what would make a 10 (it has to be achievable within the limitations that you have identified) and how you are going to get there: What are you going to do? What action are you going to take to make this possible?
It is important to check back and evaluate your progress. Some things might seem to improve quickly and others will take more time and as you grow in your own Dominance or submission, your expectations will likely shift too.