The topic this week on The Safeword/s Club is bondage, and while MrH uses many forms of bondage (rope and verbal) I decided to write about the bondage that we place on ourselves. In particular, the things that stop us from saying what we want. For me, it’s fear and lack of self confidence.
It’s over a year now since I plucked up the courage to ask MrH if we could explore BDSM. From there we embarked on journey that has taken our happy marriage to another level. We’re still very early in our journey and one thing I struggle with is communication. I’m aware that this is by no means a universal problem. Some people have no issue in expressing their sexual needs, or wants, to their partners. I am not one of them. Mostly people describe me as chatty. The problem is I’m actually not. I find it very difficult to express my deep needs and wants. I fear rejection so much that I don’t speak up and ask. As MrH said a few months into our new dynamic, “it only took you 21 years to tell me what you wanted”. And in some ways he’s right, but in fairness to myself, I didn’t know it was something I necessarily wanted.
In order to explore BDSM initially it meant a lot of discussion. I had to tell MrH what I wanted to try and what I didn’t. At first I was so embarrassed. I found the only way I could do it was to write it down. I would watch MrH as he read it, hoping he wouldn’t look shocked or horrified. I bought a little diary and wrote in it. Things I liked, things that I worried about, things I wanted to try. I’d ask MrH to read it when there was something I felt he should know. When I moved online to my Blog I stopped my hand written journal. This has meant I’ve had to start talking to Sir directly.
Thankfully throughout he’s been so completely down to earth that I’m getting better and better at asking Sir when I need something specific. MrH says that he can tell when I am building up to say something. I think, I try and practice what I want to say, and worry some more, and think and over think. Some of these worries are due to embarrassment. I feel shame when I ask Sir to play. I also feel that I shouldn’t ask- after all I’m the submissive partner, and I worry that by asking for specific sexual play I’m leading instead of following. Surely I should just wait to be played with?
Thankfully MrH has never said I can’t ask, in fact he has always said that I must ask, I must tell him what I’m thinking or what I want, as he’s not a mind reader. He just cautions me that just because I ask doesn’t mean I’m going to get. He reserves the right to say no. Which is the way I want it. In all I’ve known MrH for nearly 23 years. We have a child and he was in the delivery room. He’s more intimately aware and familiar with my body than I am (after all he can see it more easily than I can) and yet, I find it nearly impossible to say, “please will you do anal play?” Or “don’t stop what you’re doing right now”. Part of me thinks it’s strange that I struggle to say these things, but from talking to other subs I’m not alone.
On top of my emotional issues, there’s a simple conflict that springs up from our D/s dynamic. If I’m the submissive, what right do I have to ask MrH to continue a specific thing? He’s in control. It’s what I asked him to do. So surely during play, it’s wrong for me to demand anything? It’s up to him if I have an orgasm or not. Perhaps he’s deliberately edging me. Perhaps he’s just denying me. I think MrH would like me to tell him that I’m close to orgasm, so he can make that decision, but I don’t. Between the fear of judgement, and fear of overstepping I bind myself into silence.
Having said that, there’s still masses of room for improvement. I hide my face when I’m talking and I’m hesitant. I’d love to be able to just “say” it without having to work myself up to do it. At the same time, MrH has never been verbose so I’ve had to explain to him a number of times that I need feedback from him too. He often forgets to do a after play review, so I will prompt it, by asking if there was anything he particularly enjoyed. Strangely, this I can ask, I’m eager to be perfect for him so if I do something nice I want to know, and it prompts him to ask back. But, as I said earlier, we are still relatively new to this lifestyle and are still learning. Perhaps in another 21 years time I will have learned to speak without hiding my face from embarrassment.