Discreetly showing a D/s-relationship in public

Discreetly showing a D/s-relationship in public

If you are in a 24/7-D/s-relationship, after some time the question may arise as to whether it would be possible to show this way of living a bit in public. People who live this way don’t want to hide their lifestyle completely then, simply because that is who they are. To them, it has become the most normal thing in the world to have a D/s relationship. Showing this relationship by using little details in public, causes others to see you more this way. But how do you find opportunities for discreet D/s?

The good news is…

When this question arises to you, people you meet often will probably already have noticed something. In a D/s relationship there is a special bond of intimacy with a lot of attention for each other. Others can’t put into words what they feel, but notice this intimacy. That the Dom is in charge, and that the sub serves the Dom, is noticed as well, even if it used to be the other way round. The longer you have a 24/7 relationship, the more people will notice this, simply because that is who and how you are.

Nevertheless, applying some tricks does help
  • The tricks that are often given to beginners are ‘the sub opens doors for the Dom and lets the Dom enter first’ and ‘the sub is always walking a bit behind the Dom’. After years, lilith still walks a bit behind me, but (and perhaps because she is walking behind me) opening doors for me does not always work well.

  • Me and lilith like discreet but visible little jewels that refer to BDSM. People look puzzled at them. They wonder what the meaning of the jewel may be. Another plus: when you wear them, you never know that you will meet someone who knows the meaning of it, and will respond… well, where we live, in France, they will question us in the first place. It is funny because a lot of French people know the triskelion as a symbol that is often used to show that they have an affinity with Brittany. But if we answer negatively, they might ask… something else?

  • I always pay the bills.

  • Is the Dom someone who talks a lot, and the sub talks little? Are you the Dom in the foreground, while the submissive is happyily smiling and listening attentively in the background?
    Or conversely, does the Dom say little, and does the sub chat and laugh? Is the Dom the one who keeps the friendly eye of an authority on the sub? In our relationship, I am the one who talks more, lilith is always a bit on the background. But when I think she knows more than I about something, I invite her to talk. Another rule is that when someone addresses her directly, then it is she who answers, without me having to give her my consent first.

  • She always talks softly, that’s nice for us. It gives a submissive impression.

  • I don’t give lilith orders in public, but if I have a suggestion, I say ‘I’d rather’ or ‘I feel like’, and then that will be what will happen – unless lilith has a good reason to doubt my decision. Then I invite her to express herself, and after having listened to her, it is I who decide that we do or not what she suggested. In this way, people gradually become aware that I am in charge.

  • lilith serves me whenever she can. E.g. if I drop a glass of water (or a cup of hot chocolate), she takes care of everything, including that I get a new drink. When people visit us, she remains on the background, provides the guests with drinks and food while I am talking to the guests. She does not hesitate to give me something extra that I like very much on a specially beautiful plate.

  • lilith is a perfectionist, so I’m never short of anything, but it is also handy because that way, people must notice how well she serves me.

This way of behaving may sound like a difficult task, but
  • Pay attention to these things, but don’t force yourself. It flowers while the D/s relationship is growing.
  • It does not have to be serious. lilith has a wonderful sense of humour, we laugh a lot and have fun – and though she stays on the background, she can make everybody laugh! These moments, of course, I let her free to talk because I love the fun myself! A D/s relationship is not a weighty, funereal affair.
The results

In the beginning (and even now) this ‘coming-out’ did not always work well. Once, I’ve been scolded by my sister because I didn’t help lilith who was doing all the work – the changement in attitude had been too brutal. Now, my sister is astonished when I suddenly get up and help lilith. After all, I do care for her? Yes, I do. I even interrupt a conversation with my sister when necessary. I always try to know what lilith is doing, and when she has a problem, I’ll be there.

But what we’d achieved after a while… it was very nice when a friend, who has been our friend for many years, had stayed with us for a week and, when leaving, repeated three times that his stay had been so nice, ‘especially because of our presence’.


Click here for other posts on Living a D/s Lifestyle or here to view the forum thread on this topic.

8 thoughts on “Discreetly showing a D/s-relationship in public

  1. I love this post TA. It is really interesting to be able to read and learn more about your relationship with lilith, but I also think that to have a source of great ideas of things which people can do to show what they are feeling in a subtle way, will be really helpful to others. Thank you for writing this – I am sure readers both new to D/s and the more experienced, will find it useful.

  2. So nice to read how your dynamic works outside if the home. I think many are worried what others may think but ultimately its up to what you are comfortable with.

  3. I liked the post, I was excited to hear that someone was writing about D/s in public which can and is a struggle. I received the notification by email and I quickly showed my sub the email, I told her as soon as we get home I will read the post and hopefully we will have better insight how to address this situation.

    I appreciate the time and effort put into a post for all to view, please understand I am not trying to be critical or criticize. I really was hoping for more information or more public situations which will help deal how we are vs how we need to be. There is outstanding writers in this community so I hope someone address this issues a littler deeper for all to benefit from.


  4. What a great post thank you for sharing I think the more you go out and have your Ds protocols decided upon before you attend an event the easier it is as well. Over the years we have established several different levels of protocol Sir Tex will always let me know before we head out that relieves my nerves and I understand and completely of what is expected of me. Curvey^^

  5. Thank you for having added this tip, Curvey^^. D/s protocols decided upon before the events are indeed a good help. They have helped lillith and me in the beginning of our ‘coming-out’, I think this tip can be valuable for many others as well.
    The different levels of protocol also make sense. lilith an I also have them, but as a lifestyle. We apply them automatically, at home and at events.
    lilith is not nervous, but when she does know how to behave she automatically goes to the background, says little. This corresponds to the person she really is, so it works well.

  6. Very glad to see an honest post on it. I initially posted this question on the forum as we are just starting out to expand beyond the home environment…and there is not much written about it.

    Our practice is similar to Curvey^^ ‘s ..we rely on protocols but only use them when just the two of us go out. We are still a bit cautious to use it on a full-on social gathering …

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: