I think most people understand the concept of discipline whereby training is designed to condition people or animals to behave in certain way. There is also the added element of punishment if the terms are not met.
Despite being a little rebellious as a child, I sought the comfort of discipline that can be found in structure and boundaries. You may disagree that comfort can be found there, however, I have a history of working with young adults who crave such an environment, and had the choice to leave when ever they wanted. I guess I found that too wrapped up in a camouflage uniform, in fact I wore a uniform of some description between the ages of 13 and 40 and was proud to do so.
Before I delve in to D/s and discipline, consider for a moment why large numbers of the armed forces come from broken homes and disrupted communities? Do they enjoy being shouted at, made to push their bodies to the extreme or shine inanimate objects until they can see their face in them? I can tell you the answer is no, generally. It is about knowing where you fit it, your place in the world somewhere you can be recognised for your efforts and not the colour of your skin or the gender you were born with.
So where do Dominants and submissives fall in to this? Well, not far from the discipline tree actually! Managing healthy discipline is about control, direction and development. From a Dom’s perspective this a continual moving machine, something that needs oiling and maintaining. This is no disposable rocket that you can fire and forget. Submissives have a unique mindset in that whilst we like to know where we fit in, they want to be accountable for their place in the world too, and that’s powerful.
How is discipline managed effectively in your relationship? When implemented in ours I have to be very clear as the reasons behind anything I ask of missy. I need her to buy into my plan and see what it is in it for her. Now please don’t be confused by thinking it’s all about her, no, no. She wants to know if she is the primary pleasure receiver, the secondary or a joint experience. You could argue that all events are joint pleasure, but really you know that is not always true and is weighted somewhat. If missy is the main recipient, then she can relax knowing I require nothing from her. If I am the ‘numero uno’ then she can throw her self into the task, and quite often take personal enjoyment from the fact she is doing something for me. I did mention joint experience and that, whilst recognising we are both involved, is more about being involved in an activity that is designed for mutual pleasure primarily, like fucking!
The path I tend to follow with introducing something new is a conversation. Sorry if that disappointed you, but it’s pretty easy. The structure, if you are new to all of this works like this for me;
- This is the current situation or idea (I want to use a new loud toy on you)
- This is what I am doing about it (I have bought the toy and want to use it tonight)
- This is what I would like you to do about it (I want you to let me enjoy myself with it)
- This is what I think we will both get from it (I think it will be fun for us)
Sounds straight forward I admit, however, you need to add these things on to that discussion.
- These are the obstacles I see in doing this. (The kids are home tonight and may hear)
- This is what I have considered in making room for this. (I’ve paid them to go out)
The examples I have given are of course somewhat unrealistic as I would never pay my kids to go out. For a start, they would spend the money and come home early! I’m sure you see how the format would work in other scenarios. So where is the punishment in this discipline I speak of you may wonder? Well for us there is none because we do not use punishments, or have yet to in 8 years. Why you may wonder, well it’s simple. Missy doesn’t break rules. I know, how annoying!
We have had punishments waiting in the wings though.
- Drink your allocated water each day. If not, I will stand and watch you pee as I know it’s humiliating.
- Do not criticise your body shape- it is lovely. If you do I will make you kneel naked in front of the mirror in an unflattering pose.
These I have let these lapse, mainly because missy didn’t drink the water at work and never remembered because she is so busy. I would spend my evenings just watching her pee if that were the case and it would not be humiliating after a while. The impact is the thought of being watched not the actual act. As for the body image, well missy just stopped making negative comments, so I guess that is a bonus!
My final words on the subject is that discipline is not about the stick, it’s more the carrot, or the concept that carrots are good. Getting someone on board with your idea, to join a common cause, is a far more effective way of shaping a disciplined person. That is how the military work, using a common goal, team work, self belief in what they are doing is right. I mean, how else do you get men to ride their horses at charge into battle?
( Scotland Forever! is an 1881 oil painting by Lady Butler depicting the start of the charge of the Royal Scots Greys, a British cavalry regiment that charged alongside the British heavy cavalry at the Battle of Waterloo in 1815.)