sex toys - picture of a weird sex toySo you want to buy a sex toy?  Well, like a princess, you will probably have to kiss a few frogs before finding the right one for you.  The right sex toys for you are about as individual as your finger prints.  The problem is, many of the toys are made for mass production and can be so generic that the consumer ends up disappointed. I can say from experience that I have thrown away more toys than kept.  My biggest error was buying too many.  There are only so many hands and holes!
So, how does one find the right toy for you?  I suppose the answer could lay in the following questions:

  1. What do you want it to do?
  2. What should it be made of?
  3. Do you have any allergies? (plastics, silicon etc.)
  4. How much can you afford?

There are of course many other questions you need to ask yourself in narrowing down the right toys for you, however, these are your opening ones.

What do you want it to do?  That may seem an obvious question, and yet, despite knowing what you want, how do you know if it can meet your needs?

What should it be made of? This is a personal and practical question. You may love the feel of glass, steel or smooth coated plastic. It is what feels the best to you and is made of safe materials.

Do you have allergies?  Some cheaper toys are made of toxic waste. Okay I exaggerate somewhat, however, there are some mass producers that use low grade materials in plastic, rubber and silicone.  If you use one, allergies or not, there is a possibility you will have a negative reaction.  Synthetic rubber can sweat the chemicals it is made from. Would you poor crude oil over your vagina or penis? Mmmmm, I thought not!

4. How much can you afford?  With sex toys you often get what you pay for, although I would say that applies more to the lower end of the market. Cheap usually equals low quality and yet expensive can buy you something so fantastically clever it’s a waste of time!


Fortunately there is help, and lots of it.  The sex industry has a wealth of knowledge with independent reputable sex toy  reviewers. These folks are not tied to the main sites and will give a fair review based on a wide range of criteria. Emmeline Peaches and Candy Snatch have reviewed thousands of toys over the years and are a safe pair of hands.  Please use these resources as we can vouch for them in providing a balanced opinion and being nice people!

Good luck, take your time and enjoy the ride!




When you initially go online to meet new people, it is easy to get sucked into the belief that everyone wants to be nice, and is generally good. This is a mistake- here is why:


-Possibility of ID theft

-Possibility of catfishing

-Possibility of blackmail or otherwise personally harmful incidence

-Invasion of privacy or personal life


The BDSM community is already shrouded in secrecy and identity concealment, and a majority of the vanilla world will not accept or understand the dynamics we exist in. By going online, and creating accounts, you are taking a risk that the people you meet are trustworthy. And while a majority of the people we have met have been generally kind and fun, we have met our share of unstable, and dishonest individuals. This leads us to some ground rules for creating online profiles, and making friends online.


  1. When creating online profiles, NEVER use personally identifying information such as your real name, address or location, personal contact information (this means you need to make a separate email that is not your real name, or personal or work email)
  2. When making friends online, verify who they are by obtaining photographic or video evidence before sharing information that could damage your personal life in any way
  3. Do not share photos of your face, family, location, etc. without first knowing that you can either delete the content if you become uncomfortable, or verifying who you are sharing said information with
  4. Go with your gut- if something feels funny, it probably is. Do not continue to push yourself into murky waters if you do not feel confidently safe and secure


These are mere guidelines- overall you need to use common sense. And this is not to say that all interactions should be met with suspicion. Just remember to protect yourself. If you want more information on, or want to refresh yourself on, the community rules, click here.


When you make friends online, and you are trying to get to know them, there are many red flags you can look for when ascertaining their authenticity. A few are listed below:


  1. They will not send photos or video call, and are persistently asking you to do those, or ask you to share more information than they are willing to share
  2. They seem too good to be true- their experiences seem more like fiction, or their photos look more like models
  3. They have limited, repetitive experience and information about themselves
  4. They have really problematic lives to the extent that they seem to need help, advice, or money frequently
  5. They claim to have high profile jobs or hobbies, such as being a doctor, or international spy
  6. They use reverse psychology, gaslighting, or preemptive defense- “I am so nice, supportive, successful, helpful”- they use adjectives to describe themselves to make themselves more likeable, and do it frequently, when they really aren’t those things. They act hurt that you suspect they aren’t who they purport to be, deny wrongdoing, or call you crazy.
  7. Your conversations are so much about you, that they never share about themselves
  8. There are holes in their story that you don’t want to question for fear of upsetting them, or pushing them away
  9. They seem to be everywhere all the time
  10. They purport to be an expert without the ability to back up experiences with facts
  11. They insist on receiving sexual photos, rush into a sexual relationship, bully you into doing things you may not be comfortable with


What you can do if you suspect a catfish:


  1. Report them to site administrators
  2. Ask to video call
  3. Reverse image search their photos, google search the contact information you have for them
  4. Pull away and protect yourself
  5. Be careful- if they seem volatile, or have personal or damning information about you, it may not serve to make a scene. In these situations, it is best to contact the site administration
  6. Report the individuals to your local authorities, if it applies. In the United States, catfishing is illegal in many states, especially if the person is using photos of another person, even if they are not using their name. These crimes are punishable with jail time, fines, etc.
  7. Do your research! Read online about red flags in relationships, and ask for help when you need it.


Remember: NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE CATFISHES. Most aren’t. This post is merely to help you identify red flags, and advise you on steps to take in those instances. Have fun and be safe!

For more of our posts, visit us at Married and Owned

This is a post that I wrote last year and posted on submissybut it seemed to fit with the ones on consent and on roleplay which were posted here already.


Sir and I have talked for a while about trying some ‘resistance play’. We both like the idea of a bit of a struggle and thought it might be something different to experiment with. We hadn’t really talked fully about this and the ways that we might work it into our scenes and play in order to explore it, but I guess that it was floating around somewhere in the background. Anyway, as I said earlier, as part of his birthday celebrations Sir had requested a return visit from Elf. For those of you who follow my blog you may remember that the naughty Elf was a gift on Day 16 as part of my submissive advent calendar. I realise that I never actually posted about the antics that took place, although I know that Sir did include some details on his blog, but I think that he enjoyed the naughty and cheeky way that elf behaved and was looking for a re-run. I should point out here that elf is not really like the usual me and is also not particularly submissive, so there is definitely a bratty, pleasure driven side in there somewhere just waiting to get out when the time is right.


So it happened that as a naughty elf was walking in the woods last Saturday, it came upon a beast. Not one to be scared easily, the elf did not immediately run and hide, but approached the beast with some sense of bravado and demanded to know what it what it was doing. Elf commented on the beast’s lack of fur but began to stroke it regardless. Elf noticed then, that the beast had a front tail and the stroking of this, and the area surrounding it, appeared to arouse the beast somewhat. The beast then declared that he would have the elf and show it the full magnitude of his marvellous front tail. Elf being elf was intrigued but was far too playful to give in without a fight. And so, a struggle ensued whereby the beast tried to use his strength and brute force to conquer the elf, and the elf tried to wriggle and squirm its way from the beast’s grasp, distracting the beast with rude and foul remarks designed to make the beast lose his concentration and throw him off his game.


The tale of the elf and the beast in the woods is a much longer one than this of course, and it took a few unexpected twists and turns along the way! But suffice to say that the issue of consensual non-consent was a large part. In order for there to be a struggle , there had to be a battle of wills and also of strength. Both the actions and the words used had to communicate this in order for it to really work. Fortunately our hotel room was at the end of a quiet corridor and, being a sunny afternoon, there were also fewer people around. However, had anyone chanced upon our door, they would have deduced from the squeals and the words exchanged and the tone of voice and the thuddy movements and sounds of combat, that this was not a consensual exchange. Did elf say that what it wanted was to be roughly taken by the beast? No of course not for where would the fun be in that? Rather the thrill of the chase and charge of the struggle and the heat that was caused by the exchange added to the final submission when the fight was over and the elf, huffing and panting, finally had to submit to a greater power.


Perhaps the role play here gave us the freedom to explore by tapping into lesser used parts of our characters, but really this is just an extension of what we often do. Even HisLordship and missy pull on different connections than those that P and E draw on to function within their different roles. We are husband and wife, Dom and sub, and everything else in between. We can become so lost in the vanilla people that we also are, that it can be good to release and forget those characters for others who are more carefree and fun and more focussed on mutual pleasure. I think that even without the cloak of beast and the elf, we enjoyed the struggle and the resistance, and this is something that we fully intend to explore again in a number of different forms.


Being taken with force appeals to me on so many levels. I like to feel small and vulnerable and to be reminded of Sir’s strength and power. I find it so sexy when he ‘forces’ me whether that is in terms of the physical, or simply in asserting his will over me. I also like the roughness and aggression that the abandoning of regular convention brings out in him and I can actually see the dark desire in his eyes. There is a feeling of safe danger, which I know is an oxymoron, but so many of the feelings I experience through this are seeming polar opposites which actually merge together to create something new. Giving consent to be used by Sir as, when and how he likes was a clear part of my submission from the outset. In fact, it was actually something that I had fantasised about for a while and something I saw as being a key part of the relationship, even the before D/s.


Was consent present at the time? Yes without doubt it was. Did we sit down at that moment and discuss and agree that what was to take place was the feigning of consent in order to further our scene? No we didn’t because we didn’t need to and that would have spoilt it. We know each other well enough to know that we are not crossing any boundaries that we don’t both want to cross together, and this is because we are dedicated to continual open and honest communication with one another that has allowed us to reach this point. The love, respect and trust is there and so we are both able to let go and enjoy each other in complete safety. That is consensual non-consent and the beauty of it is that it gives you the freedom to let go of many of the societal norms that would usually hold you back, and just let go and enjoy the more primal part of yourself and of your partner.

Consent is a serious topic and it is a complicated and contentious area in BDSM. For us consent is always present unless a safe word is used, but in reality Sir would never ask me to do something that I didn’t want to. The level of trust we have is huge and it means that consent is not really something that we think about, so for me personally, I take a pretty relaxed view. At work, however, I have to make sure that young people understand the importance of making sure that consent in present at the time. We also make sure that they know what the law surrounding sex and consent means for them. One of the great resources we use compares consent to having a cup of tea and this helps to make the point. So I suppose I want to make it clear that what I am writing about here is about how consent works in our D/s marriage, and to make the point that I don’t advocate this being appropriate for other types of relationship, and that I realise our practices may leave us on the wrong side of the law, if it ever came to that.


Speaking of the law, I do think that it is wrong that couples engaging in BDSM could be prosecuted for ‘inflicting harm on another person,’ if that activity falls within agreed limits that are consensual. I would argue that whether or not I am left with the bruises and marks from a cane or any other implement, done within the context of our scene, what was carried out was not harmful but part of the way we are showing and celebrating our love. I also think it is wrong that if someone can punch the life out of someone else in a boxing ring and that sort of harm is condoned as being sport, or that someone can cut through another person’s skin and tissue to carry out unnecessary cosmetic surgery and that is condoned as being a surgical procedure, that what we do would not be given the same legal standing. When there is no legal issue from the harm caused from tattoos or piercings, quite why the bruising on my spanked bottom would cause so much contention, I am not really sure.


However, the law and public opinion aside, consent works differently for us than for some other couples. If I say ‘no!’ then it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘no!’ If I say ‘I don’t want to!’ it doesn’t necessarily mean that ‘I don’t want to!’ If I say ‘stop!’ then it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘stop!’, so I do see why some people feel it is confusing. The thing is that in BDSM you have to understand the other person, be aware of their needs and wants, and also of their limits. Add to that the trust that all of this will be communicated, respected and observed and clearly you are dealing with something much more complex than it may at first appear. Obviously there are never any guarantees so I should point out that to protect us both, if I say ‘red’, it will all stop. This will be immediate and absolute and until a proper discussion has taken place and we have agreed how we are going to move forward, any previous agreement is on hold. As a testament to the way things work in a D/s marriage like ours, calling ‘red’ is not something that I really have to do and have never done it during a scene or kinky play, but it is there as a safety measure nonetheless, and is a key control to have when you are doing things which could ‘inflict harm on another person.’


So why say ‘no’, or ‘don’t’, or ‘stop’ if you don’t mean it? Well I think there are a couple of reasons for this. The first is that there is a huge grey area between what the brain wants to limit and what it wants to experience. I suppose it is due to our need to protect ourselves, and we respond to our anxiety in order to do that. Sometimes you are caught up in the fight or flight reaction when your brain wants to either halt everything by freezing to let the danger pass, or let your body take over and run for your life to escape it. This is all well and good when the danger is real, but when it is only perceived, I think that we can limit ourselves by responding to it. My own hangups and fears would certainly restrict the choices I made if I let them. And sometimes, that is exactly what I do. Sir knows this and so sometimes if I have a little shove, a little bit of reassurance and a bigger purpose (pleasing him), I can push past my own limits to experience something new that I will really enjoy.


The second reason, is that it is fun. A lot Domination and submission, especially in play and scenes, is about theatre. You know that you are safe, but the fear of the unknown can pump you full of adrenaline which gives the whole thing a bit of thrill. To pull against your bonds and realise that you are stuck in a vulnerable position brings excitement; to allow yourself to be played by a mindfuck means that you can experience things in a way that differs to your norm. Essentially, you can keep it all fresh and new and exciting, and in a sexual sense, to be able to do this in a long term relationship is a little bit like finding the holy grail. Everything in D/s play is heightened – your senses, your emotions and therefore, consequentially, your experiences.


Essentially a lot of it is illusion which is why I think that many find it so difficult to understand. The submissive standing naked in the corner knows that her Dominant does not see her as inferior to him. The submissive being told she must endure just five more strikes, knows that she is going to feel pleasure and not pain. A true Dominant can not be compared to someone who is willingly inflicting pain on someone. He does what he does out of love and with the highest regard for the safety, for the well-being and for the pleasure of the submissive, and this is what is often not seen or understood. Ultimately both parties know that the pain, the humiliation and the fear will translate into pleasure and safety and love. But often in order to experience these things, you have to let go of the things that hold you back, and giving consent to another person to allow you to do this, is one way that works for a number of people.


It is only within the safety of the consent that is part of D/s, that Sir and I have really been able to explore who we are. My nature is more cautious and less impulsive than I would sometimes like and, in the past, this has held me back and prevented me from admitting to some of the things I really wanted to experience. Sir is by nature caring and protective, so for him the same is true as it is only really within the structure of the D/s that he has felt safe to explore and enjoy some of the things that involve his darker more deviant side. Through all of this we have built an intimacy and closeness that means that we pretty much know what the other needs and wants, so to have to go back to a more conventional interpretation of consent would mean communicating in a completely different way which would be a backwards step for our relationship.


Originally posted on 

In the relationship we have, consent is taken as a given.  This is because we trust each other and communicate fully with one another.  We have discussed limits, both hard and soft, and we make sure that we revisit these often.  We talk after each scene or play session and will go over what worked well and what didn’t.  We talk about how we felt both physically and emotionally and Sir will use that to inform future play, and the direction that we take.  We are both of an age to have had a variety of life experiences, not all good, and have talked through things which could be, and have been, triggers.  Sometimes it is not obvious that something will trigger a response and if this has happened we have stopped and talked about it, either adapting things and continuing, or choosing not to carry on depending on the circumstances.


In building the anticipation of a scene, Sir will always give me an idea of what he has in store.  This is good as it allows me to be in the right head space, but also means that I can raise any concerns that I might have.  During a scene he will communicate with me all of the time, telling me what he wants and expects from me, but also asking questions which will let him know how I am doing.  He checks in with me throughout and when we first started we also used a number scale to rate pain and pleasure so that he got used to my limits and could gauge what my responses meant.  These days he can tell from my breathing, the way my muscles move or my toes curl etc how I am doing.  He will still ask but he is able to read the signs as well. At the beginning of a scene, Sir will remind me of my safewords and ask me to use them if I need to. I have rarely had cause to ‘red’ and stop things but I have used a ‘yellow’ on a few occasions so that he knows I am struggling and, depending on the situation, he will either reassure me and slow down, or ask me to talk to him about what I am finding hard.


We do not have a contract and I know that for some, our arrangement might not be robust enough.  But we are a married couple who have known each other for 10 years.  We share everything and have invested everything into building a life together.  We have trusted each other with our children and that trust has allowed us to grow into a strong family unit together.  Our relationship has so many more facets than just our D/s and we are reliant on each other daily.  We have woven a life together, which this dynamic has enhanced, but we would be together with or without it so I think that sometimes I don’t make it clear that safety and consent is an ever present thing.  Sir takes my safety, as his wife and as his submissive, seriously.  In order to focus on meeting the needs of another and put that before your own needs, you have to have complete trust in the other person and we are lucky in that respect. This means that we both feel safe and while I know that being married offers no guarantees, we are both investing all that we have into making ours work.


I have said a number of times that D/s offers me an intensity and intimacy that I had craved for a long time.  Those feelings, while taking you to the highest of highs, can also leave you emotionally, and sometimes physically, vulnerable.  At the end of a scene, Sir will spend time on aftercare.  During this time he will take care of any physical needs that I have, including rubbing cream into my skin to limit bruising, making sure that I have had some water, am warm etc.  He knows that I am needy of his closeness too so he will hold me tightly so that I can feel his presence. He will keep me like this as I slowly come down.  Sometimes we will drift off to sleep for a bit if our scene has lasted for a long time as often we are both exhausted.  He will check that I am ok and, when I am back with him, I will check that he is ok too.  I will always thank him as I appreciate what he does for me and know how lucky I am.  Following a scene I will feel like I am completely his and I can be quite needy of him; he understands that and will try to keep close.  I hope that this has clarified things a bit.  What I write about requires complete trust that can only come from a strong emotional connection and the knowledge that your emotional and physical welfare is being taken care of.  The need for things to be consensual and safe, and for there to be proper care taken afterwards, cannot be stressed enough, and those are key requisites for a D/s relationship.


Originally posted on submissy