This is a post that I wrote last year and posted on submissybut it seemed to fit with the ones on consent and on roleplay which were posted here already.

 

Sir and I have talked for a while about trying some ‘resistance play’. We both like the idea of a bit of a struggle and thought it might be something different to experiment with. We hadn’t really talked fully about this and the ways that we might work it into our scenes and play in order to explore it, but I guess that it was floating around somewhere in the background. Anyway, as I said earlier, as part of his birthday celebrations Sir had requested a return visit from Elf. For those of you who follow my blog you may remember that the naughty Elf was a gift on Day 16 as part of my submissive advent calendar. I realise that I never actually posted about the antics that took place, although I know that Sir did include some details on his blog, but I think that he enjoyed the naughty and cheeky way that elf behaved and was looking for a re-run. I should point out here that elf is not really like the usual me and is also not particularly submissive, so there is definitely a bratty, pleasure driven side in there somewhere just waiting to get out when the time is right.

 

So it happened that as a naughty elf was walking in the woods last Saturday, it came upon a beast. Not one to be scared easily, the elf did not immediately run and hide, but approached the beast with some sense of bravado and demanded to know what it what it was doing. Elf commented on the beast’s lack of fur but began to stroke it regardless. Elf noticed then, that the beast had a front tail and the stroking of this, and the area surrounding it, appeared to arouse the beast somewhat. The beast then declared that he would have the elf and show it the full magnitude of his marvellous front tail. Elf being elf was intrigued but was far too playful to give in without a fight. And so, a struggle ensued whereby the beast tried to use his strength and brute force to conquer the elf, and the elf tried to wriggle and squirm its way from the beast’s grasp, distracting the beast with rude and foul remarks designed to make the beast lose his concentration and throw him off his game.

 

The tale of the elf and the beast in the woods is a much longer one than this of course, and it took a few unexpected twists and turns along the way! But suffice to say that the issue of consensual non-consent was a large part. In order for there to be a struggle , there had to be a battle of wills and also of strength. Both the actions and the words used had to communicate this in order for it to really work. Fortunately our hotel room was at the end of a quiet corridor and, being a sunny afternoon, there were also fewer people around. However, had anyone chanced upon our door, they would have deduced from the squeals and the words exchanged and the tone of voice and the thuddy movements and sounds of combat, that this was not a consensual exchange. Did elf say that what it wanted was to be roughly taken by the beast? No of course not for where would the fun be in that? Rather the thrill of the chase and charge of the struggle and the heat that was caused by the exchange added to the final submission when the fight was over and the elf, huffing and panting, finally had to submit to a greater power.

 

Perhaps the role play here gave us the freedom to explore by tapping into lesser used parts of our characters, but really this is just an extension of what we often do. Even HisLordship and missy pull on different connections than those that P and E draw on to function within their different roles. We are husband and wife, Dom and sub, and everything else in between. We can become so lost in the vanilla people that we also are, that it can be good to release and forget those characters for others who are more carefree and fun and more focussed on mutual pleasure. I think that even without the cloak of beast and the elf, we enjoyed the struggle and the resistance, and this is something that we fully intend to explore again in a number of different forms.

 

Being taken with force appeals to me on so many levels. I like to feel small and vulnerable and to be reminded of Sir’s strength and power. I find it so sexy when he ‘forces’ me whether that is in terms of the physical, or simply in asserting his will over me. I also like the roughness and aggression that the abandoning of regular convention brings out in him and I can actually see the dark desire in his eyes. There is a feeling of safe danger, which I know is an oxymoron, but so many of the feelings I experience through this are seeming polar opposites which actually merge together to create something new. Giving consent to be used by Sir as, when and how he likes was a clear part of my submission from the outset. In fact, it was actually something that I had fantasised about for a while and something I saw as being a key part of the relationship, even the before D/s.

 

Was consent present at the time? Yes without doubt it was. Did we sit down at that moment and discuss and agree that what was to take place was the feigning of consent in order to further our scene? No we didn’t because we didn’t need to and that would have spoilt it. We know each other well enough to know that we are not crossing any boundaries that we don’t both want to cross together, and this is because we are dedicated to continual open and honest communication with one another that has allowed us to reach this point. The love, respect and trust is there and so we are both able to let go and enjoy each other in complete safety. That is consensual non-consent and the beauty of it is that it gives you the freedom to let go of many of the societal norms that would usually hold you back, and just let go and enjoy the more primal part of yourself and of your partner.

We recently had a chat at The SafeworD/s Club about Roleplay. In my preamble to the topic I described roleplay as the marmite of BDSM as people either seem to love or to hate it. It turned out that most of us who attended the chat were fans, although we’d all had some good, as well as bad scenes and all felt that there were limits as well as secrets to what would or wouldn’t work. No one wants to fall off the stage, or be left in front of an audience with their trousers down, so I thought that I would share what has and hasn’t worked for us.  

 

HisLordship and I do like roleplay. We have found that it is a good way to introduce new things and to push our own boundaries a bit. We started with school girl scenes, introduced medical scenes and really took it from there. In fact, Sir has even said at times that in the early stages he felt a bit like being a Dom was another role that he was playing. Thankfully since then it has become a lot more natural for him, but I think there is still an element of tapping into that sort of head-space so that he can think and feel as he wants to do. This will happen more often when we are having a high protocol scene and he is being quite formal and issuing lots of instructions. 

 

I think it is important too, when choosing a role, to find something that you feel at least a bit comfortable with. While you may be using roleplay to push your boundaries and fulfil the kinky desires of your partner, for me, it would need to be a role that I could relate to. The ones that are most successful for me are ones where my vulnerability is heightened and also ones where there is some humiliation. That is because these things turn me on anyway so it is easier for me to let go and be responsive to it. I am always submissive in the bedroom so a role where I have to take the lead will be much more challenging for me and will mean that I am more likely to stay in my head instead of letting go. 

 

Passive roles work usually work if you are a sub because most of us are able to follow instruction and be led in the right direction. But part of roleplay is about providing something different than the role that you would usually take. Whatever the role, you need to allow the other person to explore their kink in a way that they would not be able to usually; this is the difference between roleplay and what is your own dynamic. Even with a relatively passive role, such as a slave girl,  you will probably still need to tap into the inner part of yourself that your Sir is looking for and respond to him in that way.  Playing the role of a school girl or a bunny or a slave is not the same as identifying as a little or a pet or indeed being in a M/s dynamic.

 

I have found that often roles which seem to be quite close in terms of what they require can actually be further apart for me that HisLordship might think. There are subtle differences in the way that I see myself and rather than tap into something positive inside, it can actually tap into my inner fears. We had a disastrous scene where he wanted me to be a porn actress auditioning while he filmed me. This was so far removed from anything I would do that my confidence to see it through just fell away. I ended up in a bit of a downward spiral and had to be scooped up and taken in a different direction. So ‘no’ to the porn actress but ‘yes’ to the private dancer. ‘No’ to the high class hooker but ‘yes’ to the courtesan. 

 

This confused me for a while but I have come to see roleplay more as having to fit in with who I am. As a person I think many of us wear different faces for the different roles we have in life and really a role with a sexual theme is no different. As with anything it is about finding the path where your fantasies cross with each other so that you can more easily explore them together. It is thinking about the things you would like to try but are afraid to, and working out if hiding yourself under a different mask will allow you to do that in a way that will mean you can break down the usual barriers which allow you resist. 

 

Roleplay has allowed us to touch on consensual non-consent, primal play, age play, pet play and objectification and realise that these are areas that we would like to explore further. It is an easy vehicle to do this as it can be discussed beforehand so that you have an idea of how your partner will react, but because you are ‘not actually you’, it is easy to let go and take things further than you might usually. For me one of the things that I love is being able to get out of my own head and leave the thoughts that hold me back there behind. If you can escape into this new role then I find that is a relatively easy way to achieve this sort of freedom of mind and action. 

 

If you are just starting out with roleplay then I would suggest thinking about the kind of personality you have and the sorts of things that you like. Do you lean towards the bratty? Do you get excited by fear? Do you like to feel vulnerable or to be overpowered? Are you passive or active? Do you like pain and torture? Do you want to be worshipped or want to be tamed? I think that if you are able to dig deep to find what makes you work then you will be more able to bring that to the discussion about suitable roles and scenarios and then more able to bring yourself to the role that is chosen.

 

We do talk before trying a new roleplay scene, however, this is usually in general terms. We never follow a script although there may be something to set the context, such as a scenario, some dialogue or some instructions which will help to get us started. We will ad-lib from there and go with it together which is why it is important to have something that we can relate to. We usually have quite open ideas and expectations and that fits with the sorts of scenes that we have and the sort of Dominant that Sir is. A Dom who was more particular in expectations would likely have more structure and more instructions so that their desires were met that way. 

 

Because of the way we spark off each other, we have often found that things have come up during role play which we have gone on to discuss after, and then explore and incorporate in our other scenes and play. It isn’t that we go out of our way to keep things hidden usually, but sometimes we have discovered interests and kinks which we didn’t really know were there. In this way we have been able to push our limits a little which is always quite an exhilaration experience. 

 

I guess like every other type of kink and BDSM play, roleplay is something that you either want to do or don’t. Some will enjoy it and find it a good fit and others will prefer to stick with the things that do it for them. I think that, while you need to make sure that you are safe and sane and consensual, it is always good not to take yourself or the activity too seriously. The point is to have fun with it and through that shared pleasure to build a deeper connection with each other. Most of our roleplay will end in sex and at some point along the way, the role will probably take a back seat to the events that are happening and the mask will fall away as we arrive at our destination. 

Anal play is something that I have posted about a bit on submissy but as anal sex was the prompt for Kink of the Week I thought that I would add my thoughts here too. Anal was something that I had thought about before HisLordship, but had never been with anyone who had suggested it, so like with most things I kept my fantasies hidden and didn’t suggest it either. I knew Sir for quite while before we were together and the first time we were in bed together he asked if he could put his finger in my arse. I said yes and in a deep, low whisper directly into my ear he told me just to relax. I melted, did as instructed and at that point I knew that this relationship was different to the ones I had been in before.  I think we both knew pretty quickly that it was something we had to hold on to, and were excited to explore the hidden fantasies that we had both held silently for so long, enjoying the kink and finally arriving at the D/s dynamic we have today.

In one of the early blog posts on submissy I wrote about the fact that HisLordship asked me to practice 9 positions of submission. What we did was to use one a week and I would get myself into position each evening before bed. He would then tweak and alter my position until it was to his liking. Sometimes it led to further play and sometimes not but we found it useful as a reference point for when he wanted to instruct me at another time and I leant exactly what he wanted.  A few people have asked me for the positions so, below, are the ones we used.  I know that there are a lot of other versions if you google and I think that the best idea is to find what works for you and pleases you both.  Continue reading “9 Positions of Submission”

THE FOLLOWING POST IS NOT AN ADVERTISEMENT TO PROMOTE BREATH PLAY. THE ACTIVITY CAN BE DANGEROUS AND POTENTIALLY FATAL. THE INFORMATION BELOW IS OPEN SOURCE MATERIAL AND IS NOT DESIGNED AS AN INSTRUCTIONAL – THE SAFEWORD/S CLUB ACCEPTS NO LIABILITY FOR THE ACTIONS OF INDIVIDUALS WHO PARTICIPATE IN HIGH RISK BASED SEXUAL PLAY.    

Breath play is controlling someone’s breath; their ability to breathe. This can be done by the 3 S’s: strangulation, suffocation and smothering. It can be done alone or with a partner(s). It is not recommended that you do this type of play alone since auto-erotic asphyxiation (choking oneself) is high risk and it is one of the most popular ways in which people die in sexual activities. Continue reading “Hypoxphilia (Breath Play)”

There are times when I need to be broken by him, taken apart and ripped wide open. There are times when he needs to break me, take me apart and rip me open. The deepest and deliciously darkest of these times are those where our dual needs smash into each other, meeting each other on a collision course towards raw intimacy and vulnerability.

 

Through extensive and challenging therapy, months and years here and there picking apart the bones of the shitstorm that was my childhood and the life long effects, it appears what I live with is Complex PTSD, something I’ve touched upon in other writings. Each month along slinks PMDD, a brutal duo that hulk out and go to town on me. I’ve recently discovered there is a recognised comorbidity between the two which piques my interest and certainly explains a lot, if I didn’t have to deal with the combined feels they bring. Continue reading “Holding Space”

When we first started out, HisLordship and I looked over a limits list together.  It is really important in a D/s relationship that you are aware of what each other’s limits are.  The open communication you have together mean that it is usually not a difficult thing to discuss and it can actually be a great way of working through any embarrassment that you may have. We actually had a lot of fun doing it and it was also quite hot to be talking and thinking about all of the things that we might one day do together. 

Dominants will be referred to as male and submissives referred to as female in this post because that’s easiest for me to write about.

Tickle torture which is also called knismolagnia or titillagnia or knismophilia. Tickle torture is where the Dom tickles the sub to reinforce his dominance and her submission or to punish the sub. It causes the sub to lose control of herself and provides a continuous sensation compared to other types of play. The Chinese used tickling as a form of torture to get information from soldiers from other lands. Continue reading “Tickle Torture”

What is a cuckold?

A cuckold is man who finds pleasure in seeing his wife (or partner) having sex with other men, this can be a form of emotional/mental masochism for the cuckold. Therefore, cuckolding is when the cuckold and his partner engage in a session in which his partner is being fucked by other men and he watches. For this kind of kink to work, they must be some sort of commitment between the cuckold and his partner but not necessarily marriage. The cuckold is aware that the session is going to happen and helps arrange it, which can be a turn on for them to put an ad out asking for men to fuck his partner while he watches and may even include a few pics of his partner so the interested men could know exactly what they are getting themselves into…literally! Continue reading “Cuckolding”