There are times when I need to be broken by him, taken apart and ripped wide open. There are times when he needs to break me, take me apart and rip me open. The deepest and deliciously darkest of these times are those where our dual needs smash into each other, meeting each other on a collision course towards raw intimacy and vulnerability.


Through extensive and challenging therapy, months and years here and there picking apart the bones of the shitstorm that was my childhood and the life long effects, it appears what I live with is Complex PTSD, something I’ve touched upon in other writings. Each month along slinks PMDD, a brutal duo that hulk out and go to town on me. I’ve recently discovered there is a recognised comorbidity between the two which piques my interest and certainly explains a lot, if I didn’t have to deal with the combined feels they bring. Continue reading “Holding Space”

Having experienced a few bumps, humps and black holes during our relationship, Missy and I have never lost sight of who we are. I admit that we worried quite a lot early on when things got in the way and we were not being the ‘perfect’ Dominant or submissive, or so we were led to believe.

We are not alone with regard to such dilemmas and I understand that, however, I do feel compassion for others who beat themselves up when they cannot behave as they would like to because of life’s obstacles.  This may go against the grain for some people, and your kink is your kink as it is said, however, your D/s dynamic is only a part of who you are. For some it is a strong foundation that without it their relationship would fall apart, some it is the glue that makes life much better and for others it is the icing on the cake that occasionally they stick their finger into!  If you took D/s away from your relationship would you no longer be together in that instant?  I would argue that the answer is no, as these things take time to work out; and things such as illness, bereavement, family issues and all manner of challenges should only be a small hump in the road and not a sink hole.

Before taking a person over an obstacle course, the safest way is to walk the entire length of the course and demonstrate the best and safest way to tackle each one. There should even an opportunity to try each one out before running at it full speed.  I see D/s a bit like that in terms of managing things that could get in way.  For us, a major hurdle was having my parents stay a few months into our D/s journey. My Dad wanted to be in charge of the family and to keep the peace I allowed that. Missy commented afterwards that she didn’t like having two Doms, particularly when the other one is her Father-in-Law!  We soon learnt that when new things faced us, we would discuss what negative issues could affect us. Regular things like illness we take in our stride; we have no high expectations of each other when ill. You feel like crap, want to get better and to be cared for.  There is no play involved, no damaged egos and certainly no self-flagellation because you feel like you are not being the perfect partner.

So for us it’s important to have expectations and yet we accept that life is not perfect and neither, are we!

In a recent chat event on the SWC many subs were interested to hear about Dom Drop, what that felt like for a Dom and what caused it.  I was asked to write something on the subject, so here goes!

Before I touch on my own personal experience, I decided to do a little research on what the rest of the internet thought on the subject, and I was a little bit surprised.  I watched 5 videos giving a view and read 5 random articles, all of which were very different in their interpretation. It should be noted that 17 of the samples were written or presented by subs! Continue reading “Dom Drop”

Recently we had a Topic Chat about sub drop and Dom drop which was quite interesting so I thought that I would  follow it up with a post about it. Drop (sometimes called sub drop or Dom drop) is an experience with characteristics which can be similar to depression or withdrawal. It occurs after an intense scene and is usually caused by adrenaline and endorphin crashes following the scene. The feelings associated with drop can be physical such as tiredness, a headache or even flu-like symptoms, but can also be more emotional such as feeling needy, low in mood or tearful. Drop affects different people in different ways and can depend on a number of factors, such as what sort of play has taken place, what aftercare there has been, and what the level of contact between the two of you is in the days to come. 

1311171I read a post today by Xtac who told the tale of  his recent journey through an airport and the people he met along the way.

I too am a people watcher. I worked at an airport for 20 years and everyday was a smorgasbord of human interaction.  In recent years I have travelled a fair bit on my own for business and sat in airports from America to Iraq.  If you have travelled alone then you will know how time drags. There is a limit to how many films you can watch, books you read or duty free shops you can wander around justifying why not to buy a 3 litres of Japanese whiskey or a plastic monstrosity that dispenses M&Ms through the arse of vividly coloured peanut with eyes. Continue reading “Border line”

My submission is the expression of my love and devotion for my husband. It is part of me and makes me whole. I consider it my responsibility to develop it; therefore, I am proactive in creating things that help me do that. 


One such implement is journaling. There are so many ways to journal and if you are a stationery addict like myself, it’s a wonderful excuse to buy a few new notebooks. Don’t forget to grab a new pen or eight while you are at it. 😉   Continue reading “Journaling as a Submissive Implement”