We thought that it would be a good idea to do a collaborative post for this topic as everyone manages things a little differently. So here goes for our top tips:

 

 

PurpleSole

Christmas day will be at my in-laws so here are some fun tips for maintaining the dynamic when in the company of family:

  1. Write a lovely message on your sub’s thigh. Nobody will see, but everytime they go to the loo they’ll read “my dirty little slut” (or other message). A small reminder of who’s they are. For a Christmas twist try “My hoe, hoe, hoe.”
  2. It’s easy to overindulge over Christmas. If your sub has a health regime, plate up their dinner for them, remember plenty of vegetables. If they’ve been naughty consider banning their favourite food, no brandy butter for you this Christmas.
  3. When at the dinner table crackers are pulled and party hats are put on. Why not tell your sub that they must not take it off until you tell them to. Who knows when that will be!
  4. After your meal you may end up stuck in a conversation with a family member. To add some spice throw in some kinky words, but don’t let them notice.

 

littlegem

Things can get a bit busy and stressful over the holidays. Although we haven’t been in our D/s dynamic long enough to have experienced Christmas yet, I think making a bit of an extra effort to maintain our dynamic will pay off. Our day is spent at my parents with extended family so we will have to be subtle.

I think for us the basics will help, making sure we keep up our rituals is a big part of this. Especially as there won’t be as much time to play with all the family events, so keeping the basics going will help us maintain our connection. There are some rituals we have in place that also work in a vanilla setting, for example I’m not allowed to start eating before PurpleSole. This is something we can do around the family table that no one will notice but helps us to feel the power exchange.

For me active submission will play a big role. Attending to PS in a service manner, for example making sure his glass is kept full, will keep me in my mindset throughout the day. Little things that are just slight reminders of our true selves that we keep hidden from others.

I think the main thing is to support each other and be understanding of the situation, if extended family is stressing you out try to lean on each other instead of against. At the end of the day if it doesn’t go the way you envisioned accept it and move on, don’t beat yourselves up… Well unless you wish to, in a consensual fun way of course.

 

missy

Surviving the holidays for me requires two things if I am to remain anywhere near a submissive headspace: Lots of control and direction from HisLordship; time to escape from the crowds and unwind. Christmas at ours is be busy and the last few years there has not been the time that I feel I need to prepare in a way that will ensure it all goes smoothly. As a result I can easily find myself running around to unrealistic expectations that I have put upon myself. I need to stop. But I won’t stop on my own so I need to be made to stop. When I am relaxed I can manage much better but when I am not I tend to try to take control, micro managing to the nth detail in a way which is not helpful.

Unfortunately, knowing doesn’t mean doing so I need HL to take the control away from me and just tell me what to do and where to be. It isn’t quite as easy as this as there will still be the unrealistic expectations to fullfil so what works best is for me to present the lists and the schedule, to talk about the hows and the whys and the whats and then for him to decide how much of that can and will happen and to add in some self care for me. Part of the issue is that my head is already well on the way to organising the festive break as a one man band and he is just getting around to thinking about the fact that it will soon be upon us, so communication is the key. Talking, talking, more talking and then of course, the telling. Oh how the telling helps. Tell me what to do, please Sir.

 

Hislordship

The festive holidays have always been something I look forward to, and yet sometimes they seem to be a challenge on several levels.  In our household we have five children of adult age and two more close behind. That’s a lot of opinions and enthusiasm!  There will always be a power struggle in that large dynamic and if you throw in an outspoken eighty-year-old grandfather, you really do have competition to be heard.  In addition to all that you have the continual preparation of meals and the kid’s social diary that would make have a revolving door on the house much simpler. At the centre of all this is missy and I, trying to balance many spinning plates.  We have become quite adapt to doing this, although occasionally there is the sound of breaking crockery!

My top tip to surviving the holidays is to make sure you maintain a connection during the day and plan for the night.  The connection can be a touch, a look or even a good old-fashioned kiss. Try not to expect the same link you have during an average weekend as this far from that; discuss what is likely to de-rail you, plan a strategy for it and hold each other to it.

For us, missy tries to be many things for many people and invariably gets worn out or on occasion let down by those she has chosen to look after. She will continue at a pace that needs managing, sometimes to the extent of being told to STOP! So, for this Christmas I will be watching her closely and at times telling her to do what is best for her, even if she doesn’t realise at the time!

 

Wishing You All A Happy Holiday!

give and take - gift wrapped presentOur theme this week is ‘festive fun’ so it seemed to make sense to think about giving. There is a huge focus on giving during the festive period and it is also a key part of any D/s relationship – giving is for life not just for Christmas as they say and that certainly works for us! As with anything, I think how this works for a couple will vary and there is often a lot of discussion during our chats about what would and wouldn’t be acceptable in terms of what we give to each other. I know that some subs feel that what they give is their submission and that is really where it ends. They would not feel that they could give spontaneously as it would be up to the Dom what he or she wanted from them. Then there is the opposite camp, where we fall, where submission is an active thing.

 

Our experience is of a relationship where we use the power exchange to build a circle of neatly balanced give and take. By submitting to HL, I feed his Dominance and vice versa. This means that sometimes you are giving and sometimes you are receiving but that is the way that we have found works best for us to keep this working as a long-term livable lifestyle. I dare say that there are some submissives out there who are with Dominants who crave so much control that they are able to issue instruction after instruction and for that to be gratefully received. We are not like that and really, even once the family has grown and we have more time alone, I don’t think we would want to sustain that for more than a set amount of time. We have played with a high protocol ‘Collar Time’ when things work well like this, but sustaining the dynamic within our lifestyle means that this is not possible, or really desirable, as something to do all of the time.

 

I am not sure how much of this is down to the fact that we were already in a long term relationship when we make the decision to weave Dominance and submission throughout it, but certainly we felt that we loved each other and we worked well as a couple so it was more a case of tweaking things than re-writing and starting again. We were reluctant to lose ourselves to these new roles that we were embracing, so kept what was good and added what was ever better. I say all this because whenever the topic of giving is discussed there are those who will suggest that being active is ‘topping from the bottom’. This pisses me off really and, while I fully accept that others do things differently, as I am writing this post I get to write about what works for me. My kink may not be your kink as they say.

 

So for us, and for many couples who will read this, a big part of the dynamic is about giving. A Dom gives safety, structure and nurture. A sub gives service, obedience and respect. But really in any healthy relationship, both parties will be giving these same things, all-be-it they may be carried out and perceived in a different way. If the relationships is based on communication, trust, respect and honesty then both have to be continually giving these things. Sometimes this may be as a response to the other partner, but sometimes it might have to be in a more active way. In relationships where this doesn’t happen I have seen it lead to quite big issues when something gets in the way of the Dominant.

 

This will often be through no fault of his own, perhaps external factors have challenged his control in some way or another. What can happen is that he no longer feels as Dominant and therefore no longer behaves in such a Dominant way; he is less ‘active’ with it perhaps. In my mind, the sub can support him to feel more Dominant again by activating his Dominance through her own behaviour. How each couple chooses to do this will depend on their relationship and personalities, but I do think that waiting until he ‘comes back’ can end up being a long and lonely wait where you both end up falling out of your mindsets, and subsequently out of the dynamic a bit. These posts,  Active Submission and Actively Submissive, explain a bit more about how it works for us but essentially, giving is good for you.

 

Each year, as part of the build up to Christmas, we have tried to acknowledge the value of giving by celebrating what we feel about each other. Although this is something that we are doing all year round, we are only human and we do allow other things to pull the focus away from each other and onto the stuff of our lives at times. The first year I was blogging I began a submissive advent calendar, where I posted a gift for HL each day on my blog and it worked really well. Last year we took it day about with a D/s advent calendar. This was fun but if was difficult as sometimes the ‘gifts’ didn’t work well for that person that day so it had more limited success. We learnt from that and this year are trying the D/s Advent Calendar again, but we pre-agreed the activities so that they could fit in with our other commitments and we also had time to plan where necessary. So far it is going well; I have posted posts about some of the things we have done and will post the complete list at the end.

 

Other related posts by HisLordship: Merry Christmas

 

Faith and the submissive

 

I struggled to write this because I didn’t want to make this about me. I wanted it to be anonymous. I wanted to be distant. I wanted to be analytical and disconnected. But how do you explain the two most intimate parts of your mind and soul without it becoming personal? And <shudder> if you can, do you want to bare it for all to see? So reader take this in with mercy and grace for the writer who humbly shares her inner struggles and openly admits her humanity, inherent sinfulness, and the possibility of incorrect conclusions.

 

I figure I will have two types of readers here, the other submissives who also have faith, and the curious interested unbelievers. To the other submissives I hope I encourage you and make you feel less isolated, and to the unbelievers I hope I adequately explain what looks from the outside like two complete contradictory lifestyle choices.

 

So really the question that comes up is : How do you reconcile Christian faith and D/s relationship? Or possibly: How do you reconcile Christian faith and Bdsm and kink?

I will attempt to answer both.

 

I am going to skip over my personal conversion to Christianity. Suffice it to say I have been a devout protestant Christian for more than a decade, I believe the bible to be inerrant and wholly true, I go to a mainstream conservative church, and my husband and I have been on the D/s journey for about two years and are still growing in it.

 

Our journey into D/s started with scripture, a church run marriage course, and a few dirty memes. Yes, really. I will leave it at that to keep this concise and dive into the nitty gritty of the original question. Reconciling kinky bdsm and a D/s lifestyle with the Christian faith.

 

I did a lot of research into the Bible and sex. I have read every scripture that talks about sex from Genesis to Revelation. At some point in our journey towards D/s my Sir challenged me to do so, so that I could distinguish what the bible actually prohibits and what my personal hangups or limitations are and why.

 

So with the premise that sex was created by God, that it was created with multiple functions of both pro creation and pleasure, that God would not want His children to be in the dark when it comes to sin, and that there is nothing new under the sun, I will attempt to explain how my beliefs and my D/s come together.

 

Lets say that Sex is a playground, fun, and pleasurable with many different games and equipment available. God has set up a fence around the playground with specific prohibitions, a tall fence with fenceposts. Not to box you in but to protect you from the dangers outside.

These are named and repeated and there are precious few, most of which seem obvious ( like incest, beastiality, and adultery).

 

Inside the fence is a vast playground with all sorts of equipment, games, and various activities. Some people find that they like the seesaw and they ride the seesaw their entire lives and are perfectly content, and so they erect their own fence around that. And others explore a few of the activities but stick with the few they feel are the most satisfying or safe and then erect their slightly wider fence around that. Some want to try all the activities and games and see what they like best, or find they prefer some activities that are beyond the fence that most of society erects, still inside God’s fence, but much wider than the average vanilla couple.

 

Unfortunately those with small fences usually assume that their fence IS God’s fence- because they find the activities beyond their limitations to be distasteful, intimidating, perverted, deviant, and downright sinful. None of which is actually backed by scripture. The self righteous proclamation of what is acceptable sexually inside Christianity led to things like laws against certain positions, a negative overall worldview of sex and a womans body, and unnecessary shame and condemnation for anyone who would stray outside of what is deemed sexually acceptable by the church. Still Sex is so taboo it is rarely talked about in Christian circles, few Christians are openly sex positive, and those of us who would be kinky and in the faith quickly hushed and condemned by a much larger majority. Which has led to the original question. Because Christians are viewed by unbelievers as so sex negative and prude, as well as false information in the public about what the bible actually says about sex (a result of people using scripture to justify their own vanilla positions),the idea that we can embrace kink and be devout believers seems contradictory. Those of us who would speak up would be loudly hushed by the church and openly condemned, (maybe not much differently than unbelievers in the secular world since kink and bdsm is still widely unaccepted), but the fear of rejection, condemnation and alienation from the church community surely keep us silent. I hesitated to write this, even under a false name. But none the less, have no doubt there ARE sex positive kinky believers out there. I do not know how they would explain the coalition between both lifestyles but I will make an attempt.

 

So bdsm is not mentioned in the bible. But – submission certainly is. Many times. I would say it could be debated that many vanilla Christian relationships look akin to D/s, the woman gifting her submission to her husband, the traditional patriarchal model.

Ephesians 5:22 “ Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as unto the Lord”

1 Peter 3 “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands…like Sarah who obeyed Abraham and called him Lord”

Ephesians 5:24 “now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything”

Colossians 3:18 “Wives submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”

1 Corinthians 7:4 “the wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband”

Clearly there is a commanded power exchange here. A headship and authority given to the dominant man and submission commanded from the submissive woman.

I think it logically follows that this same power exchange will follow the relationship into the bedroom, honestly it seems as though God mostly designed women to be in the submissive position by how our bodies fit together (mostly). And is a man being commanding in the bedroom sinful? I think not. So that covers the D/s.

 

That only leaves the bondage, sadomasochism, and various other kink to be looked at.

Nothing new under the sun. Did not the romans practice such things? Other ancient cultures? Do we think we invented kink? Really…? Definitely not. No person spanked their wife? No rough sex? No bondage? No anal? No masturbation?

Just as important as what is in scripture is what is NOT. You cannot make the bible say something because you “feel” it to be morally unacceptable or distasteful, or because society deems that to be so. Logically if God knows all, sees all, and the bible is inerrant, He is love and light and desires those that follow Him to live in holiness, I seriously doubt that it was an oversight on God’s part to overlook these sins in scripture. So lets be careful when we call sin Sin, that it is not our opinion or perception, but is backed by what God says in His word.

The bible says the marriage bed is undefiled. And devotes a whole book to the sexual desire and marital love between a husband and wife. And does not condemn sex acts between married men and women.

 

So specifically the bible does not call bondage and sadomasochism sin. It does have principles of love and kindness that can seem to contradict practicing bdsm. And the majority of Christians believe that the two, faith and bdsm, should never overlap and are disgusted at the mere suggestion. But then, many secular vanilla people are offended by it as well. There is a stigma with kink and especially bdsm. The perception of people in general is fairly ignorant and the judgment and condemnation stems from a lack of real knowledge as well as the picture of kink painted by the media, not from a real source of truth in the Christian faith.

 

So for those of us who practice bondage with love, thanking the Dominant for the freedom and liberty that bondage can bring and fully trusting he will never harm you, breathing a sigh of relief as you surrender control to someone who loves you, this is not sin. This is intimacy and love practiced in such a way.

 

Sadomasochism- how can THIS be ok for a Christian to practice?! Since again this is not prohibited specifically, you must weigh it against what else we know from scripture.

“Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails “ 1Corinthians 13.

Pain and pleasure are very closely wired for some people, the pain increasing the pleasure. Is it wrong to enjoy sensory play? What if its painful and that increases your pleasure? What if that is how your body is wired? Inside the marriage bed where you trust your partner will consensually hurt you but not HARM you? Where it increases your love and intimacy and trust?

Those of us who have ventured into this part of the playground have found it doesn’t look like what the media portrays. And can in fact be practiced in love with consent from both partners. That covers the bdsm.

 

KINK. I won’t go over all the kink. There is too much. I’ll touch briefly on some of the big ones that come up as objections for Christians.

 

Anal. This is commonly objected to because it is believed that it is expressly prohibited in scripture. The definition of this word changed over the course of the last two thousand years and has now come to mean anal sex in general. That was not the original context in the old testament and is not the meaning of the word in the original Hebrew either. Anal sex between a married couple is never mentioned at all in scripture.

Which says a lot.

Why does the bible not address this? Were men not trying to stick their dicks in every available orifice?! This didn’t exist?! I seriously doubt that. I think men have always been sticking it every where they can stick it!

For those who say it is “unnatural” and obviously was not designed by God for this purpose- I ask you – were mouths designed for this purpose? Are blow jobs sinful? Why is one orifice acceptable but another is not? The bible specifically talks about oral sex in the song of Solomon. If its OK to stick it in one orifice I cant see why it is NOT ok in another.

 

Masturbation and Sex Toys. Neither of these are mentioned in the bible. Masturbation is not prohibited and I am quite sure that men have been doing that since Adam. However, anything that has control over you or becomes an addiction becomes sin. That being said, masturbation or mutual masturbation can be fun and a spicy addition to a healthy sex life. Sex toys are just objects used for pleasure, I really cannot say any particular object is sinful of itself. No objects are named as sinful in scripture (except maybe pagan idols). If you have a vibrator addiction that could be sin. But again, you own it, it doesn’t own you.

 

Pornography. I think there are many reasons to avoid porn as a Christian or an unbeliever. I think its harmful to women, I think it contributes to sex trafficking, I think it creates unrealistic expectations and fantasies in your sex life, that it can be very addictive and destructive for many people, and for us definitely falls too close to adultery for comfort. All good reasons to not watch porn. However, I will say I think creating your own porn videos for your selves can be fun and creative and not harmful.

 

50 Shades of Gray.

That is to say – there are gray areas. Not everything is black and white. And some things are difficult to navigate as a Christian. I think no one should practice anything that violates their conscience. I may have liberty in an area where someone else does not, therefore that person should not practice that activity until they are at peace in their conscience. We all have fences, even inside God’s fence yours should exclude anything that hurts your conscience or even makes you feel “icky”.  But keep the fence flexible. Question your limits and discover why they are there.

 

As a submissive I stretch and question my limits, examine them consistently, and weigh them against my conscience and my comfort and my faith. My desire to please my Dominant can sometimes outweigh my ability to adhere to my own limitations and as a sensitive and loving Dominant husband he knows and remembers this. I have called it “the war within”- the desire to please my Dom, or even myself, and also be at peace in my conscience. I doubt this is a phenomenon exclusive to Christians, but probably specially effects them.

 

I have found much joy and LIBERTY having the freedom to embrace my sexuality and enjoy the Dominant and submissive dynamic we have now. We are much happier than we were in our vanilla relationship. I feel I have a much better understanding of what God’s limits are and what my own are , and instead of living in fear, suppressing my sexuality and my submissive nature, I can now embrace this, explore it and accept how God himself has wired my body and my mind, without shame.

 

I am happy to answer specific questions through personal message. –Emma Butler

 

 

 

 

 

 

When i consider the word servant, honestly a big part of me shrinks away in disgust. i think about the historic significance of servitude… it wasn’t really fair in a lot of ways. From what i have learned from history books, servitude ranged from slavery to employment to indentured servitude. In a lot of cases, the only reward was being allowed to live, not even to have basic needs met. So when i really think about the word servant, it just feels unpleasant. Which is ironic, really, because as a submissive i think the general expectation is that i serve my Dominant. And in a lot of ways that is a good assumption. But it doesn’t come naturally to me. i have to work really hard at serving, at being generous, and sometimes accepting that there is nothing in it for me aside from pleasing Him.

There is a lot on the web about how to submit, guides for service, and people sharing their personal stories about their journeys in BDSM. i find that sometimes the pressure to be a perfect servant is overwhelming. Daddy has helped me find tools over the years that take the pressure away a little, and help me to be more effective in my service.

One tool that we both really liked was an app called Habitica. We used that app for about 2 years. It allows you to create a little character as well as a task list. Each task earns credits when they are completed, which can be cashed in for rewards, which you can customize on the app too. i really liked this app because it was fun to use, but if you are looking for a more straightforward tool to help you finish tasks or chores, the Chore Monster app might be a better fit. Habitica allows for almost unlimited customization.

Another tool that we use is Google Docs. We like this app because it allows us to share notes, including our rules/rewards/punishments lists and our weekly meeting notes. Even if we are apart, we can watch each other type in real time, and discuss as we go along. This really helps keep me accountable because i can’t put my notes or journaling off- He gets to watch it happen.

If you are looking for ways to serve your partner in more creative ways, by upping the romance or just spicing things up, there are 2 books that we LOVE, and highly recommend. i am a big fan of keeping all sides of relationships healthy and happy, and even though this isn’t necessarily a kinky tool, it is a tool to us nonetheless. Laura Corn has written 2 books called 101 Nights of Great Romance and 101 Nights of Great Sex- they are not guide books; instead, the pages tear out to reveal ideas for fun. They range from expensive and extravagant, to cheap and simple, but all of them have pushed our limits, and all of them have been amazing. The books were kind of hard to find, but if you can get your hands on them, they are well worth it. Service doesn’t have to be all about cleaning and cooking and kneeling and holding drinks and whatever. Service can also include things that bring joy and fulfillment to your partner.

The last tool i will list is MyFitnessPal. We use this app to keep us both accountable for our health and fitness goals. We view self care and health as service to one another- this might be unconventional, but we think that the healthier we can be ourselves, the better we can take care of each other. It is a rule on our list that i track my meals and exercise, as well as body measurements and weight. it helps keep me honest with Him and myself, and gives Him peace of mind that i am taking care of myself.

These are just a few tools that we use to help bring service to the forefront. i am not a servant, or a slave, but the way He lights up when i do acts of service for Him really encourage me to do more and more. They feed my submissive mindset, help me feel useful, and allow me to express my love for Daddy. If you have thoughts about service related tools, share them in the comments!

respect the rules

Rules are pretty key to our relationship, although even without that I am a person who likes to have rules to follow. I suppose that is why a D/s marriage works so well for me as having rules and structure makes me feel safe. It makes sense of things and makes me feel as though I have a focus and can get things done. Without this I can feel a bit all over the place and it puts my stress levels right up.

 

I think it is hard to stick to rules if you really don’t see the value of them. If they are just there for the sake of it then there just doesn’t seem to be the weight to give them the importance that they need in order for me to stick with them. We have talked long and hard about the rules that we have and, although they may change or be adapted over time, we both agree on their value and importance to us.

 

We review our rules quite regularly and the discussion that we have around them is quite important to us. We also use them as part of the discussions that we have on a daily and weekly basis – as a sort of check in I suppose. This helps, not only in that it reinforces the rules and the importance of them, but also in that it forms part of the power exchange. If this doesn’t happen and HL doesn’t check, then they lose importance to me and I may start to slip up a bit in keeping to them.

 

Checking in regularly like this helps to keep our focus and also keep our mindset. Built into this will be some feedback; reward and/or punishment. For us, some things will be dealt with as they occur, but a lot will also come out of this discussion and from me self-reporting. I am more likely to do this when I have done something wrong so it is helpful that we talk about it so that HL can let me know when I have done well too. Too many negative can be overwhelming and demotivating but a ‘well done’ always works wonders!

 

As I said, we evaluate and evolve our rules and I have written about them on a number of occasions before.  See below for more about what we do and how it works, but namely our rules fall into three main areas: respect, self-care and well-being. Some end up being pretty general and open to interpretation but we know each other quite well and there are no longer areas where we aren’t really on the same page about what is expected. Open communication has helped with this a lot and certainly at the beginning this was a bit trickier.

 

Showing respect and behaving respectfully towards HL is one of the general rules. This would include me asking rather than telling, using the correct tone, and showing that I have considered his thoughts and feelings in terms of what I do and what I say. There are also a number of rituals which go along with this which helps to reinforce the idea of behaving respectfully to him.

 

Self-care is an area which HL wanted to address through the rules. He felt irritated with some of the behaviours I had around the way I spoke about myself, both to him and to other people.  He doesn’t like to hear me put myself down and I hadn’t realised that it was a personal slight on him at times. These rules are more specific and include not speaking negatively about myself and also accepting compliments with the good grace that they were intended.

 

My rules surrounding well-being are specific too and they concern sleep, diet and exercise. I realise that this is not an area which everyone wants to link to their relationship, but for us how I feel physically has a strong bearing on how I feel emotionally. These are probably the most flexible of all the rules as they can be suspended by agreement depending on what we are doing at that time.

 

My being respectful towards HL means that he feels more valued and noticed. It feeds is Dominant mindset and helps him to feel  that he is in control and that he is genuinely leading. Infractions in this area will be dealt with quickly, usually at the time, and punishment will vary. The self-care rules are also really about respect and about recognising that I am his and should try to see myself as such.

 

These and the well-being rules are ones where I will be expected to self-report if he has not been around to witness what has happened. There are set punishments for breaking these rules and they ‘match’ with the rule itself so that carrying out the punishment helps to reflect and reinforce that particular rule. By having rules which help to improve my health and well-being, I feel better about myself and therefore it is easier for him. Essentially I feel sexier which is something he likes to take advantage of.

 

A lot of the things that we do are things that people might do anyway in a non-D/s type relationship but having them there in a way which makes me accountable adds a formality and structure which reinforces our power exchange. Rather than feeling onerous they actually feel supportive and rather than me resenting them, they actually make me feel cared for and safe so it works very well for us.

 

Previous posts on rules on submissy:
Broken Rules
Rules, Resets and Roleplay
Two New Rules
New Term New Rules
Rules
Rules and Rituals

I have always said that I am not a ‘service sub’. My evidence for this has been the fact that I don’t particularly like doing chores (it certainly doesn’t turn me on) and that I complete household tasks as and when required and because they need to be done, so it has never really been linked to my D/s relationship. However, LittleLove recommended a book called ‘Real Service’, see Little Pearls Site, where she wrote an excellent review of the book. This book has got me really thinking and I realise now that I was totally mistaken in my understanding (or rather my misunderstanding) of what a service submissive was. 

 

To be honest, the book does focus on an M/s type dynamic as that is what the authors have, but I think that it is relevant for anyone who is in a relationship where the power exchange covers more than just the sexual aspects, as it is likely that a lot of the rest is based around service. Although service in a D/s dynamic is often seen as being sexual, this book is about ‘real service’ so focusses on the every day things that you do for each other in the real world and examines how that adds to your dynamic. It has made me think that actually most relationships which are 24/7 or lifestyle relationships would have those other elements of service as part of them, and that service is a part of my relationship with HisLordship – although having read the book I would not say that I am not really doing it very well.

 

Quite near the start of the book the authors look at the motivations for service and my actions come from a mixture of all three, depending on what it is I am doing. Sometimes I do it because I might benefit from it, sometimes it is out of love and sometimes it is because I like making other people happy and doing what they want. It has made me realise that to be a bit more aware of why I am doing something may help me to do it more effectively, or at least to value the act itself. I think that it will help my mindset to see some of these actions as serving, as that is what they are, I just had not thought of them in this way before.

 

It also tied in with what I wrote recently about active and passive submission. What the authors talk of with regard to service is reactive and proactive. I am definitely more proactive in what I do but realise that I have fallen into many of the traps that the book describes as being negative. One of these is doing things my own way, rather than thinking about how HL would like them to be done. I am certainly guilty of thinking that my way is better at times and also in doing things because I would like them and therefore think that he should too, which is obviously not service at all. It is pointed out quite clearly that unless service is wanted by the Dominant, it is not real service.

 

I realised that I need to spend much more time watching HL and thinking about what he actually likes and how he actually does things. Since he has been at home more of the time, I realise that I may not have allowed him the space to do things as he would like, but have expected him to do it in the way that I would usually complete the task. I thought I was being submissive as I tried to explain in a respectful way how it ‘worked best’ but I now realise how much this was probable a challenge to his Dominance. I think this has come about as he has taken over the lead in some of the jobs that were previously mine. I still help with those and have expected to do it in the same way, rather than fitting in with his new way – the one that suits him.

 

The authors describe styles of Dominance as being on a continuum which fits in with the styles of service. While Sir enjoys taking care of me and expects me to follow orders, he also enjoys being looked after and his needs being met so he is someone who likes anticipatory service. He is not one for issuing a lot of tasks for me to complete throughout the day as he finds that quite onerous and prefers me to be proactive, although in some areas he will do it. I think that we could improve things quite easily by being more defined in what we do. I do some of the ‘chores’ because I have always seen them as mine and have not really seen the link to D/s before even though we have talked about it.

 

One example is the planning and buying of food. Once a week I plan out all the meals and then will do a grocery shop (usually online).  This is something that I have always done and I manage to do it well, while sticking to the monthly budget we have agreed on. I have never before seen this as an act of service, even though it is something that HL has asked that I do. To be honest I find it tiresome and sometimes I would like help with it. Seeing it as an act of service, however, gives it a different slant. It now feels much more important to me that I am able to do it competently and in a way which will impress him. Like the people who start with DD and find themselves drifting into D/s, I feel that suddenly I am seeing the appeal to some of the more mundane household tasks as being part of the service I give. A bit of a light-bulb three years in, but better late than never.

 

Sometimes I have been frustrated that HL doesn’t seem to notice when I don’t complete some of the tasks that I have been set. This is also discussed in the book and it ties back to the idea that to be of value, the service has to be wanted by the D type and not something that the s type wants to do. Some of the things that we do have been because I initiated or asked for them. It is all very well for me to do these as part of my anticipatory service but I cannot expect Sir to follow up on them. This is something else that I have done in the past I think, and I have become frustrated at times when it seemed that he didn’t value them.

 

I see now that we need to go back and find things which matter to him. A lot of our rules and rituals were put in place to help me to feel submissive and I think we need to look at things which actually help him and make his life easier, more pleasant or help his mindset. He will notice, for example if I try to open the car door myself or if my nails are not done, but he may not notice if I drink the required amount of water or not. Both are rules but not doing one obviously irritates him and the other doesn’t. Both are of value and I think it is good for me to keep drinking the right amount of water, but I can only expect him to correct the behaviours that he really values. I think that I have to accept that just because I think things are good ideas, doesn’t mean that he will want to do them and that by doing things that make him happy, they will become important to me. I hope that HL will agree to review things and be more open with me about which ones he values and wants to keep and which ones he doesn’t.

 

So overall I feel that I have learnt a lot of really helpful things – thank you LittleLove. One – to try to look at our rules and protocols and work out which ones are important to Sir and put less emphasis on the others. Two – to discuss the tasks which he wants me to do and have a more service minded approach to completing them. And three – to watch him more closely and try to do things which I think that he will want me to do for him, rather than things that I want to do for him. Quite a lot to work on there and it won’t happen overnight, but I am feeling positive about another new twist on the way we build the power exchange into our relationship.

 

I wrote this post over a year ago and it was published on submissy. Since then I think that things have improved and the revelations I had have helped me to become better at service in general. I have also become aware that there are a lot more submissives active on the site whose dynamic has more of a DD slant and who serve on a much more domestic level to me. It would be really good to know how it works for you, either in a longer post, or via the comments, or through the forums. If you start a forum thread then please let me know so that I can link it here.

 

For information the book that I read was Real Service and I can thoroughly recommend it.

So here we are.  Been a while hasn’t it, but I did warn you.

So settle in.  A little over a year has passed since sweetgirl asked me to consider being her dominant.  If you’re  new here are wondering what you have missed click this link to my first post.  and sweetgirls journal here much more content from SwG.  So I thought we would check in.

So what is there to discuss? Well that is simple, whatever we want.   Feel free to ask questions and I will try to answer them.
However, let me tell you about my year.  I have found a number of things to be true over the last year or so.   Firstly if your communication slips everything slips.   It is hard as we try to be D/s all the time (notice i didn’t say 24/7, that’s  because I hate that phrase) but life gets in the way.  Over the last year Sweetgirl has changed jobs twice and this puts obstacles in the way such as her bringing work home.  I know what you’re  thinking “You’re the Dom tell her she can’t” well that may seem to be an easy solution but has consequences as her mental state will change with worry.  You see she is the type of lady that gives her all to everything she does.  (Remember I said we would have had a fully fitted playroom and rack full of toys in the first week if she wasn’t controlled).  So when starting a new job I find it best to give some slack so she can focus on what she has to do outside of the home and the dynamic.
We, like most people have rituals and this helps but there is a diffrent connection made when playing compared to when we do her day/night collars.  Sweetgirl goes deeper into subspace when we play,  even the limited play we can do at home can send her down.  But playing at home comes with it’s own challenges as I am sure it does for anyone with kids and pets.  Our two children are all grown up and we had a routine with the youngest as he is a bit of a gamer so spends most of his time in his room with headphones on wageing war on some distant land.  So the sound of the flogger doesn’t register.  However our eldest has come home before hopefully moving to London in a month or two but this has changed the dynamic of the house as he spends more time watching tv or reading in his room, so noise registers and he has been known in the past to let us know when we are disturbing him.
Another thing I have noticed over the last year is the amount of planning and structure I like, not only my everyday life but in play and scenes.  Before one particular incident I would have said I do little planning or prep for play/scenes.  But this false hood was highlighted to me recently.
When sweetgirl and I started on this journey we agreed that play at home would be problematic due to kids and pets.  Yes there are ways round everything given time and money, but with that comes a sudden change of day to day routine.  For instance if we were to suddenly start fully closing doors to keep pets out the room then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out what we are doing.  So we agreed that we would invest in ourselves and book a hotel night or two away every month.  Now this went well and we have a favourite hotel which we go to every couple of months and we use a chain hotel to keep the cost down for other monthly getaways.  Normally we have them written down so we know when we are going etc.   I tend to send email instructions to sweetgirl telling her what to pack and giving a brief outline of what will happen during our time away.
Well this one particular week we appear not to have wrote it down thankfully a email reminder from the site that we use to book was received but instead of having our usual week to prepare we only had a few days.   Unfortunately we couldn’t cancel without still having to pay and on top of this it was new hotel.  So we packed on the day and decided to go to a pub/restaurant that we pass on the way to our local munch for something to eat before heading to the hotel.  It was disappointing to say the least but once at the hotel things just felt odd for us both and the evening didn’t flow.  We are due back at that hotel soon to see if we can break that feeling.
Now when we started out full time D/s we decided that we would have a collar for play and one for everyday.   But the one for everyday needed to be something that Sweetgirl could wear everyday and not raise suspicion.  After all it only needed to mean something to us.   So in 23 years of being together I think I picked my first peice of jewellery that Sweetgirl would wear.  It was a long silver chain with a eye and a silver bar that passes through it.  I also made her a night/play collar from paracord that we swap in a ritual before bed.  Recently however we have changed the day collar that we bought for a collar I hand made out of silver.  I like to be busy even when sat down so I started looking at chainmaille as it is something I can do sat on the sofa.  I made her a byzantine collar and I believe she likes it as it is tighter around her neck and reminds her of her submission.   I am hoping to get into leather work but feel I need a dedicated space for this so need the kids to leave but that is another story.
So social media is and has been about for sometime and for a variety of reason I decided I would join twitter and instagram this was for a number of reason but mainly because I do not know everything and although my imagination is good it has it’s limit.  It is going well, although I am amazed at how many men seem to think it is acceptable to send unsolicited pictures of their penis to women they have never met or even introduced themselves too.   I am learning lots and filing stuff away for the future.
We were lucky enough to be invited to our first event by a friend that has amazing knowledge and has been on the scene for some time.   This was a big step for me personally and for Sweetgirl.   Sweetgirl’s out fit was risqué but not the risquést one at the event by any stretch I know she was out of her comfort zone with it as it was quite revealing, again not the most revealing.   We got there quite early and introduced ourselves to the organiser.  We also got to meet our friend’s slave for the first time.  Seeing some of the protocols in place was interesting.  For me personally I am not nor have I ever been a fan of large crowds.  I remember when I first met Sweetgirl she asked if I would attend a meatloaf concert with her, but due to my dislike of large crowds a concert is just a no go for me.   I cant explain it really I am just not comfortable, not anxious or anything it is just a feeling.  Think i have been to 3 rugby games in my life despite being a fan of my hometown rugby club all my life.
I do find rope work and flogging very enjoyable and do plan on attending the local rope workshop soon (if it doesn’t co-inside with my week on call).   We recently had the opportunity to attend a Flogging workshop held by Aemellia Hawk and was excited and booked early.   This workshop was a talk and demonstration by Aemeilla and the opportunity to practice in the club and receive coaching from this wonderfully funny and talented practitioner.   However as some of you may know Sweetgirl has had issues with her back for more than a decade.  Earlier in the year she had a procedure done that made her pain free for 2 days as a test.   When we booked it we knew there was a chance that the proper procedure would be done around the time of the workshop.   Yip you guest it the procedure was scheduled for the Friday as the workshop was on the Sunday.   A long story short we attended but due to Sweetgirl being 48 post surgical procedure we didn’t play despite Sweetgirl’s remonstrations (remember my love part of my role is to protect you even from yourself)  but learned lots and have ordered some new floggers from amealia
What does the future hold?  Well that is difficult to answer as it depends on what the future gives me to work with.  There are lots I would like to do and try that will not only push Sweetgirl but push me too.   As I have said I want to attend the rope workshops and there is always the option to play at the munches we attend.  I would like to make more friends in the kink community as there is so much to learn.

Going straight to the point, with no dilly-dally, the two things that I thought I knew better than anything was Me and Missy.  Now there are obviously millions of other things I thought I knew, however, they are trivial compared to us as a couple, and our ever developing lifestyle.

The headline thing I thought I knew (and didn’t) was the level kink we both shared when we first met.

For me, I have been drawn to all things sexually alternative for a long time albeit suppressed in my head.  The key to that locked door was missy without a shadow of doubt.  In terms of knowledge, I thought knew a lot about kink, and yet it was the tip of the iceberg.  I had heard of BDSM in my teenage years from an LP inner sleeve found in my  Adam and the Ants records.  It was all very, interesting and is documented in one of my older posts That’s When I Knew I Had A Kink.

It was only when we got together and accepted that we were kinky did the flood gates open. I thought I knew what women wanted in a man, I was wrong!  I thought I knew my own limits, wrong again. I thought I knew what I wanted from a relationship and how much I could love someone. Wrong, wrong and wrong again.

D/s has been a journey of discovery for me.  It has supported us when things have been difficult and has been known to make things difficult as well at times. I now understand that it is just a different form of relationship with benefits!  A bit like a game, it has it’s own rules, however, being a relationship between 2 or more people you can write your own rules to suit you.

So what about Missy and my misguided understanding of her I hear you cry?  Oh boy, that’s Pandorra’s box being opened.  She has initiated, embraced, grown, submitted, accepted and loved everything that we have experienced in D/s.  I thought I knew her limits and fell short in that area and continue to fall short. She surprises me regulary which can be exciting and a scary at times.  From someone who protected herself well against the thoughts in her head and managing body image issues, I knew so little.  For those who have read her posts and seen her pictures, this is a person who I thought I knew and yet knew so little of her potential.
“If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?” ― Thomas Henry Huxley

 

 

Sometimes life feels like a fairy tale. Everything is going your way, you are with the love of your life, nothing could be better.

And sometimes you have a wart covered frog in your face, belching at you while it chomps on flies.

Such is the way of life.

So what do you do with that stinking, stupid frog?

Kiss it. i dare you.

Sometimes our partners just piss us off. They grate on our nerves, get in the way, frustrate us. It’s an ugly truth.

When your prince turns into a frog, they probably need your help turning back into a prince. Kiss it. Kiss it better. Kiss it despite its warts and ugliness and lack of manners or regard for your likes, wants, and desires. Kiss it. Kiss the frog.

In our marriage, the reality is that sometimes we get on each others nerves. It isn’t perfect all the time. my ugly shows, and so does His. Its hard for me to see this- but when Daddy is being a frog, i need to swallow my pride and take a look in the mirror, cos chances are, i am being one too. As His submissive, and as His wife, i need to see past the flaws, and love Him through them. Because i know He sees past mine, and loves me anyway.

One of the most common themes discussed by subs regarding the challenges of a D/s relationship is consistency, or the lack of it in their Doms.  Now, from the point of having a balanced post, I should offer up the concept of a sub being inconsistent in their behaviour, and I am sure this is the case in some relationships. However, the direction of this post is from a Dom’s perspective and that is where we will stay, for consistency!

To have a consistent approach to any task, one would imagine that you firstly want to be engaged in that activity and that you really get something from it.  Now, like most things in life, the beginning is always the most exciting bit. It triggers chemicals in the brain that make it fire up, a honeymoon period of you like.  Of course that doesn’t mean you lose interest completely, you just look at it differently and then the world throws its problems at you and they try to stick and drag you down. 

The Japanese culture is a great example of maintaining consistency when managing a task.  If you are going to take on a task like basket weaving, martial arts, painting or even management, you do the very best you can when you are doing it. It’s a simple but consistent application to a task.  Now that is quite hard to maintain if you are not stacked that way, believe me, I know!  I have a short attention span and if I am engaged in something and get distracted, I can either lose interest in the task, or find the new thing more exciting.  My wife thinks there’s some ADD floating around in there somewhere.  

 Of course we are not all Japanese, and if we were, we may not be into weaving baskets or slapping the mat!  I would argue that consistency is precluded by motivation and on many levels that boils down to the age old question, ‘what’s in it for me?’  That is not being selfish or self-centred, this is about finding your motivation. Why do something that doesn’t make you happy?   If you are not happy being a Dom all the time, that does not mean you are not a Dom, or in fact a bad one.  Are you happy in every element of your day, every day?  I would argue that you are not, and outside of continual medication, nor are most people.  We continually make dynamic decisions at every turn of the clock to meet the needs of those around us and to keep us safe.  Life is challenging and to be man for all seasons 24/7 is not going to happen.  Have I said something wrong there?   Most Doms I have are ordinary people, living ordinary lives.  They put others first and themselves second, nearly always. And there’s rub. If you are second in your priorities, how can you stay self motivated, feel sexy and cast the day’s issues aside to manage your sub the way she needs it?

If you’re looking for an answer here in plain sight, look no further, because is ain’t here!  What you may find is the need to examine which part of your D/s relationship drives you.  A percentage of Doms really get off on non-sexual control, a much larger percentage get off on sexual control.  If sex was withdrawn from our D/s relationship would I be interested, probably not, and in all likelihood neither would missy. Now that is not to say it’s all about physical sex.  For missy, she needs to have her mind stimulated before her body will embrace the physical.  I’m confident that I could get an orgasm from her if I tried, however, this is more about her really buying into the event. 

I suppose having written this far down the page I have realised that motivation is a very personal, yet  a changeable concept.  Motivation and Consistency are good bed fellows when blended into the right mix for everyone in this type of dynamic, and yet sometimes that can be hard to find.  Having focus on opportunities can often be a good place to establish your Dominance. If you have rules set between you, then watching your sub to see if she needs support or on the flip side watching to see if she is not following the rules on purpose. Either way, you have a window of opportunity to engage.

Your sub is a complex person by default, all tied in a neat package that needs a lot care and attention to meet the demands of being submissive. The best thing is, unwrapping such a bundle of joy can be very motivating!