Being a middle

I have lots of friends who identify as being little and are in DD/lg type dynamics. I had always thought that wasn’t me so it came as a shock when I finally realised that actually it was. I think it took me so long to work out because I wasn’t very interested in the things that I typically associated with being a little, namely stickers and colouring and cartoons. What I came to realise is that the same sorts of feelings of slipping into a part of myself which is young and carefree and silly and naughty were there for me, they just fitted with something older than my little friends. Because of this I would describe myself as being a ‘middle,’ which is more of a teen, although I don’t have a set age in mind.

For me, being middle is a headspace that I will slip into. I am not like this all of the time. It comes about when I feel safe and secure. So far this hasn’t really been sexual for us although if we are using roleplay and I am being a schoolgirl or the naughty elf, a lot of the same parts of me seem to come out. I would describe it as a space that I get into which allows me the same freedom I can find during play, but without the play if that makes any sense at all. There is a letting go, and the result is a much younger, much sillier, much more mischievous me. Although I have always recognised that this part of me was there, adult life seemed to squash it down a bit, but the safety and security of our D/s dynamic allowed that to come to the surface.

As a Dom HL is very nurturing and caring. Although he will take the lead and enforce rules etc, I would not describe him as being one of the scary Doms.  I think that the nurturing and protective approach he takes towards me was partly what allowed this side of our dynamic to come out as there are parts of our relationship which give it elements of the caregiver/child (having a bedtime, rules about what I eat and drink etc). I know that some people are very uncomfortable with these sorts of dynamics but it in no way means that he is attracted to children or to teens in a sexual sense. The way I see it, to say that a Daddy Dom must be a secret paedophile is no different than saying a masochist is a secret wife abuser. We are still firmly us, albeit a slightly different part of us than the rest of the world would see.

In order to make it easier to manage at the start, I became lime (sublime lol). Being lime meant that I could separate that from my vanilla world self and from missy. Being missy feels like me, but there was also part of me which can’t always be expressed on that level. I am not a bratty sub and I want to please HL so as missy my focus is on being the best submissive that I can. I think that some of mischief and naughtiness I have as a person was put on hold as I tried to make sure that I was always respectful, and this is something that lime can use in abundance.  HL doesn’t identify with being my daddy although he does as a caregiver. As a result, lime is cared for by Major Herbert Lemon, a fantastic old sport, who she absolutely adores.

I would definitely say that we are not at the end point with exploring this dynamic and it is probably true to say were are still in our infancy (pun intended). As things have moved along, we don’t always find that we need Lemon and lime in the way that we did as we are generally more comfortable with the way things are. They are still fun though and lime does get bought special treats. Sometimes now it will slip over into the other parts of us and I suppose we have a way of knowing what will be tolerated and what won’t be. HL encourages my middle side as I think he knows it brings me a sense of release as well as actually quite liking that part. I can get away with things in that headspace which wouldn’t be appropriate otherwise so the lines are drawn in a different place.

So what do middles do? I like shopping for clothes, painting my nails and makeup. I like listening to music loudly on my headphones, talking to my friends online, adore girly chat and I know it is wrong but I do also love gossip. I like pretty things like cushions, fairy lights, candles and baths with fizzers and bubbles. I love clothes and jewellery and I especially like shoes and boots. I keep my things safely tucked away but like to get them out and look at them (I sort of hoard stationery, toiletries and cosmetics). I like dressing up, planning out outfits and accessorising them. I like doing craft, baking, going online and I am addicted to my phone and iPad. I like reading, journaling and love my blog. I like cuddles, hugs and feeling small and safe. I like being touched, stroked and patted on the head. I like holding hands and being led along; I like dancing and skipping. I like having to ask permission for things and being given treats and rewards. I love being praised and told that I have done well. I like being silly, getting up to mischief and teasing Major Lemon and being tricky around him, so I exaggerate a bit and make things up. I love being under a blanket watching TV with him while we eat sweets.

The list above was taken from Little Missy Middle, a post on my own blog, where I have written more about being a middle and what that means. I have also written about it in The Middle Ground and The girl in me. I think that, as with everything, what you feel and how you make the dynamic work is different for everyone. I think that for me, it was summed up really well by my friend C for now who said, “He has become your new “Daddy”. You loved him but now you love him more. You trusted him but now you trust him more. He now shields you, protects you and guides you more. He gives that inner girl a safe place to indulge her fantasies and he watches over her as she plays. Things that worry you make you think of him. But…, but when the day has been long you long to indulge in him. He is the rock by which you know that you are good.”