It is not unusual to have people say it must be easier beginning D/s within a long term marriage. I believe that may be true for some but not all. The day I suggested D/s to my husband I’m sure he was shellshocked and thought it couldn’t be real. Months later when he found me in the hallway waiting for him kneeling naked in full submission (yes, a cliche, I know) I’m sure he was overwhelmed, excited, fearful and wondering whether to run.
We have been married for 37 years and known each other since I was 18, 40 years ago. We have always had a strong communicative marriage, with the usual roller coaster ride full of ups and downs over the years, but never a very sexual one.
To think that our D/s journey has been easy would be lying. The first 9 months created chaos in our marriage. It has been hard and I have gone from being a non-emotional, down to earth alpha female to a blubbering mess, with emotions all over the place some days. Coming from backgrounds where minimal affection and emotions were shown this was unusual. Letting my softer, emotional submissive and possible big girl side out at the age of 57 was difficult. Being an alpha at work and in the community, and the matriarch in our family and the one who has driven our life for almost 40 years, the change was difficult but even more-so for my loving husband. He had not imagined his wife as a submissive, even though we are now able to see the markers were there all along.
My Sir was brought up in a strict European, catholic household, led to believe men don’t restrain or hit women, they protect and care for them as equals. D/s does exactly this but at the time he did not understand this. We are practicing Christians as well so he had to ratify our Christian beliefs with the D/s ideals. Therein lay the problem, no education in the sexual or sensual (remember we are from an older generation), misled by family, church and medical practitioners (but that’s another issue). We feel we have been cheated of our time together.
For My Sir, beginning D/s has been even harder and in the first 9 months I offered to let this journey go at least 3 times stating our wonderful marriage was not worth losing for this. My Sir saw my submission as such a wonderful gift that he kept on, believing he couldn’t give it up. In his true loving fashion he researched, communicated openly and did a lot of soul searching. We learnt to ‘talk about sex,’ a taboo in our life previously. There has been heated discussions, crying, sulking and tantrums on my part and he has learnt to ‘punish me’, and we are growing. I have become his sassy sub and he has grown from my ‘chicken dom’ to ‘ soft dom’ to now my ‘sensual dom’ who knows I won’t break.
We both carry baggage from our upbringing but are talking the issues through and getting there. He believes that by giving him my submission I gave him back his manhood and purpose. It has enabled me to not be in charge all the time and to grasp the freedom to be myself. As others have stated, D/s is making an already strong marriage even stronger.
To say the journey beginning D/s has been easy would be lying, but after 15 months of trials, errors and success we are living a ‘24/7’ D/s relationship outside of working hours. Finding this online community, after 9 lonely months, has helped normalise D/s, supported us and helped us to grow, especially for My Sir. The SWC community has been a Godsend.
To read more posts about Building a D/s Dynamic please follow the link.