Beginning D/s and finding support

Beginning D/s and finding support

It is not unusual to have people say it must be easier beginning D/s within a long term marriage. I believe that may be true for some but not all. The day I suggested D/s to my husband I’m sure he was shellshocked and thought it couldn’t be real. Months later when he found me in the hallway waiting for him kneeling naked in full submission (yes, a cliche, I know) I’m sure he was overwhelmed, excited, fearful and wondering whether to run.

We have been married for 37 years and known each other since I was 18, 40 years ago. We have always had a strong communicative marriage, with the usual roller coaster ride full of ups and downs over the years, but never a very sexual one.

To think that our D/s journey has been easy would be lying. The first 9 months created chaos in our marriage. It has been hard and I have gone from being a non-emotional, down to earth alpha female to a blubbering mess, with emotions all over the place some days. Coming from backgrounds where minimal affection and emotions were shown this was unusual. Letting my softer, emotional submissive and possible big girl side out at the age of 57 was difficult. Being an alpha at work and in the community, and the matriarch in our family and the one who has driven our life for almost 40 years, the change was difficult but even more-so for my loving husband. He had not imagined his wife as a submissive, even though we are now able to see the markers were there all along.

My Sir was brought up in a strict European, catholic household, led to believe men don’t restrain or hit women, they protect and care for them as equals. D/s does exactly this but at the time he did not understand this. We are practicing Christians as well so he had to ratify our Christian beliefs with the D/s ideals. Therein lay the problem, no education in the sexual or sensual (remember we are from an older generation), misled by family, church and medical practitioners (but that’s another issue). We feel we have been cheated of our time together.

For My Sir, beginning D/s has been even harder and in the first 9 months I offered to let this journey go at least 3 times stating our wonderful marriage was not worth losing for this. My Sir saw my submission as such a wonderful gift that he kept on, believing he couldn’t give it up. In his true loving fashion he researched, communicated openly and did a lot of soul searching. We learnt to ‘talk about sex,’ a taboo in our life previously. There has been heated discussions, crying, sulking and tantrums on my part and he has learnt to ‘punish me’, and we are growing. I have become his sassy sub and he has grown from my ‘chicken dom’ to ‘ soft dom’ to now my ‘sensual dom’ who knows I won’t break.

We both carry baggage from our upbringing but are talking the issues through and getting there. He believes that by giving him my submission I gave him back his manhood and purpose. It has enabled me to not be in charge all the time and to grasp the freedom to be myself. As others have stated, D/s is making an already strong marriage even stronger.

To say the journey beginning D/s has been easy would be lying, but after 15 months of trials, errors and success we are living a ‘24/7’ D/s relationship outside of working hours. Finding this online community, after 9 lonely months, has helped normalise D/s, supported us and helped us to grow, especially for My Sir. The SWC community has been a Godsend.

To read more posts about Building a D/s Dynamic please follow the link.

19 thoughts on “Beginning D/s and finding support

  1. Thank you for sharing your journey with us! I think it is incredibly beneficial for people starting the lifestyle be able to see the good, bad, and the ugly in the journeys of others. There is such a great community here. D/s IS a challenging transition for a long-term marriage. My husband and I had been engaged in our power exchange dynamic for several years before he was able to articulate just how odd it was for him to “discipline” me….how that went against everything society had taught him as a man. Of course now, for us, we see it was the right choice as it brings much harmony to our marriage (and incredible sex!) but you never know that when you are plunging off the cliff the first time. Great post 🙂

    1. Thank you Naughty Nora for taking the time to comment. D/s is definitely a challenging transition in a LTM. I’m glad it brings harmony to your marriage, and Yes the sex is So much better.
      Quite a few Doms have commented on the difficulties reconciling D/s with society’s moral expectations, and their love and care for their wives/submissives. The SWC chats are helping My Sir to change his thinking.
      😊Aussie Girl

  2. I throughly enjoyed reading your blog, we are also in our late 50’s who found BDSM later in our marriage and we can relate. I wish y’all all the success in the world and enjoy and have fun, just like I say to Sub Elizabeth it is our last hooray and let’s make the most of it.

    1. Hi Mike,
      Thanks for commenting. There seems to be more and more of our age group joining each week. I’m glad you enjoyed the read, and yes we need to make every minute of our life together count.
      😊 Aussie Girl
      Ps love your pic, we worked the last six years on remote cattle stations in Outback Queensland. My Sir did a bit of mustering, processing and bore running.

  3. “The SWC community has been a Godsend.”

    And now when new people show up with questions and confusion they say, “AG & Mr. C. are a Godsend!”


  4. I love this post AG. I think you are right that we focus so much on the great bits and people don’t tell you about the times that you doubt yourself and feel you are stuck. I always like to say that nothing this good comes without hard work because I do feel like I am living a fairytale in some senses but the high highs do come with some low lows too. I feel like I just feel so much more of everything in this dynamic – like it is all dialled up. I think this post will be really helpful to others starting out too. Thank you for posting it and for being such an active part of this community. Missy x

    1. Sorry I had not seen this earlier Missy and replied. We have had a rough school term and just been through another of these moments, hopefully our last. It is nice of you to think that the post may be helpful for some, I hope it is.
      Thank you and HL for creating such a great space for us to be a part of.

      Aussie Girl ❤️

  5. Loved reading about your journey ag. Thank you for sharing your experience. I know that when we share, we help others who are going through the same things and don’t know where to ask for help. I’m so glad you and MrC found Safewords.


  6. I’ve been reading through a lot of the blog posts and this one really spoke to me tonight. My husband and I have only been at this for about 3 weeks and are already in our first break! I did laugh a but when I read “I offered to let this journey go at least 3 times stating our wonderful marriage was not worth losing for this.” I said just the same thing this morning. It’s so confusing, difficult and frustrating right now but its nice to hear that its will all be worth it after we learn and get settled. Thanks for the hope! 🙂


    1. So sorry I had not seen this earlier and replied. We have had a rough school term and just been through another of these moments, hopefully our last. My Sir and I seem to have really turned the corner this time.
      The D/s journey is well worth it, but may take a while to settle. It can be “confusing, difficult and frustrating” at times, especially when adding to a long term relationship. In our case 40 years. Though we have always had a loving, trusting marriage, D/s takes trust to a whole new level, especially if you are turning the tables on your relationship. I was so happy MamaGrimm to hear in chat that you are both moving forward.

      Wishing you all the best.
      Aussie Girl 😊

  7. Thanks so much for sharing. I’ve just started realising my attraction to D/s in the bedroom (don’t think it’s a lifestyle thing, at least not at this point) five years into our marriage, and my husband has been thrown. We are both strong Christians serving on the mission field and I feel like there isn’t anyone I can talk with about this – discussing sex in the Christian context is already so taboo. I feel there’s no way to bring up this seemingly strange dynamic that nonetheless is so attractive to me. We are figuring it out and talking a lot but I am hungry to hear from other Christian couples, so thanks so much for taking the time to write out your story.

  8. Thank you for sharing. Its been an exciting yet highly stressful start to our journey… thank goodness I came upon the Safeword , HusDOM , subMrs, yourselves submissy and other married D/s couples.

    It is weird because most stories start with the sub requesting the dynamic. I as the Dom took this initiative and most days it feels like this doesn’t work (lol)

    My key question is how to help a sub develop in submissiveness? My lb , having had to survive as a single mother is used to making her decisions and having control so letting that go is extremely difficult for her. She also (once rules were agreed) has pushed back to the point where i back off ( I do suffer from being a nice guy but more I importantly do not with to see her suffer that not why I suggested this dynamic)

    Glad to be here, looking forward to connecting learning developing

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