The Ruby Glow is a “dual-action vibrator and intimate massager.” According to Rocks Off who make the toy, when you try it “you will understand what makes it an exhilarating hands-free ride. It is a saddle-style, non-penetrative clitoral vibrator which can be used even when fully clothed. Shopping online, working from home, and reading erotica are re-imagined when riding the Ruby Glow.”

 

I first saw The Ruby Glow at Eroticon where is was showcased by the lovely Tabitha Rayne, author and artist, who designed it. I was struck not only by the uniqueness of the idea, but also by the way it looked and felt. We own a Rock Chic, also by Rocks Off, and despite this being quite old now it is still an active part of our toy box, so I made the assumption that the quality of the Ruby Glow would be the same. I was not disappointed.

 

The first thing worth noting about the Ruby Glow is the packaging. It is classy and understated which is really nice for a sex toy. I can see that it would appeal to the type of person who might not usually use sex toys or might be buying or trying for the first time. The vibrator itself is also lovely to look at. It is smooth and silky to the touch which makes it ideal for its clothes-on or clothes-off opportunities.

 

Because it is a sit on ride, the tagline is pleasure for the seated lady, it suits those who want to be hands free or are less mobile. This was a first for me as I usually lie down and hold a vibrator to my clit. What it did mean was that the whole area was stimulated, clitoris, vagina and also the public bone. Because people are all different shapes and sizes, there may be a difference in how it feels. For me it worked well and also tingled around my anus which was an added bonus.

 

Bearing down on it means that it is quite powerful for a battery toy and it is easy to rub against it with the parts that you want to stimulate. In addition there are a number of different speeds and pulse patterns for each of the two power buttons. These are easily accessed as they are right at the front but it took me a while to find one which suited. It was a case of pressing through them if you lost the one you wanted but I think this would be easier the more you used it.

 

As a simple girl, a straight buzz is what I like best but for those who are more adventurous, like variety or want to edge, there are loads of different combinations, meaning that you would likely find one that you enjoyed. It takes a while to get used to them and the two buttons work separately so where it provides versatility and flexibility, it is also quite complicated to get to know. However, exploring is always fun so I wouldn’t use that against it.

 

The Ruby Glow is made of body safe silicone which means it slides across your skin without too much drag. I did notice after use that it had picked up some dust which I was able to remove with toy cleaner. It is sold as splash proof rather than waterproof so I was careful when cleaning it especially around the battery area. Being able to be hands free meant that I could pinch my nipples at the same time which was an added advantage as with so many other vibrators I need my hands to stay where they are.

 

The Ruby Glow retails at £39.99 and I think that this is good value for the quality you are getting. It would suit someone who wants hands free external stimulation, those who want to remain seated and those who enjoy different vibration patterns. While it looks good, it is not the most discrete of toys. I also found it to be quite noisy and struggled to switch it off at times. However, overall the novelty of the Ruby Glow appeals to me and I think it would work well for those who enjoy stimulation while they are sitting.

I have always had a good pain threshold. Pain was always something that I could manage and make work for me so I probably would have said back in the vanilla world that I was a masochist, or at the very least, masochistic.  When we started D/s I was able to explore my relationship with pain as well as my relationship with pleasure. I began to move away from the idea of being a masochist at this point really. I suppose I had the opportunity to discuss the use of pain as part of play much more openly with people who did it a lot and I realised that there was a difference in terms of where it took them, which I explored in The painful truth.

What I have learnt, however, is that I am an emotional masochist. This was pointed out to me by my friend furcissy who is a great source of information on all things BDSM. He defines an emotional masochist as “someone who gets arousal or sexual gratification from experiencing emotional suffering.  This suffering can happen in a number of ways.  Humiliation, anxiety, degradation, embarrassment, hurt feelings, and heartbreak are some examples of the types of suffering that an emotional masochist may to.  Basically, things that do not feel good.”

Experiencing emotional discomfort in the form of humiliation and shame is something that takes me to a completely different place than the physical pain and discomfort caused by heavy impact play. Although I enjoy it, physical pain will push me deeper into myself and therefore further from HisLordship whereas emotional pain will draw me out of myself and closer to him. I know that this sort of masochism is not the type which is widely spoken about, and there are often misunderstandings surrounding it. Just to clarify, I am not saying for one minute that I get off on being emotionally abused or mistreated.

What I have found is that these sort of acts, under the right set of circumstances, can be a huge trigger to me finding my submissive space and also to keeping me there. As I wriggle and squirm and am confronted with what I really am, the cognitive dissonance created pushes me deeper and deeper into my own submission, and into subspace. The discomfort can lead to me being so highly aroused that nothing else seems to register. My heart races, my senses are heightened, I am out of control of my reactions and responses and nothing else matters other than the connection that I have to him.

Although I can admit that I am an emotional masochist, I struggle to admit the ‘what’ and the ‘how’ in specific terms. I find it embarrassing: both the fact that I like it and the specifics of what I would like him to do. I don’t want to admit that this is something that turns me on, and I can’t take ownership of the detail of what exactly will press my buttons. It goes against the very idea of what I am, although ironically it is only through the ‘forced’ acceptance and acknowledgement of what I am, that I am able to reach this state and find the freedom that I crave. I cannot ask for what I want because I don’t want to want it, if that makes sense.

Another issue is that because this is something that turns me on, it has become a large part of my inner voice during play. I think there is a hesitation in handing that power over to someone else. I cannot ask him to do this to me; he has to take the control from me and do it because he knows it is what I need and want. And I need him to let me know that is what he is going to do, is doing, and has done. In life I have sought to surround myself with those who will seek to negate the words and thoughts of my inner voice, not work with them, so to take that down a different road with someone I trust and love is a thought which is both exciting and scary at the same time. So I hesitate. And I hide.

It is tricky because I do not enjoy feeling humiliated and ashamed per se, but within the right context and the right environment, with the safety of the person I love, the feelings which come from it will arouse me. The cognitive dissonance created will mean that I am freed of what I was before. I will be reduced to the point that none of that matters. In being exposed for what I am, I can leave that part of me behind. I have nothing to lose because that tough layer of self-protection has been broken apart. It has gone and he has seen what is at the centre. Not only has he brought about my reduction to this, having seen what is left, he still loves me and wants me.

I tried to explain how it worked when writing about the wearing of a tail. Usually the feelings come from doing things which I see as forbidden, or dirty or wrong. Having to admit that I get off on the things I shouldn’t want to do and acknowledge the parts of me that I have always pushed away, causes a level of discomfort that is a trigger to  feeling submissive and aroused. I simultaneously want, and don’t want, to do these things so the two lines of thought from the two parts of me collide. The fact that I have not only permitted it but also got off on it, means that I have to throw aside the sort of girl I feel I should be and embrace the sort of girl I am. That brings a huge sense of freedom. I can just be. I can just exist for him and as what he has made me.

 

Post originally published on submissy

For the last while we have been sending out a weekly newsletter containing details of the theme for the week, and links to the chats, the featured posts and the forum.

As is an issue with a lot of mail like this, it can end up going into the junk folder, especially with platforms like Yahoo, Hotmail and Gmail.  We have a large number of emails bouncing back each week so in an effort to try to tidy things up we have re-issued a confirmation email for those who wish to remain on the subscribers list.  If this is the case, the please click the link on the email and we can update our records accordingly. If you no longer wish to remain on the list then please just ignore the email and we can remove you.

If you have not received a copy of the email then please check your junk folder. If it is not in your inbox or your junk mail then you can email us at admin@thesafewordsclub and we will add you to the list manually.

Apologies for any inconvenience caused; hopefully this will mean that we can have things running more quickly and more smoothly in future. As always, if there is information which you think would be helpful to receive in addition to what is coming out weekly, then please let us know.

Thank you for your continued support,

HL and missy

 

Story-lines and narratives can be a useful part of play, whether this is sexual or non-sexual. In it’s simplest form this may include playing games together where you use your imagination. For example when HL and I are out and about sometimes we make up details and stories about the people we meet, their lives and what they might think and feel. In some ways this can help us to explore things that we might not otherwise be able to and use our empathy to experience a different range of emotions than we usually would, even though this is only on an imaginary level. We can use this to test things out with each other and get ideas of what might, or might not, be a good fit.

 

The interesting thing with using narratives and story-lines is that although the situation or scenario you construct may be imaginary, the feelings that you experience as a result are real. I have a bad habit of imagining myself into a doom and gloom scenario sometimes. HL may be later back from somewhere than I expect and I can go catastrophising though the whole response where I finally get a knock at the door to say that something has happened. I can live it all to the point where I experience the feeling of shock, and the fear, and the nerves. The tears that fall will be real tears even though they are brought on by a journey down the road of an imagined situation.

 

Clearly this is not something enjoyable or pleasant but it does illustrate the power of the mind to allow us to experience something beyond our own reality. I am not one to get particularly involved with characters from TV and films, but books will get a reaction. A well constructed character in a plot I can relate to will leave me feeling what they feel, despite the fact that I know that they are simply words on a page and it has all been born from the author’s imagination. Thoughts are not truths, but the feelings which arise from those thoughts are real responses, even to imagined pain, pleasure, excitement, loss etc.

 

One way that this can be explored through sexual play is through the use of a role. Having a role will lend itself to becoming someone outside of your own experience, even if only for a short time. Within the safety of a secure relationship, it can leave you free to explore the feelings associated with things that you may not be able to do, or want to do, in real life. Usually this can work well if you tap into something that is already there as a part of you, which you can do by using a role which you can relate to. You are not that person and have the safety of knowing that, but as them you can think and feel and respond in a way which may not fit your usual personality.

 

Once you have adopted a character then you have the freedom to follow a narrative which would apply more to them than to you. This can be discussed beforehand or the details can be fed in as things progress. Some people may be able to improvise comfortably, where others may find it easier to have a story-line to stick to so that they can interact within that. To do this as part of play means that you can imagine details which may not actually be accurate. There can be an audience, or a confidante, or an accomplice. A scene in your own bedroom involving just the two of you can be transported to a different time, a different place and involve people who would not usually be there.

 

Many people use fantasy as a way of initiating and/or sustaining arousal which is not a surprise given that the brain is the most important sexual organ. Most fantasy will involve the use of a narrative or a story-line. While this will often be a private thing which is not spoken aloud, to share it between you and allow that to take you to new places together is just moving this on a step. A lot of BDSM play is about experiencing things in a different way. Focussing on the senses means that reality is often suspended for a time, and this leaves you free to choose what your reality will be. Using mindfucks might also be part of this.

 

Another way to incorporate this into play might be to use actual stories to take you somewhere new. Beth explains that “when we first started out if someone had suggested using a narrative to me I would have thought “role play.” I’d read about scenes like naughty student and strict teacher, Master and slave, spy and interrogator, etc. Those stories sounded fun but I’m no actress and role playing doesn’t appeal to me. But Mister Man can spin a good story and erotic stories help me get in the mood and away from my mundane thoughts. I lay in his arms and he whispers in my ear. He’s perverted a few fairytales into kinky stories. With a few tweaks Goldilocks And The Three bears can be used for a gangbang story, Little Red Riding Hood becomes force or coerced sex, Cinderella and the Prince sneak away for a garden tryst. We can explore things that we wouldn’t be comfortable doing in real life or with other people.”

 

You may choose to build the use of narrative and story-line into your play through the use of stories, through roleplay, through fantasy or use parts or all of them. What it will allow you to do is to explore experiences and feelings, reactions and responses which might not have been possible without it. There is no limit to where you can go and what you can do, other than the limits that your own imagination allows you to have. To quote George Bernard Shaw, “Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine, and at last, you create what you will.”  And so they all lived happily ever after. The End.

To quote Bananarama, “It aint what you do it’s the way that you do it, and that’s what gets results.” This is something that I think is important when you are thinking about your relationship, particularly if you are introducing D/s to an existing relationship or thinking about establishing or reviewing the rules and rituals which will help to reinforce it. I recently read Kisungura’s post, Knowing your why and it made me think that so often with D/s, it is not so much what we do but how and why we do it. I realise that at the start D/s can seem that it is something new and different but actually, you really need something that will fit into your life and be sustainable. Unless the life and relationship you have currently is one which requires a complete overhaul, it is likely that you will just be redecorating and remodelling what you have, rather than casting it all aside to start again. So what you do may be similar to the sorts of things that you have done before, but the way that you do it and the meaning and reasoning behind it will often be what has changed.

 

Frequently during discussion, we see that while one couple does it one way, another does it the opposite way. Initially this may seem contradictory but in actual fact, it is because the meaning and the perception of that act to those particular individuals is what counts. I remember a very heated topic chat about service where this became apparent. There were differing views as to what was and wasn’t service, based on what worked and carried meaning for that couple. There really is not a right and a wrong here, expect for the obvious if it works it is right and if it doesn’t it is wrong. This is a rule that HL and I have tried to follow since we learnt the hard way that there was no one true way and that our way was the one for us (although we certainly would not suggest it would be the one for all of you).

 

The rules and rituals which we have serve to reinforce our own power exchange. The things we do are essentially based around respect, self-care, and nurture and over time we have found that the ones that have stuck are the ones which are important to us. Initially we made the mistake of trying to incorporate things which we had read others did, or things which other more experienced people told us we should be doing. This failed, quite spectacularly in some instances. It was hard for me to remember to do things which held no value to us and it was hard for HL to reinforce them for the same reason. Obviously what each couple does will depend on them but, for anyone who is interested, there is more detail about the sorts of things that work for us here and here

 

Some of what we do will help to reinforce the feeling of submission for me and Dominance for him so essentially it is there to support the power exchange. Some will be about me thinking about him and making him the focus and my motivation for what I do. We try to meet the needs of the other and that is easier when you are fully connected on an emotional and on a physical level, so it will be about talking and listening as well as showing the other person that you are thinking abiout them and demonstrating how much they mean through your actions. Through constant effective communication, the level of trust will grow and the level of intimacy that is created as a result will strengthen what passes between you. 

 

I think that whether you are starting out, or part way through your journey it is always good to stop and ask yourselves why you are doing the things that you are. What do they add for you? How do they contribute to your growth as an individual and strengthen you as a couple? Whether you wait for a door to be opened for you because that is part of the respect and care that your Dom wants to show you or whether you hold the door open for him because that is part of how you show your respect and service to him, really is immaterial. Whether you  initiate things sexually because he wants to know that you love and desire him, or wait for him to initiate them because he sees your body as his, will not matter as long as the way that you approach things is adding value to your dynamic. 

 

All so often, when making sense of the world, we tend to focus on the actions that we see without always being aware of the thought and reasoning behind it. Within a relationship, this sort of approach doesn’t really work that well as it can lead to things which lead you to feel like you have failed or have not got it right. It is not what you do but how and why you do it that is important and those are often the things which are not discussed because they are particular to the individual and to the couple. If you can come up with things that fit with your lifestyle and which are significant and hold value to you, then the chances are that they will be easier to implement, to reinforce and to sustain. 

We thought it might be useful to have a post about scenes and play which covered both our perspectives. Clearly the roles for Dom and sub are quite different with regards to the input you have at each stage of the process, but we have both found that there are things that we can do which will help it to be the sort of experience we want it to be. 

Setting the Scene

HisLordship

When you are first starting out planning is key. It may seem a bit forced, and not as sexy as the Dom found in fiction, however, you have to assume that they have planned their scene as carefully as you will be preparing yours!  Looking at it in simple terms, imagine a road trip that needs planning. Decide where you both want to go first, that involves a discussion, and probably one of many if this is new to you both. If you don’t know the exact place on the map, agree at least on the general region. Will this scene involve an orgasm for you, or me or both of us? Many scenes (or just play over a shorter period) do not have to end in an orgasm. Just be clear what each of your needs are and you will be fine. Now that we know how it will end, as orgasms tend to slow things down, let’s look at the prep work for the Dom. 
Location, location, location is important. Comfort for both of you, address any sound issues that may be made which could scar your kids or neighbours. Most people at home use the bedroom, and why not? The bed makes a nice play space and all your tools are close by.  If you are going to use those tools be specific on their use and avoid getting them all out just because you haven’t played in weeks. Pick the ones you want to focus on and have them near by. Get your lube warmed up as well as any other metal or glass tools that maybe used. Consider music as it is great for providing atmosphere and to drown out heavy breathing. 
Now you have your outcome and tools, you can think about how long you will play for and how you can bring it together.  Don’t try to pack a lot into an hour, do what is achievable with time to spare. The same applies with even two or three hours, give yourself some wiggle room to enjoy the experience. Finally, walk through the scene in your head. How will you relax her and draw her into the world you have created? Better to hit an obstacle in your head rather than when she is tied to the bed waiting for your next move!  If you get a bit stuck, discuss it with your sub. She is the one who allowing you to dominate her and therefore plays a valid part. Please do not get hung up on the fairy-tale Dom who can’t make a mistake and has women fainting under his control. This person usually has a dragon and lives in Toy Town; in other words they are fiction and you should not measure yourself against them.

Missy

Being a submissive, prior to the scene I don’t usually have anything to prepare or plan as such. I get the easy job – turn up and enjoy. There are certain things that HL will expect me to have done, however. He has requirements of personal grooming so I will make sure that I am clean and fresh and neat and tidy. My nails will be done and I will try to make sure that my skin feels soft and my body is ready for him. Sometimes there will be specific requirements for me to wear something particular or to do something differently for him. The biggest thing I have to do really is to make sure that my head is in the right place. Of course this won’t always work as planned and so if there is something that I think will affect my ability to give him my full attention, I will communicate this beforehand. I used to have loads of questions – oh the questions! – but that has eased a bit and usually now I can run with whatever direction he wants to take us in.

 

Lights up

HisLordship

They say a journey starts with the first step, so in this case make it a strong one. Exerting my authority in a calm and caring manner by verbalising my needs to reinforce what you agreed on will take control away from missy, and this is very important. She will submit to me, and wants to, as this is our agreement.  Telling her to wait for me to arrive is always a good start. She must be in an exposed position to take her mind away from day to day events. She needs to be focussed on me. This can be quite hard sometimes as both of us were probably being active parents not 20 minutes earlier. Either way, I have a sub who wants to be dominated and I need to turn on the Dom in me and let her feel safe and excited.  Do not rush, be calm and if you find it hard, try to pretend she doesn’t know you, or the other way around as it can sometimes help move away from your traditional family roles. Show her your tools, tell her what each one will do or tell her what you hope to acheive with them. Don’t give any opportunity for doubt in her mind. 

Missy

Once the scene has begun there is really very little for me to do. Once my preparation is done, I will usually be told to wait in a certain position or in a certain place. Although we have not begun to play at this point, I would consider it to be part of the scene. This is the time for me to clear my mind and get my head where he wants it to be. This can be tricky at times and it is often a case of swiping left and right in my own mind in order to try to overcome the thoughts that ask to be considered. The position and situation I am waiting in can ease this process greatly. Some of his requests will make me feel so submissive that my mind is already being led by my body into wherever it is he is going to take me. For example, if I am asked to wait naked on my hands and knees, arse in the air with my legs spread, I will feel the air on my skin and burn with the humiliation. The same will happen if we start with an inspection or something of that nature. Basically something that makes me feel vulnerable will make for the ideal start.  

 

Centre Stage

HisLordship

You could start with spanking, caning, flogging or even just touching. Whichever you chose, think of it as adding a thin layer of sexual weight that will pull her deeper down each time you add to it. Add too much too quick and she will slip though your fingers and out of your grasp. One area which can be a challenge is verbal communication during play. Some say they feel awkward, as though it is not their usual voice or choice of words. My response to that would be that no one is telling you what to say or how to say it. Have your own voice by expressing what you see or how you feel. Your sub is likely to be in a position where she cannot see the thing you do!

Missy

When things are in full swing, I am not really thinking about anything. By then I am feeling the impact of whatever he is doing and I am becoming his, slipping further and further down the rabbit hole with him. That is a delicious feeling and one which is quite addictive. I do need to be aware of my own triggers and limits and communicate those with him if necessary, but he is very good at reading me, so this is not something that I would have to do a lot. I do find that to verbalize my thoughts at this time is quite distracting and can pull me out of my submissive space which is counter-productive, but hearing his voice talking to me and asserting his control over me keeps me firmly there. I know that once I let go, I tend to make more noise but this is not a conscious thing and is something that I would rather not acknowledge, although for him to do so will add to the humiliation and actually push things forward for me.   

 

Curtain Fall

HisLordship

Some scenes or play can be quite short and therefore require little recovery. Equally we have been known to play for hours and this takes a toll physically and emotionally. Most, if not all our scenes are sexual and if my sexual needs have not been met during the centre part of the scene, they will be at the end. This produces two positives based on heightened arousal and need. I am aroused having watched and played with missy’s body over a prolonged period of time, and she is very needy to be fucked. It can’t be put simpler than that. The two combined meet a greater need and that is to be joined together with the intensity you lay exhausted from. Aftercare is important for both of us to recover and to spend time just reassuring each other that the red welts across her bum are okay to be there!  At some point later on we will discuss how things went from start to finish. There is always room for improvement, and that’s what makes next time something to look forward to!
Try to take and give feedback constructively. This may be difficult as there are a lot of emotions involved and a simple observation could hit nerve. If something hasn’t gone as well as expected, talk about it and create a new way of doing it. D/s is, after all, a journey! 

Missy

Once the scene is over, I tend to crash a bit. This is when HL will provide aftercare. I have a huge need to be as physically close to him as I can, often pressing myself into him as much as possible. If I could literally climb inside him I would. Although this is a quiet time, it is a huge part of the process as we are sharing the same emotional space. Following this, at some point, we will talk about what happened and how it went etc. We have sometimes called this roses and thorns as we try to look at what worked as well as what didn’t work quite so well. This is not meant in a critical sense but rather as part of the learning process. This is important for me too as I learn a lot about myself from my own reactions and responses to things and this will help to inform what we choose to do next. It is also time to listen to HL and to look for the responses he likes, the things that he enjoys and the way that various things have made him feel.

Sometimes you just get one of those overwhelming feelings that what you have done is right. That is it has all come together and it is what you wanted it to be. That happened yesterday for me when we held the chat for Emily. As soon as news spread, people began to log on and leave messages in the chat room. There was a strong feeling amongst the group of people that I am close to that we wanted to do something to help not just ourselves, but her other friends too. To have a place to share memories and offer support. I am so honoured that this could be one of those places and that this community could give something back to those who have put so much into it. 

 

Things have been hard for me over the past while and at times I have beat myself up about how badly I am doing everything and I have wondered if what we started here was worth continuing with. I am glad that I found my answer and that, once again, Emily was able to challenge my thinking in a way which made me realise that the path I was walking down was right where I should be. It gave me a shake and let me see that I should cast the self-doubts away and get going with things. Because at the end of the day, friendship matters and community matters, and that is what I have here. 

 

I know that the same thing doesn’t suit everyone. What we hoped to achieve was a community which was friendly, inclusive and accepting of all. Even with that, there will be those who find it a good fit and those who don’t and that is fine. As long as you can find a place that works for you, that is what is important because when you need it most, the fact that you belong somewhere will be what really counts. Often I think we are surprised by the impact that our offers of friendship and support can have on others. A friendly face, a listening ear, a warm and welcoming comment are all worth their weight in gold when someone is struggling with something. I do know that Emily would be quite overwhelmed to learn of the way she has impacted on so many people. 

 

I know that we aren’t all as magnetic and energetic as Emily was: she didn’t just bring this community together, she brought a number of different communities together and that is something quite remarkable. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what can be achieved. All too often these days, we can feel like we operate in isolation. Life just seems to be too busy, too full, too competitive. There is never enough time to take the time it seems. But here in the kink community I have actually found the opposite. I have found people who actively want to help each other with no gain to themselves other than passing on the same support they have received from others. It seems to work in a mutual way and somehow defies the laws of the real world the way it is at the moment.

 

Perhaps it is because we are a little isolated from the rest of the world. Perhaps it is because a lack of understanding has pushed us into the shadows together so it makes for a greater camaraderie and sense of community spirit – I don’t know. What I do know is that I see it over and over, not just here but in many of the groups and platforms that I am part of. I see it at events like Eroticon and I saw it again here over the past few days. We seem to care more about each other. We seem to be more supportive and less jealous. We seem to be more accepting and embracing and less threatened. So really I wanted to say thank you to a community who has let me belong. And to the people who over the last few days have made me see again that belonging is important. 

 

Being open with people pays off. Being honest with them means that you can build relationships that matter and are genuine. Showing your vulnerability doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human and means that people can identify with you and build connection with you. And from those connections come strength and the ability to accomplish so much more than if you were on your own. So wherever it is that you feel you fit, I hope that you can be yourself and that others will respond to that. We are reminded all too well that life can be short and we never know what it will show us next. For me, it is the people who matter. The relationships I have are what bring me the greatest reward and the biggest sense of self worth and so that is where I should put my time and energy. I am glad that, even under these terrible circumstance, I have been reminded about what really matters to me. 

Elust 105 Header Mrs Fever

Photo courtesy of Mrs Fever

Welcome to Elust 105

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #106 Start with the rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

I lost my sexuality for a year.

Stolen Penis

Bright English Mornings

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Flavour of Femme

She Teaches Sex Ed!

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Katy

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

Game On
Rites of Passage Training – Sensual Details.
More than Friend’s: Chloe’s video
Molly: The First
Your Canvas
Sometimes I talk too much
His Dirty Rhythm
In case you didn’t get fucked last night.
Gossamer
Cataclysm
The Girl in Fishnets

Erotic Non-Fiction

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Events

A landmark event for MPB – Public Play

Poetry

-07.04.18_13:49-

 

 

Elust

 

Inside EroticonA few of my fellow bloggers have asked me to write about my experience at Eroticon, ‘a weekend of learning, socialising and fun for sex bloggers, erotica writers and erotic creatives’. I had never really considered myself to be in any of these categories so I was a little worried that I wouldn’t fit in but I was made welcome from the outset. I think a lot of other people there had shared the same self doubts at some point and this was alluded to in the keynote speech given by Girl on the Net. She empathised with my anxiety but encouraged, “your words can change the world.” After a swift and humorous account of the year, she arrived at the conclusion that, “We can’t all do everything but everyone can do something.”  In between she made me think, and I mean really think, about my place in this world and what I can do.

 

The Seminars

During the weekend we attended a number of different seminars and I have to say that I learnt something in each one and came away thinking a little bit differently. We chose a blend of talks which made us think about both the content of our blogs and site as well as the technical side of reaching your audience.  The talk on taboos by Remittance Girl, as well as Annabelle Knight’stalk on erotic writing made me think not just about writing fiction but also about the sorts of challenges that we face as writers of sex and erotica. They picked up on some of the points raised in the opening address and allowed me to feel that I was part of the collective whole.

 

I have always thought that although I can write, I don’t have good imaginative ideas, but listening to these people speak and the suggestions contributed by the audience was bringing my ideas to the fore. This continued during the workshop by Cressida Downing about whether there is a book in your blog. I am not sure the answer to that would be yes, but listening to the questions she asked and the advice she gave made me realise that there probably were ways that I could spin off from what I do here if that was something I wanted to try. It was also great to hear those listening to the talk offering suggestions and ideas and that really was something that was indicative of the whole ethos of the event.

 

Kayla Lords session really set things in a different direction as she talked about how to monetise your blog without selling your soul. This is something that I have never really thought about doing but she made me see that you can do it in a way which doesn’t have to change the content or even necessarily take money from your readers. It can be much more about how to find ways of making your blog work for you through things such as reviews and affiliates. I guess this tied in a little with discussion around the marketing of sex products in the talk given on the adult industry by Nina Saini, which again, had me thinking about things in a way that I never had before.

 

Having recently moved into posting some photographs on my site, the workshop given by Molly about editing was extremely helpful. Again it made me think about the content of what is on my blog but also about the technical side and I learnt about good tools for editing as well as some of the rules of photography that I hadn’t known about. The tips and hints on sizing of images and the cataloguing them were also things that I had known nothing of before so that was a huge help.  Please note, Molly, that my ‘Sinful Sunday’ pictures will no longer be, “the size of a planet.”

 

Michael Knight’s workshop on SEO and fetish.com’s talk on raising your visibility on google were so helpful to HisLordship and myself. Setting up The SafeworD/s Club has left us somewhat floundering in the world of site building, maintenance and repair. While we have the basic skills, neither of us is close enough to computer geekery required to run such a thing successfully, and we have not yet ‘come out’ to our 15 year old son who may actually be able to help. So blindly through the back door of the internet we have crept and are grateful at what was demystified for us over the weekend. In terms of content and technical wizardry we still have a long long way to come but Eroticon left us feeling a little bit wiser and a little bit more aware of the potential that was out there for us to improve.

 

The People

Wow. This part of the weekend was huge. Eroticon is a community and one which is inclusive and welcoming. Overall I was struck but the willingness to share with others without no personal gain other than feeling good talking about a shared interest and love. I suppose because most people are coming at it from the angle of writing being a hobby and a passion it allows for a different, more supportive and non-threatening feel. These people are not just friendly, they have actually become friends over the years and the buzz that creates is infectious. The energy, the enthusiasm and the positivity was palpable and that really helped to make the event for me.

 

It wasn’t just the organisers and participants who were part of this, the sponsors were also people who were passionate about their products and couldn’t wait to share that, and their expertise, with anyone who was interested enough to listen. I have been at other events before where it is a commercial thing but this was much more about sharing their belief in a product that they have a personal connection to. There was never a feeling that it was about money, although many of those attending were trying to make a living, or even just cover off some of their costs; it felt much more like a community celebrating in each other’s success, encouraging and sharing ideas and helping one another to move forward in a very collaborative way.

 

I suppose that really the whole event came full circle for me so that from the beginning where the seed was sown that we all had a part to play, to the end where I felt what that part might be for me on a personal level, there was the feeling that I would not be alone. I was part of a community looking to change things for the better, slowly but surely, piece by piece. This event was so good that I posted the day after about the sub-drop I felt following it. Since then I have so many ideas and projects whirring around my head that I feel as if I am back in the sub-frenzy phase.

 

Obviously a huge part for me was spending time with HisLordship as a couple, doing something that we are both interested in and love. Being away alone together was a real treat and to meet so many fascinating, talented and knowledgeable people was a huge bonus. Although the seminars we attended were amazing, I heard so many positive things of the ones which ran in tandem to them that I could have filled my time two or three times over, which probably answers the question, would you attend again? You bet I would. The weekend was not a budget one but it was one which was hugely valuable and I would happily spend that in order to take part again. Two early bird tickets for next year please!

 

Post originally posted on submissy

When we set up the site we wanted to host the topic chats, which are always well supported, but we also wanted to have a place for members to come and chat about other aspects of D/s with like-minded people. In order for the open chat to work on a new site we thought that having two designated days would mean that people would be less likely to miss each other as they would know when they could come on. As the site has grown, there have often been people here chatting informally at a number of other times which means that the Thursdays and Sundays are no longer necessarily any busier than at other times of the week.

 

We also had open chats initially which were sub and Dom only, but people seemed to want to chat together, so we have found that those rooms became used less and less. Recently some members have said that although the mixed chat is valuable, it would also be good to have some chat which is either geared more for Doms or more for subs. So we have decided to have set topics for discussion on a Thursday from 8pm. This will be pretty flexible and can run at any time really for those in another time zone but that is when HL and I will aim to be on. 

 

Topics for this week are as follows:

Doms discussion: Communication during a scene and its value.

subs discussion: Something I never thought that I would do.

 

We will post the discussion topics on the calendar but have also set up an area in the forums where people can add ideas and suggestions for the Dom discussions, the sub discussions and also the mixed topic chats. We are also keen to hear from anyone who is willing to host a chat on a particular topic. Please don’t feel that you need to be an ‘expert’ for this as we are all learning. The role of the host is much more to facilitate the discussion by asking the odd question and keeping things on track. 

 

The Thursday evening chats at Eastern Standard Time will run in their present format until the end of March when Emily will start her maternity leave; we are pleased to announce that slars and Lars have kindly come forward to step into the breach as is were, so that the topic chats can continue. In addition, Princess has also very kindly agreed to host the Little chat and party so thank you also to her.

 

We would also like to welcome the new members who have been able to join us since our sign-up glitch which lasted far too long, and of course to thank our other members for their continued support during our various IT trials and tribulations. Hopefully March will be a good month; the calendar is now full and we look forward to seeing you at one of the chats.

 

Best wishes,

HisLordship and missy