This is a post that I wrote last year and posted on submissybut it seemed to fit with the ones on consent and on roleplay which were posted here already.

 

Sir and I have talked for a while about trying some ‘resistance play’. We both like the idea of a bit of a struggle and thought it might be something different to experiment with. We hadn’t really talked fully about this and the ways that we might work it into our scenes and play in order to explore it, but I guess that it was floating around somewhere in the background. Anyway, as I said earlier, as part of his birthday celebrations Sir had requested a return visit from Elf. For those of you who follow my blog you may remember that the naughty Elf was a gift on Day 16 as part of my submissive advent calendar. I realise that I never actually posted about the antics that took place, although I know that Sir did include some details on his blog, but I think that he enjoyed the naughty and cheeky way that elf behaved and was looking for a re-run. I should point out here that elf is not really like the usual me and is also not particularly submissive, so there is definitely a bratty, pleasure driven side in there somewhere just waiting to get out when the time is right.

 

So it happened that as a naughty elf was walking in the woods last Saturday, it came upon a beast. Not one to be scared easily, the elf did not immediately run and hide, but approached the beast with some sense of bravado and demanded to know what it what it was doing. Elf commented on the beast’s lack of fur but began to stroke it regardless. Elf noticed then, that the beast had a front tail and the stroking of this, and the area surrounding it, appeared to arouse the beast somewhat. The beast then declared that he would have the elf and show it the full magnitude of his marvellous front tail. Elf being elf was intrigued but was far too playful to give in without a fight. And so, a struggle ensued whereby the beast tried to use his strength and brute force to conquer the elf, and the elf tried to wriggle and squirm its way from the beast’s grasp, distracting the beast with rude and foul remarks designed to make the beast lose his concentration and throw him off his game.

 

The tale of the elf and the beast in the woods is a much longer one than this of course, and it took a few unexpected twists and turns along the way! But suffice to say that the issue of consensual non-consent was a large part. In order for there to be a struggle , there had to be a battle of wills and also of strength. Both the actions and the words used had to communicate this in order for it to really work. Fortunately our hotel room was at the end of a quiet corridor and, being a sunny afternoon, there were also fewer people around. However, had anyone chanced upon our door, they would have deduced from the squeals and the words exchanged and the tone of voice and the thuddy movements and sounds of combat, that this was not a consensual exchange. Did elf say that what it wanted was to be roughly taken by the beast? No of course not for where would the fun be in that? Rather the thrill of the chase and charge of the struggle and the heat that was caused by the exchange added to the final submission when the fight was over and the elf, huffing and panting, finally had to submit to a greater power.

 

Perhaps the role play here gave us the freedom to explore by tapping into lesser used parts of our characters, but really this is just an extension of what we often do. Even HisLordship and missy pull on different connections than those that P and E draw on to function within their different roles. We are husband and wife, Dom and sub, and everything else in between. We can become so lost in the vanilla people that we also are, that it can be good to release and forget those characters for others who are more carefree and fun and more focussed on mutual pleasure. I think that even without the cloak of beast and the elf, we enjoyed the struggle and the resistance, and this is something that we fully intend to explore again in a number of different forms.

 

Being taken with force appeals to me on so many levels. I like to feel small and vulnerable and to be reminded of Sir’s strength and power. I find it so sexy when he ‘forces’ me whether that is in terms of the physical, or simply in asserting his will over me. I also like the roughness and aggression that the abandoning of regular convention brings out in him and I can actually see the dark desire in his eyes. There is a feeling of safe danger, which I know is an oxymoron, but so many of the feelings I experience through this are seeming polar opposites which actually merge together to create something new. Giving consent to be used by Sir as, when and how he likes was a clear part of my submission from the outset. In fact, it was actually something that I had fantasised about for a while and something I saw as being a key part of the relationship, even the before D/s.

 

Was consent present at the time? Yes without doubt it was. Did we sit down at that moment and discuss and agree that what was to take place was the feigning of consent in order to further our scene? No we didn’t because we didn’t need to and that would have spoilt it. We know each other well enough to know that we are not crossing any boundaries that we don’t both want to cross together, and this is because we are dedicated to continual open and honest communication with one another that has allowed us to reach this point. The love, respect and trust is there and so we are both able to let go and enjoy each other in complete safety. That is consensual non-consent and the beauty of it is that it gives you the freedom to let go of many of the societal norms that would usually hold you back, and just let go and enjoy the more primal part of yourself and of your partner.

We recently had a chat at The SafeworD/s Club about Roleplay. In my preamble to the topic I described roleplay as the marmite of BDSM as people either seem to love or to hate it. It turned out that most of us who attended the chat were fans, although we’d all had some good, as well as bad scenes and all felt that there were limits as well as secrets to what would or wouldn’t work. No one wants to fall off the stage, or be left in front of an audience with their trousers down, so I thought that I would share what has and hasn’t worked for us.  

 

HisLordship and I do like roleplay. We have found that it is a good way to introduce new things and to push our own boundaries a bit. We started with school girl scenes, introduced medical scenes and really took it from there. In fact, Sir has even said at times that in the early stages he felt a bit like being a Dom was another role that he was playing. Thankfully since then it has become a lot more natural for him, but I think there is still an element of tapping into that sort of head-space so that he can think and feel as he wants to do. This will happen more often when we are having a high protocol scene and he is being quite formal and issuing lots of instructions. 

 

I think it is important too, when choosing a role, to find something that you feel at least a bit comfortable with. While you may be using roleplay to push your boundaries and fulfil the kinky desires of your partner, for me, it would need to be a role that I could relate to. The ones that are most successful for me are ones where my vulnerability is heightened and also ones where there is some humiliation. That is because these things turn me on anyway so it is easier for me to let go and be responsive to it. I am always submissive in the bedroom so a role where I have to take the lead will be much more challenging for me and will mean that I am more likely to stay in my head instead of letting go. 

 

Passive roles work usually work if you are a sub because most of us are able to follow instruction and be led in the right direction. But part of roleplay is about providing something different than the role that you would usually take. Whatever the role, you need to allow the other person to explore their kink in a way that they would not be able to usually; this is the difference between roleplay and what is your own dynamic. Even with a relatively passive role, such as a slave girl,  you will probably still need to tap into the inner part of yourself that your Sir is looking for and respond to him in that way.  Playing the role of a school girl or a bunny or a slave is not the same as identifying as a little or a pet or indeed being in a M/s dynamic.

 

I have found that often roles which seem to be quite close in terms of what they require can actually be further apart for me that HisLordship might think. There are subtle differences in the way that I see myself and rather than tap into something positive inside, it can actually tap into my inner fears. We had a disastrous scene where he wanted me to be a porn actress auditioning while he filmed me. This was so far removed from anything I would do that my confidence to see it through just fell away. I ended up in a bit of a downward spiral and had to be scooped up and taken in a different direction. So ‘no’ to the porn actress but ‘yes’ to the private dancer. ‘No’ to the high class hooker but ‘yes’ to the courtesan. 

 

This confused me for a while but I have come to see roleplay more as having to fit in with who I am. As a person I think many of us wear different faces for the different roles we have in life and really a role with a sexual theme is no different. As with anything it is about finding the path where your fantasies cross with each other so that you can more easily explore them together. It is thinking about the things you would like to try but are afraid to, and working out if hiding yourself under a different mask will allow you to do that in a way that will mean you can break down the usual barriers which allow you resist. 

 

Roleplay has allowed us to touch on consensual non-consent, primal play, age play, pet play and objectification and realise that these are areas that we would like to explore further. It is an easy vehicle to do this as it can be discussed beforehand so that you have an idea of how your partner will react, but because you are ‘not actually you’, it is easy to let go and take things further than you might usually. For me one of the things that I love is being able to get out of my own head and leave the thoughts that hold me back there behind. If you can escape into this new role then I find that is a relatively easy way to achieve this sort of freedom of mind and action. 

 

If you are just starting out with roleplay then I would suggest thinking about the kind of personality you have and the sorts of things that you like. Do you lean towards the bratty? Do you get excited by fear? Do you like to feel vulnerable or to be overpowered? Are you passive or active? Do you like pain and torture? Do you want to be worshipped or want to be tamed? I think that if you are able to dig deep to find what makes you work then you will be more able to bring that to the discussion about suitable roles and scenarios and then more able to bring yourself to the role that is chosen.

 

We do talk before trying a new roleplay scene, however, this is usually in general terms. We never follow a script although there may be something to set the context, such as a scenario, some dialogue or some instructions which will help to get us started. We will ad-lib from there and go with it together which is why it is important to have something that we can relate to. We usually have quite open ideas and expectations and that fits with the sorts of scenes that we have and the sort of Dominant that Sir is. A Dom who was more particular in expectations would likely have more structure and more instructions so that their desires were met that way. 

 

Because of the way we spark off each other, we have often found that things have come up during role play which we have gone on to discuss after, and then explore and incorporate in our other scenes and play. It isn’t that we go out of our way to keep things hidden usually, but sometimes we have discovered interests and kinks which we didn’t really know were there. In this way we have been able to push our limits a little which is always quite an exhilaration experience. 

 

I guess like every other type of kink and BDSM play, roleplay is something that you either want to do or don’t. Some will enjoy it and find it a good fit and others will prefer to stick with the things that do it for them. I think that, while you need to make sure that you are safe and sane and consensual, it is always good not to take yourself or the activity too seriously. The point is to have fun with it and through that shared pleasure to build a deeper connection with each other. Most of our roleplay will end in sex and at some point along the way, the role will probably take a back seat to the events that are happening and the mask will fall away as we arrive at our destination. 

Consent is a serious topic and it is a complicated and contentious area in BDSM. For us consent is always present unless a safe word is used, but in reality Sir would never ask me to do something that I didn’t want to. The level of trust we have is huge and it means that consent is not really something that we think about, so for me personally, I take a pretty relaxed view. At work, however, I have to make sure that young people understand the importance of making sure that consent in present at the time. We also make sure that they know what the law surrounding sex and consent means for them. One of the great resources we use compares consent to having a cup of tea and this helps to make the point. So I suppose I want to make it clear that what I am writing about here is about how consent works in our D/s marriage, and to make the point that I don’t advocate this being appropriate for other types of relationship, and that I realise our practices may leave us on the wrong side of the law, if it ever came to that.

 

Speaking of the law, I do think that it is wrong that couples engaging in BDSM could be prosecuted for ‘inflicting harm on another person,’ if that activity falls within agreed limits that are consensual. I would argue that whether or not I am left with the bruises and marks from a cane or any other implement, done within the context of our scene, what was carried out was not harmful but part of the way we are showing and celebrating our love. I also think it is wrong that if someone can punch the life out of someone else in a boxing ring and that sort of harm is condoned as being sport, or that someone can cut through another person’s skin and tissue to carry out unnecessary cosmetic surgery and that is condoned as being a surgical procedure, that what we do would not be given the same legal standing. When there is no legal issue from the harm caused from tattoos or piercings, quite why the bruising on my spanked bottom would cause so much contention, I am not really sure.

 

However, the law and public opinion aside, consent works differently for us than for some other couples. If I say ‘no!’ then it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘no!’ If I say ‘I don’t want to!’ it doesn’t necessarily mean that ‘I don’t want to!’ If I say ‘stop!’ then it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘stop!’, so I do see why some people feel it is confusing. The thing is that in BDSM you have to understand the other person, be aware of their needs and wants, and also of their limits. Add to that the trust that all of this will be communicated, respected and observed and clearly you are dealing with something much more complex than it may at first appear. Obviously there are never any guarantees so I should point out that to protect us both, if I say ‘red’, it will all stop. This will be immediate and absolute and until a proper discussion has taken place and we have agreed how we are going to move forward, any previous agreement is on hold. As a testament to the way things work in a D/s marriage like ours, calling ‘red’ is not something that I really have to do and have never done it during a scene or kinky play, but it is there as a safety measure nonetheless, and is a key control to have when you are doing things which could ‘inflict harm on another person.’

 

So why say ‘no’, or ‘don’t’, or ‘stop’ if you don’t mean it? Well I think there are a couple of reasons for this. The first is that there is a huge grey area between what the brain wants to limit and what it wants to experience. I suppose it is due to our need to protect ourselves, and we respond to our anxiety in order to do that. Sometimes you are caught up in the fight or flight reaction when your brain wants to either halt everything by freezing to let the danger pass, or let your body take over and run for your life to escape it. This is all well and good when the danger is real, but when it is only perceived, I think that we can limit ourselves by responding to it. My own hangups and fears would certainly restrict the choices I made if I let them. And sometimes, that is exactly what I do. Sir knows this and so sometimes if I have a little shove, a little bit of reassurance and a bigger purpose (pleasing him), I can push past my own limits to experience something new that I will really enjoy.

 

The second reason, is that it is fun. A lot Domination and submission, especially in play and scenes, is about theatre. You know that you are safe, but the fear of the unknown can pump you full of adrenaline which gives the whole thing a bit of thrill. To pull against your bonds and realise that you are stuck in a vulnerable position brings excitement; to allow yourself to be played by a mindfuck means that you can experience things in a way that differs to your norm. Essentially, you can keep it all fresh and new and exciting, and in a sexual sense, to be able to do this in a long term relationship is a little bit like finding the holy grail. Everything in D/s play is heightened – your senses, your emotions and therefore, consequentially, your experiences.

 

Essentially a lot of it is illusion which is why I think that many find it so difficult to understand. The submissive standing naked in the corner knows that her Dominant does not see her as inferior to him. The submissive being told she must endure just five more strikes, knows that she is going to feel pleasure and not pain. A true Dominant can not be compared to someone who is willingly inflicting pain on someone. He does what he does out of love and with the highest regard for the safety, for the well-being and for the pleasure of the submissive, and this is what is often not seen or understood. Ultimately both parties know that the pain, the humiliation and the fear will translate into pleasure and safety and love. But often in order to experience these things, you have to let go of the things that hold you back, and giving consent to another person to allow you to do this, is one way that works for a number of people.

 

It is only within the safety of the consent that is part of D/s, that Sir and I have really been able to explore who we are. My nature is more cautious and less impulsive than I would sometimes like and, in the past, this has held me back and prevented me from admitting to some of the things I really wanted to experience. Sir is by nature caring and protective, so for him the same is true as it is only really within the structure of the D/s that he has felt safe to explore and enjoy some of the things that involve his darker more deviant side. Through all of this we have built an intimacy and closeness that means that we pretty much know what the other needs and wants, so to have to go back to a more conventional interpretation of consent would mean communicating in a completely different way which would be a backwards step for our relationship.

 

Originally posted on 

In the relationship we have, consent is taken as a given.  This is because we trust each other and communicate fully with one another.  We have discussed limits, both hard and soft, and we make sure that we revisit these often.  We talk after each scene or play session and will go over what worked well and what didn’t.  We talk about how we felt both physically and emotionally and Sir will use that to inform future play, and the direction that we take.  We are both of an age to have had a variety of life experiences, not all good, and have talked through things which could be, and have been, triggers.  Sometimes it is not obvious that something will trigger a response and if this has happened we have stopped and talked about it, either adapting things and continuing, or choosing not to carry on depending on the circumstances.

 

In building the anticipation of a scene, Sir will always give me an idea of what he has in store.  This is good as it allows me to be in the right head space, but also means that I can raise any concerns that I might have.  During a scene he will communicate with me all of the time, telling me what he wants and expects from me, but also asking questions which will let him know how I am doing.  He checks in with me throughout and when we first started we also used a number scale to rate pain and pleasure so that he got used to my limits and could gauge what my responses meant.  These days he can tell from my breathing, the way my muscles move or my toes curl etc how I am doing.  He will still ask but he is able to read the signs as well. At the beginning of a scene, Sir will remind me of my safewords and ask me to use them if I need to. I have rarely had cause to ‘red’ and stop things but I have used a ‘yellow’ on a few occasions so that he knows I am struggling and, depending on the situation, he will either reassure me and slow down, or ask me to talk to him about what I am finding hard.

 

We do not have a contract and I know that for some, our arrangement might not be robust enough.  But we are a married couple who have known each other for 10 years.  We share everything and have invested everything into building a life together.  We have trusted each other with our children and that trust has allowed us to grow into a strong family unit together.  Our relationship has so many more facets than just our D/s and we are reliant on each other daily.  We have woven a life together, which this dynamic has enhanced, but we would be together with or without it so I think that sometimes I don’t make it clear that safety and consent is an ever present thing.  Sir takes my safety, as his wife and as his submissive, seriously.  In order to focus on meeting the needs of another and put that before your own needs, you have to have complete trust in the other person and we are lucky in that respect. This means that we both feel safe and while I know that being married offers no guarantees, we are both investing all that we have into making ours work.

 

I have said a number of times that D/s offers me an intensity and intimacy that I had craved for a long time.  Those feelings, while taking you to the highest of highs, can also leave you emotionally, and sometimes physically, vulnerable.  At the end of a scene, Sir will spend time on aftercare.  During this time he will take care of any physical needs that I have, including rubbing cream into my skin to limit bruising, making sure that I have had some water, am warm etc.  He knows that I am needy of his closeness too so he will hold me tightly so that I can feel his presence. He will keep me like this as I slowly come down.  Sometimes we will drift off to sleep for a bit if our scene has lasted for a long time as often we are both exhausted.  He will check that I am ok and, when I am back with him, I will check that he is ok too.  I will always thank him as I appreciate what he does for me and know how lucky I am.  Following a scene I will feel like I am completely his and I can be quite needy of him; he understands that and will try to keep close.  I hope that this has clarified things a bit.  What I write about requires complete trust that can only come from a strong emotional connection and the knowledge that your emotional and physical welfare is being taken care of.  The need for things to be consensual and safe, and for there to be proper care taken afterwards, cannot be stressed enough, and those are key requisites for a D/s relationship.

 

Originally posted on submissy

Anal play is something that I have posted about a bit on submissy but as anal sex was the prompt for Kink of the Week I thought that I would add my thoughts here too. Anal was something that I had thought about before HisLordship, but had never been with anyone who had suggested it, so like with most things I kept my fantasies hidden and didn’t suggest it either. I knew Sir for quite while before we were together and the first time we were in bed together he asked if he could put his finger in my arse. I said yes and in a deep, low whisper directly into my ear he told me just to relax. I melted, did as instructed and at that point I knew that this relationship was different to the ones I had been in before.  I think we both knew pretty quickly that it was something we had to hold on to, and were excited to explore the hidden fantasies that we had both held silently for so long, enjoying the kink and finally arriving at the D/s dynamic we have today.

As 2017 draws to a close, we wanted to thank you all very much for your continued support with The SafeworD/s Club. It was always our intention that this should be a community which was defined by the members and you have all helped in establishing a place which is welcoming, inclusive and supportive. It has been brilliant to see such a diverse group who have been willing to give up their own time, experience and knowledge to become involved and share with others. 

We are pleased to announce the arrival of our brand new SWC Book Group. Please CLICK HERE to join the group and then we will keep you up-to-date via email about what is going on.

 

Details of book chats and discussion threads can be found on OUR FORUM where you can also get involved by joining the discussion threads, sharing your thoughts and making suggestions.

 

The first chat will be a WELCOME CHAT which will take place this Sunday, DECEMBER 3, from 9:00 pm – 10:00 pm GMT.  The chat this time will really be an introduction to what our brand new book group is going to involve. So please come along and join Miriam, slars, and cc in THE LIBRARY to say hello and find out how it is all going to work. 

 

For more information about the book group, please see the group admins, Miriam, littleloveslars and cc.

In one of the early blog posts on submissy I wrote about the fact that HisLordship asked me to practice 9 positions of submission. What we did was to use one a week and I would get myself into position each evening before bed. He would then tweak and alter my position until it was to his liking. Sometimes it led to further play and sometimes not but we found it useful as a reference point for when he wanted to instruct me at another time and I leant exactly what he wanted.  A few people have asked me for the positions so, below, are the ones we used.  I know that there are a lot of other versions if you google and I think that the best idea is to find what works for you and pleases you both.  Continue reading “9 Positions of Submission”

When we first started out, HisLordship and I looked over a limits list together.  It is really important in a D/s relationship that you are aware of what each other’s limits are.  The open communication you have together mean that it is usually not a difficult thing to discuss and it can actually be a great way of working through any embarrassment that you may have. We actually had a lot of fun doing it and it was also quite hot to be talking and thinking about all of the things that we might one day do together. 

Tomorrow is World Metal Health day so I wanted to take a minute just to raise awareness for that.  At work we are wearing a ‘touch of yellow’ in order to highlight this as there are growing numbers of young people in schools who are managing with mental health issues.  Since joining the wonderful world of Domination and submission I have made loads of amazing friends but I have been surprised by the numbers of those who are managing, or who have managed, mental health issues of some sort. Clearly I do not believe that there is a link between D/s and mental health issues, quite the opposite in fact.  In reality a large number of the people who I have spoken to actually feel that the D/s has helped them to manage their difficulties in a positive way. Continue reading “Hello Yellow”