give and take - gift wrapped presentOur theme this week is ‘festive fun’ so it seemed to make sense to think about giving. There is a huge focus on giving during the festive period and it is also a key part of any D/s relationship – giving is for life not just for Christmas as they say and that certainly works for us! As with anything, I think how this works for a couple will vary and there is often a lot of discussion during our chats about what would and wouldn’t be acceptable in terms of what we give to each other. I know that some subs feel that what they give is their submission and that is really where it ends. They would not feel that they could give spontaneously as it would be up to the Dom what he or she wanted from them. Then there is the opposite camp, where we fall, where submission is an active thing.

 

Our experience is of a relationship where we use the power exchange to build a circle of neatly balanced give and take. By submitting to HL, I feed his Dominance and vice versa. This means that sometimes you are giving and sometimes you are receiving but that is the way that we have found works best for us to keep this working as a long-term livable lifestyle. I dare say that there are some submissives out there who are with Dominants who crave so much control that they are able to issue instruction after instruction and for that to be gratefully received. We are not like that and really, even once the family has grown and we have more time alone, I don’t think we would want to sustain that for more than a set amount of time. We have played with a high protocol ‘Collar Time’ when things work well like this, but sustaining the dynamic within our lifestyle means that this is not possible, or really desirable, as something to do all of the time.

 

I am not sure how much of this is down to the fact that we were already in a long term relationship when we make the decision to weave Dominance and submission throughout it, but certainly we felt that we loved each other and we worked well as a couple so it was more a case of tweaking things than re-writing and starting again. We were reluctant to lose ourselves to these new roles that we were embracing, so kept what was good and added what was ever better. I say all this because whenever the topic of giving is discussed there are those who will suggest that being active is ‘topping from the bottom’. This pisses me off really and, while I fully accept that others do things differently, as I am writing this post I get to write about what works for me. My kink may not be your kink as they say.

 

So for us, and for many couples who will read this, a big part of the dynamic is about giving. A Dom gives safety, structure and nurture. A sub gives service, obedience and respect. But really in any healthy relationship, both parties will be giving these same things, all-be-it they may be carried out and perceived in a different way. If the relationships is based on communication, trust, respect and honesty then both have to be continually giving these things. Sometimes this may be as a response to the other partner, but sometimes it might have to be in a more active way. In relationships where this doesn’t happen I have seen it lead to quite big issues when something gets in the way of the Dominant.

 

This will often be through no fault of his own, perhaps external factors have challenged his control in some way or another. What can happen is that he no longer feels as Dominant and therefore no longer behaves in such a Dominant way; he is less ‘active’ with it perhaps. In my mind, the sub can support him to feel more Dominant again by activating his Dominance through her own behaviour. How each couple chooses to do this will depend on their relationship and personalities, but I do think that waiting until he ‘comes back’ can end up being a long and lonely wait where you both end up falling out of your mindsets, and subsequently out of the dynamic a bit. These posts,  Active Submission and Actively Submissive, explain a bit more about how it works for us but essentially, giving is good for you.

 

Each year, as part of the build up to Christmas, we have tried to acknowledge the value of giving by celebrating what we feel about each other. Although this is something that we are doing all year round, we are only human and we do allow other things to pull the focus away from each other and onto the stuff of our lives at times. The first year I was blogging I began a submissive advent calendar, where I posted a gift for HL each day on my blog and it worked really well. Last year we took it day about with a D/s advent calendar. This was fun but if was difficult as sometimes the ‘gifts’ didn’t work well for that person that day so it had more limited success. We learnt from that and this year are trying the D/s Advent Calendar again, but we pre-agreed the activities so that they could fit in with our other commitments and we also had time to plan where necessary. So far it is going well; I have posted posts about some of the things we have done and will post the complete list at the end.

 

Other related posts by HisLordship: Merry Christmas

 

missy middleI have lots of friends who identify as being little and are in DD/lg type dynamics. I had always thought that wasn’t me so it came as a shock when I finally realised that actually it was. I think it took me so long to work out because I wasn’t very interested in the things that I typically associated with being a little, namely stickers and colouring and cartoons. What I came to realise is that the same sorts of feelings of slipping into a part of myself which is young and carefree and silly and naughty were there for me, they just fitted with something older than my little friends. Because of this I would describe myself as being a ‘middle,’ which is more of a teen, although I don’t have a set age in mind.

 

For me, being middle is a headspace that I will slip into. I am not like this all of the time. It comes about when I feel safe and secure. So far this hasn’t really been sexual for us although if we are using roleplay and I am being a schoolgirl or the naughty elf, a lot of the same parts of me seem to come out. I would describe it as a space that I get into which allows me the same freedom I can find during play, but without the play if that makes any sense at all. There is a letting go, and the result is a much younger, much sillier, much more mischievous me. Although I have always recognised that this part of me was there, adult life seemed to squash it down a bit, but the safety and security of our D/s dynamic allowed that to come to the surface.

 

As a Dom HL is very nurturing and caring. Although he will take the lead and enforce rules etc, I would not describe him as being one of the scary Doms.  I think that the nurturing and protective approach he takes towards me was partly what allowed this side of our dynamic to come out as there are parts of our relationship which give it elements of the caregiver/child (having a bedtime, rules about what I eat and drink etc). I know that some people are very uncomfortable with these sorts of dynamics but it in no way means that he is attracted to children or to teens in a sexual sense. The way I see it, to say that a Daddy Dom must be a secret paedophile is no different than saying a masochist is a secret wife abuser. We are still firmly us, albeit a slightly different part of us than the rest of the world would see.

 

In order to make it easier to manage at the start, I became lime (sublime lol). Being lime meant that I could separate that from my vanilla world self and from missy. Being missy feels like me, but there was also part of me which can’t always be expressed on that level. I am not a bratty sub and I want to please HL so as missy my focus is on being the best submissive that I can. I think that some of mischief and naughtiness I have as a person was put on hold as I tried to make sure that I was always respectful, and this is something that lime can use in abundance.  HL doesn’t identify with being my daddy although he does as a caregiver. As a result, lime is cared for by Major Herbert Lemon, a fantastic old sport, who she absolutely adores.

 

I would definitely say that we are not at the end point with exploring this dynamic and it is probably true to say were are still in our infancy (pun intended). As things have moved along, we don’t always find that we need Lemon and lime in the way that we did as we are generally more comfortable with the way things are. They are still fun though and lime does get bought special treats. Sometimes now it will slip over into the other parts of us and I suppose we have a way of knowing what will be tolerated and what won’t be. HL encourages my middle side as I think he knows it brings me a sense of release as well as actually quite liking that part. I can get away with things in that headspace which wouldn’t be appropriate otherwise so the lines are drawn in a different place.

 

So what do middles do? I like shopping for clothes, painting my nails and makeup. I like listening to music loudly on my headphones, talking to my friends online, adore girly chat and I know it is wrong but I do also love gossip. I like pretty things like cushions, fairy lights, candles and baths with fizzers and bubbles. I love clothes and jewellery and I especially like shoes and boots. I keep my things safely tucked away but like to get them out and look at them (I sort of hoard stationery, toiletries and cosmetics). I like dressing up, planning out outfits and accessorising them. I like doing craft, baking, going online and I am addicted to my phone and iPad. I like reading, journaling and love my blog. I like cuddles, hugs and feeling small and safe. I like being touched, stroked and patted on the head. I like holding hands and being led along; I like dancing and skipping. I like having to ask permission for things and being given treats and rewards. I love being praised and told that I have done well. I like being silly, getting up to mischief and teasing Major Lemon and being tricky around him, so I exaggerate a bit and make things up. I love being under a blanket watching TV with him while we eat sweets.

 

The list above was taken from Little Missy Middle, a post on my own blog, where I have written more about being a middle and what that means. I have also written about it in The Middle Ground and The girl in me. I think that, as with everything, what you feel and how you make the dynamic work is different for everyone. I think that for me, it was summed up really well by my friend C for now who said, “He has become your new “Daddy”. You loved him but now you love him more. You trusted him but now you trust him more. He now shields you, protects you and guides you more. He gives that inner girl a safe place to indulge her fantasies and he watches over her as she plays. Things that worry you make you think of him. But…, but when the day has been long you long to indulge in him. He is the rock by which you know that you are good.”

As the focus for this week is spanking, we thought it would be good to get a bit of an insight into what some of us like about spanking, how we use it, and how it adds to our dynamic. Personally I have written a lot on my own blog about the topic and this is because we see it as being quite central to our relationship. In addition, I am a self-confessed spanko so really the more the better, however, the sound of your mum’s bum being struck repeatedly by your dad tends to raise suspicion so we have not been able to embrace as fully as we would have liked, the real pleasures of this past-time.

What we thought would be good would be to have a bit of a collaborative approach to this post, as what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another. As a result it has been co-authored by HisLordship, Purple Sole, littlegem, Mister Man and Beth. There are also links at the bottom of the page (pardon the pun) to other posts that we have written that will expand on what we are able to say here.

 

missy

I love being spanked. I enjoy humiliation play so part of it is the feeling of embarrassment and exposure as my bottom is presented and uncovered for HisLordship. We mostly engage in erotic spanking and being over his knee is my favourite position as I love the physical contact with him. It will send me into a submissive head-space pretty fast and I will drift off, becoming lost in the exquisite combination of pleasure and pain. That position also means that he has a hand free to play with me and he will mix it up, combining heavy strikes, pinches and even bites with a bit of attention to my clit and arsehole. Often by the end I am thoroughly relaxed and ‘able to take anything’, as he so tenderly says.

Spanking is also a really good reset for us. We have often used it if things have got off track a bit as it puts each of us firmly in our respective head-spaces. This sort of spanking is not erotic like the other type, but neither is it a punishment. It is a connector and usually goes along with a dialogue where he is resetting the terms and commitment to each other that we have both agreed to abide by  on a D/s level. It pulls us back in a physical sense, combining the emotional connection that we thrive on with something very physical and allowing us to put whatever has happened behind us (pun not intended this time) so that we can move forward together again, feeling good in our Dominance and submission.

 

HISLORDSHIP

Spanking for us is usually an activity done in the prone position, as opposed to standing up. With missy being shorter than me, spanking homoerectus can put a bit of a strain on the lower back. The other reason is that we both like to be real close. I get a lot from this on a personal level (see post below!).

Following best practice I do tend to start very lightly with the odd pinch and rub. The blood flow is important and it also gives us time to relax into it.  Pinching, rubbing and tapping all slowly builds the next phase of getting some sound from the skin.  I should say clitoral stimulation is also important for us so I will occasionally touch in that area before eventually bringing a wand into play.

By the time we have warmed up and I have a good rhythm going I will check in with missy to ensure she is okay to go further; she has never said no and that is my cue to turn up the vibrations and the impact.  The great thing about spanking is you can play around for as long as you wish, going back and forth until finally when I want an orgasm it’s never far away!

 

little gem

Spanking for us is usually used as a warm up to further impact play. It’s something we used to do daily like a maintenance, but decided to instead do a longer session once a week. It became quite intense to do more frequently as I enter into sub-space quite deeply.

I enjoy the mix of pain and pleasure that a spanking gives me, especially when it gets harder, the tingles it sends through my body. The feeling of PurpleSole’s hand against my warming bottom makes me feel connected to him and appreciate his Dominance.

 

PURPLE SOLE
I usually get Gem to stand against a door, maybe shackle her hands. I rub, nip and squeeze her skin before beginning the spanking, so it gets nice and rosy. I feel its important to keep a close physical connection so she can feel my body next to hers. I prefer the spanking to be more like a slap rather than a thud so use an upward motion, maybe I just like the way her bottom moves.

 

Beth

When I first started researching D/s I came across spanking. Erotic spankings didn’t interest me. Being corporally punished for breaking protocol, being in the wrong position, forgetting his title, etc., seemed to harsh; repetition and reminders would work better for me. But I did have a need for motivation with my household chores. I came across Domestic Discipline in my reading and thought that punishment spankings would a practical way to motivate me. Mr Man was very hesitant at first but we talked about it a lot and he reluctantly agreed. The first few times did not produce the remorse and strong desire in me to change, but we kept at it. We discovered that while he shouldn’t punish in anger, I did need to hear his displeasure and annoyance to get to the right head space of remorse and contrition. I’m not spanked often but when I am they are very effective. I really appreciate Mr Man’s willingness to help motivate me in this way.

 

Mister Man

We spank exclusively for correction, as neither of us enjoy them. (We’re actually a bit jealous of couples who are able to spank for fun.) They’ve never been more than a necessary evil, but they’ve never been less than necessary, so we’ve had to explore and embrace the various techniques and mindsets to find what would work for us.

Spanking is always done OTK with Beth completely naked. The vulnerable position and state of undress, outside of an erotic context, helps set the stage for the right mindset of making Beth feel meek and receptive to correction. Once in position, we always start at the other end, meaning we stop and have a lecture so I can get into her head and further cement the distinction between her actions and my expectations. Honestly we never get to this point without the lecture pretty well having already been sorted, so I always start with “Why are we here?” and Beth explains back to me her understanding of what went wrong and what needed correction.

Once in place, the swats begin. I use a silicone paddle that delivers an astonishing sting all at once with no warmup time. (Caveat: most couples are strongly encouraged to warm up before a punishment spanking, both to increase sensitivity and decrease the risk of bruising. We have found that warmups have the exact opposite effect on Beth; they decrease sensitivity and increase bruising! So out they went. This is very much a thing we had to discover for ourselves and I do not recommend embracing this without your own experimentation.) The actual spanking probably lasts no more than twenty to thirty seconds, but those swats inflict a level of pain that goes very deep into “consensual nonconsent” territory.

Afterwards, I move us both up onto the bed and I hold her while she cries. I praise her for submitting to correction and for taking her spanking well. She’s never happy to receive a spanking, but she never fails to thank me for being willing to provide her this level of intense negative reinforcement. We don’t enjoy spanking, but we enjoy the results, so they remain a part of our D/s.

 

Thank you so much to Mister Man and Beth, and Purple Sole and littlegem for contributing to this post.

 

submissy – spanking uncovered
submissy – spanking orgasms
submissy – hand spanking
submissy – a public spanking

HisLordship – spanking
HisLordship – Bumber Command

Mister Man – The other kind of quickie
Mister Man – Empathy and Pain Tolerance

Needle play is something that often falls under the category of Edge Play, meaning that it comes at the edges of what many would view as safe and in indeed sane. This, of course, is subjective but it is a kink that can carry risks and therefore requires some good research before attempting to try it. What we share here is based on our own experience and should be read with that caveat.

 

There are loads of sites out there with information about needle play but we think this one looks pretty thorough and could make a good start to finding out the basics. Talking to others who do have experience is always valuable and you can learn from them as well as benefit from hearing about their mistakes, so never undervalue that opportunity if it presents itself. We were lucky in that respect and it really gave us the confidence that we needed to give it a try. 

 

Having done your research, you need to make sure that you have the right equipment before you start. You will need some medical grade needles, alcohol wipes, surgical gloves and a dressing should you need to apply pressure to a wound area. You also need a Sharps Bin to dispose of used needles in a safe way. We purchased a taster kit from Med Fet supplies which had a selection of needles and all of the other things that you need.

 

The starter kit worked well for us as it wasn’t something which we knew if we were going to love it not. It cost £7.50 which wasn’t too big of an outlay to begin with but gave us what we needed to try it out and keep safe. We were playing at home where the lighting was good and we were able to dispose of any waste properly and keep the area clean, but clearly that would be a consideration for some.

 

We are also in a married relationship where we are fluid bonded and monogamous so the issue of unknown blood borne viruses was not there in the same way it might be for some. There is obviously a risk of infection in any area where you are piecing the skin but, again, we were aware of that and it was a consideration in preparing for needle play as well as in terms of the aftercare provided. Essentially we used the gloves and wipes provided.

 

We had researched the areas of the body which are recommended for needle play and the article linked above shows those best for beginners. We chose the back and tried it first as a test rather than a full blown scene.  This is something we would recommend for new types of play and the method has served us well for a variety of forms of play, allowing us to communicate well about how we are both feeling.  I think where any form of edge play is concerned it is essential that you communicate fully and have a really good understanding of where each partner is coming from.

 

The advantages of needle play are as with many forms of play in that you can use the natural endorphins produced as part of the body’s pain response process to reach a state where you achieve a natural high.  We also found it was a huge emotional connector due to the risk and the high levels of trust required from both sides. In essence, we both experienced a high from what was happening.

 

I think that this sort of play would lend itself to any medical type scene. It could also form a positive part of sensory play, as well as being a thrilling experience for those looking to push or challenge their limits with something which many would consider a ‘no’ due to the risks involved. For us it was a ‘yes’ and is something that we do plan to keep exploring.  To read more of a personal account about our first attempt with needle play please see this post on submissy.

 

 

 

Mystery Vibe cite the Crescendo as “The World’s Most Advanced Luxury Vibrator” and I would have to say that I think there is a lot of truth to that claim. It is one of the most versatile vibrators that I have ever seen. Everything about it is adaptable from the shape to the settings to the way you want to use it. We saw the Crescendo at Eroticon and I was immediately interested in it as a toy which could be used to stimulate my clit during other types of play.

 

From the packaging to the handy case for storing the Crescendo and its charging dock, Mystery Vibe have cut no corners. It is highly portable and would pass through airport security without even raising an eyebrow. The toy itself looks and feels luxurious and comes in a choice of colours – a cool turquoise blue and a seductive purple. The Crescendo is made of body safe silicone and is also waterproof. This means that it is ideal for use both internally and externally, or both at the same time for the thrill seekers amongst you.

 

The Crescendo is bendable, not just a bit flexible but actually properly bendy; it can be folded in half if you so wish. Ultimately this means that it is good for couples or good for people who enjoy feeling the vibrations in more than one place. The options for use are plentiful and it comes with some suggestions of different positions you might like to try. Because the Crescendo is bendable, it is body adapting, and this is another real plus for us. I have tried lots of toys designed to stimulate the clit and often the buzz ends up being in the wrong place so to have something which can mould to you, makes a lot of sense.

 

The Crescendo ticks the boxes as a state of the art technical toy and comes complete with a smart app and fully customizable patterns. For those of you who are creative you can add your own vibrations or you can download from the app. It took us oldies a little bit of time to work out how to charge and switch on but I think the fault there was more on our part than on the toy. Fully wireless, it sits neatly on a charging pad and I think we were looking for something a bit more Luddite, like a plug and socket rather than a flashing light.

 

Crescendo 1For a relatively discrete wireless vibrator the Crescendo has a lot of power. The six motors are spread along the toy and each can be controlled independently to create the right sort of feel for you. So not only can it bend to the shape of your body, be used in a way which hits the right spots, it can also be customised to have the right speed and intensity where and when you want it. How cool is that? Despite the power it is relatively quiet which is always a consideration when you live in a house which has ears in the walls like we do.

 

While versatility is the key with the Crescendo, we wanted something that would work for us as an easy clit stimulator while we HL’s hands were engaged in other types of play. To be able to do this while at the same time enjoying a good spanking or some anal play would mean heightened levels of arousal and pleasure. Other toys we had tried were either the wrong shape or didn’t allow the right level of buzz. The Crescendo worked much better for this as it was able to be moulded to the right shape and also was powerful enough to be used successfully for foreplay.

 

On the down-side, the Crescendo is not a cheap toy although as the one vibe that does it all, the £129.00 could be justified. We also found the controls to be a bit fiddly. It took some time to work out way through the various settings to find the basic vibration that we wanted and in some ways that part was too customisable for us. However, for others this would be an advantage so I don’t hold that against it. While it is powerful it is buzzier than something like a wand so for those who prefer more rumbly vibrations it might not work as well.

 

All in all I would recommend the Crescendo to those who want something flexible which can be used in a variety of ways and don’t mind about the cost. It may take a little time to find what works for you but it is well worth persevering with. Mystery Vibe market the Crescendo as “the world’s first truly unisex and universal vibrator. The ultimate in personalised pleasure – your shape, your pattern, your way.” This is true and the only real criticism I have is the fact that I prefer slightly stronger, more rumbly vibrations.


Our theme this week is warming up and cooling down so I wanted to focus on how this works within a D/s play relationship. These thoughts are based on my own experience so should be taken as suggestions only, as different things will work for different people. However, in my opinion, just like with exercise, a warm up or build up to a scene will really add to the experience, as will having some sort of cool down or aftercare.

During exercise, a warm up gradually revs up your cardiovascular system by raising your body temperature and increasing blood flow to your muscles. Warming up may also help reduce muscle soreness and lessen your risk of injury. Similarly within a scene, building up or providing some sort of notice of what you plan to do will aid a submissive with being in the right mindset and allow the physical responses to come more easily. It will also enhance the emotional connection between you and allow an increase in trust.

Creating a sense of anticipation is also really important as it can keep the sub feeling aroused and expectant. At the same time they may be nervous and excited which will mean that they are thinking about what is going to happen. This will not only arouse them but also heighten the senses so that when play begins, they are highly attuned and responsive. Being prepared mentally will also mean that they are less likely to have an issue with negative triggers.

A build up can take a variety of forms and within play, couples will reveal more or less information depending on what works for them. It may be that the sub is given some instructions about how to prepare for the scene including things such as grooming in a particular way, choosing implements or toys, arranging props or selecting various items of clothing. The build up can start days before the scene, or it may be that it is left until much closer, but having some sort of warm up will really help.

Another thing that can work really well is making sure that the submissive waits in a certain position before play begins. This could be kneeling or something more vulnerable but it will allow them to focus their mind and think about what is going to happen. Inspections are another tool that can be used to make sure that the submissive is feeling vulnerable and also to allow the Dominant to set the dynamic for themselves as well as for their sub. A reminder of safewords and protocols will be another way of not just checking in, but also of reinforcing what is about to happen.

In exercise terms, cooling down after your workout allows for a gradual recovery of pre-exercise heart rate and blood pressure. Again, with play, this is a crucial part which, if missed out, can make things really difficult for both the top and for the bottom. During a scene the submissive may go quite deeply into their submissive space, as well as experiencing the effects of the chemical changes which take place in the brain, particularly if play is intense.

The rush of adrenaline and endorphins can send the submissive on a real high, so there can be a genuine chemical ‘come down’ to follow. Aside from that the submissive will likely have felt emotionally vulnerable at various point. The heightened trust in the Dominant will create an intense connection between the two and may lead to a feeling of neediness or dependency. This is something which can be a really positive part of play, provided the aftercare provided it is effective.

Aftercare may involve using soft blankets to make the submissive feel safe and warm as they come down from subspace. Having drinking water to hand is always a must and some people might like to have something special to eat, such as chocolate.  Close physical contact to the Dominant is probably the most important thing as this will reinforce the feeling of safety and the strong emotional connection. Part of aftercare may include talking through some of the play that took place and the emotions and feelings which go with it.

If a cool down doesn’t take place after exercise it can lead to sore or pulled muscles later on and in the same way, if aftercare is not given, it can lead to a feeling of being tired, physically unwell and emotionally upset both for the submissive and sometimes for the Dominant. These posts on sub drop and Dom drop deal with these feelings in more detail.  As long as aftercare is given, the aftereffects of an intense period of play will hopefully be minimised. As with anything, being aware of what can happen will always make it easier not only to prevent, but also to deal with if it does occur.

The sort of adrenaline high experienced during a BDSM scene has been compared before to the type of elation that people can feel after extreme exercise, such as participation in a marathon. While we are not going to be in training in the same way, some preparation will really help, as will some good aftercare following play.  The effects can be both physical as well as emotional so being ready mentally is really important as it will help you to have the best possible experience.

Scene it done it

The first proper scene the we did when we started D/s was a forced orgasm scene and it remains one of the easiest ways for me to reach subspace. To get to that point would probably be between 4 and 6 separate orgasms but with rolling ones in between.

* * * * * * * * * *

It begins with my being instructed to have my bath and then come into the bedroom when I am ready. I can hear the music drifting through and I hear HisLordship moving around and getting things ready. When I come into the room he is dressed in an open shirt and he looks hot. I feel a wave of anticipation wash over me.  He waits while I hang up my robe so that I am naked in front of him and he looks at me. I feel my skin start to heat and he calls me over to him. He sits on the edge of the bed, takes my hands and pulls me into him. He breathes me in and kisses my body lightly as he lets out a breath and says, “God you are beautiful.”

 

He has set up the play bench and he tells me to lie on it. He then proceeds to secure me so that there is really no way I can move.  He instructs me to pull on each bond so that he knows they are tight enough and as each is fixed I can feel the tension rising within me. He puts a blindfold over my eyes and then plays with me a little, using some sensations to relax me and allow me to drift further into a submissive headspace. He teases with gentle tweaks and pulls on my nipples and I can feel what I think is the tip of a glass dildo which he rests on my clit as he touches me with a lubed finger.

 

I am aching for him and it sits like a deep weight all around my sex. He tells me how swollen I am and I feel like I might explode. The glass is frustrating as it is so light against me and I try to push into it but it moves with me and I hear him laugh. I can feel him reach away and then the sound of the wand coming to life. He uses the wand to edge me for quite a while but tells me that I mustn’t come. My focus is on fighting back the climax but he makes it harder by dipping a finger deep inside me.  I become more tormented as he adds a second finger and then changes to play with my arsehole.

 

I am moaning and groaning and he tells me that I am so easy. He pushes harder against my hole and tells me to relax as he increases the speed on the wand. I tell him that I have to come and he says no and slows it all down again. I exhale with a sigh as if the pressure is off but as soon as I feel I am starting to float with the motion, he builds it back up again. I beg him to let me come and he finally agrees, asking if I understood that once I start he will make me come again and again and that there will be no release from this.  My mind fights itself but I have lost control and I shout yes – that is fine – just let me come.

 

As the orgasm tears through me I move somewhere else and ride the waves that it brings me. All too soon I am aware of the intense buzz where it should not be and I wriggle to free myself from it.  I fight against my bonds but he has me fastened so securely with his ropes and cuffs that there is nothing I can do to escape.  He reduces the pressure of the wand a little in order to let me gather myself a bit and then he ups things again.  I can feel myself giving into it and tapping into something deep inside me. There is a part which is tuned into the rumble rather than the buzz and he draws this out as I push down onto the sensation rather than pushing up into it as he forces another orgasm from me.

 

This continues and he builds me up again and again, each time taking me a bit deeper.  I feel both desensitised and hypersensitive all at the same time. My body is reacting and responding but my mind can’t process it and I consciously detach from the thinking part of my brain and just melt into the sensation. It is as if I am freeing my mind from my body and giving it up. It is like I am being pulled out of myself and am drifting  further away from my reality with every orgasm he takes, but still he keeps going. I have no idea how many times I come but just when I think I can take no more, he seems to stop momentarily and I think that is it. I am throbbing with the heat and the need and hear him say that he thinks I have at least one more in me.

 

I don’t know how he knows where I am at, but there must be signs and he reads them. I doubt that I can come again but soon I feel it building up once more. It seems impossible; it seems too much. The sensation is overwhelming, confusing, and I can’t process it, can’t work out if it is pleasure or pain or if I am here or not. He holds me on the edge then brings me up again and this time as I come I can feel myself let go, not in a control way but in a basic existence kind of a way.  My body slumps, I go limp, and I feel that I am no longer part of it. I can hear the wand still rumbling away but I can’t feel it anymore. I can hear his voice talking to me but can’t work out what he is saying and I drift, almost delirious, in that place where there is no time.

* * * * * * * * * *

Most of our scenes are sexual and so often we will end with him fucking me although depending how I am, he may move straight to aftercare. If I have been in subspace like this and haven’t been allowed to touch him then that physical connection with him will overwhelm me; it will prolong the ecstatic state that I am in so it is something that he will usually build in, although I am aware that he is very careful as he knows that I will find communication difficult. The aftercare will always come at the end of a scene and will usually involve me falling asleep on him for a while.

 

Other ‘Scene it, Done it’ posts on submissy:
Hotel Scene
Sensory Scene
Schoolgirl Scene

 

respect the rules

Rules are pretty key to our relationship, although even without that I am a person who likes to have rules to follow. I suppose that is why a D/s marriage works so well for me as having rules and structure makes me feel safe. It makes sense of things and makes me feel as though I have a focus and can get things done. Without this I can feel a bit all over the place and it puts my stress levels right up.

 

I think it is hard to stick to rules if you really don’t see the value of them. If they are just there for the sake of it then there just doesn’t seem to be the weight to give them the importance that they need in order for me to stick with them. We have talked long and hard about the rules that we have and, although they may change or be adapted over time, we both agree on their value and importance to us.

 

We review our rules quite regularly and the discussion that we have around them is quite important to us. We also use them as part of the discussions that we have on a daily and weekly basis – as a sort of check in I suppose. This helps, not only in that it reinforces the rules and the importance of them, but also in that it forms part of the power exchange. If this doesn’t happen and HL doesn’t check, then they lose importance to me and I may start to slip up a bit in keeping to them.

 

Checking in regularly like this helps to keep our focus and also keep our mindset. Built into this will be some feedback; reward and/or punishment. For us, some things will be dealt with as they occur, but a lot will also come out of this discussion and from me self-reporting. I am more likely to do this when I have done something wrong so it is helpful that we talk about it so that HL can let me know when I have done well too. Too many negative can be overwhelming and demotivating but a ‘well done’ always works wonders!

 

As I said, we evaluate and evolve our rules and I have written about them on a number of occasions before.  See below for more about what we do and how it works, but namely our rules fall into three main areas: respect, self-care and well-being. Some end up being pretty general and open to interpretation but we know each other quite well and there are no longer areas where we aren’t really on the same page about what is expected. Open communication has helped with this a lot and certainly at the beginning this was a bit trickier.

 

Showing respect and behaving respectfully towards HL is one of the general rules. This would include me asking rather than telling, using the correct tone, and showing that I have considered his thoughts and feelings in terms of what I do and what I say. There are also a number of rituals which go along with this which helps to reinforce the idea of behaving respectfully to him.

 

Self-care is an area which HL wanted to address through the rules. He felt irritated with some of the behaviours I had around the way I spoke about myself, both to him and to other people.  He doesn’t like to hear me put myself down and I hadn’t realised that it was a personal slight on him at times. These rules are more specific and include not speaking negatively about myself and also accepting compliments with the good grace that they were intended.

 

My rules surrounding well-being are specific too and they concern sleep, diet and exercise. I realise that this is not an area which everyone wants to link to their relationship, but for us how I feel physically has a strong bearing on how I feel emotionally. These are probably the most flexible of all the rules as they can be suspended by agreement depending on what we are doing at that time.

 

My being respectful towards HL means that he feels more valued and noticed. It feeds is Dominant mindset and helps him to feel  that he is in control and that he is genuinely leading. Infractions in this area will be dealt with quickly, usually at the time, and punishment will vary. The self-care rules are also really about respect and about recognising that I am his and should try to see myself as such.

 

These and the well-being rules are ones where I will be expected to self-report if he has not been around to witness what has happened. There are set punishments for breaking these rules and they ‘match’ with the rule itself so that carrying out the punishment helps to reflect and reinforce that particular rule. By having rules which help to improve my health and well-being, I feel better about myself and therefore it is easier for him. Essentially I feel sexier which is something he likes to take advantage of.

 

A lot of the things that we do are things that people might do anyway in a non-D/s type relationship but having them there in a way which makes me accountable adds a formality and structure which reinforces our power exchange. Rather than feeling onerous they actually feel supportive and rather than me resenting them, they actually make me feel cared for and safe so it works very well for us.

 

Previous posts on rules on submissy:
Broken Rules
Rules, Resets and Roleplay
Two New Rules
New Term New Rules
Rules
Rules and Rituals

I have always said that I am not a ‘service sub’. My evidence for this has been the fact that I don’t particularly like doing chores (it certainly doesn’t turn me on) and that I complete household tasks as and when required and because they need to be done, so it has never really been linked to my D/s relationship. However, LittleLove recommended a book called ‘Real Service’, see Little Pearls Site, where she wrote an excellent review of the book. This book has got me really thinking and I realise now that I was totally mistaken in my understanding (or rather my misunderstanding) of what a service submissive was. 

 

To be honest, the book does focus on an M/s type dynamic as that is what the authors have, but I think that it is relevant for anyone who is in a relationship where the power exchange covers more than just the sexual aspects, as it is likely that a lot of the rest is based around service. Although service in a D/s dynamic is often seen as being sexual, this book is about ‘real service’ so focusses on the every day things that you do for each other in the real world and examines how that adds to your dynamic. It has made me think that actually most relationships which are 24/7 or lifestyle relationships would have those other elements of service as part of them, and that service is a part of my relationship with HisLordship – although having read the book I would not say that I am not really doing it very well.

 

Quite near the start of the book the authors look at the motivations for service and my actions come from a mixture of all three, depending on what it is I am doing. Sometimes I do it because I might benefit from it, sometimes it is out of love and sometimes it is because I like making other people happy and doing what they want. It has made me realise that to be a bit more aware of why I am doing something may help me to do it more effectively, or at least to value the act itself. I think that it will help my mindset to see some of these actions as serving, as that is what they are, I just had not thought of them in this way before.

 

It also tied in with what I wrote recently about active and passive submission. What the authors talk of with regard to service is reactive and proactive. I am definitely more proactive in what I do but realise that I have fallen into many of the traps that the book describes as being negative. One of these is doing things my own way, rather than thinking about how HL would like them to be done. I am certainly guilty of thinking that my way is better at times and also in doing things because I would like them and therefore think that he should too, which is obviously not service at all. It is pointed out quite clearly that unless service is wanted by the Dominant, it is not real service.

 

I realised that I need to spend much more time watching HL and thinking about what he actually likes and how he actually does things. Since he has been at home more of the time, I realise that I may not have allowed him the space to do things as he would like, but have expected him to do it in the way that I would usually complete the task. I thought I was being submissive as I tried to explain in a respectful way how it ‘worked best’ but I now realise how much this was probable a challenge to his Dominance. I think this has come about as he has taken over the lead in some of the jobs that were previously mine. I still help with those and have expected to do it in the same way, rather than fitting in with his new way – the one that suits him.

 

The authors describe styles of Dominance as being on a continuum which fits in with the styles of service. While Sir enjoys taking care of me and expects me to follow orders, he also enjoys being looked after and his needs being met so he is someone who likes anticipatory service. He is not one for issuing a lot of tasks for me to complete throughout the day as he finds that quite onerous and prefers me to be proactive, although in some areas he will do it. I think that we could improve things quite easily by being more defined in what we do. I do some of the ‘chores’ because I have always seen them as mine and have not really seen the link to D/s before even though we have talked about it.

 

One example is the planning and buying of food. Once a week I plan out all the meals and then will do a grocery shop (usually online).  This is something that I have always done and I manage to do it well, while sticking to the monthly budget we have agreed on. I have never before seen this as an act of service, even though it is something that HL has asked that I do. To be honest I find it tiresome and sometimes I would like help with it. Seeing it as an act of service, however, gives it a different slant. It now feels much more important to me that I am able to do it competently and in a way which will impress him. Like the people who start with DD and find themselves drifting into D/s, I feel that suddenly I am seeing the appeal to some of the more mundane household tasks as being part of the service I give. A bit of a light-bulb three years in, but better late than never.

 

Sometimes I have been frustrated that HL doesn’t seem to notice when I don’t complete some of the tasks that I have been set. This is also discussed in the book and it ties back to the idea that to be of value, the service has to be wanted by the D type and not something that the s type wants to do. Some of the things that we do have been because I initiated or asked for them. It is all very well for me to do these as part of my anticipatory service but I cannot expect Sir to follow up on them. This is something else that I have done in the past I think, and I have become frustrated at times when it seemed that he didn’t value them.

 

I see now that we need to go back and find things which matter to him. A lot of our rules and rituals were put in place to help me to feel submissive and I think we need to look at things which actually help him and make his life easier, more pleasant or help his mindset. He will notice, for example if I try to open the car door myself or if my nails are not done, but he may not notice if I drink the required amount of water or not. Both are rules but not doing one obviously irritates him and the other doesn’t. Both are of value and I think it is good for me to keep drinking the right amount of water, but I can only expect him to correct the behaviours that he really values. I think that I have to accept that just because I think things are good ideas, doesn’t mean that he will want to do them and that by doing things that make him happy, they will become important to me. I hope that HL will agree to review things and be more open with me about which ones he values and wants to keep and which ones he doesn’t.

 

So overall I feel that I have learnt a lot of really helpful things – thank you LittleLove. One – to try to look at our rules and protocols and work out which ones are important to Sir and put less emphasis on the others. Two – to discuss the tasks which he wants me to do and have a more service minded approach to completing them. And three – to watch him more closely and try to do things which I think that he will want me to do for him, rather than things that I want to do for him. Quite a lot to work on there and it won’t happen overnight, but I am feeling positive about another new twist on the way we build the power exchange into our relationship.

 

I wrote this post over a year ago and it was published on submissy. Since then I think that things have improved and the revelations I had have helped me to become better at service in general. I have also become aware that there are a lot more submissives active on the site whose dynamic has more of a DD slant and who serve on a much more domestic level to me. It would be really good to know how it works for you, either in a longer post, or via the comments, or through the forums. If you start a forum thread then please let me know so that I can link it here.

 

For information the book that I read was Real Service and I can thoroughly recommend it.

I posted this on my own blog in November 2016 so it is certainly not new. When I wrote the review on the Ruby Glow today I realised that I had never posted it here and thought it might be good for reference. For information we are still going strong with the Doxy and it is a well used and well loved part of our toy collection. We have since purchased the smaller Doxy which feels a little different so I think I will do a comparison soon for those who haven’t tried them.

 

I mentioned in my last post that we went to sexpo last year and that when we were there we bought ourselves a brilliant new wand. This has to be the single best toy that we have bought so far and although it was pretty pricey, it was worth every penny.  Prior to this we had a magic wand bought from Love Honey which was fine as long as no-one was within a 2 mile radius of our house.  Ok I exaggerate but, while it delivered pleasing sensations, the noise it produced as a result was something akin to a road drill, so certainly not something to use when the kids were at home.  

 

At the time, many of the submissives I knew were based in America and talked with great enthusiasm about their Hitachi wands, with their powerful high speed vibrations and a plethora of exciting attachments to purchase for them. I looked the Hitachi up online more than once but everything I read warned me that to use it the in the UK, even with a converter, would be a bad move.  They had a track record of catching on fire due to the voltage difference and, although I would say that Sir and I definitely have hot sex, I didn’t want to actually catch alight – especially down there!

 

When we first saw the doxy die-cast wand, it was HisLordship and not me who fell in love. It was presented more like something that you might find in the aisles of a high end hardware shop, rather than in Anne Summers, with its handy zip up storage case and the shiny metal body of a  must-have power tool.  As if it wasn’t sold before the man on the stall explained that it was “made from an aluminium and titanium alloy which is manufactured in a foundry using a high pressure injection cold chamber die casting machine and after casting, each Doxy Die Cast Wand body goes through a rigorous five stage polishing process which brings the high lustre finish to life.”

 

This is a Dom’s wand if ever I saw one!  We do not play in clubs or out with others, but if we did, Sir would be proud to carry it in and show it off. Not only does the Doxy look amazing but it is heavier than many wands which means that it is really powerful and also very quiet which for us has meant that we can use it whenever and wherever we like and this has revolutionised our play, although it can still be a struggle for me not to make a noise where this thing is concerned. The vibrations are so strong that even the lowest setting will get a real reaction and I would consider the higher ones to be pure punishment!  The heaviness means that I am not left feeling numb after use and Sir’s hand is not still buzzing long into the early hours which was also an issue with the lighter one that we had previously. The control buttons also light up with cool blue LED lights so you can see them in the dark too.

 

All in all, we love this wand.  It was a fair amount to shell out on a toy but we were not disappointed. We also bought another product from the company and when we had an issue they were very apologetic and replaced it without question.  So often these days we cannot buy British, and if we do we can feel that the technology is a bit clunky, but with the doxy die cast, I really feel that this is not the case.  A year on, with heavy use, and we are still enjoying the wand as much as the day we bought it. So for anyone out there who is looking to silently and seriously get their rocks off, this could be the one for you.