Many new submissives experience subfrenzy without knowing anything about it. Although subfrenzy is something discussed in most BDSM circles, the can be a scarcity of information online to help understand how it can appear when D/s is introduced into a long term relationship. Whether you are in a play type dynamic or a D/s lifestyle, if you are starting out then subfrenzy is likely something that you will experience on some level or another so these are the basics.
What is Subfrenzy
Essentially subfrenzy is an overwhelming and consuming desire to experience as much as you can in terms of kink as soon as possible. Sometimes this can be to the point of neglecting other things, such as safety. It is similar to that feeling you get at the start of a relationship, a new relationship energy type of thing, but it is much more intense. Because it arises during your first experiences of Dominance and submission, there can be the tendency to want to try as many different kinks with as many different partners as you can.
If you have craved an outlet for your submission for a while then this can be heightened and lead to a kid in a sweetshop type of feeling where you want to try everything rather than stopping to take caution and think. The frenzy part of it can feel not only exciting but also unsettling as your mind is focussed on the new experiences you are having in an almost obsessive way which may disregard the other commitments you have. For this reason, new submissives can be vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
Red Flags and Subfrenzy
By nature, a submissive will have a desire to please and so they can quickly become absorbed in following instruction and direction. A good, experienced Dominant will know this and will take things very slowly to begin with. While this can be frustrating and does not calm the subfrenzy at all, it will keep the submissive safe. However, there are many less scrupulous Dominants out there who will take full advantage of the situation and assure the submissive that this is what is expected of them. The posts Starting out with BDSM Safety and Codependency and D/s cover some of these red flags and points to consider.
There is a lot of inaccurate information about D/s contained in erotic fiction, film and porn so it can be difficult for a new submissive to work out what falls within the norms in terms of expectations. I have spoken to submissive who were not happy with the terms of their arrangement or their treatment but felt that it was part of their role to accept it. Let me just say that there is no right or wrong about what makes a D/s relationship here. You need to find a balance in terms of play and dynamic which suits you. A partner may have their preferences but it is up to you whether or not you agree to those.
If you feel like something is wrong for you, then question it. The heart of a D/s relationship is communication so there should be plenty of discussion around any agreement. You should feel that your needs are being met and that you are respected. Trust is important and because it will take a while to build the level of trust that you need to fully let go, the things you agree to should be in line with that. You should have a safeword and you should have limits. These limits will likely change as your confidence and trust grows, so don’t be pushed into anything that you are uncomfortable with.
Subfrenzy in an Existing Relationship
Where you are already a couple and have introduced D/s into your relationship, the levels of trust and commitment will already be there. This means that subfrenzy can look different, although it can still occur. While the risk might not be the same in terms of your emotional and physical safety, you will still be vulnerable to the changes taking place. If submission is something you have craved for some time then this will be particularly the case. It might be hard to focus or care about the every day things that usually make up the routine of your life.
For a sexual submissive there is a difference between good sex and D/s play. Finally feeling that your needs are met sexually can be an addictive feeling. Experiencing the natural endorphins released during extended play using pleasure and pain compounds this. Finally being able to let go and experiencing the freedom and mental changes that go along with that can be compulsive and something that you want to keep feeling over and over.
Being aware that this is a natural part of exploring your submissive side is key in being able to work with it. Talking to your partner or other submissives may really help. It can be difficult not to become frustrated at the pace, especially if you partner and Dominant is new to this too. It can also be common to feel that you are out of control and to become needy of the attention of your partner. These feelings will pass as you acclimatise to them so try to be patient with yourself and with your Dominant.
Addicted to Love?
While it can feel like an addiction this is because the reward pathways in the brain have been stimulated. The circuits provide rushes of positive feeling and feel-good chemicals to reward the BDSM activities you are trying. There is also a mix if excitement and anticipation which stimulates other chemical release into the brain. The adrenaline you get from the fear at putting yourself, quite literally, in another’s hands also works as part of this chemical release from your brain into your body.
While this tends to lead to an emotional response in new submissives, subfrenzy, it will still be there to an extent if you continue to engage in BDSM play where you experience the endorphin highs of subspace. These articles on subspace and subdrop might also be helpful in understanding what to expect if you are new to Dominance and submission. At the end of the day, these feelings are normal and being prepared for them and able to identify should help you to work with them rather than falling victim to them.
10 thoughts on “Addicted to Love ~ the truth about subfrenzy”
Thank you for sharing this! You often see subfrenzy discussed in the context of brand new relationships, but I was glad to see it addressed in on-going dynamics. I know that off and on I have experienced sub frenzy in my existing dynamics and it can be quite unsettling. Great post 🙂
Thank Nora. Yes I think it can happen to us all at points, especially when taking large steps forward in one area, for example, playing with others. Missy x
Yes…that is a GREAT example, Missy!
Well experience helps!!!
Outstanding, Missy. Insightful and informative: a “must read” for any new sub, male or female..
Aww thank you so much. What a lovely comment. Missy x
Excellent info her Missy. It is something I have experienced before and can imagine how some may get taken advantage of – it is addictive and a person can easily become obsessed with their quest for pleasure and pain
Yes totally. I think it is so easy to slip into that feeling with a disregard for everything else. Missy x
Woah, thank you for the information. I’ve never heard of “sub frenzy” before. Essential education 💙
I am glad that the post was helpful. I hadn’t heard of it either until after and it made so much sense. Missy x