I have always said that I am not a ‘service sub’. My evidence for this has been the fact that I don’t particularly like doing chores (it certainly doesn’t turn me on) and that I complete household tasks as and when required and because they need to be done, so it has never really been linked to my D/s relationship. However, LittleLove recommended a book called ‘Real Service’, see Little Pearls Site, where she wrote an excellent review of the book. This book has got me really thinking and I realise now that I was totally mistaken in my understanding (or rather my misunderstanding) of what a service submissive was. 

 

To be honest, the book does focus on an M/s type dynamic as that is what the authors have, but I think that it is relevant for anyone who is in a relationship where the power exchange covers more than just the sexual aspects, as it is likely that a lot of the rest is based around service. Although service in a D/s dynamic is often seen as being sexual, this book is about ‘real service’ so focusses on the every day things that you do for each other in the real world and examines how that adds to your dynamic. It has made me think that actually most relationships which are 24/7 or lifestyle relationships would have those other elements of service as part of them, and that service is a part of my relationship with HisLordship – although having read the book I would not say that I am not really doing it very well.

 

Quite near the start of the book the authors look at the motivations for service and my actions come from a mixture of all three, depending on what it is I am doing. Sometimes I do it because I might benefit from it, sometimes it is out of love and sometimes it is because I like making other people happy and doing what they want. It has made me realise that to be a bit more aware of why I am doing something may help me to do it more effectively, or at least to value the act itself. I think that it will help my mindset to see some of these actions as serving, as that is what they are, I just had not thought of them in this way before.

 

It also tied in with what I wrote recently about active and passive submission. What the authors talk of with regard to service is reactive and proactive. I am definitely more proactive in what I do but realise that I have fallen into many of the traps that the book describes as being negative. One of these is doing things my own way, rather than thinking about how HL would like them to be done. I am certainly guilty of thinking that my way is better at times and also in doing things because I would like them and therefore think that he should too, which is obviously not service at all. It is pointed out quite clearly that unless service is wanted by the Dominant, it is not real service.

 

I realised that I need to spend much more time watching HL and thinking about what he actually likes and how he actually does things. Since he has been at home more of the time, I realise that I may not have allowed him the space to do things as he would like, but have expected him to do it in the way that I would usually complete the task. I thought I was being submissive as I tried to explain in a respectful way how it ‘worked best’ but I now realise how much this was probable a challenge to his Dominance. I think this has come about as he has taken over the lead in some of the jobs that were previously mine. I still help with those and have expected to do it in the same way, rather than fitting in with his new way – the one that suits him.

 

The authors describe styles of Dominance as being on a continuum which fits in with the styles of service. While Sir enjoys taking care of me and expects me to follow orders, he also enjoys being looked after and his needs being met so he is someone who likes anticipatory service. He is not one for issuing a lot of tasks for me to complete throughout the day as he finds that quite onerous and prefers me to be proactive, although in some areas he will do it. I think that we could improve things quite easily by being more defined in what we do. I do some of the ‘chores’ because I have always seen them as mine and have not really seen the link to D/s before even though we have talked about it.

 

One example is the planning and buying of food. Once a week I plan out all the meals and then will do a grocery shop (usually online).  This is something that I have always done and I manage to do it well, while sticking to the monthly budget we have agreed on. I have never before seen this as an act of service, even though it is something that HL has asked that I do. To be honest I find it tiresome and sometimes I would like help with it. Seeing it as an act of service, however, gives it a different slant. It now feels much more important to me that I am able to do it competently and in a way which will impress him. Like the people who start with DD and find themselves drifting into D/s, I feel that suddenly I am seeing the appeal to some of the more mundane household tasks as being part of the service I give. A bit of a light-bulb three years in, but better late than never.

 

Sometimes I have been frustrated that HL doesn’t seem to notice when I don’t complete some of the tasks that I have been set. This is also discussed in the book and it ties back to the idea that to be of value, the service has to be wanted by the D type and not something that the s type wants to do. Some of the things that we do have been because I initiated or asked for them. It is all very well for me to do these as part of my anticipatory service but I cannot expect Sir to follow up on them. This is something else that I have done in the past I think, and I have become frustrated at times when it seemed that he didn’t value them.

 

I see now that we need to go back and find things which matter to him. A lot of our rules and rituals were put in place to help me to feel submissive and I think we need to look at things which actually help him and make his life easier, more pleasant or help his mindset. He will notice, for example if I try to open the car door myself or if my nails are not done, but he may not notice if I drink the required amount of water or not. Both are rules but not doing one obviously irritates him and the other doesn’t. Both are of value and I think it is good for me to keep drinking the right amount of water, but I can only expect him to correct the behaviours that he really values. I think that I have to accept that just because I think things are good ideas, doesn’t mean that he will want to do them and that by doing things that make him happy, they will become important to me. I hope that HL will agree to review things and be more open with me about which ones he values and wants to keep and which ones he doesn’t.

 

So overall I feel that I have learnt a lot of really helpful things – thank you LittleLove. One – to try to look at our rules and protocols and work out which ones are important to Sir and put less emphasis on the others. Two – to discuss the tasks which he wants me to do and have a more service minded approach to completing them. And three – to watch him more closely and try to do things which I think that he will want me to do for him, rather than things that I want to do for him. Quite a lot to work on there and it won’t happen overnight, but I am feeling positive about another new twist on the way we build the power exchange into our relationship.

 

I wrote this post over a year ago and it was published on submissy. Since then I think that things have improved and the revelations I had have helped me to become better at service in general. I have also become aware that there are a lot more submissives active on the site whose dynamic has more of a DD slant and who serve on a much more domestic level to me. It would be really good to know how it works for you, either in a longer post, or via the comments, or through the forums. If you start a forum thread then please let me know so that I can link it here.

 

For information the book that I read was Real Service and I can thoroughly recommend it.

 

I think that this play is very personal to us both, how we do things may not be the way anyone else would, but I hope that it will give you an insight.

 

                                                                                   ***
She could feel the carpet against her knees as she waited for him to initiate the transformation, from herself into puppy. Although she was mostly naked, it didn’t feel that way. The tail plug nestled between her cheeks, the white leather gloves and ballet pumps all became part of puppy. But they were not necessary.

 

“Do you remember how to end the play?”

 

“Yes master, kneel in front of you in the waiting position, or safe word.”

 

He liked this to be the last thing that happened before he put on puppy’s collar, there had been incidents where the rush was too much and puppy forgot how to end the play.

 

He couldn’t believe that just a few months ago, at the start of their D/s journey, pet play was placed firmly in the hard limit zone for Littlegem. So much had changed.

 

She felt his hands brush against her neck as her day collar was removed and replaced with the dog collar. ‘Puppy’ gleamed on one side of the dangling rose gold tag, ‘Owned by master’ on the other. It’s not the collar that initiated the feeling. Or the way she wore her hair up in high bunches. These things helped, but they didn’t define the role, only decorated it. It was the control PurpleSole took whilst being puppy’s owner. His voice commanding her. This all sent her into the headspace. Let her be free.

 

The change he observed from LG to puppy was enormous. As soon as the dog collar was on he could see her eyes roll back, hear her sigh of satisfaction; he knew instantly that she was ready for play.

 

He pondered how the play would take shape this time. Sometimes it was more active, a leash would be used to get puppy to follow. Others it was more passive, a relax on the sofa whilst puppy played with her toys. Whatever happened he knew it was important to read puppy’s body language, puppy can’t talk after all, so cues help in the way of whimpers or pants.

                                                                                   ***

 

One of the most satisfying parts of pet play for me is the closeness it brings to our relationship. Deep trust is required from LG and a strong connection is felt between us during this play.

 

Pet play makes me feel very vulnerable, I think the taboo it has adds to this. I am very glad it is something that PS pushed me to explore. It has gone from something I was just going to try once, to being a weekly play for us.

 

For more writing by Littlegem and PurpleSole please check out their blog Purple’sGem

 

I have always had a good pain threshold. Pain was always something that I could manage and make work for me so I probably would have said back in the vanilla world that I was a masochist, or at the very least, masochistic.  When we started D/s I was able to explore my relationship with pain as well as my relationship with pleasure. I began to move away from the idea of being a masochist at this point really. I suppose I had the opportunity to discuss the use of pain as part of play much more openly with people who did it a lot and I realised that there was a difference in terms of where it took them, which I explored in The painful truth.

What I have learnt, however, is that I am an emotional masochist. This was pointed out to me by my friend furcissy who is a great source of information on all things BDSM. He defines an emotional masochist as “someone who gets arousal or sexual gratification from experiencing emotional suffering.  This suffering can happen in a number of ways.  Humiliation, anxiety, degradation, embarrassment, hurt feelings, and heartbreak are some examples of the types of suffering that an emotional masochist may to.  Basically, things that do not feel good.”

Experiencing emotional discomfort in the form of humiliation and shame is something that takes me to a completely different place than the physical pain and discomfort caused by heavy impact play. Although I enjoy it, physical pain will push me deeper into myself and therefore further from HisLordship whereas emotional pain will draw me out of myself and closer to him. I know that this sort of masochism is not the type which is widely spoken about, and there are often misunderstandings surrounding it. Just to clarify, I am not saying for one minute that I get off on being emotionally abused or mistreated.

What I have found is that these sort of acts, under the right set of circumstances, can be a huge trigger to me finding my submissive space and also to keeping me there. As I wriggle and squirm and am confronted with what I really am, the cognitive dissonance created pushes me deeper and deeper into my own submission, and into subspace. The discomfort can lead to me being so highly aroused that nothing else seems to register. My heart races, my senses are heightened, I am out of control of my reactions and responses and nothing else matters other than the connection that I have to him.

Although I can admit that I am an emotional masochist, I struggle to admit the ‘what’ and the ‘how’ in specific terms. I find it embarrassing: both the fact that I like it and the specifics of what I would like him to do. I don’t want to admit that this is something that turns me on, and I can’t take ownership of the detail of what exactly will press my buttons. It goes against the very idea of what I am, although ironically it is only through the ‘forced’ acceptance and acknowledgement of what I am, that I am able to reach this state and find the freedom that I crave. I cannot ask for what I want because I don’t want to want it, if that makes sense.

Another issue is that because this is something that turns me on, it has become a large part of my inner voice during play. I think there is a hesitation in handing that power over to someone else. I cannot ask him to do this to me; he has to take the control from me and do it because he knows it is what I need and want. And I need him to let me know that is what he is going to do, is doing, and has done. In life I have sought to surround myself with those who will seek to negate the words and thoughts of my inner voice, not work with them, so to take that down a different road with someone I trust and love is a thought which is both exciting and scary at the same time. So I hesitate. And I hide.

It is tricky because I do not enjoy feeling humiliated and ashamed per se, but within the right context and the right environment, with the safety of the person I love, the feelings which come from it will arouse me. The cognitive dissonance created will mean that I am freed of what I was before. I will be reduced to the point that none of that matters. In being exposed for what I am, I can leave that part of me behind. I have nothing to lose because that tough layer of self-protection has been broken apart. It has gone and he has seen what is at the centre. Not only has he brought about my reduction to this, having seen what is left, he still loves me and wants me.

I tried to explain how it worked when writing about the wearing of a tail. Usually the feelings come from doing things which I see as forbidden, or dirty or wrong. Having to admit that I get off on the things I shouldn’t want to do and acknowledge the parts of me that I have always pushed away, causes a level of discomfort that is a trigger to  feeling submissive and aroused. I simultaneously want, and don’t want, to do these things so the two lines of thought from the two parts of me collide. The fact that I have not only permitted it but also got off on it, means that I have to throw aside the sort of girl I feel I should be and embrace the sort of girl I am. That brings a huge sense of freedom. I can just be. I can just exist for him and as what he has made me.

 

Post originally published on submissy

When we first started exploring bondage, which was pretty early on for us, like before we moved in together, Daddy purchased some poly rope from our local hardware store. When i say some, what i should really say is that He bought oodles- 150 feet to be exact. He cut it into lengths and used mustache duct tape on the ends to keep it from fraying. Back then we didn’t have a headboard that we could connect things to, so He used to loop it under the bed. It was complicated, time consuming, and frankly irritating. So when we moved and bought new furniture, we picked a headboard that we could loop the rope through. It made things easier, until Daddy purchased cuffs. The deeper we got into bondage play, the more we wanted to simplify. We tried one of the store bought under the bed restraint systems, but our mattress is 16 inches thick, and it just didn’t work properly. So Daddy decided He needed to get His tool belt out and make some modifications!

For some back info- our bed is a king size called Hemnes from Ikea. We are Ikea freaks, if you haven’t noticed! It is made out of pine, and honestly isn’t very sturdy. We have broken the frame a few times lol. Our bed has a 16 inch memory foam mattress. It is massive and heavy. There is a foot board at the bottom that we are not able to loop through.

Moving on… We purchased 8 mountable D rings from the hardware store, and 3/4 inch screws with a flat top so they wouldn’t rub anything. Daddy screwed them to the bed- 2 went in the center of the headboard, then 4 went on each corner of the bed, we had 2 left over.

Daddy is now able to attach me in all sorts of ways to our bed! He uses carabiners, hog ties, straps, velcro, rope, etc! The sky is the limit. No more half hour setups, just a quick click and we are ready to go! We have included some photos below (please excuses Lala for sitting on my face!)

We hope you’ve enjoyed this post, and that maybe it has inspired you to go DIY your bed restraint system! Remember- Safety First! Have fun!

 

For more from Lars and winnie visit Married and Owned!

So here we are.  Been a while hasn’t it, but I did warn you.

So settle in.  A little over a year has passed since sweetgirl asked me to consider being her dominant.  If you’re  new here are wondering what you have missed click this link to my first post.  and sweetgirls journal here much more content from SwG.  So I thought we would check in.

So what is there to discuss? Well that is simple, whatever we want.   Feel free to ask questions and I will try to answer them.
However, let me tell you about my year.  I have found a number of things to be true over the last year or so.   Firstly if your communication slips everything slips.   It is hard as we try to be D/s all the time (notice i didn’t say 24/7, that’s  because I hate that phrase) but life gets in the way.  Over the last year Sweetgirl has changed jobs twice and this puts obstacles in the way such as her bringing work home.  I know what you’re  thinking “You’re the Dom tell her she can’t” well that may seem to be an easy solution but has consequences as her mental state will change with worry.  You see she is the type of lady that gives her all to everything she does.  (Remember I said we would have had a fully fitted playroom and rack full of toys in the first week if she wasn’t controlled).  So when starting a new job I find it best to give some slack so she can focus on what she has to do outside of the home and the dynamic.
We, like most people have rituals and this helps but there is a diffrent connection made when playing compared to when we do her day/night collars.  Sweetgirl goes deeper into subspace when we play,  even the limited play we can do at home can send her down.  But playing at home comes with it’s own challenges as I am sure it does for anyone with kids and pets.  Our two children are all grown up and we had a routine with the youngest as he is a bit of a gamer so spends most of his time in his room with headphones on wageing war on some distant land.  So the sound of the flogger doesn’t register.  However our eldest has come home before hopefully moving to London in a month or two but this has changed the dynamic of the house as he spends more time watching tv or reading in his room, so noise registers and he has been known in the past to let us know when we are disturbing him.
Another thing I have noticed over the last year is the amount of planning and structure I like, not only my everyday life but in play and scenes.  Before one particular incident I would have said I do little planning or prep for play/scenes.  But this false hood was highlighted to me recently.
When sweetgirl and I started on this journey we agreed that play at home would be problematic due to kids and pets.  Yes there are ways round everything given time and money, but with that comes a sudden change of day to day routine.  For instance if we were to suddenly start fully closing doors to keep pets out the room then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out what we are doing.  So we agreed that we would invest in ourselves and book a hotel night or two away every month.  Now this went well and we have a favourite hotel which we go to every couple of months and we use a chain hotel to keep the cost down for other monthly getaways.  Normally we have them written down so we know when we are going etc.   I tend to send email instructions to sweetgirl telling her what to pack and giving a brief outline of what will happen during our time away.
Well this one particular week we appear not to have wrote it down thankfully a email reminder from the site that we use to book was received but instead of having our usual week to prepare we only had a few days.   Unfortunately we couldn’t cancel without still having to pay and on top of this it was new hotel.  So we packed on the day and decided to go to a pub/restaurant that we pass on the way to our local munch for something to eat before heading to the hotel.  It was disappointing to say the least but once at the hotel things just felt odd for us both and the evening didn’t flow.  We are due back at that hotel soon to see if we can break that feeling.
Now when we started out full time D/s we decided that we would have a collar for play and one for everyday.   But the one for everyday needed to be something that Sweetgirl could wear everyday and not raise suspicion.  After all it only needed to mean something to us.   So in 23 years of being together I think I picked my first peice of jewellery that Sweetgirl would wear.  It was a long silver chain with a eye and a silver bar that passes through it.  I also made her a night/play collar from paracord that we swap in a ritual before bed.  Recently however we have changed the day collar that we bought for a collar I hand made out of silver.  I like to be busy even when sat down so I started looking at chainmaille as it is something I can do sat on the sofa.  I made her a byzantine collar and I believe she likes it as it is tighter around her neck and reminds her of her submission.   I am hoping to get into leather work but feel I need a dedicated space for this so need the kids to leave but that is another story.
So social media is and has been about for sometime and for a variety of reason I decided I would join twitter and instagram this was for a number of reason but mainly because I do not know everything and although my imagination is good it has it’s limit.  It is going well, although I am amazed at how many men seem to think it is acceptable to send unsolicited pictures of their penis to women they have never met or even introduced themselves too.   I am learning lots and filing stuff away for the future.
We were lucky enough to be invited to our first event by a friend that has amazing knowledge and has been on the scene for some time.   This was a big step for me personally and for Sweetgirl.   Sweetgirl’s out fit was risqué but not the risquést one at the event by any stretch I know she was out of her comfort zone with it as it was quite revealing, again not the most revealing.   We got there quite early and introduced ourselves to the organiser.  We also got to meet our friend’s slave for the first time.  Seeing some of the protocols in place was interesting.  For me personally I am not nor have I ever been a fan of large crowds.  I remember when I first met Sweetgirl she asked if I would attend a meatloaf concert with her, but due to my dislike of large crowds a concert is just a no go for me.   I cant explain it really I am just not comfortable, not anxious or anything it is just a feeling.  Think i have been to 3 rugby games in my life despite being a fan of my hometown rugby club all my life.
I do find rope work and flogging very enjoyable and do plan on attending the local rope workshop soon (if it doesn’t co-inside with my week on call).   We recently had the opportunity to attend a Flogging workshop held by Aemellia Hawk and was excited and booked early.   This workshop was a talk and demonstration by Aemeilla and the opportunity to practice in the club and receive coaching from this wonderfully funny and talented practitioner.   However as some of you may know Sweetgirl has had issues with her back for more than a decade.  Earlier in the year she had a procedure done that made her pain free for 2 days as a test.   When we booked it we knew there was a chance that the proper procedure would be done around the time of the workshop.   Yip you guest it the procedure was scheduled for the Friday as the workshop was on the Sunday.   A long story short we attended but due to Sweetgirl being 48 post surgical procedure we didn’t play despite Sweetgirl’s remonstrations (remember my love part of my role is to protect you even from yourself)  but learned lots and have ordered some new floggers from amealia
What does the future hold?  Well that is difficult to answer as it depends on what the future gives me to work with.  There are lots I would like to do and try that will not only push Sweetgirl but push me too.   As I have said I want to attend the rope workshops and there is always the option to play at the munches we attend.  I would like to make more friends in the kink community as there is so much to learn.

When we first joined online communities for BDSM lifestyles, we were excited. Excited to the point that we both had a bit of frenzy. So many people talked about so many things, and we wanted to try it all. We have made many friends over the years who have felt the same way. And frenzy is no joke- it can really get people emotionally and physically hurt. When you are new to the lifestyle, and testing the waters, it can be easy to confide in people who portray an “expert” role. But we have learned that the people who appear to have conquered BDSM and become experts are really the people you need to watch out for. You may come across highly confident individuals who claim to have tried everything. They may state their experience in decades, and manipulate their way into your lives. They will “mentor” you, claiming that there is only one way- their way- and state that anyone else living any other way is fake. These are dangerous waters.

It is SO important to keep in mind that when you go online, you can be anyone. Just because someone says they have been in the lifestyle for 20 years, it does not mean it is true. And we would say to take everything with a grain of salt, but we have seen too many people get injured, and have their relationships destroyed, because of the influence of an expert. You can’t trust anyone, not right off the bat. If you have been given advice by anyone, including those claiming to be experts, get a second, third, even fourth opinion.

Here are some examples of the “expert advice” we have observed over the years:

It is encouraged to add oils to melted wax during wax play.

This is a terrible idea. One, any person in the medical industry knows that oil and burns make burns worse. The context of this advice was explaining wax play to a newbie. The person sharing this advice claimed to have been given it by a wax expert. The general consensus on wax play is to use pure soy or paraffin wax. For a novice just testing things out, it is especially important to triple check your research and advice received! Advanced players might play with oils, but generally they use them on the body, not in the wax, as a means of easier removal of cooled, hardened wax.


You don’t need a safeword, and can rely on your partner to just know when you’re at your limit.

This is NOT okay. We have decided as a couple that our safewords are reserved only for the most extreme situations, but that is because we communicate with each other during scenes! Some subs say they can’t speak when they are in subspace. But they still have safewords, or at the very least hand signals. It is not the norm for kinksters to not have safewords, and is dangerous for new people to expect their partners to read their minds. The more experienced players might not use safewords, but that is an extreme dynamic, and is not typical, especially with new people.

There is no such thing as an expert. It is one thing to go to a class, or workshop, to learn how to flog, or crack a whip. It is another thing to be told by a total stranger on the internet how to do things. There is no one right way to practice BDSM, but there are very important safety issues to keep in mind. Always triple check the information people give you. Always keep your eyes open and remember that not everyone is what they claim to be. Always use your best judgement on safety and protect your partners.

We hope you enjoyed our post about experts. Don’t forget- experts are like unicorns! They don’t exist.

For more from winnie and Lars visit Married and Owned.

 

Sometimes life feels like a fairy tale. Everything is going your way, you are with the love of your life, nothing could be better.

And sometimes you have a wart covered frog in your face, belching at you while it chomps on flies.

Such is the way of life.

So what do you do with that stinking, stupid frog?

Kiss it. i dare you.

Sometimes our partners just piss us off. They grate on our nerves, get in the way, frustrate us. It’s an ugly truth.

When your prince turns into a frog, they probably need your help turning back into a prince. Kiss it. Kiss it better. Kiss it despite its warts and ugliness and lack of manners or regard for your likes, wants, and desires. Kiss it. Kiss the frog.

In our marriage, the reality is that sometimes we get on each others nerves. It isn’t perfect all the time. my ugly shows, and so does His. Its hard for me to see this- but when Daddy is being a frog, i need to swallow my pride and take a look in the mirror, cos chances are, i am being one too. As His submissive, and as His wife, i need to see past the flaws, and love Him through them. Because i know He sees past mine, and loves me anyway.

We thought it might be useful to have a post about scenes and play which covered both our perspectives. Clearly the roles for Dom and sub are quite different with regards to the input you have at each stage of the process, but we have both found that there are things that we can do which will help it to be the sort of experience we want it to be. 

Setting the Scene

HisLordship

When you are first starting out planning is key. It may seem a bit forced, and not as sexy as the Dom found in fiction, however, you have to assume that they have planned their scene as carefully as you will be preparing yours!  Looking at it in simple terms, imagine a road trip that needs planning. Decide where you both want to go first, that involves a discussion, and probably one of many if this is new to you both. If you don’t know the exact place on the map, agree at least on the general region. Will this scene involve an orgasm for you, or me or both of us? Many scenes (or just play over a shorter period) do not have to end in an orgasm. Just be clear what each of your needs are and you will be fine. Now that we know how it will end, as orgasms tend to slow things down, let’s look at the prep work for the Dom. 
Location, location, location is important. Comfort for both of you, address any sound issues that may be made which could scar your kids or neighbours. Most people at home use the bedroom, and why not? The bed makes a nice play space and all your tools are close by.  If you are going to use those tools be specific on their use and avoid getting them all out just because you haven’t played in weeks. Pick the ones you want to focus on and have them near by. Get your lube warmed up as well as any other metal or glass tools that maybe used. Consider music as it is great for providing atmosphere and to drown out heavy breathing. 
Now you have your outcome and tools, you can think about how long you will play for and how you can bring it together.  Don’t try to pack a lot into an hour, do what is achievable with time to spare. The same applies with even two or three hours, give yourself some wiggle room to enjoy the experience. Finally, walk through the scene in your head. How will you relax her and draw her into the world you have created? Better to hit an obstacle in your head rather than when she is tied to the bed waiting for your next move!  If you get a bit stuck, discuss it with your sub. She is the one who allowing you to dominate her and therefore plays a valid part. Please do not get hung up on the fairy-tale Dom who can’t make a mistake and has women fainting under his control. This person usually has a dragon and lives in Toy Town; in other words they are fiction and you should not measure yourself against them.

Missy

Being a submissive, prior to the scene I don’t usually have anything to prepare or plan as such. I get the easy job – turn up and enjoy. There are certain things that HL will expect me to have done, however. He has requirements of personal grooming so I will make sure that I am clean and fresh and neat and tidy. My nails will be done and I will try to make sure that my skin feels soft and my body is ready for him. Sometimes there will be specific requirements for me to wear something particular or to do something differently for him. The biggest thing I have to do really is to make sure that my head is in the right place. Of course this won’t always work as planned and so if there is something that I think will affect my ability to give him my full attention, I will communicate this beforehand. I used to have loads of questions – oh the questions! – but that has eased a bit and usually now I can run with whatever direction he wants to take us in.

 

Lights up

HisLordship

They say a journey starts with the first step, so in this case make it a strong one. Exerting my authority in a calm and caring manner by verbalising my needs to reinforce what you agreed on will take control away from missy, and this is very important. She will submit to me, and wants to, as this is our agreement.  Telling her to wait for me to arrive is always a good start. She must be in an exposed position to take her mind away from day to day events. She needs to be focussed on me. This can be quite hard sometimes as both of us were probably being active parents not 20 minutes earlier. Either way, I have a sub who wants to be dominated and I need to turn on the Dom in me and let her feel safe and excited.  Do not rush, be calm and if you find it hard, try to pretend she doesn’t know you, or the other way around as it can sometimes help move away from your traditional family roles. Show her your tools, tell her what each one will do or tell her what you hope to acheive with them. Don’t give any opportunity for doubt in her mind. 

Missy

Once the scene has begun there is really very little for me to do. Once my preparation is done, I will usually be told to wait in a certain position or in a certain place. Although we have not begun to play at this point, I would consider it to be part of the scene. This is the time for me to clear my mind and get my head where he wants it to be. This can be tricky at times and it is often a case of swiping left and right in my own mind in order to try to overcome the thoughts that ask to be considered. The position and situation I am waiting in can ease this process greatly. Some of his requests will make me feel so submissive that my mind is already being led by my body into wherever it is he is going to take me. For example, if I am asked to wait naked on my hands and knees, arse in the air with my legs spread, I will feel the air on my skin and burn with the humiliation. The same will happen if we start with an inspection or something of that nature. Basically something that makes me feel vulnerable will make for the ideal start.  

 

Centre Stage

HisLordship

You could start with spanking, caning, flogging or even just touching. Whichever you chose, think of it as adding a thin layer of sexual weight that will pull her deeper down each time you add to it. Add too much too quick and she will slip though your fingers and out of your grasp. One area which can be a challenge is verbal communication during play. Some say they feel awkward, as though it is not their usual voice or choice of words. My response to that would be that no one is telling you what to say or how to say it. Have your own voice by expressing what you see or how you feel. Your sub is likely to be in a position where she cannot see the thing you do!

Missy

When things are in full swing, I am not really thinking about anything. By then I am feeling the impact of whatever he is doing and I am becoming his, slipping further and further down the rabbit hole with him. That is a delicious feeling and one which is quite addictive. I do need to be aware of my own triggers and limits and communicate those with him if necessary, but he is very good at reading me, so this is not something that I would have to do a lot. I do find that to verbalize my thoughts at this time is quite distracting and can pull me out of my submissive space which is counter-productive, but hearing his voice talking to me and asserting his control over me keeps me firmly there. I know that once I let go, I tend to make more noise but this is not a conscious thing and is something that I would rather not acknowledge, although for him to do so will add to the humiliation and actually push things forward for me.   

 

Curtain Fall

HisLordship

Some scenes or play can be quite short and therefore require little recovery. Equally we have been known to play for hours and this takes a toll physically and emotionally. Most, if not all our scenes are sexual and if my sexual needs have not been met during the centre part of the scene, they will be at the end. This produces two positives based on heightened arousal and need. I am aroused having watched and played with missy’s body over a prolonged period of time, and she is very needy to be fucked. It can’t be put simpler than that. The two combined meet a greater need and that is to be joined together with the intensity you lay exhausted from. Aftercare is important for both of us to recover and to spend time just reassuring each other that the red welts across her bum are okay to be there!  At some point later on we will discuss how things went from start to finish. There is always room for improvement, and that’s what makes next time something to look forward to!
Try to take and give feedback constructively. This may be difficult as there are a lot of emotions involved and a simple observation could hit nerve. If something hasn’t gone as well as expected, talk about it and create a new way of doing it. D/s is, after all, a journey! 

Missy

Once the scene is over, I tend to crash a bit. This is when HL will provide aftercare. I have a huge need to be as physically close to him as I can, often pressing myself into him as much as possible. If I could literally climb inside him I would. Although this is a quiet time, it is a huge part of the process as we are sharing the same emotional space. Following this, at some point, we will talk about what happened and how it went etc. We have sometimes called this roses and thorns as we try to look at what worked as well as what didn’t work quite so well. This is not meant in a critical sense but rather as part of the learning process. This is important for me too as I learn a lot about myself from my own reactions and responses to things and this will help to inform what we choose to do next. It is also time to listen to HL and to look for the responses he likes, the things that he enjoys and the way that various things have made him feel.

The topic today is playing with your Dom. We spend a lot of time talking about the things that the Dom does for and to the sub but what are the things that the sub does for and to the Dom? How do you build this type of play into your dynamic so that both parties know that they are wanted and desired?
Join us in the Dungeon and share the things that work for you.

 

 

 

THE FOLLOWING POST IS NOT AN ADVERTISEMENT TO PROMOTE BREATH PLAY. THE ACTIVITY CAN BE DANGEROUS AND POTENTIALLY FATAL. THE INFORMATION BELOW IS OPEN SOURCE MATERIAL AND IS NOT DESIGNED AS AN INSTRUCTIONAL – THE SAFEWORD/S CLUB ACCEPTS NO LIABILITY FOR THE ACTIONS OF INDIVIDUALS WHO PARTICIPATE IN HIGH RISK BASED SEXUAL PLAY.    

Breath play is controlling someone’s breath; their ability to breathe. This can be done by the 3 S’s: strangulation, suffocation and smothering. It can be done alone or with a partner(s). It is not recommended that you do this type of play alone since auto-erotic asphyxiation (choking oneself) is high risk and it is one of the most popular ways in which people die in sexual activities. Continue reading “Hypoxphilia (Breath Play)”