(Author’s Note: This story is the first in a series of stories that feature princesses, twisted fairy tales, and an interrupting co-narrator. For ease, I’ve numbered them in the title. While they really don’t have to be read in a specific order, there are sometimes references to previous stories. I hope you enjoy. – Dean)

 

 

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess.

“Wait. I thought this story was about a zombie princess. Zombies aren’t beautiful.”

She isn’t a zombie yet. This is the beginning of the story. So, she is a beautiful princess.

“Not all princesses are beautiful. Just because Disney likes to draw them that way.”

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. She knew that she was beautiful in her heart and therefore as beautiful on the outside as she was inside. She didn’t need anyone else to validate her beauty. How’s that?

“Fine. I guess.”

One day, on her eighteenth birthday…

“Is this Sleeping Beauty?”

Not exactly. There are zombies.

“It is Sleeping Beauty. Plagiarist. Besides, she’s supposed to be sixteen.”

No minors allowed. Those are the rules. She is eighteen. Do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?

“Yes. I’ll be quiet. You’re still a plagiarist.”

Public domain. To continue: One day, on her eighteenth birthday, her parents decided to throw a big party and invited the entire kingdom. However, there was a new mailman the day the invitations went out and the local angry scientist didn’t get his invitation.

“It’s supposed to be an evil fairy and don’t you mean mad scientist?”

Magical creatures are not necessarily evil. They are just misunderstood. And, he is an angry scientist. He goes to anger management classes.

During the party, the angry scientist walks up to the princess and stabs the back of her hand with a needle contaminated with a zombie retrovirus.

“Wait. Retrovirus? Nevermind. It’s supposed to be the spindle of a spinning wheel. Can’t you get anything right in this story?”

Think about it. She is a princess. Her parents are royalty. She has servants. Why would she be making her own clothes?

“Whatever. Go on.”

The angry scientist stabs the princess and runs out of the room just as the princess turns into a zombie and bites the nearest person to her. That person bites someone else and soon the entire kingdom is nothing but zombies. Eventually, the zombies run out of people to bite and just lay down as if asleep. The princess actually makes it to her bed before laying down. Time passes and the legend grows of the sleeping, beautiful princess in a sleeping kingdom. She can only be awakened by true love’s kiss. They leave out the zombies.

One day, a handsome prince, who knew he was handsome because he made sure everyone told him he was, decided it was his destiny to awaken the sleeping princess.

“Really? Prince Charming?”

No. He wasn’t at all charming. In fact, he was kind of an ass.

“Then why a prince? Why not a princess? You’ve changed everything else. She should be awakened by another princess.”

Then what should we do with the prince? He’s already in the story.

“I don’t care. You should kill him.”

Brutal. The prince, who wasn’t at all charming, traveled to the sleeping kingdom and discovered it was overrun with zombies. He was actually an excellent fighter and battled his way to the side of the sleeping princess. Even though she smelled quite ripe, he was determined to awaken her. He leaned over to give her true love’s kiss…

“Stop. He can’t kiss her. You said you would kill him.”

Patience. He hasn’t kissed her yet.

“Okay.”

As the prince bends over to kiss the sleeping princess, she wakes up and bites off his face.

“Whooooaaa. That’s good.”

After she has finished with the prince, the zombie princess lays down again and closes her eyes. Time passes and everyone has forgotten about the prince. The legend of the sleeping princess in the sleeping kingdom grows.

One day, another princess, who doesn’t care if anyone finds her beautiful or not, hears about the sleeping princess.

“I am going to get confused.”

Why?

“There are now two princesses and they don’t have names. We need to tell them apart.”

Fair. What should we name them?

“We can call the zombie princess Zomba because she is a zombie. And, the other one is Some.”

Some?

“Because she’s Awe Some.”

Okay. Zomba and Some. So, Some was the greatest fencing duelist in all the kingdoms. She made her way to the sleeping kingdom and saw the zombies. She built a great bonfire at the edge of the kingdom and lured all the zombies to it. Then, she quietly made her way into the castle and bedroom of the sleeping princess. There was  a movement as the zombie prince rose to challenge her.

“I thought he was dead.”

They are zombies?

“Oh yeah.”

Some easily defeated the zombie prince and approached the sleeping princess, who was definitely smelling really, really, seriously I mean, really bad. As Some leaned over Zomba to see if she was really sleeping, Zomba opened her eyes and tried to bite Some. But, Some was too quick and jumped out of the way. Some fought off Zomba, pushed the zombie princess against the wall, pulled out her dagger, and….

“Noooo! You can’t kill Zomba!”

But, she’s a zombie.

“It’s not her fault. It’s that angry guy’s fault. What happened to him anyway?”

Probably, a zombie got him.

“You should have said so. If you want me to sleep, you don’t kill Zomba. Why can’t she just give her true love’s kiss?”

She’s a zombie. I don’t think even a kiss can bring you back from that.

“Fine.”

Some fought off Zomba and tells her that she can’t save her but she can keep anyone else from getting hurt. She leaves the sad never-been-kissed Princess Zomba behind and barricades the castle on her way out so that no one else will fall victim to the legend of the sleeping princess.

“It’s not really a happy ending.”

No, it isn’t. Fortunately for Some, she has heard about another sleeping princess guarded by dwarves.

“Another story? Are there more zombies.”

For another time. I’m not sure about zombies, but there may be a vampire.

“Cool. Ni ni.”

Goodnight.

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