Book group chat summaries

This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Anonymous 10 months ago.

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  • #2922

    Anonymous

    Book group chat scribes will post summaries of each chat here ?

    Please contact Miriam, littleloveslars or chicken chick if you would like to scribe during one or more of the book group chats!

    • This topic was modified 48 years, 10 months ago by .
  • #2924

    Anonymous

    Blurb

    • This chat is about book group in general!

    Details

    • Title: Welcome chat
    • Date: 3 Dec
    • Chat leader: littleloveslars (Lars)
    • Scribe: Miriam (Mberani)

    Slars’ summary of today’s chat

    • expectations for time commitments
    • ideas for forum use, ie. quotes, thoughts, etc
    • requests for book suggestions and voting

     

    Discussions (I’ll leave out who said what ? )

    • Created for connection by Sue Johnson
      • Is there a point we should have tried to read to before the first chat?
        • You should aim to complete the introduction-chapter 3 at the least, but it’s ok if you can’t
    • If you want to help our as a scribe or leader for a book group chat
      • Post in the forum
      • Contact Miriam, littleloveslars and/or cc privately or in the main lounge
    • Will you have questions for the chats?
      • yes we have a list of questions for each section
    • Ideas for reading a book as a couple
      • Read to your Dom
      • Summarise the main points of each chapter so the Dom doesn’t have to read/listen to the chapter word for word
    • But if I don’t read it can I still come and listen?
      • yes you can
    • Pace
      • The general idea of book club is that we read books independently and discuss them every 2 weeks except the weekend of New Year.
      • We would judge the amount to read on the chapter lengths
      • with Created for connection we determined that it is readable in 2 months easily
    • Forum
      • Miriam posted an outline of what to expect from book club in the forum: https://thesafewordsclub.com/groups/book-group/forum/topic/welcome-to-book-club
      • I would encourage you to visit the forum section often, especially to make book suggestions as you think of them. it is ok to post more than once
      • If you miss book chats
        • We will try to scribe every meeting so that if you missed or want to read back more easily, it will be documented
        • We also want to make sure that in the section under the book you add quotes, thoughts and opinions when not chatting. sometimes ideas run away from us because life gets in the way, and it helps everyone still get to see your views.
          • You would add to the forum any time, including times when we are not chatting.
          • The point of posting in the forum would be to comment if you missed chat, felt like you had a really special or important point to make, wanted to remind yourself to discuss something in chat, likes/dislikes/reviews, etc
            • So before the chat? Might that spoil it
              • i don’t think so, because with a nonfiction book i don’t see spoilers the same way
      • We are going to make a section on the book group forum where you can post quotes or thoughts you have on books you are reading or have read that really stand out to you that you want to share, even if they aren’t from the book we are reading for book club.
        • it’s a place for pondering
    • Deciding on books for book group
      • Book suggestions
        • Is it mainly non fiction books that you plan to read?
          • we wanted to try to stick to books that help us improve in our dynamic but i think adding some fun books would keep things light and entertaining
          • The thing with fiction is that it can give you ideas for play scenes that you can adapt.
            • That’s the problem with fiction for me though. Sets unrealistic expectations.
              • I’d slightly disagree with you, fiction when you accept it as fiction is entertaining but not real
              • So I read fantasy and take elements that I think would be interesting
        • if you have suggestions i would love to add them to the forum!
        • Screw the Roses, send me the thorns.
          • Has anyone else read that?
          • It is an important one like a BDSM bible
      • Voting
        • I was thinking… we could collate all the book recs and then do a poll thing and then just do the book that has the most votes
        • A poll will be put out (7 Jan 2018) 1 month before we finish discussing created for connection in order to decide what the next book will be and to organise leaders/scribes/questions/pace etc.
    • This reply was modified 48 years, 10 months ago by .
  • #3044

    Anonymous

    Blurb

    • This is Created for Connection chat # 1 and it covers the introduction through Part 1

    Details

    • Title: Created for Connection Chat #1
    • Date: 17 December
    • Chat Leader: Miriam (Mberani)
    • Scribe: Chicken Chick

    Discussion

    General Comments / What you like or don’t like

    • Likes
      • Liked the first three chapters because they explained a lot about my mentality and my childhood and how it damages adult relationships.
      • Liked learning about what people do when they have disagreements
      • Gives a framework to see how you react to what’s happening or see what is happening at a specific time
      • Research adds weight and substance
    • Dislikes
      • The book can be textbook like
      • Author can be long winded (May be good for some)

    Intro Letters

    • For those who haven’t read the book, in the introduction letter by Sue Johnson she says this: “The cor of EFT is to recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing soothing and protection.” The gist is to be open, attuned, and responsive to each other
    • Thoughts on the intro
      • Getting to that point takes a lot of time and trust
      • ego may get in the way
      • sometimes the emotional soothing is a one way street for a while
      • other person can’t provide the support for whatever reason
    • Dom Question
      • How do you depend on the sub for emotional comfort/ soothing, nurturing, and protection?
        • Notice when acting “off” especially when it’s not noticeable to the dom
        • Ask how to help
        • Make the Dom feel important/ Loved
        • Having them in your corner
        • Supporting them
    • Sub Question:
      • How do you provide emotional comfort/ soothing, nurturing, and protection? Do they come to you for it?
        • Sexual release
        • Help with work stuff
        • Pep talks
        • Work through thoughts and feelings
        • Figure out the feelings and the needs and how to meet those needs
        • Giving alone time
        • Following instructions

    Chapter 1: Love a Revolutionary New View

    • Dr Johnson says this: “There are only a few simple strategies that we use to connect and deal with perceived disconnection. 1. When we feel sage enough, we can risk reaching for a loved one and asking for out needs to be met. 2. when we feel unsafe, we resort to demanding and controlling. 3. If we truly expect rejection and desertion, we try to turn away and shut down our needs for connection.”
    • Thoughts
      • People go through all three of these depending on where their head space is
      • Sometimes one reverts to 2 or 3 because it is a learned response, not because they do not feel safe.
      • In order to get to 1 a person must have a sense/ belief of safety
      • It’s a head thing not a heart thing
      • It’s about the perception of safety not always the reality
    • Do doms relate?
      • some rely on their dominate side
      • some go straight to 3
      • some don’t recognize their emotional needs
      • May help to start with primary emotions: mad, sad, scared, glad (The Choice by Dr Edith Eva Eger)
      • 5 Love Languages helps identify emotional needs
    • In your dynamic does Dom/ Sub do stuff to stop #2 and #3 once started?
      • Beg to open up
        • Didn’t really help as it enforced power
      • Communicate
      • Rules to stop # 2
        • No touching without permission
        • asking for needs one time a day
      • Spankings
      • Having to share by end of day
      • May need time to figure out the root of the problem and talk about it
      • It’s ok to ask for needs but not easy
        • IT’S NOT TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM
        • Be RESPECTFUL when asking
        • Better to ask than try to manipulate

    Chapter 2: Where did our Love go? Losing Connection

    • Dr Johnson says: “Underneath all the distress partners are asking each other 1. Can I count on you/ depend on you? 2. Are you there for me? 3. Will you respond to me when I need/ when I call? 4. Do I matter? 5. Am I valued and accepted by you? 6. Do you need me/ rely on me?”
    • Underneath the distress, which question bugs you the most? How is the question answered by your Dom/Sub?
      • People said 3, 5, and 6
      • Rejection is a big fear
    • What do you and your Dom do to answer the questions?
      • Time helps build the trust and connection
      • Asking/ insisting on help

    Chapter 3: Emotional Responsiveness: The Key to a Lifetime of Love

    • Excerpt: “3 main components of emotional responsiveness=A.R.E”  Accessibility: Can I reach you? Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close?”
    • Is there a correlation between the level of emotional responsiveness/ attachment/ connection in you relationship and the state of your D/S?
      • As you grow more attached D/S intensity grows
      • More attached means more submissive feelings
    • How does D/S affect the emotional responsiveness in you relationship?
      • Like a warm fluffy blanket
      • elimination of power struggles > more conducive environment to grow
    • Dr. Johnson also says this: “Emotion comes from the Latin work emovere, to move. We talk about being”moved” by our emotions, and we are “moved” by our emotions, and we are “moved” when those we love show their deeper feelings to us… I saw that when more withdrawn partners were able to confess their fears of loss an isolation, they could then talk about their longings for caring and connection. this revelation “moved” their blaming partners into responding more tenderly, and sharing their own needs and fears.  It was if both people suddenly stood face-to-face, naked but strong, and reached for each other”
    • Thoughts
      • Emotional response from Dom to my needs= trust= stronger D/S
    • What makes you and your Dom/Sub closer to each other? Is it sharing of distressing emotion or something else
      • Communication
      • Quality time
      • Goofy time
      • Sharing a deep need
      • Play/ Sexy time
      • Punishment
    • Name 2 very concrete and specific things that a safe, accessible, responsive, and engaged lover in a relationship with you would do on a typical day and how those things would make you feel in that moment.
      • Tight hugs
      • Undivided attention (no screens)
      • Always thinking of the other
      • When hunkered down using to stuffies to have a conversation.
    • This reply was modified 48 years, 10 months ago by .

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