Story-lines and narratives can be a useful part of play, whether this is sexual or non-sexual. In it’s simplest form this may include playing games together where you use your imagination. For example when HL and I are out and about sometimes we make up details and stories about the people we meet, their lives and what they might think and feel. In some ways this can help us to explore things that we might not otherwise be able to and use our empathy to experience a different range of emotions than we usually would, even though this is only on an imaginary level. We can use this to test things out with each other and get ideas of what might, or might not, be a good fit.

 

The interesting thing with using narratives and story-lines is that although the situation or scenario you construct may be imaginary, the feelings that you experience as a result are real. I have a bad habit of imagining myself into a doom and gloom scenario sometimes. HL may be later back from somewhere than I expect and I can go catastrophising though the whole response where I finally get a knock at the door to say that something has happened. I can live it all to the point where I experience the feeling of shock, and the fear, and the nerves. The tears that fall will be real tears even though they are brought on by a journey down the road of an imagined situation.

 

Clearly this is not something enjoyable or pleasant but it does illustrate the power of the mind to allow us to experience something beyond our own reality. I am not one to get particularly involved with characters from TV and films, but books will get a reaction. A well constructed character in a plot I can relate to will leave me feeling what they feel, despite the fact that I know that they are simply words on a page and it has all been born from the author’s imagination. Thoughts are not truths, but the feelings which arise from those thoughts are real responses, even to imagined pain, pleasure, excitement, loss etc.

 

One way that this can be explored through sexual play is through the use of a role. Having a role will lend itself to becoming someone outside of your own experience, even if only for a short time. Within the safety of a secure relationship, it can leave you free to explore the feelings associated with things that you may not be able to do, or want to do, in real life. Usually this can work well if you tap into something that is already there as a part of you, which you can do by using a role which you can relate to. You are not that person and have the safety of knowing that, but as them you can think and feel and respond in a way which may not fit your usual personality.

 

Once you have adopted a character then you have the freedom to follow a narrative which would apply more to them than to you. This can be discussed beforehand or the details can be fed in as things progress. Some people may be able to improvise comfortably, where others may find it easier to have a story-line to stick to so that they can interact within that. To do this as part of play means that you can imagine details which may not actually be accurate. There can be an audience, or a confidante, or an accomplice. A scene in your own bedroom involving just the two of you can be transported to a different time, a different place and involve people who would not usually be there.

 

Many people use fantasy as a way of initiating and/or sustaining arousal which is not a surprise given that the brain is the most important sexual organ. Most fantasy will involve the use of a narrative or a story-line. While this will often be a private thing which is not spoken aloud, to share it between you and allow that to take you to new places together is just moving this on a step. A lot of BDSM play is about experiencing things in a different way. Focussing on the senses means that reality is often suspended for a time, and this leaves you free to choose what your reality will be. Using mindfucks might also be part of this.

 

Another way to incorporate this into play might be to use actual stories to take you somewhere new. Beth explains that “when we first started out if someone had suggested using a narrative to me I would have thought “role play.” I’d read about scenes like naughty student and strict teacher, Master and slave, spy and interrogator, etc. Those stories sounded fun but I’m no actress and role playing doesn’t appeal to me. But Mister Man can spin a good story and erotic stories help me get in the mood and away from my mundane thoughts. I lay in his arms and he whispers in my ear. He’s perverted a few fairytales into kinky stories. With a few tweaks Goldilocks And The Three bears can be used for a gangbang story, Little Red Riding Hood becomes force or coerced sex, Cinderella and the Prince sneak away for a garden tryst. We can explore things that we wouldn’t be comfortable doing in real life or with other people.”

 

You may choose to build the use of narrative and story-line into your play through the use of stories, through roleplay, through fantasy or use parts or all of them. What it will allow you to do is to explore experiences and feelings, reactions and responses which might not have been possible without it. There is no limit to where you can go and what you can do, other than the limits that your own imagination allows you to have. To quote George Bernard Shaw, “Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine, and at last, you create what you will.”  And so they all lived happily ever after. The End.

I’ve for some time looked through different videos that more or less show details
on fucking machines, and have picked up bits and pieces here and there.
The result is my own working DIY fucking machine. Though, it must be said
that it’s a prototype, noisy and no beauty.
You might find your own way to assemble it.
Have fun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Below I’ll describe the different parts and possibilities.

Motor.
I’ve looked for geared electro motors with around 250-300 rpm, but most of the available are too small and not strong enough.

My choice was a 12V wiper motor.
It’s not expensive and is powerful enough to do the job. It’s a little noisy, but not too bad.
Wish: 268 Nok

Speed controller.
You need a way to adjust the speed.
This one I chose because it comes
with a box for the electronics and is
cheap. This controller supports any
DC-voltage between 9 and 60 volt,
and should handle any motor in this
range. If you plan to make a
remote-control, please note that the
switch carries the power to the
motor and a remote cable can’t be a
signal cable; the cross section is to
small.
Wish: 113Nok

Power supply.
As the motor is 12V you need a 12V
PSU. There is no info enclosed with
the motor, but my PSU
delives 3A, and that’s not
enough.
I  recommend a 5 or 6A version.
Wish: 96Nok

 

 

Assembly.

Depending on the way you assemble this, you might need an extension for the motor shaft. I used a 8mm joint nut 25mm long. That enabled me to easyily mount the rotating arm with an 8mm screw.
The length of the arm gives the stroke length, and you have to be able to easily adjust that.
On the end of the arm you need a ball joint. My choice was made for a 8mm threaded rod.
Then you need a shaft joint for connection to the stroking shaft.
Also with 8mm holes and set screws.
The bearings for the shaft need to
be mounted so the joint doesn’t crash
into them whatever stroke length
you might choose.
Wish: 186 Nok

This really is the noisy part of this
machine. I’ve seen this done with
rails for drawers, which might be
better.
Let me now if you find a better way!

As the shafts are 30cm you need to extend them.
My solution was an length extension for drills (100Nok). To fit the shaft I just mounted it on a drill and sanded the end down until it fitted.
Then the real fun part.
The “normal” way to connect the tools are with air tube connectors.
Wish etc are selling sets with these things, and is easy to fit the female end to the shaft with tape etc.

 

 

The male part for the air tube connector can be mounted
on a vac-u-lock adapter or
simply a flat plate for
suction.

 

 

We thought it might be useful to have a post about scenes and play which covered both our perspectives. Clearly the roles for Dom and sub are quite different with regards to the input you have at each stage of the process, but we have both found that there are things that we can do which will help it to be the sort of experience we want it to be. 

Setting the Scene

HisLordship

When you are first starting out planning is key. It may seem a bit forced, and not as sexy as the Dom found in fiction, however, you have to assume that they have planned their scene as carefully as you will be preparing yours!  Looking at it in simple terms, imagine a road trip that needs planning. Decide where you both want to go first, that involves a discussion, and probably one of many if this is new to you both. If you don’t know the exact place on the map, agree at least on the general region. Will this scene involve an orgasm for you, or me or both of us? Many scenes (or just play over a shorter period) do not have to end in an orgasm. Just be clear what each of your needs are and you will be fine. Now that we know how it will end, as orgasms tend to slow things down, let’s look at the prep work for the Dom. 
Location, location, location is important. Comfort for both of you, address any sound issues that may be made which could scar your kids or neighbours. Most people at home use the bedroom, and why not? The bed makes a nice play space and all your tools are close by.  If you are going to use those tools be specific on their use and avoid getting them all out just because you haven’t played in weeks. Pick the ones you want to focus on and have them near by. Get your lube warmed up as well as any other metal or glass tools that maybe used. Consider music as it is great for providing atmosphere and to drown out heavy breathing. 
Now you have your outcome and tools, you can think about how long you will play for and how you can bring it together.  Don’t try to pack a lot into an hour, do what is achievable with time to spare. The same applies with even two or three hours, give yourself some wiggle room to enjoy the experience. Finally, walk through the scene in your head. How will you relax her and draw her into the world you have created? Better to hit an obstacle in your head rather than when she is tied to the bed waiting for your next move!  If you get a bit stuck, discuss it with your sub. She is the one who allowing you to dominate her and therefore plays a valid part. Please do not get hung up on the fairy-tale Dom who can’t make a mistake and has women fainting under his control. This person usually has a dragon and lives in Toy Town; in other words they are fiction and you should not measure yourself against them.

Missy

Being a submissive, prior to the scene I don’t usually have anything to prepare or plan as such. I get the easy job – turn up and enjoy. There are certain things that HL will expect me to have done, however. He has requirements of personal grooming so I will make sure that I am clean and fresh and neat and tidy. My nails will be done and I will try to make sure that my skin feels soft and my body is ready for him. Sometimes there will be specific requirements for me to wear something particular or to do something differently for him. The biggest thing I have to do really is to make sure that my head is in the right place. Of course this won’t always work as planned and so if there is something that I think will affect my ability to give him my full attention, I will communicate this beforehand. I used to have loads of questions – oh the questions! – but that has eased a bit and usually now I can run with whatever direction he wants to take us in.

 

Lights up

HisLordship

They say a journey starts with the first step, so in this case make it a strong one. Exerting my authority in a calm and caring manner by verbalising my needs to reinforce what you agreed on will take control away from missy, and this is very important. She will submit to me, and wants to, as this is our agreement.  Telling her to wait for me to arrive is always a good start. She must be in an exposed position to take her mind away from day to day events. She needs to be focussed on me. This can be quite hard sometimes as both of us were probably being active parents not 20 minutes earlier. Either way, I have a sub who wants to be dominated and I need to turn on the Dom in me and let her feel safe and excited.  Do not rush, be calm and if you find it hard, try to pretend she doesn’t know you, or the other way around as it can sometimes help move away from your traditional family roles. Show her your tools, tell her what each one will do or tell her what you hope to acheive with them. Don’t give any opportunity for doubt in her mind. 

Missy

Once the scene has begun there is really very little for me to do. Once my preparation is done, I will usually be told to wait in a certain position or in a certain place. Although we have not begun to play at this point, I would consider it to be part of the scene. This is the time for me to clear my mind and get my head where he wants it to be. This can be tricky at times and it is often a case of swiping left and right in my own mind in order to try to overcome the thoughts that ask to be considered. The position and situation I am waiting in can ease this process greatly. Some of his requests will make me feel so submissive that my mind is already being led by my body into wherever it is he is going to take me. For example, if I am asked to wait naked on my hands and knees, arse in the air with my legs spread, I will feel the air on my skin and burn with the humiliation. The same will happen if we start with an inspection or something of that nature. Basically something that makes me feel vulnerable will make for the ideal start.  

 

Centre Stage

HisLordship

You could start with spanking, caning, flogging or even just touching. Whichever you chose, think of it as adding a thin layer of sexual weight that will pull her deeper down each time you add to it. Add too much too quick and she will slip though your fingers and out of your grasp. One area which can be a challenge is verbal communication during play. Some say they feel awkward, as though it is not their usual voice or choice of words. My response to that would be that no one is telling you what to say or how to say it. Have your own voice by expressing what you see or how you feel. Your sub is likely to be in a position where she cannot see the thing you do!

Missy

When things are in full swing, I am not really thinking about anything. By then I am feeling the impact of whatever he is doing and I am becoming his, slipping further and further down the rabbit hole with him. That is a delicious feeling and one which is quite addictive. I do need to be aware of my own triggers and limits and communicate those with him if necessary, but he is very good at reading me, so this is not something that I would have to do a lot. I do find that to verbalize my thoughts at this time is quite distracting and can pull me out of my submissive space which is counter-productive, but hearing his voice talking to me and asserting his control over me keeps me firmly there. I know that once I let go, I tend to make more noise but this is not a conscious thing and is something that I would rather not acknowledge, although for him to do so will add to the humiliation and actually push things forward for me.   

 

Curtain Fall

HisLordship

Some scenes or play can be quite short and therefore require little recovery. Equally we have been known to play for hours and this takes a toll physically and emotionally. Most, if not all our scenes are sexual and if my sexual needs have not been met during the centre part of the scene, they will be at the end. This produces two positives based on heightened arousal and need. I am aroused having watched and played with missy’s body over a prolonged period of time, and she is very needy to be fucked. It can’t be put simpler than that. The two combined meet a greater need and that is to be joined together with the intensity you lay exhausted from. Aftercare is important for both of us to recover and to spend time just reassuring each other that the red welts across her bum are okay to be there!  At some point later on we will discuss how things went from start to finish. There is always room for improvement, and that’s what makes next time something to look forward to!
Try to take and give feedback constructively. This may be difficult as there are a lot of emotions involved and a simple observation could hit nerve. If something hasn’t gone as well as expected, talk about it and create a new way of doing it. D/s is, after all, a journey! 

Missy

Once the scene is over, I tend to crash a bit. This is when HL will provide aftercare. I have a huge need to be as physically close to him as I can, often pressing myself into him as much as possible. If I could literally climb inside him I would. Although this is a quiet time, it is a huge part of the process as we are sharing the same emotional space. Following this, at some point, we will talk about what happened and how it went etc. We have sometimes called this roses and thorns as we try to look at what worked as well as what didn’t work quite so well. This is not meant in a critical sense but rather as part of the learning process. This is important for me too as I learn a lot about myself from my own reactions and responses to things and this will help to inform what we choose to do next. It is also time to listen to HL and to look for the responses he likes, the things that he enjoys and the way that various things have made him feel.

Hello! The following post contains discussion points from the chat hosted at The Safeword/s Club. Join us for our next chat, on Monday, July 30, at 9:30 pm EDT to discuss Rules!

These notes are the opinions of Lars and slars of Married and Owned, and the participants of the chat, and do not reflect the opinions and views of the entire BDSM community.

So… you’ve decided you are kinky! You want to play around, explore, experiment… you have added all of the toys and gear you could ever hope for in you cart online, and when you go to check out, the total is $12,742.89!?!?!!

What on Earth are you to do?!

Enter: Pervertables!

Pervertables are items that you might find and use in your everyday vanilla life, that you pervert for kinky uses. It could be a wooden spoon you normally make sauce with, repurposed as a paddle. It could be a tension rod turned into a spreader bar (i will share how we did this in the DIY section of our blog). It could even be a length of rope from your garage, turned into a flogger! Pervertables are only limited by your imagination!

A few things to keep in mind when getting creative at home:

-Safety first- DO NOT insert vegetables, things that can leave splinters, things that could break off, etc, into your orifices. Not only will they put you at risk for humiliating emergency room visits, but they could have chemicals like pesticides or bacteria on them. Doesn’t sound fun, or worth it!

-Always test your pervertables before you use them. Make sure they will not break during use.

-Remember that quality matters. Sometimes it is worth it to spend a little money on an item designed for what your needs are, rather than Jimmy rigging your own.

Examples shared:

  • Wooden kitchen utensils
  • Curtain tie backs
  • Rope
  • Shower curtain rod
  • Chains
  • Sequins, feathers, fabric
  • Craft store items
  • Hardware store items
  • Scarves
  • Pantyhose
  • Clothes pins

The possibilities are endless! Have you ever made pervertables or kinky DIY projects? Share in the comments below!

Quote of the evening by Foxy:

Pervertables are innocent objects that get bent to naughty purposes.

I have to admit that I am partial to a bit of DIY. It all stems from my Dad, who in my younger days, would say,
“You need to watch me fixing this son, it will save you a fortune when you’re older.”
He was was right. I have engaged in many DIY activities at home and have even earned additional cash when times were hard. I’m not a skilled trade man, and have only cut the end off one finger so far, so I’m an amateur by comparison, and have learnt more through my mistakes than successes. I publicly offer my apologies to my work colleague of 30 years ago when I told him I could plaster his dining room, when in fact all I managed was to coat his house in pink dust and solidify his carpet. Lesson number one; Stop being a cocky 20 year old and don’t rely on your father to make a hoax call about a flood to get you out of the house to come up with a plan B!  I digress..

In much later life, being able to use tools and see the possibilities in every day items soon steered my thinking towards all things Kink. Now we all know that quality toys are expensive, and generally you get what you pay for in terms of safe materials and longevity. A quick visit to a kink fair or scanning Pinterest soon uncovers hidden possibility in my cache of ‘It will come in handy for something one day’ piles of wood, old chair legs, steel tubes, nut, bolts and all manner of things most would class as rubbish! I don’t need a garage, I need a barn.

My first experiment was fixing a children’s Bicycle handlebar grip to a dildo. I found the lube made the dildo unwieldy when looking for a good grip. The non slip handle worked well when getting up some speed!  I admit it did look it was missing a multi-coloured tassle hanging from it, and on occassion I had to resist the urge to twist it like a throtle and make motorbike noises.  I need to grow up.

Then I found the book Build Better Bondage. Real ideas, clear plans and simple instructions. That produced our first play bench, which having never followed construction plans beyond an Ikea Billy Bookcase, worked out really well. I made some modifications at the time, and after using it a few occasions, made some more. I even added an extension for a fucking matching mount! It could do with a complete design overhaul and a new build; Maybe one day I’ll scope that out.

I like using something that is handmade, it adds to the event. We have flogger made by Daisy and it’s lovely. It looks great and feels meaningful when using it. It gives it a third dimension in knowing someone worked hard to produce something so fine. The polished wood, dyed black hide and a few small artistic touches to finish it off. You don’t have to have a large disposable income to be creative. For example, my friend Mr.Ham (Dom to Blomst) gave me a 30cm x 10cm piece of reinforced rubber mat. It was a off-cut from one of his projects to make an impact toy. She called it the Howler, and boy is it well named!  Having looked at the innocent piece of rubber I decided to fix it to a handle for better use. I search for old handles in the garage and left empty handed. I had a Eureka moment and after an hour an old chair leg became a handle. I was rather proud of myself. 

  

So next time you are in your local DIY store, view it as an extention to your favourite sex shop and let your imagination run wild!

 

This post was originally posted on http://www.marriedandowned.com

 

Our first post! Eeeeeee!

So Daddy and i have had to get creative lately- i had a medical procedure done that prevents us from having sex right now. And we have soooo much sexual energy and tension going on, so we have channeled it into pervertables and the like- gives us something to look forward to. T minus 2 days until go time!

Anyway, we have a gazillion toys, lubes, impact toys, etc. and they started overtaking our bedside tables, dresser drawers, closet… you get the picture. It was driving me crazy! And i was beginning to worry that our children were going to accidentally get into things. So naturally i begged Daddy to help me find a creative way to store all of our naughty goods! At first i thought maybe we could use a tool chest, because they lock, and because they have all sorts of handy drawers and compartments to fit all sorts of fun things. But then i realized how expensive they are, and hey, i don’t know about you, but we are on a budget! So thennnnn i realized we had a basically unused dresser we could modify, and off we went to Ikea to get all the liners, bins, and organizers you could ever dream of, if you dream of those sorts of things. i do.

We used the Ikea Hemnes dresser, pictured below. It has a pretty hefty price tag considering how small it really is, at $199, so if we didn’t already have it, i’m not sure it would have been my first choice. Nonetheless, it works well for our needs.

Note: everything but the toys and gear is from Ikea. i adore Ikea, and you should too.

Hemnes Dresser from Ikea

We started by adding drawer liners. i botched the measuring and cutting, naturally, so Daddy stepped in and fixed what i did, and finished the rest.

Then, we started with the organizers and bins, deciding how we wanted to lay everything out.

This is the result:

i am really happy with how it turned out. Everything is so clean and tidy, and in it’s place.

Oh, and if you were wondering what we did to prevent our kids from getting in to the drawers, we used a handy dandy magnetic locking child proof system!

So there you have it! Our innocent, white little dresser, that contains all of our kinky tools! Let us know your thoughts in the comments below!

Price list-
Dresser- $199
Drawer liners- $3.99
White bins- $1.99 each (we got 4)
Gray cutlery trays- $2.99 each (we got 2
Clear organizer- $3.99

It wasn’t always fishnets; I have always loved underwear on a woman, even back as a kid when my Mum bought clothes in the 1970s from catalogues. There I would be, staring at Action Man or Tonka Toys until she left the room, and with an almost silent whump of bulk pages being transported from the back section (it’s where the toys always were) to the front second section (after ladies’ dresses it was sleepwear and then underwear).  There before me were ladies in Playtex girdles and Cross Your Heart bras, however, keep turning the pages and you found suspenders and stockings.  Even at the age of 10 this had appeal over Action Man, but only just.  It wasn’t what you could see, but what you couldn’t. To be honest, even if nipples and pubes were on show, I would have approached them with the same trepidation of attempting to understand religion; but when I became a man, I cast aside childish things.

 

Jump forward 40 years and my love of stockings remains. They are a mediator between my eye and soft skin.  The fishnet stocking effects a transition from the existing physical familiarity of Missy’s body that I usually see when she undresses after work or before bed, into the illusionistic realm of being somewhat unobtainable. Stockings, especially fishnets for me do not provide visual transportation graciously, they grab you by the balls and say, “Fuck me if you dare!”

 

The comedian Dara O’Brien’s sketch on the stocking is fantastic as it highlights his perceived ludicrousness from a stocking worn at thigh height as being in the ‘sexy zone’ to it dropping below the knee to a ‘passion killer’ pop-sock. He does recognise that in between you find the over knee Japanese school girl, however, he skirts around that at some speed.  He does not mention fishnets which is a real shame as I am sure there is some comedic value there if you trawl deep enough.

 

Fishnets for me take me back to the very early 1980s with MOD revival, Skinheads and Ska music all rolled into one fantastic hedonistic period of my life.  Female skinheads with cropped feather cuts, Fred Perry T-shirts, braces, miniskirts, fishnets and Dr. Martin Boots.  The fishnets just rocked my world, I mean I really had a thing about girls in them. Unfortunately, physically fulfilment was lost, for MODs and Skinheads never the twain shall meet.

 

In more recent times, a’ la last weekend at Eroticon, Missy tried on one of her two new body stockings in the confines of our hotel room.  Although not traditional diamond fishnets, I was met with many bubbles of beautiful circular white skin in this unusual design. It looked fantastic and warranted several angular poses to get the desired effect.  And so, we end back where I started, not with a Gratton’s catalogue underwear page, but more with the focus on framing a perfect image and allowing the eye to be confused by a fishnet pattern.  Diamonds or bubbles, Missy or Skinheads, they all scream, “Come and have go if you think your ‘ard enough!”

 

This is a post that I wrote last year and posted on submissybut it seemed to fit with the ones on consent and on roleplay which were posted here already.

 

Sir and I have talked for a while about trying some ‘resistance play’. We both like the idea of a bit of a struggle and thought it might be something different to experiment with. We hadn’t really talked fully about this and the ways that we might work it into our scenes and play in order to explore it, but I guess that it was floating around somewhere in the background. Anyway, as I said earlier, as part of his birthday celebrations Sir had requested a return visit from Elf. For those of you who follow my blog you may remember that the naughty Elf was a gift on Day 16 as part of my submissive advent calendar. I realise that I never actually posted about the antics that took place, although I know that Sir did include some details on his blog, but I think that he enjoyed the naughty and cheeky way that elf behaved and was looking for a re-run. I should point out here that elf is not really like the usual me and is also not particularly submissive, so there is definitely a bratty, pleasure driven side in there somewhere just waiting to get out when the time is right.

 

So it happened that as a naughty elf was walking in the woods last Saturday, it came upon a beast. Not one to be scared easily, the elf did not immediately run and hide, but approached the beast with some sense of bravado and demanded to know what it what it was doing. Elf commented on the beast’s lack of fur but began to stroke it regardless. Elf noticed then, that the beast had a front tail and the stroking of this, and the area surrounding it, appeared to arouse the beast somewhat. The beast then declared that he would have the elf and show it the full magnitude of his marvellous front tail. Elf being elf was intrigued but was far too playful to give in without a fight. And so, a struggle ensued whereby the beast tried to use his strength and brute force to conquer the elf, and the elf tried to wriggle and squirm its way from the beast’s grasp, distracting the beast with rude and foul remarks designed to make the beast lose his concentration and throw him off his game.

 

The tale of the elf and the beast in the woods is a much longer one than this of course, and it took a few unexpected twists and turns along the way! But suffice to say that the issue of consensual non-consent was a large part. In order for there to be a struggle , there had to be a battle of wills and also of strength. Both the actions and the words used had to communicate this in order for it to really work. Fortunately our hotel room was at the end of a quiet corridor and, being a sunny afternoon, there were also fewer people around. However, had anyone chanced upon our door, they would have deduced from the squeals and the words exchanged and the tone of voice and the thuddy movements and sounds of combat, that this was not a consensual exchange. Did elf say that what it wanted was to be roughly taken by the beast? No of course not for where would the fun be in that? Rather the thrill of the chase and charge of the struggle and the heat that was caused by the exchange added to the final submission when the fight was over and the elf, huffing and panting, finally had to submit to a greater power.

 

Perhaps the role play here gave us the freedom to explore by tapping into lesser used parts of our characters, but really this is just an extension of what we often do. Even HisLordship and missy pull on different connections than those that P and E draw on to function within their different roles. We are husband and wife, Dom and sub, and everything else in between. We can become so lost in the vanilla people that we also are, that it can be good to release and forget those characters for others who are more carefree and fun and more focussed on mutual pleasure. I think that even without the cloak of beast and the elf, we enjoyed the struggle and the resistance, and this is something that we fully intend to explore again in a number of different forms.

 

Being taken with force appeals to me on so many levels. I like to feel small and vulnerable and to be reminded of Sir’s strength and power. I find it so sexy when he ‘forces’ me whether that is in terms of the physical, or simply in asserting his will over me. I also like the roughness and aggression that the abandoning of regular convention brings out in him and I can actually see the dark desire in his eyes. There is a feeling of safe danger, which I know is an oxymoron, but so many of the feelings I experience through this are seeming polar opposites which actually merge together to create something new. Giving consent to be used by Sir as, when and how he likes was a clear part of my submission from the outset. In fact, it was actually something that I had fantasised about for a while and something I saw as being a key part of the relationship, even the before D/s.

 

Was consent present at the time? Yes without doubt it was. Did we sit down at that moment and discuss and agree that what was to take place was the feigning of consent in order to further our scene? No we didn’t because we didn’t need to and that would have spoilt it. We know each other well enough to know that we are not crossing any boundaries that we don’t both want to cross together, and this is because we are dedicated to continual open and honest communication with one another that has allowed us to reach this point. The love, respect and trust is there and so we are both able to let go and enjoy each other in complete safety. That is consensual non-consent and the beauty of it is that it gives you the freedom to let go of many of the societal norms that would usually hold you back, and just let go and enjoy the more primal part of yourself and of your partner.

We recently had a chat at The SafeworD/s Club about Roleplay. In my preamble to the topic I described roleplay as the marmite of BDSM as people either seem to love or to hate it. It turned out that most of us who attended the chat were fans, although we’d all had some good, as well as bad scenes and all felt that there were limits as well as secrets to what would or wouldn’t work. No one wants to fall off the stage, or be left in front of an audience with their trousers down, so I thought that I would share what has and hasn’t worked for us.  

 

HisLordship and I do like roleplay. We have found that it is a good way to introduce new things and to push our own boundaries a bit. We started with school girl scenes, introduced medical scenes and really took it from there. In fact, Sir has even said at times that in the early stages he felt a bit like being a Dom was another role that he was playing. Thankfully since then it has become a lot more natural for him, but I think there is still an element of tapping into that sort of head-space so that he can think and feel as he wants to do. This will happen more often when we are having a high protocol scene and he is being quite formal and issuing lots of instructions. 

 

I think it is important too, when choosing a role, to find something that you feel at least a bit comfortable with. While you may be using roleplay to push your boundaries and fulfil the kinky desires of your partner, for me, it would need to be a role that I could relate to. The ones that are most successful for me are ones where my vulnerability is heightened and also ones where there is some humiliation. That is because these things turn me on anyway so it is easier for me to let go and be responsive to it. I am always submissive in the bedroom so a role where I have to take the lead will be much more challenging for me and will mean that I am more likely to stay in my head instead of letting go. 

 

Passive roles work usually work if you are a sub because most of us are able to follow instruction and be led in the right direction. But part of roleplay is about providing something different than the role that you would usually take. Whatever the role, you need to allow the other person to explore their kink in a way that they would not be able to usually; this is the difference between roleplay and what is your own dynamic. Even with a relatively passive role, such as a slave girl,  you will probably still need to tap into the inner part of yourself that your Sir is looking for and respond to him in that way.  Playing the role of a school girl or a bunny or a slave is not the same as identifying as a little or a pet or indeed being in a M/s dynamic.

 

I have found that often roles which seem to be quite close in terms of what they require can actually be further apart for me that HisLordship might think. There are subtle differences in the way that I see myself and rather than tap into something positive inside, it can actually tap into my inner fears. We had a disastrous scene where he wanted me to be a porn actress auditioning while he filmed me. This was so far removed from anything I would do that my confidence to see it through just fell away. I ended up in a bit of a downward spiral and had to be scooped up and taken in a different direction. So ‘no’ to the porn actress but ‘yes’ to the private dancer. ‘No’ to the high class hooker but ‘yes’ to the courtesan. 

 

This confused me for a while but I have come to see roleplay more as having to fit in with who I am. As a person I think many of us wear different faces for the different roles we have in life and really a role with a sexual theme is no different. As with anything it is about finding the path where your fantasies cross with each other so that you can more easily explore them together. It is thinking about the things you would like to try but are afraid to, and working out if hiding yourself under a different mask will allow you to do that in a way that will mean you can break down the usual barriers which allow you resist. 

 

Roleplay has allowed us to touch on consensual non-consent, primal play, age play, pet play and objectification and realise that these are areas that we would like to explore further. It is an easy vehicle to do this as it can be discussed beforehand so that you have an idea of how your partner will react, but because you are ‘not actually you’, it is easy to let go and take things further than you might usually. For me one of the things that I love is being able to get out of my own head and leave the thoughts that hold me back there behind. If you can escape into this new role then I find that is a relatively easy way to achieve this sort of freedom of mind and action. 

 

If you are just starting out with roleplay then I would suggest thinking about the kind of personality you have and the sorts of things that you like. Do you lean towards the bratty? Do you get excited by fear? Do you like to feel vulnerable or to be overpowered? Are you passive or active? Do you like pain and torture? Do you want to be worshipped or want to be tamed? I think that if you are able to dig deep to find what makes you work then you will be more able to bring that to the discussion about suitable roles and scenarios and then more able to bring yourself to the role that is chosen.

 

We do talk before trying a new roleplay scene, however, this is usually in general terms. We never follow a script although there may be something to set the context, such as a scenario, some dialogue or some instructions which will help to get us started. We will ad-lib from there and go with it together which is why it is important to have something that we can relate to. We usually have quite open ideas and expectations and that fits with the sorts of scenes that we have and the sort of Dominant that Sir is. A Dom who was more particular in expectations would likely have more structure and more instructions so that their desires were met that way. 

 

Because of the way we spark off each other, we have often found that things have come up during role play which we have gone on to discuss after, and then explore and incorporate in our other scenes and play. It isn’t that we go out of our way to keep things hidden usually, but sometimes we have discovered interests and kinks which we didn’t really know were there. In this way we have been able to push our limits a little which is always quite an exhilaration experience. 

 

I guess like every other type of kink and BDSM play, roleplay is something that you either want to do or don’t. Some will enjoy it and find it a good fit and others will prefer to stick with the things that do it for them. I think that, while you need to make sure that you are safe and sane and consensual, it is always good not to take yourself or the activity too seriously. The point is to have fun with it and through that shared pleasure to build a deeper connection with each other. Most of our roleplay will end in sex and at some point along the way, the role will probably take a back seat to the events that are happening and the mask will fall away as we arrive at our destination. 

Anal play is something that I have posted about a bit on submissy but as anal sex was the prompt for Kink of the Week I thought that I would add my thoughts here too. Anal was something that I had thought about before HisLordship, but had never been with anyone who had suggested it, so like with most things I kept my fantasies hidden and didn’t suggest it either. I knew Sir for quite while before we were together and the first time we were in bed together he asked if he could put his finger in my arse. I said yes and in a deep, low whisper directly into my ear he told me just to relax. I melted, did as instructed and at that point I knew that this relationship was different to the ones I had been in before.  I think we both knew pretty quickly that it was something we had to hold on to, and were excited to explore the hidden fantasies that we had both held silently for so long, enjoying the kink and finally arriving at the D/s dynamic we have today.