When i think about vanilla life, just having general relationships outside of kink, i think about how important it is to laugh. i mean, if it isn’t fun, or at least minimally enjoyable, why engage? This leads me to the topic of nonsexual play. i am going to write about it specifically for romantic relationships, but this could really apply to any friendship.

When Daddy and i met, we were 800 miles apart. We didn’t have the luxury of dating, we had time differences, and between the two of us, we had 5 jobs. i also had a 2 year old. Those things made for a rough start. i was newly out of a seriously bad relationship, and wasn’t really looking for love in any form. So when Daddy and i connected, it was more about laughing and relaxing than it was anything else. Talking to Him felt good. We started out playing the games 14 year old girls play at slumber parties- 20 questions and truth or dare. We spent so much time asking questions, that eventually we ran out, and had to find other resources to give us more ideas. We spent hours talking, falling asleep on the phone. And this was back when people had minutes. His phone bills were a bit much, but we just couldn’t help ourselves. We talked and talked and played our games, and suddenly He was at my door with His entire life packed in boxes, and He moved in.

Somewhere in that journey things became sexual. But we had based our relationship on more than that, and so it wasn’t the main priority. We made some friends that were couples and began hosting game nights. We played games just He and i. We changed and evolved, but kept having fun. It doesn’t always have to be tits and cocks and lubes and cuffs. Some nights we are on the Xbox cursing into our microphones. Some nights we are playing cards, sipping scotch and smoking cigars (a little who smokes cigars, how scandalous!). Some nights we lay in bed, and He watches me color, or play with my toys. One time we even tried to make our own wedding cake, which was a disaster. But all of it has been fun. And the laughter has been the best part.

Playing is more important in my relationships than almost anything else. i crave laughter, feel fulfilled when Daddy thinks i am clever or funny, i like being lively and silly and playful. i love when Daddy breaks out his face splitting grin at me. It really has nothing to do with age play or D/s. It’s more about remembering to not become complacent, to change things up, to keep surprising each other.

Examples of non sexual play:

  • Board games
  • Card games
  • Video games
  • Trivia
  • Tickle fights
  • Pillow fights
  • Crafts
  • Playing with toys
  • Massage
  • Taking a shower or bath together
  • Cooking together
  • Telling jokes
  • Reading together
  • Puzzles
  • Movie night

Have you had enough non sexual play in your life lately? What do you do to play in non sexual ways? Comment below!!

Who is your little self?

In the book The Big Book For Littles, the author Penny Barber lists a few pages of questions, with the invitation to blog about them. The questions are designed to help you identify and explain your little side, to help you, your Big, and your friends understand you. When i think about being little, it is really hard to give a clear explanation of what it means and feels like. These questions make it much easier to communicate your desires, needs, and personality to your partner, and also to yourself. The list is long, so i plan on answering them bit by bit, and will post my thoughts and discoveries. If you haven’t read this book, i highly recommend it. You can find it on Amazon Kindle for $9.99.

Here is the list:

  • When in little mode, do you behave yourself?
  • Which adjectives describe you? Are you bratty? Helpful? Shy?
  • Does your behavior and demeanor depend heavily on the situation?
  • Are there any labels that might help others to understand you better?
  • Do you like this label?
  • What, if anything, do you wish was different about how people perceived the label?
  • Do you use this label only out of necessity or do you wear it proudly?
  • Do you have a little personality distinct from your everyday self? If so, what are the differences?
  • Do you prefer being your everyday self to being little or vice versa? Do you enjoy both personas more or less equally?
  • Do you like to regress, i.e. feel like you’ve become a younger age, when you’re age playing? If so how do your behaviors and thoughts change?
  • If you do regress, is your little self an expression of an alternate personality, or just you as your younger self?
  • What does your little like to do?
  • What sort of clothing does your little like to wear? Do you like special panties, ruffled socks, onesies, overalls, etc.?
  • Do you consider age play clothes fetish wear or would you wear them in public in your daily life?
  • Would you be able to age play without these clothes?
  • Do you enjoy playing with other littles?
  • Are your relationships with other littles an expression of polyamory or are they strictly platonic?
  • Do you enjoy being cared for by caregivers who may not be bonded to you, like a babysitter, or do you only want a very close caregiver, like a Mommy?
  • List three characteristics of the ideal Big for your little.
  • List three characteristics of your little’s perfect best friend.
  • Do you like to wear diapers when you’re being little? If so, what kind?
  • Are you loyal to a particular brand?
  • Choose three adjectives to describe your perfect diaper.
  • Do you like to use diaper toiletries like baby powder, baby oil, petroleum jelly, diaper rash cream, etc.?
  • Do you become embarrassed when you wear a diaper and, if so, is it enjoyable to be embarrassed?
  • Do you like wetting or messing your diaper? If so, do you like being made to wear a wet or soiled diaper for an extended period of time?
  • What are the steps for your ideal changing ritual?
  • Is a diaper change sexual for you? If so, is it foreplay for the main event? Is a diaper itself a sex toy to you?
  • How do you feel about simulated messy diapers with things like shaving cream or bananas?
  • Do you enjoy forced diaper use, like enemas or diuretics?
  • How do you feel about including sexual paraphernalia like butt plugs in a diaper change?
  • What are your little self’s favorite things to do during playtime?
  • Do you have any special toys? Would you be upset if someone else touched or used this toy?
  • Are you good at sharing?
  • Would you engage in an activity that you didn’t like or found boring in order to accommodate a playmate?
  • Describe a perfect afternoon with your ideal little best friend.
  • Do you have imaginary friends? Are you friends with your stuffed animals and toys?
  • Does your little self enjoy or tolerate being punished?
  • Would you prefer punishments to be humiliating, painful, or time consuming?
  • Which punishments would you absolutely not submit to?
  • How does being punished make you feel?
  • Should punishment be an experience on its own or only in response to misbehavior on your part?
  • Would you become upset or defiant if you felt that you were being punished unjustly?
  • List five punishments that you would enjoy submitting to.
  • Should punishments be appropriate to your little age? What are your criteria for determining the appropriate punishment?
  • Do you enjoy having special rules for when you are in little space?
  • Are these rules meant to control your behavior or help you get into little space?
  • Would these rules be realistic rules that a chronological child should abide by, like washing your hands before you eat, or fetishistic like having to wet at least 2 diapers per day?
  • Would these rules be set by your Big alone or would you have input? Are there certain rules that you would not consent to?
  • Based on your little age, how much control would a Big have over you in regards to leisure time, goals, speech, dress, hygiene, etc.?
  • Does your little self have chores? Homework? If so, do you have a good attitude about it?
  • Do you enjoy using ageplay to motivate you to do work, like having a sticker or earning a reward?
  • Would this scenario work only in a fantasy setting or would you like to be motivated to complete mundane chores like paying bills and cleaning the kitchen?
  • How frequently do you like to age play?
  • Do you always like to go all the way, or is it sometimes preferable to experience a lighter, less immersive age play, like only sucking on a pacifier or just wearing age play clothes?
  • Are there certain things going on in your life that might make you want to age play more or less often or is your desire pretty constant?
  • Are there certain places that make you feel more little?
  • Are there places that you feel are sacrosanct only to age play or only to being Big? If so, why?
  • Are there any changes that can be made to a space to make it feel more like a safe or fun place for you to be little, like making sure the space is soundproof or putting out little decor?
  • Are you comfortable age playing in vanilla, non-adult settings, like the zoo?
  • Do you like to age play in semi-public settings, like at a BDSM play party?
  • If you do play in public, what’s your plan for dealing with onlookers who may become curious, uncomfortable, or offended?
  • Is there something that can happen that makes you feel little?
  • Do you enjoy it when something unexpected makes you feel little? Can it be deliberately initiated?
  • Is it embarrassing to be made to feel little in public, even if you aren’t acting little?
  • Is your little side always or sometimes dominant?
  • Do you feel dominant toward everyone or only to a specific person or type of person?
  • Is your little mean, like a bully or tattletale?
  • Is your little a leader?
  • Do you enjoy physical discomfort when in little space, like spankings, hair pulling, rough penetration, etc.?
  • Do you enjoy emotional discomfort like being teased, being scolded, being put on time out, losing your favorite toy, etc.? If so, is this discomfort just part of your interactions as a little, or is it a punishment?
  • Should punishments be non-sexual, sexual, or a mix of the two?
  • Do you enjoy more domestic punishments like being spanked with a belt or hair brush?
  • Do you enjoy more institutional punishments like being spanked with a paddle or being made to hold dictionaries on outstretched arms?
  • Does your little self experience full blown feelings of adult love or crushes?
  • How would your little self express romantic affection?
  • In which ways would you not like to experience or express romantic affections as a little? Would these expressions make you uncomfortable or do they just not resonate with you?
  • Is your little self more or less open to multiple romantic relationships than your big self? Equally open?
  • Is it appropriate for a little your age to have a romantic partner and go on dates? Would you do it even if it was, or because it was inappropriate?
  • Would your partner take the lead in the relationship or would you?
  • Would you only date your Big?
  • Would your relationship to your Big be more of a parent child relationship where your Big would determine whether or not you could date other individuals?
  • Does your little self like to hurt others?
  • Do you enjoy inflicting physical pain, like giving someone a wedgie or an Indian burn?
  • Do you enjoy inflicting emotional pain, like calling someone names or insisting a Big read you a sexual story when they don’t want to?
  • Do you like to have sexual contact when in little space? If so, what kind? Do you like to masturbate in little mode?
  • Does play still feel sexual even if you’re not engaging in sexual activity?
  • Do you like the vibe to feel intense, playful, coerced, or some other way?
  • Do you prefer to be the one to initiate sexual contact? How might your partner ask if you would like to be sexual and obtain consent?
  • What, if anything, makes a sexual experience as a little different than a sexual experience as a big?
  • Does entering little headspace allow you to de-stress or experience emotions that you might usually have trouble accessing?
  • Are there things that can stress you out when you are little?
  • How does your little respond to stress?
  • As a little, do you feel submissive to certain people, for example, caregivers?
  • Do you only feel submissive to one person? Are you submissive in general?
  • Is being made to be little the same as being made to submit?
  • Which age ranges do you like to role play?
  • Are these age ranges expressions of the same persona, or is, say your teenager persona completely different from your toddler persona?
  • List ten adjectives that you feel strongly represent this age.
  • Is there a fictional character who you feel represents this age really well?
  • When you were this age, what was your life like?
  • What were you like?
  • How do you wish these things were different? What did you enjoy?  

Have you discovered a little side of yourself? Tell me more in the comments below!

 

 

This post was originally featured on www.marriedandowned.com

This post was originally shared on Married and Owned

Needing a reset

Resets are not just scheduled meetings, they are necessary moments when one or both of us feels out of control, stressed out, or distant.

When babygirl needs a reset

my need for a reset is often triggered when the noise in my head gets so loud that i lose my centered submissive mindset. i can’t focus on anything, including D/s, and most of the noise is about my life outside of D/s. i tend to feel cranky and dissatisfied, teary, emotional, less focused, unable to concentrate, and i don’t feel like myself. At times i even catch myself fighting my submissive side, entering into alpha mode.

When Daddy needs a reset

My need for a reset is usually a response to baby’s need for a reset. But sometimes I find that I feel stressed out or dissatisfied with my level of control in our relationship.

Some of the triggers that cause us to need a reset:

-Work
-Children
-Family
-Health
-Small things building up over time
-Stressful situations
-Unexpected complications

When life gets in the way, it just isn’t convenient. It sucks. And it can be crazy making, because that peaceful D/s balance gets thrown way off track, which in turn throws us both for a loop. And sometimes, when things get really crazy, we don’t always notice the other’s need for communication, or a reset. When that happens, we kind of have to force ourselves out there, and ask for what we need. Some phrases we have found to be effective when bringing the need for a re-connection up in conversation are listed below:

Making I statements can help prevent miscommunication and defensiveness

I feel:
-Tightly coiled
-Wound up
-So stressed out
-Blah
-Quiet
-Depressed
-Emotional
-Distant

From there, we talk about why we feel that way, and what we can do to fix it. Sometimes it doesn’t lead to a reset, but instead we stay up late just talking. Other times, Daddy decides that a reset is in order, and we go from there.

Communication is imperative in a reset

When Daddy decides that we need a reset, it usually involves the following:

-a good hard spanking, impact play
-orgasms, including forced orgasms
-intense pain and pleasure, to the point baby isn’t sure she can handle it
-Daddy pushing the boundaries of baby, getting out of comfort zone
-communication

Daddy and i have come up with some preventive measures, to try to reduce the frequency of need for resets. Those measures include:

-Maintenance spankings
-Weekly meetings
-Changing things up, modifying rules, limits and expectations
-Utilizing code words that express a need, without having to spell things out; ex: I’m dropping
-Being aware of each others body language and behaviors
-Sufficient Aftercare

In general these things really help. But i want to bring up two things that i have tried to unsuccessfully research-

What do i do when we have had a reset, but i continue fighting my submissive side? Why can’t i achieve the headspace i am looking for?

This is something, especially in the beginning, that i really struggled with. Being a little means that i’m not always a perfect, meek submissive. i have personality traits that make me more difficult than some subs might normally be. i love serving Daddy, caring for him, and i never want to displease him. The issue is internal, like i just won’t let go, and i fight with myself. When this happens i have taken to trying the following:

-Meditating
-Posing
-Sticking to rules and rituals
-Re-reading our rules
-Being grateful for Daddy’s leadership, and hard work in providing for our family
-Deliberately doing acts of kindness for Daddy
-Actively submitting- turning my willful thoughts around as i have them, ex: no becomes yes, even if i really don’t want to do it
-Creating a mantra to help me re-balance

 

Another issue that i don’t think gets talked about enough, is when Doms get in a funk, and need reset. It is super important to note that just like subs need aftercare, Doms do too. Doms are still people in need of love, reassurance, and nurturing. Yes they are strong, yes they are in control. But they have feelings too, you know! With that being said, what do subs do when their Doms need reset? Here is what i suggest! Remind Him of the power He has. Defer to Him to help you make decisions. Thank Him for everything He does for (and to) you. Try to boost His confidence. Make sure He knows exactly how you feel about Him. Crawl across His lap and lay over His knee- give Him something to release His frustrations on. Ask Him what is on His mind, and make sure He knows that you are there to support Him, just as much as He is there to support you.

Resets benefit both parties, and are a really necessary aspect of D/s. They bring us back to the balance we need, with the right levels of power exchange, reassurance, and love.

 

We hope you liked our post on resets! Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!

It was very early on in our D/s, through my reading and chatting with others I was discovering more of myself and found I had a desire to call him Daddy.  It just seemed to fit so much nicer than Sir.  I started calling him Daddy in my head but I could not say it out loud. The thought of telling him scared me more than telling him I wanted D/s. I was really afraid it would weird him out.

 

I consulted with another little that was a “leader” elsewhere and I was advised Not to tell him. She suggested that it would be much better to just focus on the D/s dynamic for a while before bringing up the Dd/lg. I knew that just wasn’t right and I’m glad I followed my instinct rather than her advice. Continue reading “How I told my husband I wanted a Daddy”