These notes were prepared for the Monday night topic chat at The SafeworD/s Club. Join us next Monday to discuss Having a Servant Attitude!

This weeks theme is “All Tied Up”, so Lars and i decided to start by considering being restrained and in control of ourselves first and foremost. We prepared the following questions to be discussed in our chat:

-Have you ever practiced self discipline, punishment, or bondage?
-Does sub or Dom frenzy make self control more challenging?
-Do you have rules regarding masturbation, and is this rule difficult to follow?
-Is orgasm denial equal parts self control and power exchange?
-Are there rules in your dynamic that require you to exercise self control?
-Are you able to remain self motivated and under control without threat of punishment, or breaking a rule?
-Do you set self control oriented standards for yourself, or does your partner?
-What are your biggest hurdles with self control?
-When your partner isn’t looking, do you give in to impulse without admitting so?
-Are there times where self control in D/s has helped in vanilla life?

Here are some highlights from the conversation:

-Basically everyone admitted (even some Dominants!) that when our partner isn’t looking, we are sneaky sneaky jerks, and do things we aren’t always supposed to!

-Self bondage, and punishment is a curiosity, would be and is challenging.

-From a submissive perspective, it appears that while we set our goals and standards ourselves, we want our Dominants to help encourage and motivate us to achieve them. From a Dominant perspective, this is not always apparent. This needs communicated.

-Snacking, exercise, and sleep seem to be big issues for those trying to practice self control.

This weeks chat saw several new faces! Thanks to those who joined in, and we hope to see you next time! Thinking about joining us for a chat? Visit the calendar for more information! Have comments or thoughts about the questions listed? Share them in the comments!

For the last while we have been sending out a weekly newsletter containing details of the theme for the week, and links to the chats, the featured posts and the forum.

As is an issue with a lot of mail like this, it can end up going into the junk folder, especially with platforms like Yahoo, Hotmail and Gmail.  We have a large number of emails bouncing back each week so in an effort to try to tidy things up we have re-issued a confirmation email for those who wish to remain on the subscribers list.  If this is the case, the please click the link on the email and we can update our records accordingly. If you no longer wish to remain on the list then please just ignore the email and we can remove you.

If you have not received a copy of the email then please check your junk folder. If it is not in your inbox or your junk mail then you can email us at admin@thesafewordsclub and we will add you to the list manually.

Apologies for any inconvenience caused; hopefully this will mean that we can have things running more quickly and more smoothly in future. As always, if there is information which you think would be helpful to receive in addition to what is coming out weekly, then please let us know.

Thank you for your continued support,

HL and missy

When we first joined online communities for BDSM lifestyles, we were excited. Excited to the point that we both had a bit of frenzy. So many people talked about so many things, and we wanted to try it all. We have made many friends over the years who have felt the same way. And frenzy is no joke- it can really get people emotionally and physically hurt. When you are new to the lifestyle, and testing the waters, it can be easy to confide in people who portray an “expert” role. But we have learned that the people who appear to have conquered BDSM and become experts are really the people you need to watch out for. You may come across highly confident individuals who claim to have tried everything. They may state their experience in decades, and manipulate their way into your lives. They will “mentor” you, claiming that there is only one way- their way- and state that anyone else living any other way is fake. These are dangerous waters.

It is SO important to keep in mind that when you go online, you can be anyone. Just because someone says they have been in the lifestyle for 20 years, it does not mean it is true. And we would say to take everything with a grain of salt, but we have seen too many people get injured, and have their relationships destroyed, because of the influence of an expert. You can’t trust anyone, not right off the bat. If you have been given advice by anyone, including those claiming to be experts, get a second, third, even fourth opinion.

Here are some examples of the “expert advice” we have observed over the years:

It is encouraged to add oils to melted wax during wax play.

This is a terrible idea. One, any person in the medical industry knows that oil and burns make burns worse. The context of this advice was explaining wax play to a newbie. The person sharing this advice claimed to have been given it by a wax expert. The general consensus on wax play is to use pure soy or paraffin wax. For a novice just testing things out, it is especially important to triple check your research and advice received! Advanced players might play with oils, but generally they use them on the body, not in the wax, as a means of easier removal of cooled, hardened wax.


You don’t need a safeword, and can rely on your partner to just know when you’re at your limit.

This is NOT okay. We have decided as a couple that our safewords are reserved only for the most extreme situations, but that is because we communicate with each other during scenes! Some subs say they can’t speak when they are in subspace. But they still have safewords, or at the very least hand signals. It is not the norm for kinksters to not have safewords, and is dangerous for new people to expect their partners to read their minds. The more experienced players might not use safewords, but that is an extreme dynamic, and is not typical, especially with new people.

There is no such thing as an expert. It is one thing to go to a class, or workshop, to learn how to flog, or crack a whip. It is another thing to be told by a total stranger on the internet how to do things. There is no one right way to practice BDSM, but there are very important safety issues to keep in mind. Always triple check the information people give you. Always keep your eyes open and remember that not everyone is what they claim to be. Always use your best judgement on safety and protect your partners.

We hope you enjoyed our post about experts. Don’t forget- experts are like unicorns! They don’t exist.

For more from winnie and Lars visit Married and Owned.

When you initially go online to meet new people, it is easy to get sucked into the belief that everyone wants to be nice, and is generally good. This is a mistake- here is why:

 

-Possibility of ID theft

-Possibility of catfishing

-Possibility of blackmail or otherwise personally harmful incidence

-Invasion of privacy or personal life

 

The BDSM community is already shrouded in secrecy and identity concealment, and a majority of the vanilla world will not accept or understand the dynamics we exist in. By going online, and creating accounts, you are taking a risk that the people you meet are trustworthy. And while a majority of the people we have met have been generally kind and fun, we have met our share of unstable, and dishonest individuals. This leads us to some ground rules for creating online profiles, and making friends online.

 

  1. When creating online profiles, NEVER use personally identifying information such as your real name, address or location, personal contact information (this means you need to make a separate email that is not your real name, or personal or work email)
  2. When making friends online, verify who they are by obtaining photographic or video evidence before sharing information that could damage your personal life in any way
  3. Do not share photos of your face, family, location, etc. without first knowing that you can either delete the content if you become uncomfortable, or verifying who you are sharing said information with
  4. Go with your gut- if something feels funny, it probably is. Do not continue to push yourself into murky waters if you do not feel confidently safe and secure

 

These are mere guidelines- overall you need to use common sense. And this is not to say that all interactions should be met with suspicion. Just remember to protect yourself. If you want more information on, or want to refresh yourself on, the community rules, click here.

 

When you make friends online, and you are trying to get to know them, there are many red flags you can look for when ascertaining their authenticity. A few are listed below:

 

  1. They will not send photos or video call, and are persistently asking you to do those, or ask you to share more information than they are willing to share
  2. They seem too good to be true- their experiences seem more like fiction, or their photos look more like models
  3. They have limited, repetitive experience and information about themselves
  4. They have really problematic lives to the extent that they seem to need help, advice, or money frequently
  5. They claim to have high profile jobs or hobbies, such as being a doctor, or international spy
  6. They use reverse psychology, gaslighting, or preemptive defense- “I am so nice, supportive, successful, helpful”- they use adjectives to describe themselves to make themselves more likeable, and do it frequently, when they really aren’t those things. They act hurt that you suspect they aren’t who they purport to be, deny wrongdoing, or call you crazy.
  7. Your conversations are so much about you, that they never share about themselves
  8. There are holes in their story that you don’t want to question for fear of upsetting them, or pushing them away
  9. They seem to be everywhere all the time
  10. They purport to be an expert without the ability to back up experiences with facts
  11. They insist on receiving sexual photos, rush into a sexual relationship, bully you into doing things you may not be comfortable with

 

What you can do if you suspect a catfish:

 

  1. Report them to site administrators
  2. Ask to video call
  3. Reverse image search their photos, google search the contact information you have for them
  4. Pull away and protect yourself
  5. Be careful- if they seem volatile, or have personal or damning information about you, it may not serve to make a scene. In these situations, it is best to contact the site administration
  6. Report the individuals to your local authorities, if it applies. In the United States, catfishing is illegal in many states, especially if the person is using photos of another person, even if they are not using their name. These crimes are punishable with jail time, fines, etc.
  7. Do your research! Read online about red flags in relationships, and ask for help when you need it.

 

Remember: NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE CATFISHES. Most aren’t. This post is merely to help you identify red flags, and advise you on steps to take in those instances. Have fun and be safe!

For more of our posts, visit us at Married and Owned

Sometimes you just get one of those overwhelming feelings that what you have done is right. That is it has all come together and it is what you wanted it to be. That happened yesterday for me when we held the chat for Emily. As soon as news spread, people began to log on and leave messages in the chat room. There was a strong feeling amongst the group of people that I am close to that we wanted to do something to help not just ourselves, but her other friends too. To have a place to share memories and offer support. I am so honoured that this could be one of those places and that this community could give something back to those who have put so much into it. 

 

Things have been hard for me over the past while and at times I have beat myself up about how badly I am doing everything and I have wondered if what we started here was worth continuing with. I am glad that I found my answer and that, once again, Emily was able to challenge my thinking in a way which made me realise that the path I was walking down was right where I should be. It gave me a shake and let me see that I should cast the self-doubts away and get going with things. Because at the end of the day, friendship matters and community matters, and that is what I have here. 

 

I know that the same thing doesn’t suit everyone. What we hoped to achieve was a community which was friendly, inclusive and accepting of all. Even with that, there will be those who find it a good fit and those who don’t and that is fine. As long as you can find a place that works for you, that is what is important because when you need it most, the fact that you belong somewhere will be what really counts. Often I think we are surprised by the impact that our offers of friendship and support can have on others. A friendly face, a listening ear, a warm and welcoming comment are all worth their weight in gold when someone is struggling with something. I do know that Emily would be quite overwhelmed to learn of the way she has impacted on so many people. 

 

I know that we aren’t all as magnetic and energetic as Emily was: she didn’t just bring this community together, she brought a number of different communities together and that is something quite remarkable. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what can be achieved. All too often these days, we can feel like we operate in isolation. Life just seems to be too busy, too full, too competitive. There is never enough time to take the time it seems. But here in the kink community I have actually found the opposite. I have found people who actively want to help each other with no gain to themselves other than passing on the same support they have received from others. It seems to work in a mutual way and somehow defies the laws of the real world the way it is at the moment.

 

Perhaps it is because we are a little isolated from the rest of the world. Perhaps it is because a lack of understanding has pushed us into the shadows together so it makes for a greater camaraderie and sense of community spirit – I don’t know. What I do know is that I see it over and over, not just here but in many of the groups and platforms that I am part of. I see it at events like Eroticon and I saw it again here over the past few days. We seem to care more about each other. We seem to be more supportive and less jealous. We seem to be more accepting and embracing and less threatened. So really I wanted to say thank you to a community who has let me belong. And to the people who over the last few days have made me see again that belonging is important. 

 

Being open with people pays off. Being honest with them means that you can build relationships that matter and are genuine. Showing your vulnerability doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human and means that people can identify with you and build connection with you. And from those connections come strength and the ability to accomplish so much more than if you were on your own. So wherever it is that you feel you fit, I hope that you can be yourself and that others will respond to that. We are reminded all too well that life can be short and we never know what it will show us next. For me, it is the people who matter. The relationships I have are what bring me the greatest reward and the biggest sense of self worth and so that is where I should put my time and energy. I am glad that, even under these terrible circumstance, I have been reminded about what really matters to me. 

Elust 105 Header Mrs Fever

Photo courtesy of Mrs Fever

Welcome to Elust 105

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #106 Start with the rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

I lost my sexuality for a year.

Stolen Penis

Bright English Mornings

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Flavour of Femme

She Teaches Sex Ed!

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Katy

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

Game On
Rites of Passage Training – Sensual Details.
More than Friend’s: Chloe’s video
Molly: The First
Your Canvas
Sometimes I talk too much
His Dirty Rhythm
In case you didn’t get fucked last night.
Gossamer
Cataclysm
The Girl in Fishnets

Erotic Non-Fiction

Let’s Play a Game
Abandoning the Sofa
Smacked around a bit
Fuck You [Redacted]

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Meet The Desperate Eye Of Censorship
The Catastrophe of Ageing

Body Talk and Sexual Health

What it’s like to model nude for art classes
Tip Your Artists

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Life… grief, depression and disability
Living with Chronic Lyme Disease
Welcome

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

The edge of glory
F/m Reader Q&A (audio with full transcript)
Teasing & Torment
Guest Post: Interview with Violet Fawkes

Events

A landmark event for MPB – Public Play

Poetry

-07.04.18_13:49-

 

 

Elust

 

Inside EroticonA few of my fellow bloggers have asked me to write about my experience at Eroticon, ‘a weekend of learning, socialising and fun for sex bloggers, erotica writers and erotic creatives’. I had never really considered myself to be in any of these categories so I was a little worried that I wouldn’t fit in but I was made welcome from the outset. I think a lot of other people there had shared the same self doubts at some point and this was alluded to in the keynote speech given by Girl on the Net. She empathised with my anxiety but encouraged, “your words can change the world.” After a swift and humorous account of the year, she arrived at the conclusion that, “We can’t all do everything but everyone can do something.”  In between she made me think, and I mean really think, about my place in this world and what I can do.

 

The Seminars

During the weekend we attended a number of different seminars and I have to say that I learnt something in each one and came away thinking a little bit differently. We chose a blend of talks which made us think about both the content of our blogs and site as well as the technical side of reaching your audience.  The talk on taboos by Remittance Girl, as well as Annabelle Knight’stalk on erotic writing made me think not just about writing fiction but also about the sorts of challenges that we face as writers of sex and erotica. They picked up on some of the points raised in the opening address and allowed me to feel that I was part of the collective whole.

 

I have always thought that although I can write, I don’t have good imaginative ideas, but listening to these people speak and the suggestions contributed by the audience was bringing my ideas to the fore. This continued during the workshop by Cressida Downing about whether there is a book in your blog. I am not sure the answer to that would be yes, but listening to the questions she asked and the advice she gave made me realise that there probably were ways that I could spin off from what I do here if that was something I wanted to try. It was also great to hear those listening to the talk offering suggestions and ideas and that really was something that was indicative of the whole ethos of the event.

 

Kayla Lords session really set things in a different direction as she talked about how to monetise your blog without selling your soul. This is something that I have never really thought about doing but she made me see that you can do it in a way which doesn’t have to change the content or even necessarily take money from your readers. It can be much more about how to find ways of making your blog work for you through things such as reviews and affiliates. I guess this tied in a little with discussion around the marketing of sex products in the talk given on the adult industry by Nina Saini, which again, had me thinking about things in a way that I never had before.

 

Having recently moved into posting some photographs on my site, the workshop given by Molly about editing was extremely helpful. Again it made me think about the content of what is on my blog but also about the technical side and I learnt about good tools for editing as well as some of the rules of photography that I hadn’t known about. The tips and hints on sizing of images and the cataloguing them were also things that I had known nothing of before so that was a huge help.  Please note, Molly, that my ‘Sinful Sunday’ pictures will no longer be, “the size of a planet.”

 

Michael Knight’s workshop on SEO and fetish.com’s talk on raising your visibility on google were so helpful to HisLordship and myself. Setting up The SafeworD/s Club has left us somewhat floundering in the world of site building, maintenance and repair. While we have the basic skills, neither of us is close enough to computer geekery required to run such a thing successfully, and we have not yet ‘come out’ to our 15 year old son who may actually be able to help. So blindly through the back door of the internet we have crept and are grateful at what was demystified for us over the weekend. In terms of content and technical wizardry we still have a long long way to come but Eroticon left us feeling a little bit wiser and a little bit more aware of the potential that was out there for us to improve.

 

The People

Wow. This part of the weekend was huge. Eroticon is a community and one which is inclusive and welcoming. Overall I was struck but the willingness to share with others without no personal gain other than feeling good talking about a shared interest and love. I suppose because most people are coming at it from the angle of writing being a hobby and a passion it allows for a different, more supportive and non-threatening feel. These people are not just friendly, they have actually become friends over the years and the buzz that creates is infectious. The energy, the enthusiasm and the positivity was palpable and that really helped to make the event for me.

 

It wasn’t just the organisers and participants who were part of this, the sponsors were also people who were passionate about their products and couldn’t wait to share that, and their expertise, with anyone who was interested enough to listen. I have been at other events before where it is a commercial thing but this was much more about sharing their belief in a product that they have a personal connection to. There was never a feeling that it was about money, although many of those attending were trying to make a living, or even just cover off some of their costs; it felt much more like a community celebrating in each other’s success, encouraging and sharing ideas and helping one another to move forward in a very collaborative way.

 

I suppose that really the whole event came full circle for me so that from the beginning where the seed was sown that we all had a part to play, to the end where I felt what that part might be for me on a personal level, there was the feeling that I would not be alone. I was part of a community looking to change things for the better, slowly but surely, piece by piece. This event was so good that I posted the day after about the sub-drop I felt following it. Since then I have so many ideas and projects whirring around my head that I feel as if I am back in the sub-frenzy phase.

 

Obviously a huge part for me was spending time with HisLordship as a couple, doing something that we are both interested in and love. Being away alone together was a real treat and to meet so many fascinating, talented and knowledgeable people was a huge bonus. Although the seminars we attended were amazing, I heard so many positive things of the ones which ran in tandem to them that I could have filled my time two or three times over, which probably answers the question, would you attend again? You bet I would. The weekend was not a budget one but it was one which was hugely valuable and I would happily spend that in order to take part again. Two early bird tickets for next year please!

 

Post originally posted on submissy

When we set up the site we wanted to host the topic chats, which are always well supported, but we also wanted to have a place for members to come and chat about other aspects of D/s with like-minded people. In order for the open chat to work on a new site we thought that having two designated days would mean that people would be less likely to miss each other as they would know when they could come on. As the site has grown, there have often been people here chatting informally at a number of other times which means that the Thursdays and Sundays are no longer necessarily any busier than at other times of the week.

 

We also had open chats initially which were sub and Dom only, but people seemed to want to chat together, so we have found that those rooms became used less and less. Recently some members have said that although the mixed chat is valuable, it would also be good to have some chat which is either geared more for Doms or more for subs. So we have decided to have set topics for discussion on a Thursday from 8pm. This will be pretty flexible and can run at any time really for those in another time zone but that is when HL and I will aim to be on. 

 

Topics for this week are as follows:

Doms discussion: Communication during a scene and its value.

subs discussion: Something I never thought that I would do.

 

We will post the discussion topics on the calendar but have also set up an area in the forums where people can add ideas and suggestions for the Dom discussions, the sub discussions and also the mixed topic chats. We are also keen to hear from anyone who is willing to host a chat on a particular topic. Please don’t feel that you need to be an ‘expert’ for this as we are all learning. The role of the host is much more to facilitate the discussion by asking the odd question and keeping things on track. 

 

The Thursday evening chats at Eastern Standard Time will run in their present format until the end of March when Emily will start her maternity leave; we are pleased to announce that slars and Lars have kindly come forward to step into the breach as is were, so that the topic chats can continue. In addition, Princess has also very kindly agreed to host the Little chat and party so thank you also to her.

 

We would also like to welcome the new members who have been able to join us since our sign-up glitch which lasted far too long, and of course to thank our other members for their continued support during our various IT trials and tribulations. Hopefully March will be a good month; the calendar is now full and we look forward to seeing you at one of the chats.

 

Best wishes,

HisLordship and missy

As 2017 draws to a close, we wanted to thank you all very much for your continued support with The SafeworD/s Club. It was always our intention that this should be a community which was defined by the members and you have all helped in establishing a place which is welcoming, inclusive and supportive. It has been brilliant to see such a diverse group who have been willing to give up their own time, experience and knowledge to become involved and share with others. 

We are pleased to announce the arrival of our brand new SWC Book Group. Please CLICK HERE to join the group and then we will keep you up-to-date via email about what is going on.

 

Details of book chats and discussion threads can be found on OUR FORUM where you can also get involved by joining the discussion threads, sharing your thoughts and making suggestions.

 

The first chat will be a WELCOME CHAT which will take place this Sunday, DECEMBER 3, from 9:00 pm – 10:00 pm GMT.  The chat this time will really be an introduction to what our brand new book group is going to involve. So please come along and join Miriam, slars, and cc in THE LIBRARY to say hello and find out how it is all going to work. 

 

For more information about the book group, please see the group admins, Miriam, littleloveslars and cc.