When we first joined online communities for BDSM lifestyles, we were excited. Excited to the point that we both had a bit of frenzy. So many people talked about so many things, and we wanted to try it all. We have made many friends over the years who have felt the same way. And frenzy is no joke- it can really get people emotionally and physically hurt. When you are new to the lifestyle, and testing the waters, it can be easy to confide in people who portray an “expert” role. But we have learned that the people who appear to have conquered BDSM and become experts are really the people you need to watch out for. You may come across highly confident individuals who claim to have tried everything. They may state their experience in decades, and manipulate their way into your lives. They will “mentor” you, claiming that there is only one way- their way- and state that anyone else living any other way is fake. These are dangerous waters.

It is SO important to keep in mind that when you go online, you can be anyone. Just because someone says they have been in the lifestyle for 20 years, it does not mean it is true. And we would say to take everything with a grain of salt, but we have seen too many people get injured, and have their relationships destroyed, because of the influence of an expert. You can’t trust anyone, not right off the bat. If you have been given advice by anyone, including those claiming to be experts, get a second, third, even fourth opinion.

Here are some examples of the “expert advice” we have observed over the years:

It is encouraged to add oils to melted wax during wax play.

This is a terrible idea. One, any person in the medical industry knows that oil and burns make burns worse. The context of this advice was explaining wax play to a newbie. The person sharing this advice claimed to have been given it by a wax expert. The general consensus on wax play is to use pure soy or paraffin wax. For a novice just testing things out, it is especially important to triple check your research and advice received! Advanced players might play with oils, but generally they use them on the body, not in the wax, as a means of easier removal of cooled, hardened wax.


You don’t need a safeword, and can rely on your partner to just know when you’re at your limit.

This is NOT okay. We have decided as a couple that our safewords are reserved only for the most extreme situations, but that is because we communicate with each other during scenes! Some subs say they can’t speak when they are in subspace. But they still have safewords, or at the very least hand signals. It is not the norm for kinksters to not have safewords, and is dangerous for new people to expect their partners to read their minds. The more experienced players might not use safewords, but that is an extreme dynamic, and is not typical, especially with new people.

There is no such thing as an expert. It is one thing to go to a class, or workshop, to learn how to flog, or crack a whip. It is another thing to be told by a total stranger on the internet how to do things. There is no one right way to practice BDSM, but there are very important safety issues to keep in mind. Always triple check the information people give you. Always keep your eyes open and remember that not everyone is what they claim to be. Always use your best judgement on safety and protect your partners.

We hope you enjoyed our post about experts. Don’t forget- experts are like unicorns! They don’t exist.

For more from winnie and Lars visit Married and Owned.

Going straight to the point, with no dilly-dally, the two things that I thought I knew better than anything was Me and Missy.  Now there are obviously millions of other things I thought I knew, however, they are trivial compared to us as a couple, and our ever developing lifestyle.

The headline thing I thought I knew (and didn’t) was the level kink we both shared when we first met.

For me, I have been drawn to all things sexually alternative for a long time albeit suppressed in my head.  The key to that locked door was missy without a shadow of doubt.  In terms of knowledge, I thought knew a lot about kink, and yet it was the tip of the iceberg.  I had heard of BDSM in my teenage years from an LP inner sleeve found in my  Adam and the Ants records.  It was all very, interesting and is documented in one of my older posts That’s When I Knew I Had A Kink.

It was only when we got together and accepted that we were kinky did the flood gates open. I thought I knew what women wanted in a man, I was wrong!  I thought I knew my own limits, wrong again. I thought I knew what I wanted from a relationship and how much I could love someone. Wrong, wrong and wrong again.

D/s has been a journey of discovery for me.  It has supported us when things have been difficult and has been known to make things difficult as well at times. I now understand that it is just a different form of relationship with benefits!  A bit like a game, it has it’s own rules, however, being a relationship between 2 or more people you can write your own rules to suit you.

So what about Missy and my misguided understanding of her I hear you cry?  Oh boy, that’s Pandorra’s box being opened.  She has initiated, embraced, grown, submitted, accepted and loved everything that we have experienced in D/s.  I thought I knew her limits and fell short in that area and continue to fall short. She surprises me regulary which can be exciting and a scary at times.  From someone who protected herself well against the thoughts in her head and managing body image issues, I knew so little.  For those who have read her posts and seen her pictures, this is a person who I thought I knew and yet knew so little of her potential.
“If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?” ― Thomas Henry Huxley

 

 

Sometimes life feels like a fairy tale. Everything is going your way, you are with the love of your life, nothing could be better.

And sometimes you have a wart covered frog in your face, belching at you while it chomps on flies.

Such is the way of life.

So what do you do with that stinking, stupid frog?

Kiss it. i dare you.

Sometimes our partners just piss us off. They grate on our nerves, get in the way, frustrate us. It’s an ugly truth.

When your prince turns into a frog, they probably need your help turning back into a prince. Kiss it. Kiss it better. Kiss it despite its warts and ugliness and lack of manners or regard for your likes, wants, and desires. Kiss it. Kiss the frog.

In our marriage, the reality is that sometimes we get on each others nerves. It isn’t perfect all the time. my ugly shows, and so does His. Its hard for me to see this- but when Daddy is being a frog, i need to swallow my pride and take a look in the mirror, cos chances are, i am being one too. As His submissive, and as His wife, i need to see past the flaws, and love Him through them. Because i know He sees past mine, and loves me anyway.

 

Story-lines and narratives can be a useful part of play, whether this is sexual or non-sexual. In it’s simplest form this may include playing games together where you use your imagination. For example when HL and I are out and about sometimes we make up details and stories about the people we meet, their lives and what they might think and feel. In some ways this can help us to explore things that we might not otherwise be able to and use our empathy to experience a different range of emotions than we usually would, even though this is only on an imaginary level. We can use this to test things out with each other and get ideas of what might, or might not, be a good fit.

 

The interesting thing with using narratives and story-lines is that although the situation or scenario you construct may be imaginary, the feelings that you experience as a result are real. I have a bad habit of imagining myself into a doom and gloom scenario sometimes. HL may be later back from somewhere than I expect and I can go catastrophising though the whole response where I finally get a knock at the door to say that something has happened. I can live it all to the point where I experience the feeling of shock, and the fear, and the nerves. The tears that fall will be real tears even though they are brought on by a journey down the road of an imagined situation.

 

Clearly this is not something enjoyable or pleasant but it does illustrate the power of the mind to allow us to experience something beyond our own reality. I am not one to get particularly involved with characters from TV and films, but books will get a reaction. A well constructed character in a plot I can relate to will leave me feeling what they feel, despite the fact that I know that they are simply words on a page and it has all been born from the author’s imagination. Thoughts are not truths, but the feelings which arise from those thoughts are real responses, even to imagined pain, pleasure, excitement, loss etc.

 

One way that this can be explored through sexual play is through the use of a role. Having a role will lend itself to becoming someone outside of your own experience, even if only for a short time. Within the safety of a secure relationship, it can leave you free to explore the feelings associated with things that you may not be able to do, or want to do, in real life. Usually this can work well if you tap into something that is already there as a part of you, which you can do by using a role which you can relate to. You are not that person and have the safety of knowing that, but as them you can think and feel and respond in a way which may not fit your usual personality.

 

Once you have adopted a character then you have the freedom to follow a narrative which would apply more to them than to you. This can be discussed beforehand or the details can be fed in as things progress. Some people may be able to improvise comfortably, where others may find it easier to have a story-line to stick to so that they can interact within that. To do this as part of play means that you can imagine details which may not actually be accurate. There can be an audience, or a confidante, or an accomplice. A scene in your own bedroom involving just the two of you can be transported to a different time, a different place and involve people who would not usually be there.

 

Many people use fantasy as a way of initiating and/or sustaining arousal which is not a surprise given that the brain is the most important sexual organ. Most fantasy will involve the use of a narrative or a story-line. While this will often be a private thing which is not spoken aloud, to share it between you and allow that to take you to new places together is just moving this on a step. A lot of BDSM play is about experiencing things in a different way. Focussing on the senses means that reality is often suspended for a time, and this leaves you free to choose what your reality will be. Using mindfucks might also be part of this.

 

Another way to incorporate this into play might be to use actual stories to take you somewhere new. Beth explains that “when we first started out if someone had suggested using a narrative to me I would have thought “role play.” I’d read about scenes like naughty student and strict teacher, Master and slave, spy and interrogator, etc. Those stories sounded fun but I’m no actress and role playing doesn’t appeal to me. But Mister Man can spin a good story and erotic stories help me get in the mood and away from my mundane thoughts. I lay in his arms and he whispers in my ear. He’s perverted a few fairytales into kinky stories. With a few tweaks Goldilocks And The Three bears can be used for a gangbang story, Little Red Riding Hood becomes force or coerced sex, Cinderella and the Prince sneak away for a garden tryst. We can explore things that we wouldn’t be comfortable doing in real life or with other people.”

 

You may choose to build the use of narrative and story-line into your play through the use of stories, through roleplay, through fantasy or use parts or all of them. What it will allow you to do is to explore experiences and feelings, reactions and responses which might not have been possible without it. There is no limit to where you can go and what you can do, other than the limits that your own imagination allows you to have. To quote George Bernard Shaw, “Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine, and at last, you create what you will.”  And so they all lived happily ever after. The End.

One of the most common themes discussed by subs regarding the challenges of a D/s relationship is consistency, or the lack of it in their Doms.  Now, from the point of having a balanced post, I should offer up the concept of a sub being inconsistent in their behaviour, and I am sure this is the case in some relationships. However, the direction of this post is from a Dom’s perspective and that is where we will stay, for consistency!

To have a consistent approach to any task, one would imagine that you firstly want to be engaged in that activity and that you really get something from it.  Now, like most things in life, the beginning is always the most exciting bit. It triggers chemicals in the brain that make it fire up, a honeymoon period of you like.  Of course that doesn’t mean you lose interest completely, you just look at it differently and then the world throws its problems at you and they try to stick and drag you down. 

The Japanese culture is a great example of maintaining consistency when managing a task.  If you are going to take on a task like basket weaving, martial arts, painting or even management, you do the very best you can when you are doing it. It’s a simple but consistent application to a task.  Now that is quite hard to maintain if you are not stacked that way, believe me, I know!  I have a short attention span and if I am engaged in something and get distracted, I can either lose interest in the task, or find the new thing more exciting.  My wife thinks there’s some ADD floating around in there somewhere.  

 Of course we are not all Japanese, and if we were, we may not be into weaving baskets or slapping the mat!  I would argue that consistency is precluded by motivation and on many levels that boils down to the age old question, ‘what’s in it for me?’  That is not being selfish or self-centred, this is about finding your motivation. Why do something that doesn’t make you happy?   If you are not happy being a Dom all the time, that does not mean you are not a Dom, or in fact a bad one.  Are you happy in every element of your day, every day?  I would argue that you are not, and outside of continual medication, nor are most people.  We continually make dynamic decisions at every turn of the clock to meet the needs of those around us and to keep us safe.  Life is challenging and to be man for all seasons 24/7 is not going to happen.  Have I said something wrong there?   Most Doms I have are ordinary people, living ordinary lives.  They put others first and themselves second, nearly always. And there’s rub. If you are second in your priorities, how can you stay self motivated, feel sexy and cast the day’s issues aside to manage your sub the way she needs it?

If you’re looking for an answer here in plain sight, look no further, because is ain’t here!  What you may find is the need to examine which part of your D/s relationship drives you.  A percentage of Doms really get off on non-sexual control, a much larger percentage get off on sexual control.  If sex was withdrawn from our D/s relationship would I be interested, probably not, and in all likelihood neither would missy. Now that is not to say it’s all about physical sex.  For missy, she needs to have her mind stimulated before her body will embrace the physical.  I’m confident that I could get an orgasm from her if I tried, however, this is more about her really buying into the event. 

I suppose having written this far down the page I have realised that motivation is a very personal, yet  a changeable concept.  Motivation and Consistency are good bed fellows when blended into the right mix for everyone in this type of dynamic, and yet sometimes that can be hard to find.  Having focus on opportunities can often be a good place to establish your Dominance. If you have rules set between you, then watching your sub to see if she needs support or on the flip side watching to see if she is not following the rules on purpose. Either way, you have a window of opportunity to engage.

Your sub is a complex person by default, all tied in a neat package that needs a lot care and attention to meet the demands of being submissive. The best thing is, unwrapping such a bundle of joy can be very motivating!

  

 

When you initially go online to meet new people, it is easy to get sucked into the belief that everyone wants to be nice, and is generally good. This is a mistake- here is why:

 

-Possibility of ID theft

-Possibility of catfishing

-Possibility of blackmail or otherwise personally harmful incidence

-Invasion of privacy or personal life

 

The BDSM community is already shrouded in secrecy and identity concealment, and a majority of the vanilla world will not accept or understand the dynamics we exist in. By going online, and creating accounts, you are taking a risk that the people you meet are trustworthy. And while a majority of the people we have met have been generally kind and fun, we have met our share of unstable, and dishonest individuals. This leads us to some ground rules for creating online profiles, and making friends online.

 

  1. When creating online profiles, NEVER use personally identifying information such as your real name, address or location, personal contact information (this means you need to make a separate email that is not your real name, or personal or work email)
  2. When making friends online, verify who they are by obtaining photographic or video evidence before sharing information that could damage your personal life in any way
  3. Do not share photos of your face, family, location, etc. without first knowing that you can either delete the content if you become uncomfortable, or verifying who you are sharing said information with
  4. Go with your gut- if something feels funny, it probably is. Do not continue to push yourself into murky waters if you do not feel confidently safe and secure

 

These are mere guidelines- overall you need to use common sense. And this is not to say that all interactions should be met with suspicion. Just remember to protect yourself. If you want more information on, or want to refresh yourself on, the community rules, click here.

 

When you make friends online, and you are trying to get to know them, there are many red flags you can look for when ascertaining their authenticity. A few are listed below:

 

  1. They will not send photos or video call, and are persistently asking you to do those, or ask you to share more information than they are willing to share
  2. They seem too good to be true- their experiences seem more like fiction, or their photos look more like models
  3. They have limited, repetitive experience and information about themselves
  4. They have really problematic lives to the extent that they seem to need help, advice, or money frequently
  5. They claim to have high profile jobs or hobbies, such as being a doctor, or international spy
  6. They use reverse psychology, gaslighting, or preemptive defense- “I am so nice, supportive, successful, helpful”- they use adjectives to describe themselves to make themselves more likeable, and do it frequently, when they really aren’t those things. They act hurt that you suspect they aren’t who they purport to be, deny wrongdoing, or call you crazy.
  7. Your conversations are so much about you, that they never share about themselves
  8. There are holes in their story that you don’t want to question for fear of upsetting them, or pushing them away
  9. They seem to be everywhere all the time
  10. They purport to be an expert without the ability to back up experiences with facts
  11. They insist on receiving sexual photos, rush into a sexual relationship, bully you into doing things you may not be comfortable with

 

What you can do if you suspect a catfish:

 

  1. Report them to site administrators
  2. Ask to video call
  3. Reverse image search their photos, google search the contact information you have for them
  4. Pull away and protect yourself
  5. Be careful- if they seem volatile, or have personal or damning information about you, it may not serve to make a scene. In these situations, it is best to contact the site administration
  6. Report the individuals to your local authorities, if it applies. In the United States, catfishing is illegal in many states, especially if the person is using photos of another person, even if they are not using their name. These crimes are punishable with jail time, fines, etc.
  7. Do your research! Read online about red flags in relationships, and ask for help when you need it.

 

Remember: NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE CATFISHES. Most aren’t. This post is merely to help you identify red flags, and advise you on steps to take in those instances. Have fun and be safe!

For more of our posts, visit us at Married and Owned

Missy and I first came across this great product (not literally, but later) when attending Eroticon in 2018. The guys had rigged up a fantastic scaffold framed bed for playing and on it was a range of waterproof sheets. However, as we soon learnt, not any old waterproof sheet! They came in different colours and patterns and the demonstration was very impressive.
Our first reaction was to touch the sheets due to the appearance of softness about them. We were not disappointed because they felt fantastic! These are about as removed from rubber sheets as you could get. The feel was smooth and we were told they were breathable also to avoid hot bodies sticking to them. They gave off a clean smell and not that chemical one you get from anything commercially waterproof. They would make a sexy rain mac though!

One issue we all know when playing with liquids be it lube, wax, food or good old bodily fluids is that your mattress will take the brunt of it if not protected. If like us you have invested in a good night’s sleep, the last thing you want is to destroy the memory foam with spilt silicone lube. Likewise, when your mattress has died from hundreds of hours activities you don’t want to have to wrap it in black bin liners to hide from the neighbours when taking to the dump! The SOSF eliminates all of this first world worry.

The sheets come in various sizes and colours and can either be a flat sheet or fitted. Their range is continually growing so it’s worth checking out their web site. I can say that there isn’t anything I don’t like about them. They do the job so well and when you are finished just throw them in the washing machine. We have done this a few times now and they look as good as new. The sheets are not cheap, but then again neither is your mattress! They are worth every penny, not just because they protect what’s below; they look sexy, feel sexy and allow you to play with complete disregard for mess. You can just get on with fun!

You don’t have to be a squirter or spolsher to get the benefit from the SOSF range. They are made with everyone in mind who wants to do away with an old souvenir beach towel from Malaga on the bed or rolling around in front of the fire on a carpet that burns your knees. They are light weight but VERY strong and can take a lot of punishment to which we can contest!

The flat throw sheet, which we didn’t buy, would be great for taking away for a weekend to your parents or a friend’s house where some respect is required for their linen!  For us we went for the Black, King Size fitted sheet because I wanted something that didn’t move during play. The great thing is that your own body weight creates a natural dip and pools the fluid to the centre of the bed and not the spilling on the floor. If too much is created you can use the Malaga towel to mop it up!
I have recommended this product to a lot of people who have gone on to make an investment. It would make a great gift to the right couple!
So The Sheet Of San Francisco can now be found at a number of larger adult toys stores on-line or from their website http://sheetsofsanfrancisco.co.uk/
If you want to add something sexy to your bedroom that is both practical and versatile, the guys at SOF have it sewn up. Purchasing something from their range is money well spent in our opinion and to date I have not heard one bad thing said about them.  So splash out some cash for some splashing of your own making!

The following post has been co-written, because we feel that a Dominant and submissive perspective to rules is important. Please let us know if you have any questions! As a side note- we are not experts, and there is no one right way to create a rules list. We aim only to inform those interested in how we do things.

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Lars’ Perspective

Rules can be a very useful tool for achieving goals and maintaining a certain standard, but can also be detrimental when not implemented properly. I see rules in 2 different categories- rules to maintain and rules that lead you where you’re going. “Maintenance” rules are things like respect, honesty and self care. These should be the foundation of any relationship as they help keep it healthy. Once you establish those baseline rules, you can create goal oriented rules for “where you want to go”. Those rules could relate to working out for weight loss, or even wearing a butt plug to train for anal sex. Depending on where you are and where you want to go, rules can be developed to help meet those goals or needs. Rules can change during the span of your relationship, and I recommend regularly reviewing your rules, adding and editing as needed.

Once you have determined what your rules list looks like, make sure that it isn’t too long. As my good friend Mr. Swanson once told me, “It is better to full-ass one thing, than to half-ass two things.” When you feel your sub has begun to manage well with the initial list, you can add more rules in as needed, and remove the ones that no longer serve you.

When it comes to enforcing your rules list, it is really important that you remain consistent. I believe rules lists should be accompanied by rewards and punishments lists. What is the point of rules if there is no accountability? If your sub is anything like mine then structure and consistency are some of the most important factors to having a functional and happy D/s dynamic.

When choosing rules it is important to be realistic and not go balls to the wall at the beginning. You can start small and work up to the higher protocol stuff as you and your sub grow together. It is very important that you are able to track successes- you can use sticker charts, apps, chores lists, etc.. Just make sure that you are holding yourself and your sub responsible for following rules and meeting goals.

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts on rules. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave a note in the contact me section, or in the comments.

 

 

slars’ Perspective

Creation

Creating a rules list can be a daunting task! When you are first getting started in a power exchange dynamic, i think it’s especially challenging. When Daddy and i first started our dynamic, it was solely with DD/lg. We joined an online community and quickly learned that a lot of the people there were single, and therefore didn’t have rules. We did a lot of research online, looking for examples we thought we could base our rules on, but even that proved to be a challenge. And then we met some couples who did have rules, but didn’t want to discuss them with us! It felt like a whole bunch of dead ends. We pieced together a rules list on our own, and had to work at tweaking them regularly to find our groove. Before i continue- if you are reading this and feeling like you have hit dead ends when making your rules list, reach out to us on the contact page. We would love to help! Don’t get discouraged! Anyway, we created our list. Do you want to know something crazy? Our first list of rules had over 70 rules!!!! 😰 You may see online that some Tops make their bottoms memorize their rules. Nope- how on Earth could i memorize 70?! Moral of the story- start simple. Decide what the top priorities are. Here is an example of 5:

-Do not disrespect Daddy- this includes back talk, profanity, and eye rolling

-Take care of your body- shave regularly, eat 3 healthy meals per day, exercise 3 days per week

-Accomplish all chores before playing

-Bed time is 10:30 pm, wake up at 8:30 am

-No spending money without first asking

These are non sexual rules that set boundaries for every day life. Starting with rules like those help build structure, and also make consistency for enforcement a lot easier in the beginning. You might also introduce a chore chart, to help make rewarding your bottom easier. Tracking successes is important! So once you have determined the every day rules, you can add in rules relating to personal goals. They could be education related, for weight loss, learning something new, saving for something… Whatever your goals are. i really like having goal oriented rules because they help keep me accountable. But achieving goals also really boosts my self confidence, and makes Daddy proud. i love the feeling of accomplishment! After choosing your goal oriented rules, if you are sexual, add in some rules for that too. Some examples could be:

-No masturbation of any kind

-Do not orgasm without permission

If your rules list starts looking hefty, slow down. Make a list of ideas you can implement later. Daddy and i meet every Sunday as a sort of reset, and part of that is discussing rules. Sometimes we remove one, sometimes we add one. Your rules list can change over time. It probably won’t stay as what it started as. And that is actually a good thing! Be flexible, communicate, and write things down! Okay next….

Implementation

How do you implement this lovely list that you created? Well, you will want to create a list of rewards. What does your bottom want to be rewarded with? An allowance, gifts, outings, orgasms? In a Master/slave dynamic, rewards may not be a thing. Do you want to reward your bottom? my personal vote is that in the beginning, rewards are important. You’re creating new habits, and psychologically rewards help motivate. What will your bottom need to accomplish to earn each reward? Set the goals. 1 month of 100% chores being done means a trip to the zoo, perhaps. And once you have decided your rewards, move on to a list of punishments. The list of punishments is likely to change. If you have never explored spanking, that is a good place to start. Daddy has cold showers on my list, because i absolutely hate the cold. But spankings, He has to be careful with, because i am a masochist. So when He spanks me, He uses phrases like, “you broke the rules, and I am punishing you, I am disappointed.” His disappointment in me is the real punishment, but His words are what makes the spanking unpleasant. So you’ve chosen your rewards and punishments. You have your list of maybe 15 rules. You are ready to implement them….

Enforcement

And now your bottom has broken a rule. What ever are you to do? Consistency is key!!! Let me repeat: Consistency!!! That is why having a shorter list of rules in the beginning is important. It is easier for a bottom to remember and easier for a Top to enforce consistently. Use your punishments list, and as you feel comfortable, pull some ideas out of your back pocket if you want. Just keep in mind the levels of consent that you have with your partner. And don’t forget the power of rewarding your partner, even if its just telling them they did a good job! There is no one right way to make a rules list. If it works for you, it is right! And remember, if you have questions or need a little advice, feel free to comment or contact us! Good luck!

 

This post was originally featured on Married and Owned.

To quote Bananarama, “It aint what you do it’s the way that you do it, and that’s what gets results.” This is something that I think is important when you are thinking about your relationship, particularly if you are introducing D/s to an existing relationship or thinking about establishing or reviewing the rules and rituals which will help to reinforce it. I recently read Kisungura’s post, Knowing your why and it made me think that so often with D/s, it is not so much what we do but how and why we do it. I realise that at the start D/s can seem that it is something new and different but actually, you really need something that will fit into your life and be sustainable. Unless the life and relationship you have currently is one which requires a complete overhaul, it is likely that you will just be redecorating and remodelling what you have, rather than casting it all aside to start again. So what you do may be similar to the sorts of things that you have done before, but the way that you do it and the meaning and reasoning behind it will often be what has changed.

 

Frequently during discussion, we see that while one couple does it one way, another does it the opposite way. Initially this may seem contradictory but in actual fact, it is because the meaning and the perception of that act to those particular individuals is what counts. I remember a very heated topic chat about service where this became apparent. There were differing views as to what was and wasn’t service, based on what worked and carried meaning for that couple. There really is not a right and a wrong here, expect for the obvious if it works it is right and if it doesn’t it is wrong. This is a rule that HL and I have tried to follow since we learnt the hard way that there was no one true way and that our way was the one for us (although we certainly would not suggest it would be the one for all of you).

 

The rules and rituals which we have serve to reinforce our own power exchange. The things we do are essentially based around respect, self-care, and nurture and over time we have found that the ones that have stuck are the ones which are important to us. Initially we made the mistake of trying to incorporate things which we had read others did, or things which other more experienced people told us we should be doing. This failed, quite spectacularly in some instances. It was hard for me to remember to do things which held no value to us and it was hard for HL to reinforce them for the same reason. Obviously what each couple does will depend on them but, for anyone who is interested, there is more detail about the sorts of things that work for us here and here

 

Some of what we do will help to reinforce the feeling of submission for me and Dominance for him so essentially it is there to support the power exchange. Some will be about me thinking about him and making him the focus and my motivation for what I do. We try to meet the needs of the other and that is easier when you are fully connected on an emotional and on a physical level, so it will be about talking and listening as well as showing the other person that you are thinking abiout them and demonstrating how much they mean through your actions. Through constant effective communication, the level of trust will grow and the level of intimacy that is created as a result will strengthen what passes between you. 

 

I think that whether you are starting out, or part way through your journey it is always good to stop and ask yourselves why you are doing the things that you are. What do they add for you? How do they contribute to your growth as an individual and strengthen you as a couple? Whether you wait for a door to be opened for you because that is part of the respect and care that your Dom wants to show you or whether you hold the door open for him because that is part of how you show your respect and service to him, really is immaterial. Whether you  initiate things sexually because he wants to know that you love and desire him, or wait for him to initiate them because he sees your body as his, will not matter as long as the way that you approach things is adding value to your dynamic. 

 

All so often, when making sense of the world, we tend to focus on the actions that we see without always being aware of the thought and reasoning behind it. Within a relationship, this sort of approach doesn’t really work that well as it can lead to things which lead you to feel like you have failed or have not got it right. It is not what you do but how and why you do it that is important and those are often the things which are not discussed because they are particular to the individual and to the couple. If you can come up with things that fit with your lifestyle and which are significant and hold value to you, then the chances are that they will be easier to implement, to reinforce and to sustain. 

When i think about vanilla life, just having general relationships outside of kink, i think about how important it is to laugh. i mean, if it isn’t fun, or at least minimally enjoyable, why engage? This leads me to the topic of nonsexual play. i am going to write about it specifically for romantic relationships, but this could really apply to any friendship.

When Daddy and i met, we were 800 miles apart. We didn’t have the luxury of dating, we had time differences, and between the two of us, we had 5 jobs. i also had a 2 year old. Those things made for a rough start. i was newly out of a seriously bad relationship, and wasn’t really looking for love in any form. So when Daddy and i connected, it was more about laughing and relaxing than it was anything else. Talking to Him felt good. We started out playing the games 14 year old girls play at slumber parties- 20 questions and truth or dare. We spent so much time asking questions, that eventually we ran out, and had to find other resources to give us more ideas. We spent hours talking, falling asleep on the phone. And this was back when people had minutes. His phone bills were a bit much, but we just couldn’t help ourselves. We talked and talked and played our games, and suddenly He was at my door with His entire life packed in boxes, and He moved in.

Somewhere in that journey things became sexual. But we had based our relationship on more than that, and so it wasn’t the main priority. We made some friends that were couples and began hosting game nights. We played games just He and i. We changed and evolved, but kept having fun. It doesn’t always have to be tits and cocks and lubes and cuffs. Some nights we are on the Xbox cursing into our microphones. Some nights we are playing cards, sipping scotch and smoking cigars (a little who smokes cigars, how scandalous!). Some nights we lay in bed, and He watches me color, or play with my toys. One time we even tried to make our own wedding cake, which was a disaster. But all of it has been fun. And the laughter has been the best part.

Playing is more important in my relationships than almost anything else. i crave laughter, feel fulfilled when Daddy thinks i am clever or funny, i like being lively and silly and playful. i love when Daddy breaks out his face splitting grin at me. It really has nothing to do with age play or D/s. It’s more about remembering to not become complacent, to change things up, to keep surprising each other.

Examples of non sexual play:

  • Board games
  • Card games
  • Video games
  • Trivia
  • Tickle fights
  • Pillow fights
  • Crafts
  • Playing with toys
  • Massage
  • Taking a shower or bath together
  • Cooking together
  • Telling jokes
  • Reading together
  • Puzzles
  • Movie night

Have you had enough non sexual play in your life lately? What do you do to play in non sexual ways? Comment below!!