Story-lines and narratives can be a useful part of play, whether this is sexual or non-sexual. In it’s simplest form this may include playing games together where you use your imagination. For example when HL and I are out and about sometimes we make up details and stories about the people we meet, their lives and what they might think and feel. In some ways this can help us to explore things that we might not otherwise be able to and use our empathy to experience a different range of emotions than we usually would, even though this is only on an imaginary level. We can use this to test things out with each other and get ideas of what might, or might not, be a good fit.

 

The interesting thing with using narratives and story-lines is that although the situation or scenario you construct may be imaginary, the feelings that you experience as a result are real. I have a bad habit of imagining myself into a doom and gloom scenario sometimes. HL may be later back from somewhere than I expect and I can go catastrophising though the whole response where I finally get a knock at the door to say that something has happened. I can live it all to the point where I experience the feeling of shock, and the fear, and the nerves. The tears that fall will be real tears even though they are brought on by a journey down the road of an imagined situation.

 

Clearly this is not something enjoyable or pleasant but it does illustrate the power of the mind to allow us to experience something beyond our own reality. I am not one to get particularly involved with characters from TV and films, but books will get a reaction. A well constructed character in a plot I can relate to will leave me feeling what they feel, despite the fact that I know that they are simply words on a page and it has all been born from the author’s imagination. Thoughts are not truths, but the feelings which arise from those thoughts are real responses, even to imagined pain, pleasure, excitement, loss etc.

 

One way that this can be explored through sexual play is through the use of a role. Having a role will lend itself to becoming someone outside of your own experience, even if only for a short time. Within the safety of a secure relationship, it can leave you free to explore the feelings associated with things that you may not be able to do, or want to do, in real life. Usually this can work well if you tap into something that is already there as a part of you, which you can do by using a role which you can relate to. You are not that person and have the safety of knowing that, but as them you can think and feel and respond in a way which may not fit your usual personality.

 

Once you have adopted a character then you have the freedom to follow a narrative which would apply more to them than to you. This can be discussed beforehand or the details can be fed in as things progress. Some people may be able to improvise comfortably, where others may find it easier to have a story-line to stick to so that they can interact within that. To do this as part of play means that you can imagine details which may not actually be accurate. There can be an audience, or a confidante, or an accomplice. A scene in your own bedroom involving just the two of you can be transported to a different time, a different place and involve people who would not usually be there.

 

Many people use fantasy as a way of initiating and/or sustaining arousal which is not a surprise given that the brain is the most important sexual organ. Most fantasy will involve the use of a narrative or a story-line. While this will often be a private thing which is not spoken aloud, to share it between you and allow that to take you to new places together is just moving this on a step. A lot of BDSM play is about experiencing things in a different way. Focussing on the senses means that reality is often suspended for a time, and this leaves you free to choose what your reality will be. Using mindfucks might also be part of this.

 

Another way to incorporate this into play might be to use actual stories to take you somewhere new. Beth explains that “when we first started out if someone had suggested using a narrative to me I would have thought “role play.” I’d read about scenes like naughty student and strict teacher, Master and slave, spy and interrogator, etc. Those stories sounded fun but I’m no actress and role playing doesn’t appeal to me. But Mister Man can spin a good story and erotic stories help me get in the mood and away from my mundane thoughts. I lay in his arms and he whispers in my ear. He’s perverted a few fairytales into kinky stories. With a few tweaks Goldilocks And The Three bears can be used for a gangbang story, Little Red Riding Hood becomes force or coerced sex, Cinderella and the Prince sneak away for a garden tryst. We can explore things that we wouldn’t be comfortable doing in real life or with other people.”

 

You may choose to build the use of narrative and story-line into your play through the use of stories, through roleplay, through fantasy or use parts or all of them. What it will allow you to do is to explore experiences and feelings, reactions and responses which might not have been possible without it. There is no limit to where you can go and what you can do, other than the limits that your own imagination allows you to have. To quote George Bernard Shaw, “Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine, and at last, you create what you will.”  And so they all lived happily ever after. The End.

To quote Bananarama, “It aint what you do it’s the way that you do it, and that’s what gets results.” This is something that I think is important when you are thinking about your relationship, particularly if you are introducing D/s to an existing relationship or thinking about establishing or reviewing the rules and rituals which will help to reinforce it. I recently read Kisungura’s post, Knowing your why and it made me think that so often with D/s, it is not so much what we do but how and why we do it. I realise that at the start D/s can seem that it is something new and different but actually, you really need something that will fit into your life and be sustainable. Unless the life and relationship you have currently is one which requires a complete overhaul, it is likely that you will just be redecorating and remodelling what you have, rather than casting it all aside to start again. So what you do may be similar to the sorts of things that you have done before, but the way that you do it and the meaning and reasoning behind it will often be what has changed.

 

Frequently during discussion, we see that while one couple does it one way, another does it the opposite way. Initially this may seem contradictory but in actual fact, it is because the meaning and the perception of that act to those particular individuals is what counts. I remember a very heated topic chat about service where this became apparent. There were differing views as to what was and wasn’t service, based on what worked and carried meaning for that couple. There really is not a right and a wrong here, expect for the obvious if it works it is right and if it doesn’t it is wrong. This is a rule that HL and I have tried to follow since we learnt the hard way that there was no one true way and that our way was the one for us (although we certainly would not suggest it would be the one for all of you).

 

The rules and rituals which we have serve to reinforce our own power exchange. The things we do are essentially based around respect, self-care, and nurture and over time we have found that the ones that have stuck are the ones which are important to us. Initially we made the mistake of trying to incorporate things which we had read others did, or things which other more experienced people told us we should be doing. This failed, quite spectacularly in some instances. It was hard for me to remember to do things which held no value to us and it was hard for HL to reinforce them for the same reason. Obviously what each couple does will depend on them but, for anyone who is interested, there is more detail about the sorts of things that work for us here and here

 

Some of what we do will help to reinforce the feeling of submission for me and Dominance for him so essentially it is there to support the power exchange. Some will be about me thinking about him and making him the focus and my motivation for what I do. We try to meet the needs of the other and that is easier when you are fully connected on an emotional and on a physical level, so it will be about talking and listening as well as showing the other person that you are thinking abiout them and demonstrating how much they mean through your actions. Through constant effective communication, the level of trust will grow and the level of intimacy that is created as a result will strengthen what passes between you. 

 

I think that whether you are starting out, or part way through your journey it is always good to stop and ask yourselves why you are doing the things that you are. What do they add for you? How do they contribute to your growth as an individual and strengthen you as a couple? Whether you wait for a door to be opened for you because that is part of the respect and care that your Dom wants to show you or whether you hold the door open for him because that is part of how you show your respect and service to him, really is immaterial. Whether you  initiate things sexually because he wants to know that you love and desire him, or wait for him to initiate them because he sees your body as his, will not matter as long as the way that you approach things is adding value to your dynamic. 

 

All so often, when making sense of the world, we tend to focus on the actions that we see without always being aware of the thought and reasoning behind it. Within a relationship, this sort of approach doesn’t really work that well as it can lead to things which lead you to feel like you have failed or have not got it right. It is not what you do but how and why you do it that is important and those are often the things which are not discussed because they are particular to the individual and to the couple. If you can come up with things that fit with your lifestyle and which are significant and hold value to you, then the chances are that they will be easier to implement, to reinforce and to sustain. 

We thought it might be useful to have a post about scenes and play which covered both our perspectives. Clearly the roles for Dom and sub are quite different with regards to the input you have at each stage of the process, but we have both found that there are things that we can do which will help it to be the sort of experience we want it to be. 

Setting the Scene

HisLordship

When you are first starting out planning is key. It may seem a bit forced, and not as sexy as the Dom found in fiction, however, you have to assume that they have planned their scene as carefully as you will be preparing yours!  Looking at it in simple terms, imagine a road trip that needs planning. Decide where you both want to go first, that involves a discussion, and probably one of many if this is new to you both. If you don’t know the exact place on the map, agree at least on the general region. Will this scene involve an orgasm for you, or me or both of us? Many scenes (or just play over a shorter period) do not have to end in an orgasm. Just be clear what each of your needs are and you will be fine. Now that we know how it will end, as orgasms tend to slow things down, let’s look at the prep work for the Dom. 
Location, location, location is important. Comfort for both of you, address any sound issues that may be made which could scar your kids or neighbours. Most people at home use the bedroom, and why not? The bed makes a nice play space and all your tools are close by.  If you are going to use those tools be specific on their use and avoid getting them all out just because you haven’t played in weeks. Pick the ones you want to focus on and have them near by. Get your lube warmed up as well as any other metal or glass tools that maybe used. Consider music as it is great for providing atmosphere and to drown out heavy breathing. 
Now you have your outcome and tools, you can think about how long you will play for and how you can bring it together.  Don’t try to pack a lot into an hour, do what is achievable with time to spare. The same applies with even two or three hours, give yourself some wiggle room to enjoy the experience. Finally, walk through the scene in your head. How will you relax her and draw her into the world you have created? Better to hit an obstacle in your head rather than when she is tied to the bed waiting for your next move!  If you get a bit stuck, discuss it with your sub. She is the one who allowing you to dominate her and therefore plays a valid part. Please do not get hung up on the fairy-tale Dom who can’t make a mistake and has women fainting under his control. This person usually has a dragon and lives in Toy Town; in other words they are fiction and you should not measure yourself against them.

Missy

Being a submissive, prior to the scene I don’t usually have anything to prepare or plan as such. I get the easy job – turn up and enjoy. There are certain things that HL will expect me to have done, however. He has requirements of personal grooming so I will make sure that I am clean and fresh and neat and tidy. My nails will be done and I will try to make sure that my skin feels soft and my body is ready for him. Sometimes there will be specific requirements for me to wear something particular or to do something differently for him. The biggest thing I have to do really is to make sure that my head is in the right place. Of course this won’t always work as planned and so if there is something that I think will affect my ability to give him my full attention, I will communicate this beforehand. I used to have loads of questions – oh the questions! – but that has eased a bit and usually now I can run with whatever direction he wants to take us in.

 

Lights up

HisLordship

They say a journey starts with the first step, so in this case make it a strong one. Exerting my authority in a calm and caring manner by verbalising my needs to reinforce what you agreed on will take control away from missy, and this is very important. She will submit to me, and wants to, as this is our agreement.  Telling her to wait for me to arrive is always a good start. She must be in an exposed position to take her mind away from day to day events. She needs to be focussed on me. This can be quite hard sometimes as both of us were probably being active parents not 20 minutes earlier. Either way, I have a sub who wants to be dominated and I need to turn on the Dom in me and let her feel safe and excited.  Do not rush, be calm and if you find it hard, try to pretend she doesn’t know you, or the other way around as it can sometimes help move away from your traditional family roles. Show her your tools, tell her what each one will do or tell her what you hope to acheive with them. Don’t give any opportunity for doubt in her mind. 

Missy

Once the scene has begun there is really very little for me to do. Once my preparation is done, I will usually be told to wait in a certain position or in a certain place. Although we have not begun to play at this point, I would consider it to be part of the scene. This is the time for me to clear my mind and get my head where he wants it to be. This can be tricky at times and it is often a case of swiping left and right in my own mind in order to try to overcome the thoughts that ask to be considered. The position and situation I am waiting in can ease this process greatly. Some of his requests will make me feel so submissive that my mind is already being led by my body into wherever it is he is going to take me. For example, if I am asked to wait naked on my hands and knees, arse in the air with my legs spread, I will feel the air on my skin and burn with the humiliation. The same will happen if we start with an inspection or something of that nature. Basically something that makes me feel vulnerable will make for the ideal start.  

 

Centre Stage

HisLordship

You could start with spanking, caning, flogging or even just touching. Whichever you chose, think of it as adding a thin layer of sexual weight that will pull her deeper down each time you add to it. Add too much too quick and she will slip though your fingers and out of your grasp. One area which can be a challenge is verbal communication during play. Some say they feel awkward, as though it is not their usual voice or choice of words. My response to that would be that no one is telling you what to say or how to say it. Have your own voice by expressing what you see or how you feel. Your sub is likely to be in a position where she cannot see the thing you do!

Missy

When things are in full swing, I am not really thinking about anything. By then I am feeling the impact of whatever he is doing and I am becoming his, slipping further and further down the rabbit hole with him. That is a delicious feeling and one which is quite addictive. I do need to be aware of my own triggers and limits and communicate those with him if necessary, but he is very good at reading me, so this is not something that I would have to do a lot. I do find that to verbalize my thoughts at this time is quite distracting and can pull me out of my submissive space which is counter-productive, but hearing his voice talking to me and asserting his control over me keeps me firmly there. I know that once I let go, I tend to make more noise but this is not a conscious thing and is something that I would rather not acknowledge, although for him to do so will add to the humiliation and actually push things forward for me.   

 

Curtain Fall

HisLordship

Some scenes or play can be quite short and therefore require little recovery. Equally we have been known to play for hours and this takes a toll physically and emotionally. Most, if not all our scenes are sexual and if my sexual needs have not been met during the centre part of the scene, they will be at the end. This produces two positives based on heightened arousal and need. I am aroused having watched and played with missy’s body over a prolonged period of time, and she is very needy to be fucked. It can’t be put simpler than that. The two combined meet a greater need and that is to be joined together with the intensity you lay exhausted from. Aftercare is important for both of us to recover and to spend time just reassuring each other that the red welts across her bum are okay to be there!  At some point later on we will discuss how things went from start to finish. There is always room for improvement, and that’s what makes next time something to look forward to!
Try to take and give feedback constructively. This may be difficult as there are a lot of emotions involved and a simple observation could hit nerve. If something hasn’t gone as well as expected, talk about it and create a new way of doing it. D/s is, after all, a journey! 

Missy

Once the scene is over, I tend to crash a bit. This is when HL will provide aftercare. I have a huge need to be as physically close to him as I can, often pressing myself into him as much as possible. If I could literally climb inside him I would. Although this is a quiet time, it is a huge part of the process as we are sharing the same emotional space. Following this, at some point, we will talk about what happened and how it went etc. We have sometimes called this roses and thorns as we try to look at what worked as well as what didn’t work quite so well. This is not meant in a critical sense but rather as part of the learning process. This is important for me too as I learn a lot about myself from my own reactions and responses to things and this will help to inform what we choose to do next. It is also time to listen to HL and to look for the responses he likes, the things that he enjoys and the way that various things have made him feel.

Sometimes you just get one of those overwhelming feelings that what you have done is right. That is it has all come together and it is what you wanted it to be. That happened yesterday for me when we held the chat for Emily. As soon as news spread, people began to log on and leave messages in the chat room. There was a strong feeling amongst the group of people that I am close to that we wanted to do something to help not just ourselves, but her other friends too. To have a place to share memories and offer support. I am so honoured that this could be one of those places and that this community could give something back to those who have put so much into it. 

 

Things have been hard for me over the past while and at times I have beat myself up about how badly I am doing everything and I have wondered if what we started here was worth continuing with. I am glad that I found my answer and that, once again, Emily was able to challenge my thinking in a way which made me realise that the path I was walking down was right where I should be. It gave me a shake and let me see that I should cast the self-doubts away and get going with things. Because at the end of the day, friendship matters and community matters, and that is what I have here. 

 

I know that the same thing doesn’t suit everyone. What we hoped to achieve was a community which was friendly, inclusive and accepting of all. Even with that, there will be those who find it a good fit and those who don’t and that is fine. As long as you can find a place that works for you, that is what is important because when you need it most, the fact that you belong somewhere will be what really counts. Often I think we are surprised by the impact that our offers of friendship and support can have on others. A friendly face, a listening ear, a warm and welcoming comment are all worth their weight in gold when someone is struggling with something. I do know that Emily would be quite overwhelmed to learn of the way she has impacted on so many people. 

 

I know that we aren’t all as magnetic and energetic as Emily was: she didn’t just bring this community together, she brought a number of different communities together and that is something quite remarkable. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what can be achieved. All too often these days, we can feel like we operate in isolation. Life just seems to be too busy, too full, too competitive. There is never enough time to take the time it seems. But here in the kink community I have actually found the opposite. I have found people who actively want to help each other with no gain to themselves other than passing on the same support they have received from others. It seems to work in a mutual way and somehow defies the laws of the real world the way it is at the moment.

 

Perhaps it is because we are a little isolated from the rest of the world. Perhaps it is because a lack of understanding has pushed us into the shadows together so it makes for a greater camaraderie and sense of community spirit – I don’t know. What I do know is that I see it over and over, not just here but in many of the groups and platforms that I am part of. I see it at events like Eroticon and I saw it again here over the past few days. We seem to care more about each other. We seem to be more supportive and less jealous. We seem to be more accepting and embracing and less threatened. So really I wanted to say thank you to a community who has let me belong. And to the people who over the last few days have made me see again that belonging is important. 

 

Being open with people pays off. Being honest with them means that you can build relationships that matter and are genuine. Showing your vulnerability doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human and means that people can identify with you and build connection with you. And from those connections come strength and the ability to accomplish so much more than if you were on your own. So wherever it is that you feel you fit, I hope that you can be yourself and that others will respond to that. We are reminded all too well that life can be short and we never know what it will show us next. For me, it is the people who matter. The relationships I have are what bring me the greatest reward and the biggest sense of self worth and so that is where I should put my time and energy. I am glad that, even under these terrible circumstance, I have been reminded about what really matters to me. 

Elust 105 Header Mrs Fever

Photo courtesy of Mrs Fever

Welcome to Elust 105

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #106 Start with the rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

I lost my sexuality for a year.

Stolen Penis

Bright English Mornings

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Flavour of Femme

She Teaches Sex Ed!

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Katy

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

Game On
Rites of Passage Training – Sensual Details.
More than Friend’s: Chloe’s video
Molly: The First
Your Canvas
Sometimes I talk too much
His Dirty Rhythm
In case you didn’t get fucked last night.
Gossamer
Cataclysm
The Girl in Fishnets

Erotic Non-Fiction

Let’s Play a Game
Abandoning the Sofa
Smacked around a bit
Fuck You [Redacted]

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Meet The Desperate Eye Of Censorship
The Catastrophe of Ageing

Body Talk and Sexual Health

What it’s like to model nude for art classes
Tip Your Artists

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Life… grief, depression and disability
Living with Chronic Lyme Disease
Welcome

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

The edge of glory
F/m Reader Q&A (audio with full transcript)
Teasing & Torment
Guest Post: Interview with Violet Fawkes

Events

A landmark event for MPB – Public Play

Poetry

-07.04.18_13:49-

 

 

Elust

 

Inside EroticonA few of my fellow bloggers have asked me to write about my experience at Eroticon, ‘a weekend of learning, socialising and fun for sex bloggers, erotica writers and erotic creatives’. I had never really considered myself to be in any of these categories so I was a little worried that I wouldn’t fit in but I was made welcome from the outset. I think a lot of other people there had shared the same self doubts at some point and this was alluded to in the keynote speech given by Girl on the Net. She empathised with my anxiety but encouraged, “your words can change the world.” After a swift and humorous account of the year, she arrived at the conclusion that, “We can’t all do everything but everyone can do something.”  In between she made me think, and I mean really think, about my place in this world and what I can do.

 

The Seminars

During the weekend we attended a number of different seminars and I have to say that I learnt something in each one and came away thinking a little bit differently. We chose a blend of talks which made us think about both the content of our blogs and site as well as the technical side of reaching your audience.  The talk on taboos by Remittance Girl, as well as Annabelle Knight’stalk on erotic writing made me think not just about writing fiction but also about the sorts of challenges that we face as writers of sex and erotica. They picked up on some of the points raised in the opening address and allowed me to feel that I was part of the collective whole.

 

I have always thought that although I can write, I don’t have good imaginative ideas, but listening to these people speak and the suggestions contributed by the audience was bringing my ideas to the fore. This continued during the workshop by Cressida Downing about whether there is a book in your blog. I am not sure the answer to that would be yes, but listening to the questions she asked and the advice she gave made me realise that there probably were ways that I could spin off from what I do here if that was something I wanted to try. It was also great to hear those listening to the talk offering suggestions and ideas and that really was something that was indicative of the whole ethos of the event.

 

Kayla Lords session really set things in a different direction as she talked about how to monetise your blog without selling your soul. This is something that I have never really thought about doing but she made me see that you can do it in a way which doesn’t have to change the content or even necessarily take money from your readers. It can be much more about how to find ways of making your blog work for you through things such as reviews and affiliates. I guess this tied in a little with discussion around the marketing of sex products in the talk given on the adult industry by Nina Saini, which again, had me thinking about things in a way that I never had before.

 

Having recently moved into posting some photographs on my site, the workshop given by Molly about editing was extremely helpful. Again it made me think about the content of what is on my blog but also about the technical side and I learnt about good tools for editing as well as some of the rules of photography that I hadn’t known about. The tips and hints on sizing of images and the cataloguing them were also things that I had known nothing of before so that was a huge help.  Please note, Molly, that my ‘Sinful Sunday’ pictures will no longer be, “the size of a planet.”

 

Michael Knight’s workshop on SEO and fetish.com’s talk on raising your visibility on google were so helpful to HisLordship and myself. Setting up The SafeworD/s Club has left us somewhat floundering in the world of site building, maintenance and repair. While we have the basic skills, neither of us is close enough to computer geekery required to run such a thing successfully, and we have not yet ‘come out’ to our 15 year old son who may actually be able to help. So blindly through the back door of the internet we have crept and are grateful at what was demystified for us over the weekend. In terms of content and technical wizardry we still have a long long way to come but Eroticon left us feeling a little bit wiser and a little bit more aware of the potential that was out there for us to improve.

 

The People

Wow. This part of the weekend was huge. Eroticon is a community and one which is inclusive and welcoming. Overall I was struck but the willingness to share with others without no personal gain other than feeling good talking about a shared interest and love. I suppose because most people are coming at it from the angle of writing being a hobby and a passion it allows for a different, more supportive and non-threatening feel. These people are not just friendly, they have actually become friends over the years and the buzz that creates is infectious. The energy, the enthusiasm and the positivity was palpable and that really helped to make the event for me.

 

It wasn’t just the organisers and participants who were part of this, the sponsors were also people who were passionate about their products and couldn’t wait to share that, and their expertise, with anyone who was interested enough to listen. I have been at other events before where it is a commercial thing but this was much more about sharing their belief in a product that they have a personal connection to. There was never a feeling that it was about money, although many of those attending were trying to make a living, or even just cover off some of their costs; it felt much more like a community celebrating in each other’s success, encouraging and sharing ideas and helping one another to move forward in a very collaborative way.

 

I suppose that really the whole event came full circle for me so that from the beginning where the seed was sown that we all had a part to play, to the end where I felt what that part might be for me on a personal level, there was the feeling that I would not be alone. I was part of a community looking to change things for the better, slowly but surely, piece by piece. This event was so good that I posted the day after about the sub-drop I felt following it. Since then I have so many ideas and projects whirring around my head that I feel as if I am back in the sub-frenzy phase.

 

Obviously a huge part for me was spending time with HisLordship as a couple, doing something that we are both interested in and love. Being away alone together was a real treat and to meet so many fascinating, talented and knowledgeable people was a huge bonus. Although the seminars we attended were amazing, I heard so many positive things of the ones which ran in tandem to them that I could have filled my time two or three times over, which probably answers the question, would you attend again? You bet I would. The weekend was not a budget one but it was one which was hugely valuable and I would happily spend that in order to take part again. Two early bird tickets for next year please!

 

Post originally posted on submissy

When we set up the site we wanted to host the topic chats, which are always well supported, but we also wanted to have a place for members to come and chat about other aspects of D/s with like-minded people. In order for the open chat to work on a new site we thought that having two designated days would mean that people would be less likely to miss each other as they would know when they could come on. As the site has grown, there have often been people here chatting informally at a number of other times which means that the Thursdays and Sundays are no longer necessarily any busier than at other times of the week.

 

We also had open chats initially which were sub and Dom only, but people seemed to want to chat together, so we have found that those rooms became used less and less. Recently some members have said that although the mixed chat is valuable, it would also be good to have some chat which is either geared more for Doms or more for subs. So we have decided to have set topics for discussion on a Thursday from 8pm. This will be pretty flexible and can run at any time really for those in another time zone but that is when HL and I will aim to be on. 

 

Topics for this week are as follows:

Doms discussion: Communication during a scene and its value.

subs discussion: Something I never thought that I would do.

 

We will post the discussion topics on the calendar but have also set up an area in the forums where people can add ideas and suggestions for the Dom discussions, the sub discussions and also the mixed topic chats. We are also keen to hear from anyone who is willing to host a chat on a particular topic. Please don’t feel that you need to be an ‘expert’ for this as we are all learning. The role of the host is much more to facilitate the discussion by asking the odd question and keeping things on track. 

 

The Thursday evening chats at Eastern Standard Time will run in their present format until the end of March when Emily will start her maternity leave; we are pleased to announce that slars and Lars have kindly come forward to step into the breach as is were, so that the topic chats can continue. In addition, Princess has also very kindly agreed to host the Little chat and party so thank you also to her.

 

We would also like to welcome the new members who have been able to join us since our sign-up glitch which lasted far too long, and of course to thank our other members for their continued support during our various IT trials and tribulations. Hopefully March will be a good month; the calendar is now full and we look forward to seeing you at one of the chats.

 

Best wishes,

HisLordship and missy

This is a post that I wrote last year and posted on submissybut it seemed to fit with the ones on consent and on roleplay which were posted here already.

 

Sir and I have talked for a while about trying some ‘resistance play’. We both like the idea of a bit of a struggle and thought it might be something different to experiment with. We hadn’t really talked fully about this and the ways that we might work it into our scenes and play in order to explore it, but I guess that it was floating around somewhere in the background. Anyway, as I said earlier, as part of his birthday celebrations Sir had requested a return visit from Elf. For those of you who follow my blog you may remember that the naughty Elf was a gift on Day 16 as part of my submissive advent calendar. I realise that I never actually posted about the antics that took place, although I know that Sir did include some details on his blog, but I think that he enjoyed the naughty and cheeky way that elf behaved and was looking for a re-run. I should point out here that elf is not really like the usual me and is also not particularly submissive, so there is definitely a bratty, pleasure driven side in there somewhere just waiting to get out when the time is right.

 

So it happened that as a naughty elf was walking in the woods last Saturday, it came upon a beast. Not one to be scared easily, the elf did not immediately run and hide, but approached the beast with some sense of bravado and demanded to know what it what it was doing. Elf commented on the beast’s lack of fur but began to stroke it regardless. Elf noticed then, that the beast had a front tail and the stroking of this, and the area surrounding it, appeared to arouse the beast somewhat. The beast then declared that he would have the elf and show it the full magnitude of his marvellous front tail. Elf being elf was intrigued but was far too playful to give in without a fight. And so, a struggle ensued whereby the beast tried to use his strength and brute force to conquer the elf, and the elf tried to wriggle and squirm its way from the beast’s grasp, distracting the beast with rude and foul remarks designed to make the beast lose his concentration and throw him off his game.

 

The tale of the elf and the beast in the woods is a much longer one than this of course, and it took a few unexpected twists and turns along the way! But suffice to say that the issue of consensual non-consent was a large part. In order for there to be a struggle , there had to be a battle of wills and also of strength. Both the actions and the words used had to communicate this in order for it to really work. Fortunately our hotel room was at the end of a quiet corridor and, being a sunny afternoon, there were also fewer people around. However, had anyone chanced upon our door, they would have deduced from the squeals and the words exchanged and the tone of voice and the thuddy movements and sounds of combat, that this was not a consensual exchange. Did elf say that what it wanted was to be roughly taken by the beast? No of course not for where would the fun be in that? Rather the thrill of the chase and charge of the struggle and the heat that was caused by the exchange added to the final submission when the fight was over and the elf, huffing and panting, finally had to submit to a greater power.

 

Perhaps the role play here gave us the freedom to explore by tapping into lesser used parts of our characters, but really this is just an extension of what we often do. Even HisLordship and missy pull on different connections than those that P and E draw on to function within their different roles. We are husband and wife, Dom and sub, and everything else in between. We can become so lost in the vanilla people that we also are, that it can be good to release and forget those characters for others who are more carefree and fun and more focussed on mutual pleasure. I think that even without the cloak of beast and the elf, we enjoyed the struggle and the resistance, and this is something that we fully intend to explore again in a number of different forms.

 

Being taken with force appeals to me on so many levels. I like to feel small and vulnerable and to be reminded of Sir’s strength and power. I find it so sexy when he ‘forces’ me whether that is in terms of the physical, or simply in asserting his will over me. I also like the roughness and aggression that the abandoning of regular convention brings out in him and I can actually see the dark desire in his eyes. There is a feeling of safe danger, which I know is an oxymoron, but so many of the feelings I experience through this are seeming polar opposites which actually merge together to create something new. Giving consent to be used by Sir as, when and how he likes was a clear part of my submission from the outset. In fact, it was actually something that I had fantasised about for a while and something I saw as being a key part of the relationship, even the before D/s.

 

Was consent present at the time? Yes without doubt it was. Did we sit down at that moment and discuss and agree that what was to take place was the feigning of consent in order to further our scene? No we didn’t because we didn’t need to and that would have spoilt it. We know each other well enough to know that we are not crossing any boundaries that we don’t both want to cross together, and this is because we are dedicated to continual open and honest communication with one another that has allowed us to reach this point. The love, respect and trust is there and so we are both able to let go and enjoy each other in complete safety. That is consensual non-consent and the beauty of it is that it gives you the freedom to let go of many of the societal norms that would usually hold you back, and just let go and enjoy the more primal part of yourself and of your partner.

We recently had a chat at The SafeworD/s Club about Roleplay. In my preamble to the topic I described roleplay as the marmite of BDSM as people either seem to love or to hate it. It turned out that most of us who attended the chat were fans, although we’d all had some good, as well as bad scenes and all felt that there were limits as well as secrets to what would or wouldn’t work. No one wants to fall off the stage, or be left in front of an audience with their trousers down, so I thought that I would share what has and hasn’t worked for us.  

 

HisLordship and I do like roleplay. We have found that it is a good way to introduce new things and to push our own boundaries a bit. We started with school girl scenes, introduced medical scenes and really took it from there. In fact, Sir has even said at times that in the early stages he felt a bit like being a Dom was another role that he was playing. Thankfully since then it has become a lot more natural for him, but I think there is still an element of tapping into that sort of head-space so that he can think and feel as he wants to do. This will happen more often when we are having a high protocol scene and he is being quite formal and issuing lots of instructions. 

 

I think it is important too, when choosing a role, to find something that you feel at least a bit comfortable with. While you may be using roleplay to push your boundaries and fulfil the kinky desires of your partner, for me, it would need to be a role that I could relate to. The ones that are most successful for me are ones where my vulnerability is heightened and also ones where there is some humiliation. That is because these things turn me on anyway so it is easier for me to let go and be responsive to it. I am always submissive in the bedroom so a role where I have to take the lead will be much more challenging for me and will mean that I am more likely to stay in my head instead of letting go. 

 

Passive roles work usually work if you are a sub because most of us are able to follow instruction and be led in the right direction. But part of roleplay is about providing something different than the role that you would usually take. Whatever the role, you need to allow the other person to explore their kink in a way that they would not be able to usually; this is the difference between roleplay and what is your own dynamic. Even with a relatively passive role, such as a slave girl,  you will probably still need to tap into the inner part of yourself that your Sir is looking for and respond to him in that way.  Playing the role of a school girl or a bunny or a slave is not the same as identifying as a little or a pet or indeed being in a M/s dynamic.

 

I have found that often roles which seem to be quite close in terms of what they require can actually be further apart for me that HisLordship might think. There are subtle differences in the way that I see myself and rather than tap into something positive inside, it can actually tap into my inner fears. We had a disastrous scene where he wanted me to be a porn actress auditioning while he filmed me. This was so far removed from anything I would do that my confidence to see it through just fell away. I ended up in a bit of a downward spiral and had to be scooped up and taken in a different direction. So ‘no’ to the porn actress but ‘yes’ to the private dancer. ‘No’ to the high class hooker but ‘yes’ to the courtesan. 

 

This confused me for a while but I have come to see roleplay more as having to fit in with who I am. As a person I think many of us wear different faces for the different roles we have in life and really a role with a sexual theme is no different. As with anything it is about finding the path where your fantasies cross with each other so that you can more easily explore them together. It is thinking about the things you would like to try but are afraid to, and working out if hiding yourself under a different mask will allow you to do that in a way that will mean you can break down the usual barriers which allow you resist. 

 

Roleplay has allowed us to touch on consensual non-consent, primal play, age play, pet play and objectification and realise that these are areas that we would like to explore further. It is an easy vehicle to do this as it can be discussed beforehand so that you have an idea of how your partner will react, but because you are ‘not actually you’, it is easy to let go and take things further than you might usually. For me one of the things that I love is being able to get out of my own head and leave the thoughts that hold me back there behind. If you can escape into this new role then I find that is a relatively easy way to achieve this sort of freedom of mind and action. 

 

If you are just starting out with roleplay then I would suggest thinking about the kind of personality you have and the sorts of things that you like. Do you lean towards the bratty? Do you get excited by fear? Do you like to feel vulnerable or to be overpowered? Are you passive or active? Do you like pain and torture? Do you want to be worshipped or want to be tamed? I think that if you are able to dig deep to find what makes you work then you will be more able to bring that to the discussion about suitable roles and scenarios and then more able to bring yourself to the role that is chosen.

 

We do talk before trying a new roleplay scene, however, this is usually in general terms. We never follow a script although there may be something to set the context, such as a scenario, some dialogue or some instructions which will help to get us started. We will ad-lib from there and go with it together which is why it is important to have something that we can relate to. We usually have quite open ideas and expectations and that fits with the sorts of scenes that we have and the sort of Dominant that Sir is. A Dom who was more particular in expectations would likely have more structure and more instructions so that their desires were met that way. 

 

Because of the way we spark off each other, we have often found that things have come up during role play which we have gone on to discuss after, and then explore and incorporate in our other scenes and play. It isn’t that we go out of our way to keep things hidden usually, but sometimes we have discovered interests and kinks which we didn’t really know were there. In this way we have been able to push our limits a little which is always quite an exhilaration experience. 

 

I guess like every other type of kink and BDSM play, roleplay is something that you either want to do or don’t. Some will enjoy it and find it a good fit and others will prefer to stick with the things that do it for them. I think that, while you need to make sure that you are safe and sane and consensual, it is always good not to take yourself or the activity too seriously. The point is to have fun with it and through that shared pleasure to build a deeper connection with each other. Most of our roleplay will end in sex and at some point along the way, the role will probably take a back seat to the events that are happening and the mask will fall away as we arrive at our destination. 

Consent is a serious topic and it is a complicated and contentious area in BDSM. For us consent is always present unless a safe word is used, but in reality Sir would never ask me to do something that I didn’t want to. The level of trust we have is huge and it means that consent is not really something that we think about, so for me personally, I take a pretty relaxed view. At work, however, I have to make sure that young people understand the importance of making sure that consent in present at the time. We also make sure that they know what the law surrounding sex and consent means for them. One of the great resources we use compares consent to having a cup of tea and this helps to make the point. So I suppose I want to make it clear that what I am writing about here is about how consent works in our D/s marriage, and to make the point that I don’t advocate this being appropriate for other types of relationship, and that I realise our practices may leave us on the wrong side of the law, if it ever came to that.

 

Speaking of the law, I do think that it is wrong that couples engaging in BDSM could be prosecuted for ‘inflicting harm on another person,’ if that activity falls within agreed limits that are consensual. I would argue that whether or not I am left with the bruises and marks from a cane or any other implement, done within the context of our scene, what was carried out was not harmful but part of the way we are showing and celebrating our love. I also think it is wrong that if someone can punch the life out of someone else in a boxing ring and that sort of harm is condoned as being sport, or that someone can cut through another person’s skin and tissue to carry out unnecessary cosmetic surgery and that is condoned as being a surgical procedure, that what we do would not be given the same legal standing. When there is no legal issue from the harm caused from tattoos or piercings, quite why the bruising on my spanked bottom would cause so much contention, I am not really sure.

 

However, the law and public opinion aside, consent works differently for us than for some other couples. If I say ‘no!’ then it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘no!’ If I say ‘I don’t want to!’ it doesn’t necessarily mean that ‘I don’t want to!’ If I say ‘stop!’ then it doesn’t necessarily mean ‘stop!’, so I do see why some people feel it is confusing. The thing is that in BDSM you have to understand the other person, be aware of their needs and wants, and also of their limits. Add to that the trust that all of this will be communicated, respected and observed and clearly you are dealing with something much more complex than it may at first appear. Obviously there are never any guarantees so I should point out that to protect us both, if I say ‘red’, it will all stop. This will be immediate and absolute and until a proper discussion has taken place and we have agreed how we are going to move forward, any previous agreement is on hold. As a testament to the way things work in a D/s marriage like ours, calling ‘red’ is not something that I really have to do and have never done it during a scene or kinky play, but it is there as a safety measure nonetheless, and is a key control to have when you are doing things which could ‘inflict harm on another person.’

 

So why say ‘no’, or ‘don’t’, or ‘stop’ if you don’t mean it? Well I think there are a couple of reasons for this. The first is that there is a huge grey area between what the brain wants to limit and what it wants to experience. I suppose it is due to our need to protect ourselves, and we respond to our anxiety in order to do that. Sometimes you are caught up in the fight or flight reaction when your brain wants to either halt everything by freezing to let the danger pass, or let your body take over and run for your life to escape it. This is all well and good when the danger is real, but when it is only perceived, I think that we can limit ourselves by responding to it. My own hangups and fears would certainly restrict the choices I made if I let them. And sometimes, that is exactly what I do. Sir knows this and so sometimes if I have a little shove, a little bit of reassurance and a bigger purpose (pleasing him), I can push past my own limits to experience something new that I will really enjoy.

 

The second reason, is that it is fun. A lot Domination and submission, especially in play and scenes, is about theatre. You know that you are safe, but the fear of the unknown can pump you full of adrenaline which gives the whole thing a bit of thrill. To pull against your bonds and realise that you are stuck in a vulnerable position brings excitement; to allow yourself to be played by a mindfuck means that you can experience things in a way that differs to your norm. Essentially, you can keep it all fresh and new and exciting, and in a sexual sense, to be able to do this in a long term relationship is a little bit like finding the holy grail. Everything in D/s play is heightened – your senses, your emotions and therefore, consequentially, your experiences.

 

Essentially a lot of it is illusion which is why I think that many find it so difficult to understand. The submissive standing naked in the corner knows that her Dominant does not see her as inferior to him. The submissive being told she must endure just five more strikes, knows that she is going to feel pleasure and not pain. A true Dominant can not be compared to someone who is willingly inflicting pain on someone. He does what he does out of love and with the highest regard for the safety, for the well-being and for the pleasure of the submissive, and this is what is often not seen or understood. Ultimately both parties know that the pain, the humiliation and the fear will translate into pleasure and safety and love. But often in order to experience these things, you have to let go of the things that hold you back, and giving consent to another person to allow you to do this, is one way that works for a number of people.

 

It is only within the safety of the consent that is part of D/s, that Sir and I have really been able to explore who we are. My nature is more cautious and less impulsive than I would sometimes like and, in the past, this has held me back and prevented me from admitting to some of the things I really wanted to experience. Sir is by nature caring and protective, so for him the same is true as it is only really within the structure of the D/s that he has felt safe to explore and enjoy some of the things that involve his darker more deviant side. Through all of this we have built an intimacy and closeness that means that we pretty much know what the other needs and wants, so to have to go back to a more conventional interpretation of consent would mean communicating in a completely different way which would be a backwards step for our relationship.

 

Originally posted on