Sometimes life feels like a fairy tale. Everything is going your way, you are with the love of your life, nothing could be better.

And sometimes you have a wart covered frog in your face, belching at you while it chomps on flies.

Such is the way of life.

So what do you do with that stinking, stupid frog?

Kiss it. i dare you.

Sometimes our partners just piss us off. They grate on our nerves, get in the way, frustrate us. It’s an ugly truth.

When your prince turns into a frog, they probably need your help turning back into a prince. Kiss it. Kiss it better. Kiss it despite its warts and ugliness and lack of manners or regard for your likes, wants, and desires. Kiss it. Kiss the frog.

In our marriage, the reality is that sometimes we get on each others nerves. It isn’t perfect all the time. my ugly shows, and so does His. Its hard for me to see this- but when Daddy is being a frog, i need to swallow my pride and take a look in the mirror, cos chances are, i am being one too. As His submissive, and as His wife, i need to see past the flaws, and love Him through them. Because i know He sees past mine, and loves me anyway.

When you initially go online to meet new people, it is easy to get sucked into the belief that everyone wants to be nice, and is generally good. This is a mistake- here is why:

 

-Possibility of ID theft

-Possibility of catfishing

-Possibility of blackmail or otherwise personally harmful incidence

-Invasion of privacy or personal life

 

The BDSM community is already shrouded in secrecy and identity concealment, and a majority of the vanilla world will not accept or understand the dynamics we exist in. By going online, and creating accounts, you are taking a risk that the people you meet are trustworthy. And while a majority of the people we have met have been generally kind and fun, we have met our share of unstable, and dishonest individuals. This leads us to some ground rules for creating online profiles, and making friends online.

 

  1. When creating online profiles, NEVER use personally identifying information such as your real name, address or location, personal contact information (this means you need to make a separate email that is not your real name, or personal or work email)
  2. When making friends online, verify who they are by obtaining photographic or video evidence before sharing information that could damage your personal life in any way
  3. Do not share photos of your face, family, location, etc. without first knowing that you can either delete the content if you become uncomfortable, or verifying who you are sharing said information with
  4. Go with your gut- if something feels funny, it probably is. Do not continue to push yourself into murky waters if you do not feel confidently safe and secure

 

These are mere guidelines- overall you need to use common sense. And this is not to say that all interactions should be met with suspicion. Just remember to protect yourself. If you want more information on, or want to refresh yourself on, the community rules, click here.

 

When you make friends online, and you are trying to get to know them, there are many red flags you can look for when ascertaining their authenticity. A few are listed below:

 

  1. They will not send photos or video call, and are persistently asking you to do those, or ask you to share more information than they are willing to share
  2. They seem too good to be true- their experiences seem more like fiction, or their photos look more like models
  3. They have limited, repetitive experience and information about themselves
  4. They have really problematic lives to the extent that they seem to need help, advice, or money frequently
  5. They claim to have high profile jobs or hobbies, such as being a doctor, or international spy
  6. They use reverse psychology, gaslighting, or preemptive defense- “I am so nice, supportive, successful, helpful”- they use adjectives to describe themselves to make themselves more likeable, and do it frequently, when they really aren’t those things. They act hurt that you suspect they aren’t who they purport to be, deny wrongdoing, or call you crazy.
  7. Your conversations are so much about you, that they never share about themselves
  8. There are holes in their story that you don’t want to question for fear of upsetting them, or pushing them away
  9. They seem to be everywhere all the time
  10. They purport to be an expert without the ability to back up experiences with facts
  11. They insist on receiving sexual photos, rush into a sexual relationship, bully you into doing things you may not be comfortable with

 

What you can do if you suspect a catfish:

 

  1. Report them to site administrators
  2. Ask to video call
  3. Reverse image search their photos, google search the contact information you have for them
  4. Pull away and protect yourself
  5. Be careful- if they seem volatile, or have personal or damning information about you, it may not serve to make a scene. In these situations, it is best to contact the site administration
  6. Report the individuals to your local authorities, if it applies. In the United States, catfishing is illegal in many states, especially if the person is using photos of another person, even if they are not using their name. These crimes are punishable with jail time, fines, etc.
  7. Do your research! Read online about red flags in relationships, and ask for help when you need it.

 

Remember: NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE CATFISHES. Most aren’t. This post is merely to help you identify red flags, and advise you on steps to take in those instances. Have fun and be safe!

For more of our posts, visit us at Married and Owned

The following post has been co-written, because we feel that a Dominant and submissive perspective to rules is important. Please let us know if you have any questions! As a side note- we are not experts, and there is no one right way to create a rules list. We aim only to inform those interested in how we do things.

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Lars’ Perspective

Rules can be a very useful tool for achieving goals and maintaining a certain standard, but can also be detrimental when not implemented properly. I see rules in 2 different categories- rules to maintain and rules that lead you where you’re going. “Maintenance” rules are things like respect, honesty and self care. These should be the foundation of any relationship as they help keep it healthy. Once you establish those baseline rules, you can create goal oriented rules for “where you want to go”. Those rules could relate to working out for weight loss, or even wearing a butt plug to train for anal sex. Depending on where you are and where you want to go, rules can be developed to help meet those goals or needs. Rules can change during the span of your relationship, and I recommend regularly reviewing your rules, adding and editing as needed.

Once you have determined what your rules list looks like, make sure that it isn’t too long. As my good friend Mr. Swanson once told me, “It is better to full-ass one thing, than to half-ass two things.” When you feel your sub has begun to manage well with the initial list, you can add more rules in as needed, and remove the ones that no longer serve you.

When it comes to enforcing your rules list, it is really important that you remain consistent. I believe rules lists should be accompanied by rewards and punishments lists. What is the point of rules if there is no accountability? If your sub is anything like mine then structure and consistency are some of the most important factors to having a functional and happy D/s dynamic.

When choosing rules it is important to be realistic and not go balls to the wall at the beginning. You can start small and work up to the higher protocol stuff as you and your sub grow together. It is very important that you are able to track successes- you can use sticker charts, apps, chores lists, etc.. Just make sure that you are holding yourself and your sub responsible for following rules and meeting goals.

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts on rules. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave a note in the contact me section, or in the comments.

 

 

slars’ Perspective

Creation

Creating a rules list can be a daunting task! When you are first getting started in a power exchange dynamic, i think it’s especially challenging. When Daddy and i first started our dynamic, it was solely with DD/lg. We joined an online community and quickly learned that a lot of the people there were single, and therefore didn’t have rules. We did a lot of research online, looking for examples we thought we could base our rules on, but even that proved to be a challenge. And then we met some couples who did have rules, but didn’t want to discuss them with us! It felt like a whole bunch of dead ends. We pieced together a rules list on our own, and had to work at tweaking them regularly to find our groove. Before i continue- if you are reading this and feeling like you have hit dead ends when making your rules list, reach out to us on the contact page. We would love to help! Don’t get discouraged! Anyway, we created our list. Do you want to know something crazy? Our first list of rules had over 70 rules!!!! 😰 You may see online that some Tops make their bottoms memorize their rules. Nope- how on Earth could i memorize 70?! Moral of the story- start simple. Decide what the top priorities are. Here is an example of 5:

-Do not disrespect Daddy- this includes back talk, profanity, and eye rolling

-Take care of your body- shave regularly, eat 3 healthy meals per day, exercise 3 days per week

-Accomplish all chores before playing

-Bed time is 10:30 pm, wake up at 8:30 am

-No spending money without first asking

These are non sexual rules that set boundaries for every day life. Starting with rules like those help build structure, and also make consistency for enforcement a lot easier in the beginning. You might also introduce a chore chart, to help make rewarding your bottom easier. Tracking successes is important! So once you have determined the every day rules, you can add in rules relating to personal goals. They could be education related, for weight loss, learning something new, saving for something… Whatever your goals are. i really like having goal oriented rules because they help keep me accountable. But achieving goals also really boosts my self confidence, and makes Daddy proud. i love the feeling of accomplishment! After choosing your goal oriented rules, if you are sexual, add in some rules for that too. Some examples could be:

-No masturbation of any kind

-Do not orgasm without permission

If your rules list starts looking hefty, slow down. Make a list of ideas you can implement later. Daddy and i meet every Sunday as a sort of reset, and part of that is discussing rules. Sometimes we remove one, sometimes we add one. Your rules list can change over time. It probably won’t stay as what it started as. And that is actually a good thing! Be flexible, communicate, and write things down! Okay next….

Implementation

How do you implement this lovely list that you created? Well, you will want to create a list of rewards. What does your bottom want to be rewarded with? An allowance, gifts, outings, orgasms? In a Master/slave dynamic, rewards may not be a thing. Do you want to reward your bottom? my personal vote is that in the beginning, rewards are important. You’re creating new habits, and psychologically rewards help motivate. What will your bottom need to accomplish to earn each reward? Set the goals. 1 month of 100% chores being done means a trip to the zoo, perhaps. And once you have decided your rewards, move on to a list of punishments. The list of punishments is likely to change. If you have never explored spanking, that is a good place to start. Daddy has cold showers on my list, because i absolutely hate the cold. But spankings, He has to be careful with, because i am a masochist. So when He spanks me, He uses phrases like, “you broke the rules, and I am punishing you, I am disappointed.” His disappointment in me is the real punishment, but His words are what makes the spanking unpleasant. So you’ve chosen your rewards and punishments. You have your list of maybe 15 rules. You are ready to implement them….

Enforcement

And now your bottom has broken a rule. What ever are you to do? Consistency is key!!! Let me repeat: Consistency!!! That is why having a shorter list of rules in the beginning is important. It is easier for a bottom to remember and easier for a Top to enforce consistently. Use your punishments list, and as you feel comfortable, pull some ideas out of your back pocket if you want. Just keep in mind the levels of consent that you have with your partner. And don’t forget the power of rewarding your partner, even if its just telling them they did a good job! There is no one right way to make a rules list. If it works for you, it is right! And remember, if you have questions or need a little advice, feel free to comment or contact us! Good luck!

 

This post was originally featured on Married and Owned.

When i think about vanilla life, just having general relationships outside of kink, i think about how important it is to laugh. i mean, if it isn’t fun, or at least minimally enjoyable, why engage? This leads me to the topic of nonsexual play. i am going to write about it specifically for romantic relationships, but this could really apply to any friendship.

When Daddy and i met, we were 800 miles apart. We didn’t have the luxury of dating, we had time differences, and between the two of us, we had 5 jobs. i also had a 2 year old. Those things made for a rough start. i was newly out of a seriously bad relationship, and wasn’t really looking for love in any form. So when Daddy and i connected, it was more about laughing and relaxing than it was anything else. Talking to Him felt good. We started out playing the games 14 year old girls play at slumber parties- 20 questions and truth or dare. We spent so much time asking questions, that eventually we ran out, and had to find other resources to give us more ideas. We spent hours talking, falling asleep on the phone. And this was back when people had minutes. His phone bills were a bit much, but we just couldn’t help ourselves. We talked and talked and played our games, and suddenly He was at my door with His entire life packed in boxes, and He moved in.

Somewhere in that journey things became sexual. But we had based our relationship on more than that, and so it wasn’t the main priority. We made some friends that were couples and began hosting game nights. We played games just He and i. We changed and evolved, but kept having fun. It doesn’t always have to be tits and cocks and lubes and cuffs. Some nights we are on the Xbox cursing into our microphones. Some nights we are playing cards, sipping scotch and smoking cigars (a little who smokes cigars, how scandalous!). Some nights we lay in bed, and He watches me color, or play with my toys. One time we even tried to make our own wedding cake, which was a disaster. But all of it has been fun. And the laughter has been the best part.

Playing is more important in my relationships than almost anything else. i crave laughter, feel fulfilled when Daddy thinks i am clever or funny, i like being lively and silly and playful. i love when Daddy breaks out his face splitting grin at me. It really has nothing to do with age play or D/s. It’s more about remembering to not become complacent, to change things up, to keep surprising each other.

Examples of non sexual play:

  • Board games
  • Card games
  • Video games
  • Trivia
  • Tickle fights
  • Pillow fights
  • Crafts
  • Playing with toys
  • Massage
  • Taking a shower or bath together
  • Cooking together
  • Telling jokes
  • Reading together
  • Puzzles
  • Movie night

Have you had enough non sexual play in your life lately? What do you do to play in non sexual ways? Comment below!!

Who is your little self?

In the book The Big Book For Littles, the author Penny Barber lists a few pages of questions, with the invitation to blog about them. The questions are designed to help you identify and explain your little side, to help you, your Big, and your friends understand you. When i think about being little, it is really hard to give a clear explanation of what it means and feels like. These questions make it much easier to communicate your desires, needs, and personality to your partner, and also to yourself. The list is long, so i plan on answering them bit by bit, and will post my thoughts and discoveries. If you haven’t read this book, i highly recommend it. You can find it on Amazon Kindle for $9.99.

Here is the list:

  • When in little mode, do you behave yourself?
  • Which adjectives describe you? Are you bratty? Helpful? Shy?
  • Does your behavior and demeanor depend heavily on the situation?
  • Are there any labels that might help others to understand you better?
  • Do you like this label?
  • What, if anything, do you wish was different about how people perceived the label?
  • Do you use this label only out of necessity or do you wear it proudly?
  • Do you have a little personality distinct from your everyday self? If so, what are the differences?
  • Do you prefer being your everyday self to being little or vice versa? Do you enjoy both personas more or less equally?
  • Do you like to regress, i.e. feel like you’ve become a younger age, when you’re age playing? If so how do your behaviors and thoughts change?
  • If you do regress, is your little self an expression of an alternate personality, or just you as your younger self?
  • What does your little like to do?
  • What sort of clothing does your little like to wear? Do you like special panties, ruffled socks, onesies, overalls, etc.?
  • Do you consider age play clothes fetish wear or would you wear them in public in your daily life?
  • Would you be able to age play without these clothes?
  • Do you enjoy playing with other littles?
  • Are your relationships with other littles an expression of polyamory or are they strictly platonic?
  • Do you enjoy being cared for by caregivers who may not be bonded to you, like a babysitter, or do you only want a very close caregiver, like a Mommy?
  • List three characteristics of the ideal Big for your little.
  • List three characteristics of your little’s perfect best friend.
  • Do you like to wear diapers when you’re being little? If so, what kind?
  • Are you loyal to a particular brand?
  • Choose three adjectives to describe your perfect diaper.
  • Do you like to use diaper toiletries like baby powder, baby oil, petroleum jelly, diaper rash cream, etc.?
  • Do you become embarrassed when you wear a diaper and, if so, is it enjoyable to be embarrassed?
  • Do you like wetting or messing your diaper? If so, do you like being made to wear a wet or soiled diaper for an extended period of time?
  • What are the steps for your ideal changing ritual?
  • Is a diaper change sexual for you? If so, is it foreplay for the main event? Is a diaper itself a sex toy to you?
  • How do you feel about simulated messy diapers with things like shaving cream or bananas?
  • Do you enjoy forced diaper use, like enemas or diuretics?
  • How do you feel about including sexual paraphernalia like butt plugs in a diaper change?
  • What are your little self’s favorite things to do during playtime?
  • Do you have any special toys? Would you be upset if someone else touched or used this toy?
  • Are you good at sharing?
  • Would you engage in an activity that you didn’t like or found boring in order to accommodate a playmate?
  • Describe a perfect afternoon with your ideal little best friend.
  • Do you have imaginary friends? Are you friends with your stuffed animals and toys?
  • Does your little self enjoy or tolerate being punished?
  • Would you prefer punishments to be humiliating, painful, or time consuming?
  • Which punishments would you absolutely not submit to?
  • How does being punished make you feel?
  • Should punishment be an experience on its own or only in response to misbehavior on your part?
  • Would you become upset or defiant if you felt that you were being punished unjustly?
  • List five punishments that you would enjoy submitting to.
  • Should punishments be appropriate to your little age? What are your criteria for determining the appropriate punishment?
  • Do you enjoy having special rules for when you are in little space?
  • Are these rules meant to control your behavior or help you get into little space?
  • Would these rules be realistic rules that a chronological child should abide by, like washing your hands before you eat, or fetishistic like having to wet at least 2 diapers per day?
  • Would these rules be set by your Big alone or would you have input? Are there certain rules that you would not consent to?
  • Based on your little age, how much control would a Big have over you in regards to leisure time, goals, speech, dress, hygiene, etc.?
  • Does your little self have chores? Homework? If so, do you have a good attitude about it?
  • Do you enjoy using ageplay to motivate you to do work, like having a sticker or earning a reward?
  • Would this scenario work only in a fantasy setting or would you like to be motivated to complete mundane chores like paying bills and cleaning the kitchen?
  • How frequently do you like to age play?
  • Do you always like to go all the way, or is it sometimes preferable to experience a lighter, less immersive age play, like only sucking on a pacifier or just wearing age play clothes?
  • Are there certain things going on in your life that might make you want to age play more or less often or is your desire pretty constant?
  • Are there certain places that make you feel more little?
  • Are there places that you feel are sacrosanct only to age play or only to being Big? If so, why?
  • Are there any changes that can be made to a space to make it feel more like a safe or fun place for you to be little, like making sure the space is soundproof or putting out little decor?
  • Are you comfortable age playing in vanilla, non-adult settings, like the zoo?
  • Do you like to age play in semi-public settings, like at a BDSM play party?
  • If you do play in public, what’s your plan for dealing with onlookers who may become curious, uncomfortable, or offended?
  • Is there something that can happen that makes you feel little?
  • Do you enjoy it when something unexpected makes you feel little? Can it be deliberately initiated?
  • Is it embarrassing to be made to feel little in public, even if you aren’t acting little?
  • Is your little side always or sometimes dominant?
  • Do you feel dominant toward everyone or only to a specific person or type of person?
  • Is your little mean, like a bully or tattletale?
  • Is your little a leader?
  • Do you enjoy physical discomfort when in little space, like spankings, hair pulling, rough penetration, etc.?
  • Do you enjoy emotional discomfort like being teased, being scolded, being put on time out, losing your favorite toy, etc.? If so, is this discomfort just part of your interactions as a little, or is it a punishment?
  • Should punishments be non-sexual, sexual, or a mix of the two?
  • Do you enjoy more domestic punishments like being spanked with a belt or hair brush?
  • Do you enjoy more institutional punishments like being spanked with a paddle or being made to hold dictionaries on outstretched arms?
  • Does your little self experience full blown feelings of adult love or crushes?
  • How would your little self express romantic affection?
  • In which ways would you not like to experience or express romantic affections as a little? Would these expressions make you uncomfortable or do they just not resonate with you?
  • Is your little self more or less open to multiple romantic relationships than your big self? Equally open?
  • Is it appropriate for a little your age to have a romantic partner and go on dates? Would you do it even if it was, or because it was inappropriate?
  • Would your partner take the lead in the relationship or would you?
  • Would you only date your Big?
  • Would your relationship to your Big be more of a parent child relationship where your Big would determine whether or not you could date other individuals?
  • Does your little self like to hurt others?
  • Do you enjoy inflicting physical pain, like giving someone a wedgie or an Indian burn?
  • Do you enjoy inflicting emotional pain, like calling someone names or insisting a Big read you a sexual story when they don’t want to?
  • Do you like to have sexual contact when in little space? If so, what kind? Do you like to masturbate in little mode?
  • Does play still feel sexual even if you’re not engaging in sexual activity?
  • Do you like the vibe to feel intense, playful, coerced, or some other way?
  • Do you prefer to be the one to initiate sexual contact? How might your partner ask if you would like to be sexual and obtain consent?
  • What, if anything, makes a sexual experience as a little different than a sexual experience as a big?
  • Does entering little headspace allow you to de-stress or experience emotions that you might usually have trouble accessing?
  • Are there things that can stress you out when you are little?
  • How does your little respond to stress?
  • As a little, do you feel submissive to certain people, for example, caregivers?
  • Do you only feel submissive to one person? Are you submissive in general?
  • Is being made to be little the same as being made to submit?
  • Which age ranges do you like to role play?
  • Are these age ranges expressions of the same persona, or is, say your teenager persona completely different from your toddler persona?
  • List ten adjectives that you feel strongly represent this age.
  • Is there a fictional character who you feel represents this age really well?
  • When you were this age, what was your life like?
  • What were you like?
  • How do you wish these things were different? What did you enjoy?  

Have you discovered a little side of yourself? Tell me more in the comments below!

 

 

This post was originally featured on www.marriedandowned.com

Hello! The following post contains discussion points from the chat hosted at The Safeword/s Club. Join us for our next chat, on Monday, July 30, at 9:30 pm EDT to discuss Rules!

These notes are the opinions of Lars and slars of Married and Owned, and the participants of the chat, and do not reflect the opinions and views of the entire BDSM community.

So… you’ve decided you are kinky! You want to play around, explore, experiment… you have added all of the toys and gear you could ever hope for in you cart online, and when you go to check out, the total is $12,742.89!?!?!!

What on Earth are you to do?!

Enter: Pervertables!

Pervertables are items that you might find and use in your everyday vanilla life, that you pervert for kinky uses. It could be a wooden spoon you normally make sauce with, repurposed as a paddle. It could be a tension rod turned into a spreader bar (i will share how we did this in the DIY section of our blog). It could even be a length of rope from your garage, turned into a flogger! Pervertables are only limited by your imagination!

A few things to keep in mind when getting creative at home:

-Safety first- DO NOT insert vegetables, things that can leave splinters, things that could break off, etc, into your orifices. Not only will they put you at risk for humiliating emergency room visits, but they could have chemicals like pesticides or bacteria on them. Doesn’t sound fun, or worth it!

-Always test your pervertables before you use them. Make sure they will not break during use.

-Remember that quality matters. Sometimes it is worth it to spend a little money on an item designed for what your needs are, rather than Jimmy rigging your own.

Examples shared:

  • Wooden kitchen utensils
  • Curtain tie backs
  • Rope
  • Shower curtain rod
  • Chains
  • Sequins, feathers, fabric
  • Craft store items
  • Hardware store items
  • Scarves
  • Pantyhose
  • Clothes pins

The possibilities are endless! Have you ever made pervertables or kinky DIY projects? Share in the comments below!

Quote of the evening by Foxy:

Pervertables are innocent objects that get bent to naughty purposes.

Hello! The following post contains discussion points from the chat hosted at The Safeword/s Club. Join us for our next chat, on Monday, July 16, at 9:30 pm EDT to discuss pervertables!

These notes are the opinions of Lars and slars of Married and Owned, and the participants of the chat, and do not reflect the opinions and views of the entire BDSM community.

 

“Tonights topic is all about meeting emotional needs. Some of this might be elementary, but it’s good to review, because a healthy relationship with ourselves and our partners is the foundation for a solid dynamic!”

How do you fill your partner’s emotional tank?

-Knowing your partner’s love languages- Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch
Reference: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
-Paying attention to your partner’s body language and words
-Making yourself available forgiving physical affection
-Responding quickly to messages and calls
-Having uninterrupted time together, showering together, finding time to talk and laugh
-Using words of affirmation to feed your partner, knowing that being repetitive is not a bad thing
-Handwritten notes, surprises, gifts
-NO glitter bombs 🙁

What self care do you implement to meet your own emotional needs?

-Quiet time, vegging out
-Baths, personal care
-Reading, video games
-Journaling, blogging

What do you and your partner do to satisfy your emotional needs during times of crisis and instability?

-Leaning into leadership and protective nature of Dom/me
-Finding comfort in impact play, using Sadism and masochism to clear the mind
-Communicating and holding each other
-Just being there, sexual or non sexual
-Giving space
-Focusing on aftercare

Are you comfortable asking for or taking what you need?

Challenges in asking for what you need:
-It is hard due to fears of being too needy or getting rejected
-Don’t want to be a burden
-Asking is embarrassing
-Fear that needs of partners would be opposite
-Fear that needs are too extreme

Things to avoid:
-Relying on partner to just know- mind reading
-Being manipulative, selfish, or explosive
-Going without, sacrificing actual needs because you don’t want to put your partner out

Important takeaways:
-Knowing that your partner wants and needs you to express and explain your needs
-When your partner is not available to meet your needs, implementing self care is helpful
-Recognizing that both parties have emotions and needs
-It is the responsibility of both parties to see to the other partner’s needs inside and outside the dynamic

When your partner has upset you, how do you approach them to discuss it?

-Using I statements
-Knowing each other better than anyone, understanding your partner’s fears and strengths
-Conveying that your partner hasn’t failed, isn’t stupid, relaying confidence in your partner’s abilities to care for you, even when they missed the mark
-Being respectful
-Journaling about the small stuff, but also talking about it, not letting it build up
-Knowing your partner can’t read your mind, not playing games
-Being honest and open
-Setting aside times to meet and discuss issues, questions, concerns
-Avoiding being harsh, manipulative, disrespectful

How do you sustain a D/s dynamic during times of distress?

-Having times of low protocol, taking breaks from formal dynamics
-Keeping with routines, intense levels of discipline, lots of aftercare

 

Special thanks to Emma for the quote of the night:
“Don’t write checks your ass can’t cash.”

This post was originally shared on Married and Owned

Needing a reset

Resets are not just scheduled meetings, they are necessary moments when one or both of us feels out of control, stressed out, or distant.

When babygirl needs a reset

my need for a reset is often triggered when the noise in my head gets so loud that i lose my centered submissive mindset. i can’t focus on anything, including D/s, and most of the noise is about my life outside of D/s. i tend to feel cranky and dissatisfied, teary, emotional, less focused, unable to concentrate, and i don’t feel like myself. At times i even catch myself fighting my submissive side, entering into alpha mode.

When Daddy needs a reset

My need for a reset is usually a response to baby’s need for a reset. But sometimes I find that I feel stressed out or dissatisfied with my level of control in our relationship.

Some of the triggers that cause us to need a reset:

-Work
-Children
-Family
-Health
-Small things building up over time
-Stressful situations
-Unexpected complications

When life gets in the way, it just isn’t convenient. It sucks. And it can be crazy making, because that peaceful D/s balance gets thrown way off track, which in turn throws us both for a loop. And sometimes, when things get really crazy, we don’t always notice the other’s need for communication, or a reset. When that happens, we kind of have to force ourselves out there, and ask for what we need. Some phrases we have found to be effective when bringing the need for a re-connection up in conversation are listed below:

Making I statements can help prevent miscommunication and defensiveness

I feel:
-Tightly coiled
-Wound up
-So stressed out
-Blah
-Quiet
-Depressed
-Emotional
-Distant

From there, we talk about why we feel that way, and what we can do to fix it. Sometimes it doesn’t lead to a reset, but instead we stay up late just talking. Other times, Daddy decides that a reset is in order, and we go from there.

Communication is imperative in a reset

When Daddy decides that we need a reset, it usually involves the following:

-a good hard spanking, impact play
-orgasms, including forced orgasms
-intense pain and pleasure, to the point baby isn’t sure she can handle it
-Daddy pushing the boundaries of baby, getting out of comfort zone
-communication

Daddy and i have come up with some preventive measures, to try to reduce the frequency of need for resets. Those measures include:

-Maintenance spankings
-Weekly meetings
-Changing things up, modifying rules, limits and expectations
-Utilizing code words that express a need, without having to spell things out; ex: I’m dropping
-Being aware of each others body language and behaviors
-Sufficient Aftercare

In general these things really help. But i want to bring up two things that i have tried to unsuccessfully research-

What do i do when we have had a reset, but i continue fighting my submissive side? Why can’t i achieve the headspace i am looking for?

This is something, especially in the beginning, that i really struggled with. Being a little means that i’m not always a perfect, meek submissive. i have personality traits that make me more difficult than some subs might normally be. i love serving Daddy, caring for him, and i never want to displease him. The issue is internal, like i just won’t let go, and i fight with myself. When this happens i have taken to trying the following:

-Meditating
-Posing
-Sticking to rules and rituals
-Re-reading our rules
-Being grateful for Daddy’s leadership, and hard work in providing for our family
-Deliberately doing acts of kindness for Daddy
-Actively submitting- turning my willful thoughts around as i have them, ex: no becomes yes, even if i really don’t want to do it
-Creating a mantra to help me re-balance

 

Another issue that i don’t think gets talked about enough, is when Doms get in a funk, and need reset. It is super important to note that just like subs need aftercare, Doms do too. Doms are still people in need of love, reassurance, and nurturing. Yes they are strong, yes they are in control. But they have feelings too, you know! With that being said, what do subs do when their Doms need reset? Here is what i suggest! Remind Him of the power He has. Defer to Him to help you make decisions. Thank Him for everything He does for (and to) you. Try to boost His confidence. Make sure He knows exactly how you feel about Him. Crawl across His lap and lay over His knee- give Him something to release His frustrations on. Ask Him what is on His mind, and make sure He knows that you are there to support Him, just as much as He is there to support you.

Resets benefit both parties, and are a really necessary aspect of D/s. They bring us back to the balance we need, with the right levels of power exchange, reassurance, and love.

 

We hope you liked our post on resets! Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!

This post was originally posted on http://www.marriedandowned.com

 

Our first post! Eeeeeee!

So Daddy and i have had to get creative lately- i had a medical procedure done that prevents us from having sex right now. And we have soooo much sexual energy and tension going on, so we have channeled it into pervertables and the like- gives us something to look forward to. T minus 2 days until go time!

Anyway, we have a gazillion toys, lubes, impact toys, etc. and they started overtaking our bedside tables, dresser drawers, closet… you get the picture. It was driving me crazy! And i was beginning to worry that our children were going to accidentally get into things. So naturally i begged Daddy to help me find a creative way to store all of our naughty goods! At first i thought maybe we could use a tool chest, because they lock, and because they have all sorts of handy drawers and compartments to fit all sorts of fun things. But then i realized how expensive they are, and hey, i don’t know about you, but we are on a budget! So thennnnn i realized we had a basically unused dresser we could modify, and off we went to Ikea to get all the liners, bins, and organizers you could ever dream of, if you dream of those sorts of things. i do.

We used the Ikea Hemnes dresser, pictured below. It has a pretty hefty price tag considering how small it really is, at $199, so if we didn’t already have it, i’m not sure it would have been my first choice. Nonetheless, it works well for our needs.

Note: everything but the toys and gear is from Ikea. i adore Ikea, and you should too.

Hemnes Dresser from Ikea

We started by adding drawer liners. i botched the measuring and cutting, naturally, so Daddy stepped in and fixed what i did, and finished the rest.

Then, we started with the organizers and bins, deciding how we wanted to lay everything out.

This is the result:

i am really happy with how it turned out. Everything is so clean and tidy, and in it’s place.

Oh, and if you were wondering what we did to prevent our kids from getting in to the drawers, we used a handy dandy magnetic locking child proof system!

So there you have it! Our innocent, white little dresser, that contains all of our kinky tools! Let us know your thoughts in the comments below!

Price list-
Dresser- $199
Drawer liners- $3.99
White bins- $1.99 each (we got 4)
Gray cutlery trays- $2.99 each (we got 2
Clear organizer- $3.99