Going straight to the point, with no dilly-dally, the two things that I thought I knew better than anything was Me and Missy.  Now there are obviously millions of other things I thought I knew, however, they are trivial compared to us as a couple, and our ever developing lifestyle.

The headline thing I thought I knew (and didn’t) was the level kink we both shared when we first met.

For me, I have been drawn to all things sexually alternative for a long time albeit suppressed in my head.  The key to that locked door was missy without a shadow of doubt.  In terms of knowledge, I thought knew a lot about kink, and yet it was the tip of the iceberg.  I had heard of BDSM in my teenage years from an LP inner sleeve found in my  Adam and the Ants records.  It was all very, interesting and is documented in one of my older posts That’s When I Knew I Had A Kink.

It was only when we got together and accepted that we were kinky did the flood gates open. I thought I knew what women wanted in a man, I was wrong!  I thought I knew my own limits, wrong again. I thought I knew what I wanted from a relationship and how much I could love someone. Wrong, wrong and wrong again.

D/s has been a journey of discovery for me.  It has supported us when things have been difficult and has been known to make things difficult as well at times. I now understand that it is just a different form of relationship with benefits!  A bit like a game, it has it’s own rules, however, being a relationship between 2 or more people you can write your own rules to suit you.

So what about Missy and my misguided understanding of her I hear you cry?  Oh boy, that’s Pandorra’s box being opened.  She has initiated, embraced, grown, submitted, accepted and loved everything that we have experienced in D/s.  I thought I knew her limits and fell short in that area and continue to fall short. She surprises me regulary which can be exciting and a scary at times.  From someone who protected herself well against the thoughts in her head and managing body image issues, I knew so little.  For those who have read her posts and seen her pictures, this is a person who I thought I knew and yet knew so little of her potential.
“If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?” ― Thomas Henry Huxley

 

One of the most common themes discussed by subs regarding the challenges of a D/s relationship is consistency, or the lack of it in their Doms.  Now, from the point of having a balanced post, I should offer up the concept of a sub being inconsistent in their behaviour, and I am sure this is the case in some relationships. However, the direction of this post is from a Dom’s perspective and that is where we will stay, for consistency!

To have a consistent approach to any task, one would imagine that you firstly want to be engaged in that activity and that you really get something from it.  Now, like most things in life, the beginning is always the most exciting bit. It triggers chemicals in the brain that make it fire up, a honeymoon period of you like.  Of course that doesn’t mean you lose interest completely, you just look at it differently and then the world throws its problems at you and they try to stick and drag you down. 

The Japanese culture is a great example of maintaining consistency when managing a task.  If you are going to take on a task like basket weaving, martial arts, painting or even management, you do the very best you can when you are doing it. It’s a simple but consistent application to a task.  Now that is quite hard to maintain if you are not stacked that way, believe me, I know!  I have a short attention span and if I am engaged in something and get distracted, I can either lose interest in the task, or find the new thing more exciting.  My wife thinks there’s some ADD floating around in there somewhere.  

 Of course we are not all Japanese, and if we were, we may not be into weaving baskets or slapping the mat!  I would argue that consistency is precluded by motivation and on many levels that boils down to the age old question, ‘what’s in it for me?’  That is not being selfish or self-centred, this is about finding your motivation. Why do something that doesn’t make you happy?   If you are not happy being a Dom all the time, that does not mean you are not a Dom, or in fact a bad one.  Are you happy in every element of your day, every day?  I would argue that you are not, and outside of continual medication, nor are most people.  We continually make dynamic decisions at every turn of the clock to meet the needs of those around us and to keep us safe.  Life is challenging and to be man for all seasons 24/7 is not going to happen.  Have I said something wrong there?   Most Doms I have are ordinary people, living ordinary lives.  They put others first and themselves second, nearly always. And there’s rub. If you are second in your priorities, how can you stay self motivated, feel sexy and cast the day’s issues aside to manage your sub the way she needs it?

If you’re looking for an answer here in plain sight, look no further, because is ain’t here!  What you may find is the need to examine which part of your D/s relationship drives you.  A percentage of Doms really get off on non-sexual control, a much larger percentage get off on sexual control.  If sex was withdrawn from our D/s relationship would I be interested, probably not, and in all likelihood neither would missy. Now that is not to say it’s all about physical sex.  For missy, she needs to have her mind stimulated before her body will embrace the physical.  I’m confident that I could get an orgasm from her if I tried, however, this is more about her really buying into the event. 

I suppose having written this far down the page I have realised that motivation is a very personal, yet  a changeable concept.  Motivation and Consistency are good bed fellows when blended into the right mix for everyone in this type of dynamic, and yet sometimes that can be hard to find.  Having focus on opportunities can often be a good place to establish your Dominance. If you have rules set between you, then watching your sub to see if she needs support or on the flip side watching to see if she is not following the rules on purpose. Either way, you have a window of opportunity to engage.

Your sub is a complex person by default, all tied in a neat package that needs a lot care and attention to meet the demands of being submissive. The best thing is, unwrapping such a bundle of joy can be very motivating!

  

 

Missy and I first came across this great product (not literally, but later) when attending Eroticon in 2018. The guys had rigged up a fantastic scaffold framed bed for playing and on it was a range of waterproof sheets. However, as we soon learnt, not any old waterproof sheet! They came in different colours and patterns and the demonstration was very impressive.
Our first reaction was to touch the sheets due to the appearance of softness about them. We were not disappointed because they felt fantastic! These are about as removed from rubber sheets as you could get. The feel was smooth and we were told they were breathable also to avoid hot bodies sticking to them. They gave off a clean smell and not that chemical one you get from anything commercially waterproof. They would make a sexy rain mac though!

One issue we all know when playing with liquids be it lube, wax, food or good old bodily fluids is that your mattress will take the brunt of it if not protected. If like us you have invested in a good night’s sleep, the last thing you want is to destroy the memory foam with spilt silicone lube. Likewise, when your mattress has died from hundreds of hours activities you don’t want to have to wrap it in black bin liners to hide from the neighbours when taking to the dump! The SOSF eliminates all of this first world worry.

The sheets come in various sizes and colours and can either be a flat sheet or fitted. Their range is continually growing so it’s worth checking out their web site. I can say that there isn’t anything I don’t like about them. They do the job so well and when you are finished just throw them in the washing machine. We have done this a few times now and they look as good as new. The sheets are not cheap, but then again neither is your mattress! They are worth every penny, not just because they protect what’s below; they look sexy, feel sexy and allow you to play with complete disregard for mess. You can just get on with fun!

You don’t have to be a squirter or spolsher to get the benefit from the SOSF range. They are made with everyone in mind who wants to do away with an old souvenir beach towel from Malaga on the bed or rolling around in front of the fire on a carpet that burns your knees. They are light weight but VERY strong and can take a lot of punishment to which we can contest!

The flat throw sheet, which we didn’t buy, would be great for taking away for a weekend to your parents or a friend’s house where some respect is required for their linen!  For us we went for the Black, King Size fitted sheet because I wanted something that didn’t move during play. The great thing is that your own body weight creates a natural dip and pools the fluid to the centre of the bed and not the spilling on the floor. If too much is created you can use the Malaga towel to mop it up!
I have recommended this product to a lot of people who have gone on to make an investment. It would make a great gift to the right couple!
So The Sheet Of San Francisco can now be found at a number of larger adult toys stores on-line or from their website http://sheetsofsanfrancisco.co.uk/
If you want to add something sexy to your bedroom that is both practical and versatile, the guys at SOF have it sewn up. Purchasing something from their range is money well spent in our opinion and to date I have not heard one bad thing said about them.  So splash out some cash for some splashing of your own making!

I have to admit that I am partial to a bit of DIY. It all stems from my Dad, who in my younger days, would say,
“You need to watch me fixing this son, it will save you a fortune when you’re older.”
He was was right. I have engaged in many DIY activities at home and have even earned additional cash when times were hard. I’m not a skilled trade man, and have only cut the end off one finger so far, so I’m an amateur by comparison, and have learnt more through my mistakes than successes. I publicly offer my apologies to my work colleague of 30 years ago when I told him I could plaster his dining room, when in fact all I managed was to coat his house in pink dust and solidify his carpet. Lesson number one; Stop being a cocky 20 year old and don’t rely on your father to make a hoax call about a flood to get you out of the house to come up with a plan B!  I digress..

In much later life, being able to use tools and see the possibilities in every day items soon steered my thinking towards all things Kink. Now we all know that quality toys are expensive, and generally you get what you pay for in terms of safe materials and longevity. A quick visit to a kink fair or scanning Pinterest soon uncovers hidden possibility in my cache of ‘It will come in handy for something one day’ piles of wood, old chair legs, steel tubes, nut, bolts and all manner of things most would class as rubbish! I don’t need a garage, I need a barn.

My first experiment was fixing a children’s Bicycle handlebar grip to a dildo. I found the lube made the dildo unwieldy when looking for a good grip. The non slip handle worked well when getting up some speed!  I admit it did look it was missing a multi-coloured tassle hanging from it, and on occassion I had to resist the urge to twist it like a throtle and make motorbike noises.  I need to grow up.

Then I found the book Build Better Bondage. Real ideas, clear plans and simple instructions. That produced our first play bench, which having never followed construction plans beyond an Ikea Billy Bookcase, worked out really well. I made some modifications at the time, and after using it a few occasions, made some more. I even added an extension for a fucking matching mount! It could do with a complete design overhaul and a new build; Maybe one day I’ll scope that out.

I like using something that is handmade, it adds to the event. We have flogger made by Daisy and it’s lovely. It looks great and feels meaningful when using it. It gives it a third dimension in knowing someone worked hard to produce something so fine. The polished wood, dyed black hide and a few small artistic touches to finish it off. You don’t have to have a large disposable income to be creative. For example, my friend Mr.Ham (Dom to Blomst) gave me a 30cm x 10cm piece of reinforced rubber mat. It was a off-cut from one of his projects to make an impact toy. She called it the Howler, and boy is it well named!  Having looked at the innocent piece of rubber I decided to fix it to a handle for better use. I search for old handles in the garage and left empty handed. I had a Eureka moment and after an hour an old chair leg became a handle. I was rather proud of myself. 

  

So next time you are in your local DIY store, view it as an extention to your favourite sex shop and let your imagination run wild!

 

It wasn’t always fishnets; I have always loved underwear on a woman, even back as a kid when my Mum bought clothes in the 1970s from catalogues. There I would be, staring at Action Man or Tonka Toys until she left the room, and with an almost silent whump of bulk pages being transported from the back section (it’s where the toys always were) to the front second section (after ladies’ dresses it was sleepwear and then underwear).  There before me were ladies in Playtex girdles and Cross Your Heart bras, however, keep turning the pages and you found suspenders and stockings.  Even at the age of 10 this had appeal over Action Man, but only just.  It wasn’t what you could see, but what you couldn’t. To be honest, even if nipples and pubes were on show, I would have approached them with the same trepidation of attempting to understand religion; but when I became a man, I cast aside childish things.

 

Jump forward 40 years and my love of stockings remains. They are a mediator between my eye and soft skin.  The fishnet stocking effects a transition from the existing physical familiarity of Missy’s body that I usually see when she undresses after work or before bed, into the illusionistic realm of being somewhat unobtainable. Stockings, especially fishnets for me do not provide visual transportation graciously, they grab you by the balls and say, “Fuck me if you dare!”

 

The comedian Dara O’Brien’s sketch on the stocking is fantastic as it highlights his perceived ludicrousness from a stocking worn at thigh height as being in the ‘sexy zone’ to it dropping below the knee to a ‘passion killer’ pop-sock. He does recognise that in between you find the over knee Japanese school girl, however, he skirts around that at some speed.  He does not mention fishnets which is a real shame as I am sure there is some comedic value there if you trawl deep enough.

 

Fishnets for me take me back to the very early 1980s with MOD revival, Skinheads and Ska music all rolled into one fantastic hedonistic period of my life.  Female skinheads with cropped feather cuts, Fred Perry T-shirts, braces, miniskirts, fishnets and Dr. Martin Boots.  The fishnets just rocked my world, I mean I really had a thing about girls in them. Unfortunately, physically fulfilment was lost, for MODs and Skinheads never the twain shall meet.

 

In more recent times, a’ la last weekend at Eroticon, Missy tried on one of her two new body stockings in the confines of our hotel room.  Although not traditional diamond fishnets, I was met with many bubbles of beautiful circular white skin in this unusual design. It looked fantastic and warranted several angular poses to get the desired effect.  And so, we end back where I started, not with a Gratton’s catalogue underwear page, but more with the focus on framing a perfect image and allowing the eye to be confused by a fishnet pattern.  Diamonds or bubbles, Missy or Skinheads, they all scream, “Come and have go if you think your ‘ard enough!”

 

Inspiration for a posts come from many sources, however, it is always good to read another person’s experiences in which you find reflections of your own life.

WildWestAngel wrote that there are often times when her submission seems to be slipping away from her.  The skills required to excel in her day job embrace her personality and it makes it harder for her to be the sub she desires to be.  As a result, her Dom sees less of her outward submission and in turn, he too loses focus. Continue reading “She’s Smarter Than the Average Bear!”

Having experienced a few bumps, humps and black holes during our relationship, Missy and I have never lost sight of who we are. I admit that we worried quite a lot early on when things got in the way and we were not being the ‘perfect’ Dominant or submissive, or so we were led to believe.

We are not alone with regard to such dilemmas and I understand that, however, I do feel compassion for others who beat themselves up when they cannot behave as they would like to because of life’s obstacles.  This may go against the grain for some people, and your kink is your kink as it is said, however, your D/s dynamic is only a part of who you are. For some it is a strong foundation that without it their relationship would fall apart, some it is the glue that makes life much better and for others it is the icing on the cake that occasionally they stick their finger into!  If you took D/s away from your relationship would you no longer be together in that instant?  I would argue that the answer is no, as these things take time to work out; and things such as illness, bereavement, family issues and all manner of challenges should only be a small hump in the road and not a sink hole.

Before taking a person over an obstacle course, the safest way is to walk the entire length of the course and demonstrate the best and safest way to tackle each one. There should even an opportunity to try each one out before running at it full speed.  I see D/s a bit like that in terms of managing things that could get in way.  For us, a major hurdle was having my parents stay a few months into our D/s journey. My Dad wanted to be in charge of the family and to keep the peace I allowed that. Missy commented afterwards that she didn’t like having two Doms, particularly when the other one is her Father-in-Law!  We soon learnt that when new things faced us, we would discuss what negative issues could affect us. Regular things like illness we take in our stride; we have no high expectations of each other when ill. You feel like crap, want to get better and to be cared for.  There is no play involved, no damaged egos and certainly no self-flagellation because you feel like you are not being the perfect partner.

So for us it’s important to have expectations and yet we accept that life is not perfect and neither, are we!

The OPEN DOM AND SUB CHATS this week will take place on SUNDAY and THURSDAY from 7pm as usual. 

  

On TUESDAY the topic for our focused TOPIC CHAT will be IMPACT TOYS & TECHNIQUES Pt3.

Following on from our previous chat on impact play, we have made some additional swinging space to look at the toys themselves and the techniques you use. How do you make your toys come life as a Dom and what happens at the receiving end for the sub? This week we will focus Crop and Canes – from 8pm-9pm in THE DUNGEON. 

 

On WEDNESDAY we will also have a Dom & sub chat on Bondage & Restraint Pt2 which will take place in THE DUNGEON at 8pm-9pm EDT.  

The topics covered will be self bondage, metal bondage, cuffs and posture collars.  

 

The topic for the WEEKLY DISCUSSION THREAD will be:

Toys – Safe Storage and Hygiene  – Helpful Tips and Warnings!

Please join us in the forum and add your thoughts.

According to the internet, a community is a place where people come together to share a common interest.   That I suppose, could be the problem with D/s for new people; they search for some hidden meaning or secret handshake.  I too waited for some bolt of lightening that would make me understand what I was supposed to be doing.  In fact, it is actually far more simple, for being in a D/s relationship is about being more aware of others and how your actions effect them.  I appreciate each dynamic is very different, however, being part of a community does help. I was once accused by another Dom of looking for validation as if it was a dirty word.  I would say that a small part of being in a community is getting some form of validation. How many places can you go and ask about someone’s new job and in the next breath enquire if their new butt plug was a success? Continue reading “Community”

In a recent chat event on the SWC many subs were interested to hear about Dom Drop, what that felt like for a Dom and what caused it.  I was asked to write something on the subject, so here goes!

Before I touch on my own personal experience, I decided to do a little research on what the rest of the internet thought on the subject, and I was a little bit surprised.  I watched 5 videos giving a view and read 5 random articles, all of which were very different in their interpretation. It should be noted that 17 of the samples were written or presented by subs! Continue reading “Dom Drop”